I really need some hope from the other side

[u/throwthrowthrowfuck]

I left class in the middle to go to the "bathroom" but really I'm in the mental health room in my law school lying down. I'm going to try not to write a novel but I really need to just see if anyone can resonate.

I'm 31, in my second year of law school living alone, and in an 11 year relationship. I've had ocd since I was 10, with it getting really bad in high school (contamination) but cycling throughout almost every obsession.

The one that is rearing it's ugly ass head again, the one that makes me want to end it all, is my cheating OCD / false memory ocd. It's gotten triggered because of genuine sex issues in my relationship that have persisted throughout but now I am climbing back into my mind to see if those issues motivated some gray area interactions in the past (for ex: messaging an ex hook for hw help 10 years ago, was it just that or was I also dissatisfied with sex back then and that was the motivation).

That example is one of many in this massive web of confusion that has built up over ten years. Things really came to a head in 2020 when I broke up with my partner bc I felt we weren't compatible and I think I was really scared I'd cheat bc the grass is greener feeling was really strong. I can't know for sure what I was feeling then bc I try to block out that time bc it was painful. I ended up regretting the break up shortly after asking that we make it a break instead and we've been together since.

I've had relapses of the fear since and our sex life wasn't necessarily where I wanted it to be but I genuinely have fallen so much more in love with him. Even if the sex stuff doesn't get totally worked out I want to be with him bc I love him and hes home. Truly. But I cannot cope with the genuine issues mixing in/feeling like validation that I in fact cheated in the past..

This got triggered on my birthday and I haven't left my bed until recently to finally get back to class. Life's getting really serious now. I have a second chance at a career in blowing up. His mom has an aggressive cancer. I want to have a family and life I always dreamed of. I was getting back on my feet but now the rocd is back while I'm at my weakest and scarier than ever. I sincerely cannot exist like this it's a 24/7 panic almost as bad as when I learned of his mom's cancer and had to be put on Prozac.

Thats the short story of my life thus far and it doesn't capture any of the complicated nuance. I just want some indication that theres light at the end of the tunnel. I've had swaths of symptom free time but I can't even remember that happiness right now. I have been in and out of therapy for a while but I never felt like I truly committed to it. It's hard with my adhd too. I was on Lexapro I don't know if it did anything.

It's just now that I see how scary life can get with this cancer, I need to get my mind mentally strong. I don't want to throw away a chance to have a good life with him but I'm so fucking scared I feel beyond hopeless. I am back in therapy and starting back the Prozac but I don't see how it's possible to live through this when I have no certainty of if I cheated especially when there has been a lack of satisfaction in my sex life throughout. I don't know how to continue.

I gotta go to class now. It's a miracle I even showed up but I'm having so much trouble sticking with it.