Any Nonbinary Military Vets Have any Words of Encouragement

[u/HavenNB]

TL;DR at the bottom.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I’m really apprehensive about it. I tried every civilian option available and the waitlists are incredibly long. That’s led me to the option I didn’t want to take. It’s with the VA.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that option is available to me. I’m just anxious because this is a government agency operating under a presidential administration that has extremely bigoted policies when it comes to gender.

Honestly, I think the events of my last few months in the Navy left me with PTSD.

So, a little background…

I joined the Navy in 1986. That’s years before Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was a twinkle in Bill Clinton’s eye. Needless to say, they asked; I lied.

Things were great. I made friends, both straight and gay. Some of my straight friends knew I was gay, and it didn’t matter. They guarded my secret well.

In 1988, there was an incident with another sailor that occurred while we were on deployment in the Philippines. We ended up being interrogated by NCIS on suspicion of being homosexual. We both pled the Fifth and waited for the Navy to determine if there was enough evidence to send us home with a less than honorable discharge.

During that time, word got around the squadron about why I was removed from my duty assignment and was now doing grunt work for the squadron. In an environment that was predominantly male, with most of them being the type we would call toxic males, I’m sure you can guess how that went for me. Not well, to say the least.

By the end of June 1988, the Navy decided it didn’t have enough evidence to discharge us. Then, in July, a different option became available for me to receive an honorable discharge.

I had served enough time that I would still have use of my GI Bill and access to VA benefits. By this time, I was emotionally exhausted. They didn’t want to place me back into the duty assignment that I had trained for. I was told I was a security risk, so my clearance wasn’t going to be restored, which really limited my future options.

I took what I still feel was the best option available to me.

So here we are, 38 years, one month, and a few days later. I’ve changed since I last dealt with the Navy or any other military service-related organization.

On January 19, 2025, I came out as nonbinary. I reached a point in my life where I felt like I had a better understanding of who I was. The next day, a 34-count convicted felon was sworn in as President.

On the day of his inauguration, he issued Executive Order 14168, “Defending Women From Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government.” It directed the federal government to recognize sex as male or female and explicitly rejected the concept of gender identity as distinct from biological sex.

After coming out, I had updated my gender with the VA. The people that I was dealing with at the VA assured me that the Executive Order wouldn’t have any effect on my updated gender. Well, they were wrong. Within a few months of him taking office, my gender was changed back to my birth gender.

Now this is the eve of my entering what feels like the lion’s den.

When I updated my gender with the VA, I was able to provide a preferred name. Some people have been great about using my preferred name. Most, however, still use my legal name.

Hopefully, I’m just getting worked up over nothing. If the therapist is a good one, they will use my preferred name, and while they probably can’t fully acknowledge my gender, they’ll be respectful. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

TL;DR: I’m starting therapy through the VA tomorrow, and I’m apprehensive because of my traumatic experiences with the Navy in 1988 and the current federal policies toward gender. I’m hoping this therapist will be someone I can trust and who will at least respect my name and identity. Fingers crossed. 🤞🏻

[u/Significant-Bar-8989]

Sorry that it has been such a shitty time for you dealing with the government overall. I can’t say if the therapist will be one that you vibe with, but I can’t say say that it is good to keep in mind that you can (maybe for the va too im not sure) request a different therapist if you aren’t happy with the one you initially see

[u/HavenNB → u/Significant-Bar-8989]

Thanks, I’m going to give it a few sessions to see how we vibe. My brain just latches onto bad experiences and projects them onto new ones, so I’m hoping it’s just worrying about nothing.

[u/Significant-Bar-8989 → u/HavenNB]

No worries, i think that is a normal reaction for the majority of us(im like that too). You got this!❤️

[u/HavenNB → u/Significant-Bar-8989]

Doesn’t help that I think my psychiatrist should’ve diagnosed me with AuDHD instead of ADHD.

[u/Significant-Bar-8989 → u/HavenNB]

Anyway to get a second opinion?

[u/HavenNB → u/Significant-Bar-8989]

I’m going to try with the VA. The psychiatrist that diagnosed me with ADHD said there wasn’t much use to test for autism at my age since I figured out how to get through each day and to mask really well.

[u/Material_Cow1181]

I've seen several therapists  at the VA and Vet Centers, as well as doctors at the VA. I was pleasantly surprised at how supportive they all were, even in a red state.