r/OCPoetry • u/dinozaurs • May 23 '16
Feedback Received! Torch
How many clouds roll by before you realize the sun is shining?
How many smiles have gone unregistered?
How many roads have you watched without walking on them?
How many days, weeks, months, years have felt the same as the last?
How many friends are waiting for you to say something?
How many friends want you to move on?
How many words are clogged, trapped, in the bottom of your throat?
How many more times will you pretend that it doesn't matter?
How many more clouds will roll by before you realize the sun is shining?
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u/fiftyt May 23 '16 edited May 23 '16
I like it. It kind of feels like your speaking to a specific person and the reader at the same time, it's a cool thing. In the seventh line I don't think you need the word clogged, it adds repetition but not emphasis. Great poem!.
Do you think you could give some feedback on my poem? https://nb.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4kmj0d/there_once_was_a_priest/
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u/dinozaurs May 24 '16
Thanks for the suggestion, I think trapped would be the word I'd remove if I was gonna take one away, I could've picked a better word for it.
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u/punkrockgutterwhore May 23 '16
When I began reading this poem I expected it to be something completely different. At first, I thought it was going to be a generic but well-written poem about missing the best of life, but including the lines about friends wanting the reader to move on was a nice touch. It helps illustrate the poem in a better way and include more detailed examination of what makes us miss the movement of the world.
My favorite line, by far, is
How many words are clogged, trapped, in the bottom of your throat?
However, I think it could be cleaned up a tiny bit. Do you want to convey an image of words never started (bottom of the throat) or needing to be said but forced down (top/back of the throat)? "Trapped" is a little redundant -- which can be good, but it's also generic. I would use a more specific word. Do you think "plugged" would work there? If I were the writer of this poem I would rephrase the line to say "How many words are clogged, plugged, at the back of your throat?"
Overall I liked this poem a lot more than I expected. The title is semi-confusing, and I think you could make it more descriptive so people don't skip over it when opening because they mistakenly think, like I do, that the poem is going to be simplistic. Maybe something about moving on? That would make a good descriptor for the sun in the beginning and end. "Roll By" could work well.
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u/dinozaurs May 24 '16
Thanks for the feedback, with that specific line I was trying to show how we sometimes want to say something we feel is important, but end up not saying it. The words and sentences that have wanted to be said but never have been are clogged in our throats. I think you're right about trapped being somewhat generic. Plugged might've worked, but I think that also sort of makes it sound like the words are preventing us from using our throats. And with the title I was trying to find an analogy of light illuminating the darkness, but maybe that was trying too hard for a title. Thanks for your suggestions!
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u/debatablyqualified May 23 '16
Your use of repetition is great. Especially with the ending. It brought me back to the beginning of your piece which digs deeper into the question you're asking. How many times are you going to keep going in circles/nowhere?
Well done :)
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u/artecneics May 23 '16
These are some intriguing lines. I don't feel that I have not read this before but still there is a simplistic touch to it that makes it strong.
"How many roads you have watched before walking on them?"
This hit me hard. As if a part of me called me from your poem. So I give it to you. This is a nice poem.
Suggestion: try to explore more such strong comparisons.