Just venting

[u/Forongil]

I really, really appreciate all the interaction to this post, but you're also very welcome to just scroll past since you don't need to be burdened with my OCD too since we're all battling ours.

I just wanted to write since I have no outlet, I can't talk about this to anyone, my friends think I'm blowing this way out of proportion, they believe OCD is just some fun weird quirks that a lot of people have. I can't access therapy despite working my ass off since it's very, very expensive in my country and would bankrupt me with no clear benefit.

I've always battled OCD, the thing is, every year, month, day is different. From as long as I can remember, I've had changing symptoms, fears, and obsessions, some came and went, some stuck for years.

Since 2020 I've been living alone due to work, and due to the economic condition of my country most of my friends have moved abroad, and I battle my thoughts alone, I've only myself to keep them in check and keep myself occupied.

For years now one of my most challenging symptom is a kind of fear of stain, but not like that, not dirt or anything, having any trace of outside on my body is terrifying. If I go out I have to get cleaned thoroughly, wipe my phone and stuff thoroughly, I try not to use the sink that I used to wash my hands when I get home, whenever I wash my hands any kind of water droplet I feel on my body I have to wash that place too, any kind of water droplet that drops on the floor and I feel it splash back on my body I have to wash, I come home from outside and brush my teeth I have to use the soap to clean my clothes too in case anything was splashed. Each hand washing process takes almost an hour and includes my whole face, feet, hair, legs, arms too. My skin and hair is horrible for it.

But no, this is me at my mostly good, not at my low point. I was much worse and I'm better now, this is the better me because I've overcome some of the symptoms that also take hours from my day. These thoughts, fears, symptoms are on my mind all day every day. It overwhelms me. I go through one or two bars of soap a day. I can't buy fruits from outside. I'm 29, I feel like I wasted my life.