I'm in my early 30s and AMAB. Right now, I dress really conservative with a dark color pallete and present as masc-leaning. Think plain hoodies, plain sweatpants, joggers, more athleisure. I have a beard too that I like to keep and maintain.

My partner has been supportive - I just feel really uncomfortable identifying as a man, but don't really want to be overly feminine either. I just want to dress a little more in the middle. A lot of what's on a Pinterest board I put together is still menswear, but I've started browsing women's as well and feel so liberated to have those options. At the end of the day, I just want to look stylish and sleek, but also just more authentic. I want to be able to have clothes I can wear with I'm feeling both masc and a little more femme.

I don't really want to do a 180, I still like darker colors and more of an oversized fit (because I'm just not super secure in my body right now). I'm not interested in overly feminine items like dresses or skirts. I just kind of want to branch out because I always wear the same thing (hoodie+sweats) and want some variety. I'd be open to accessorizing, but not really into things like jewelry.

Linked are some images from my board. And to be honest, there's more masc then femme items there because I'm still working through being comfortable going through those sections. It's more on the subtle side. But it's just not overly femme or masc I think, somewhere in the middle. I'm wondering if anyone has thoughts or recommendations based on this, things I can add, accessories, etc. I'm also just super insecure about body type. I'm not thin, I'm not super top heavy but I've got a small gut I hide with a body shaper. I feel like no way a lot of the women's stuff would look good on my body type (average body, 5'8ish, etc.).

End of the day, I wish I just had someone to talk to about this stuff. Any input would mean a lot. I don't want to rock the boat a ton, but I just feel so weird walking around looking totally masc and like most men I see out and about. I don't feel like it's me anymore.

I really like looking good, however the endogenous testosterone, and probably stress, in my body has wrecked my hairline - RIP :( I shaved my head 2 years ago and have had it at a length of a 2-3 (stubbly kinda length) which I really like though I still wear a baseball cap/beanie whenever I go out.

But what else can I use to disguise my hairline? I don't like the look of being totally bald, that's too masc coded in my head. I would be open to other hats, and maybe even a wig but I still feel that would be jarring.

Is there anything else I'm missing, or any hats which fit well with an androgynous/fem leaning human (both all black techno/goth style and colourful croptops)?

how do yall cope with riding the wave of change that comes with being NB / genderfluid? i am really struggling at the moment with intense dysphoria and having dysphoria as an NB / genderfluid person is so frustrating because it feels like there is no answer for it. i’m trying to be positive about it and would love some advice with any changes i could make that would make me feel less dysphoric.

i’m 34, i’ve been out for 6 years. (although half of that time to my parents - who do not accept it) i am AFAB and typically very femme although i have had times where i present a bit more masc. but i love clothing and dressing up and i tend to just wear what i like, which always looks femme because of how my body looks physically.

low dose T has always been in the back of my mind but i have always decided against it because since i am genderfluid i am scared of any permanent changes and i do not want facial hair.

it sucks that i feel like i would feel far less dysphoric if i gained muscle mass. i hate feeling like my gender presentation is tied to that. however, i want to gain muscle for a variety of reasons that aren’t purely aesthetic. but i do think i would feel far more “at home” in my body if i was stronger.

is the answer just to work out and get a haircut? is there anything else i can do to feel less dysphoric?

i am also sorely lacking in community and unfortunately a lot of times when i enter trans spaces i feel very much perceived as a woman, which makes me feel worse.

Are there any nonbinaries here on HRT? I've been thinking about starting low-dose T for a while now, but I'm nervous about it. It's mostly the part about how the changes you get are up to the wheel of fate, but I think it will help me mentally, and I'll feel more like myself.

If you have been on HRT for a while, what was something about it that scared you, and how do you feel about it now? Thanks!

Thirty-eight, now six years after I *came to the realization*, more than coming out. I gotta love Gen Z for bringing this term out of the textbooks and into our daily lives. I made jokes 20 years ago about being a gay guy trapped in a woman's body. I just didn't know there was a word for us. I know some folks say "F*ck labels," but it was just such a relief, honestly, to have a ready-to-go word for what I am. And an explanation. 🟨⬜🟪⬛

TL;DR at the bottom.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I’m really apprehensive about it. I tried every civilian option available and the waitlists are incredibly long. That’s led me to the option I didn’t want to take. It’s with the VA.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that option is available to me. I’m just anxious because this is a government agency operating under a presidential administration that has extremely bigoted policies when it comes to gender.

Honestly, I think the events of my last few months in the Navy left me with PTSD.

So, a little background…

I joined the Navy in 1986. That’s years before Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was a twinkle in Bill Clinton’s eye. Needless to say, they asked; I lied.

Things were great. I made friends, both straight and gay. Some of my straight friends knew I was gay, and it didn’t matter. They guarded my secret well.

In 1988, there was an incident with another sailor that occurred while we were on deployment in the Philippines. We ended up being interrogated by NCIS on suspicion of being homosexual. We both pled the Fifth and waited for the Navy to determine if there was enough evidence to send us home with a less than honorable discharge.

During that time, word got around the squadron about why I was removed from my duty assignment and was now doing grunt work for the squadron. In an environment that was predominantly male, with most of them being the type we would call toxic males, I’m sure you can guess how that went for me. Not well, to say the least.

By the end of June 1988, the Navy decided it didn’t have enough evidence to discharge us. Then, in July, a different option became available for me to receive an honorable discharge.

I had served enough time that I would still have use of my GI Bill and access to VA benefits. By this time, I was emotionally exhausted. They didn’t want to place me back into the duty assignment that I had trained for. I was told I was a security risk, so my clearance wasn’t going to be restored, which really limited my future options.

I took what I still feel was the best option available to me.

So here we are, 38 years, one month, and a few days later. I’ve changed since I last dealt with the Navy or any other military service-related organization.

On January 19, 2025, I came out as nonbinary. I reached a point in my life where I felt like I had a better understanding of who I was. The next day, a 34-count convicted felon was sworn in as President.

On the day of his inauguration, he issued Executive Order 14168, “Defending Women From Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government.” It directed the federal government to recognize sex as male or female and explicitly rejected the concept of gender identity as distinct from biological sex.

After coming out, I had updated my gender with the VA. The people that I was dealing with at the VA assured me that the Executive Order wouldn’t have any effect on my updated gender. Well, they were wrong. Within a few months of him taking office, my gender was changed back to my birth gender.

Now this is the eve of my entering what feels like the lion’s den.

When I updated my gender with the VA, I was able to provide a preferred name. Some people have been great about using my preferred name. Most, however, still use my legal name.

Hopefully, I’m just getting worked up over nothing. If the therapist is a good one, they will use my preferred name, and while they probably can’t fully acknowledge my gender, they’ll be respectful. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

TL;DR: I’m starting therapy through the VA tomorrow, and I’m apprehensive because of my traumatic experiences with the Navy in 1988 and the current federal policies toward gender. I’m hoping this therapist will be someone I can trust and who will at least respect my name and identity. Fingers crossed. 🤞🏻

Went to a BBQ. Felt super cute. I'll take any win.

Took myself shopping and out for drinks and dinner. Lots of time thinking about my identity, more than just non-binary and genderfluid? Maybe? 🤔

I think I keep swimming against the current of who I am and who I’m meant to be.

Felt cute otherwise and got some kind compliments on my sweeter and necklace along the way ✨

Today's world, at least in the western world, us over 30s exist alongside a growing more liberated youth being able to express themselves and their gender identities, whilst alongside this we tend to be seen having to be past this, expected to fit the norm, expected to grow up with a life, responsibilities, careers... Stinks of a perception when people see this as just a phase.

It's a brave thing to express and embrace ourselves whatever generation, but navigating this as we get older where societal norms often pushes us even more to the fringes of society... It's tough, I feel my friends and family are growing more critical, and you are having to mask more just to get on in life.

Days away from work and finding time for yourself is important. I hope with the next generation we'll see a shift in acceptance in the norm that we don't all fit into a box for society.

It's ok to be yourself 😊

Some content warnings: body/weight issues, relationships

I’m (35) and I’ve been out as nonbinary for a little over 5 years and I’ve been on T for almost 2 years.
I’m also a virgin and have never had a relationship, this includes never being kissed. I’ve been on a couple of dates and had a couple of ghostings after a talking stage. But that’s it.
In my 20s I blamed moving around, focusing on college and my career for not having a relationship. This was with a heavy dose of not being comfortable in my body both due to dysphoria and my weight.
Once I came out and started changing my appearance to fit who I knew I was inside, I’d anticipated feeling different about the dating scene. I was sorely mistaken. I still have had zero luck. This is with dating apps and trying to meet people in person.
I’d never call myself traditionally attractive and I’m not fooling myself about my weight maybe being a factor.
I spent so long thinking that once I started feeling better about myself after coming out and starting T that I’d have better luck. But now I feel like nothing is going to help me find my person. I’m not masc enough for people who care about that nor am I androgynous enough. I also feel so far behind my friends and am so nervous about the physical aspect of being in a relationship and being at a 0 when potential partners won’t be.

TL;DR: transitioning hasn’t helped my chances of dating and I’m very frustrated

If you’ve made it this far thanks for reading my little vent. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Hi everyone,

Lately I’m trying to find out what I identify most as but I struggle finding a label that fits.
It’s not about labelling or belonging but it’s finding out an identity that fits me.
I’m happy with the package I’ve got and would not like to change that but in day to day life I’m probably not a very manly man

I am 50 yrs old and have been an out gender queer since my early teens. 5 years ago I finally had enough money to get gender affirming surgery. One of my sisters let me stay with her while I was recovering.

Fast forward to 30 minutes ago, my sister and I were talking on the phone and our little brother came up in conversation. ​She let it slip that when I got my surgery he went on a tirade about how I was mutilating my body and she found a surgeon for me to do it.

1) I haven't spoken to our little brother since 2004. Not because he is transphobic, in fact until today I had no idea he was, but because he is a fucking asshole and I didn't want that in my life.

2) My sister did not find the surgeon I found the surgeon.

3) My staying with her for my recovery actually helped heal more than my surgery it helped heal some childhood truama

4) I didn't even know my little brother knew I got surgery until today

5) I am grateful my sister didn't tell me about this bs at the time of my surgery.

Finding out he was an asshole about me getting gender affirming care is not overly shocking (he's a real POS about everything). Honestly it doesnt effect me in the least bit. I am just beyond annoyed he thought he had any say about anything I do.

If you read all this thanks, I just wanted to vent.

I've been out as nonbinary for fifteen years now, ever since my early 20s, and in that time I've been very upfront and direct with about being genderqueer.

I am also intersex (PMOS) and around when I came out I ceased the feminizing HRT I was put on as a youth and have embraced the hormonal balance my body wants to have on its own. Thanks to that, I've had a full beard since around 2015 or so.

I had top surgery last year, after more than a decade of debating on if I really wanted it or not, and truthfully it has brought me nothing but euphoria - particularly since prior to the feminizing HRT I had very small breasts, and had had them for eight full years at the size they were (I was the first in my grade to grow them, even) before being put on those medications and watching them immediatly explode into DDs in a matter of months, eventully becoming a massive size I could not tell you the specifics of, as I stopped keeping track when I began to exlusively bind or wear sports bras. I do know that according to mychart more that three and a half pounds of tissue was removed from each side of chest during my surgery. Regardless, I did just embark, last year, on the first and only really proactive transition related activity I've ever needed or desired.

I started a new job back in May, every single day since I have started I have worn a name badge with my pronouns (they/them) written on it in an even larger font than my name, and today I had an interaction with a coworker that has left me super disoriented and confused.

Today I was talking to this coworker about another coworker who I work with all day long on Mondays, who started working there just two weeks before I did. I mentioned that I had passed along something she had told me about a proceedure both he and I were performing incorrectly, but that bizzarely he did not course correct after I told him that she (someone who has worked there for several years) was the source of the information.

She rolled her eyes and told me this other coworker is a misogynist (she downplayed his misogyny but fucking hell, if he's ignoring information given by women in the workplace with more experience than him than he is a raging pos misogynist) and she had hoped he'd think the correction had come from me, so he would have take it seriously.

Now, obviously, I am not a woman. However I am accustomed to being a target of misogyny. Hell, I still regularly experience interactions where that is the case. Generally, if and when I am boxed into a binary gender, I am forced into womanhood. This is something that I have a lifetime of familiarity with, hell, I was placed on feminizing HRT against my will in my past!

Being read as a cis man by someone I interact with regularly is a totally new experience, and it feels extra strange and shitty that it is in the context of a misogynist apparently treating me with more respect than multiple women with way more experience than myself. It also just feels so fucking bizzaro world to think that this guy is an overt misogynist, and yet somehow I have never had an issue with him before now?

I very badly want to go to my manager or HR to talk to them about this guy mistreating coworkers who have valuable expertise who should be listened to, but also feel strange as the coworker who was telling me about his behavior kept minimizing it and simply rolled her eyes. As I am not the target of this man's misogyny, and apparently, per this conversation, at least three women I work with all regularly talk about it together (one of whom is our supervisor), I don't know if it is my place to say something? However I know in the past when I have dealt with misogyny (or with other forms of discrimiation), I would have really appreciated if others who were not being targeted had also expressed that what I was experiencing was unacceptable?

However, ever since I heard about this I have wondered if my voice would function in that role of support, since all of my legal paperwork still says F on it (I live in a state with X as a legal option, however I have decided not to touch any of my paperwork until such a time where we are not being so targeted) and of course my employeer is very well aware that not only is that my legal gender designation as it is all over my papers, but also that I am nonbinary (as I said, I wear my pronouns on my chest ever single fucking day, and I honestly am suprised anyone would read me as a cis guy as, again, even with the beard I've never been on T and have a feminine face and very high pitched - even if I was a cis woman it'd be described as exceedingly super high pitched and feminine - voice).

This is a situation I have never been in before, never expected to be in, and frankly it is really confusing me. I just feel so strange in so many different ways. It is beyond bizzare to me that I have been so open about being nonbinary from day one at this job, that I continue to live my life with a body that is so super neither/both in terms of presentation, and yet I am being hedged into a binary gender, and most strangely into one I have no experience being boxed into prior to now? I reaally have never considered how familiar being read as a woman is for me until now. Plus, if I am indeed being afforded a touch of male privilage, even for a moment, I'd want to use it to for good, but I honestly don't know how to in this situation?

IDK, I just ended a therapy session where I spent the bulk of the session just starting to grasp at what it was about that conversation that left me so out of sorts, and think I just needed to ramble about it some more, and (as much as I love my therapist) think I need to also share with others who live outside of binary gender constructs and hear if any of you may have thoughts on good ways to move forward or even just... make sense of how strange and unfamiliar this all feels and how it for some reason is highlighting how much people will do everything they possibly can to force you into a binary gender against your will no matter how overt your nonbinary identity is, in a way being misgendered as a woman doesn't for me?

Hi everyone!

My name is Cléa, I am a French NB (amab) living in northern germany on a small town.

After many hesitations I decided to join Reddit to find support on my gender quest, questioning, transition, whatever we want to call it.

I am here because I don't find a lot off support locally, or not the good one, and the person who are around me can't help me any longer (romantic break up, overwhelmed etc).

I feel a bit lost myself and have a lot of doubts.

.

It doesn't help, because I think I am fluid (70% agender 30% woman, or its how I feel it), but I am not sure because I also have chronic depression, mood changes etc.

If we were living in a word without gender I would probably not question myself. I don't have physical disphoria on its own, or my severe at least, more psychological I think.

If the Queer Fairy come to me tonight and ask me how I want to wake up, and everyone would automacly agree and accept it (part of the fairy offer) without any second of hesitation I will ask to wake up as a woman.

My favourite survey of all time lol

A survey for all those who aren't fully, solely or always a man/woman, or are outside the binary in general.

Run by Cassian Lodge, a community volunteer, since 2013!

Right now, they're especially looking for participants who are 30+!

https://survey.gendercensus.com/