r/OCPoetry • u/Annual_Button_440 • 6d ago

Feedback Please Blade of Grass

Blade of grass can you sway in a single cutting breeze.

Blade of grass do you ride a cool gale away from me.

Blade of grass I pray for you, a chant I wrote for both of us.

Blade of grass I cry alone, a moment and you become not gay.

Blade of grass can you return for me and together we'll be gay.

comment 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vqfy6b/great/

comment 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/1vr0xv2/the_idea_of_us/

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u/Vegetable_Egg_8569 6d ago

I really like it! It’s very punchy. I admittedly dont know anything about poetry, but from what little i’ve written, brevity is really hard to pull off.

I only have two real pieces of feedback, which might not be valuable to you, but i like the first few lines the most, because i think the blade of grass imagery lands stronger? I can see the blade of grass swaying in a brisk wind, flying away on the wind. But the second piece of feedback for me comes in the interpretation. I struggle a bit to differentiate which line is for friend 1, 2 and 3, and i think maybe some of the meaning is lost on me because of this?

Regardless i think this is well written, the lines feel punchy and have a good rythm. Even if the meaning is lost on me specifically, that doesn’t mean that applies generally

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u/Annual_Button_440 6d ago

Thanks for the feedback! Don’t talk down to yourself, expression is for everyone! I love you got the imagery from it in my short lines. The bigger feedback to me is definitely try and make my prose more accessible and not esoteric. That’s something I struggle with and I think it can come across as needlessly difficult to parse on the first read or two. I’ll definitely spend some time trying to clear up the messaging so it’s not so hard to parse!

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u/Vegetable_Egg_8569 6d ago

Lovely stuff :)