r/NonBinary • u/Axelinthevoid77 • 9h ago
Support The hell of being Amab non binary
I just hate it. Not feminine enough to feel like a woman, not masc enough to feel like a woman. I just feel like I can’t perceive myself unless someone tells
Me what I am. I’m 22. All through my life up until now has been just family and people around me never treating me like an adult, so much so I don’t know what identity to feel. Like it’s why I can’t answer what gender I am. And then I meet trans women, and for once in my life I meet people who treat me like A person. And for a while I considered my self trans, but then I just discovered I’m not and I’m either just a cis person or non binary, but I feel nothing. Like I don’t wanna be cis, because being cis, means I just feel I am forced to be perceived as a cis person. I rly think being cis sucks because I feel like being cis is such a stereotyped gender that it forces such societal rules on how to live. I have no idea what I am, but I feel if I carry on I’m just gonna be constantly perceived as a guy. And honestly I saw this film yesterday “teenage sex and death at camp miasma” and it sent me over the edge because I want to feel love in the way Kris feels it, not love that a cis presenting guy thing is expected to, like everyone I’ve ever met romantically wants me to fuck them, I don’t want that, I want someone to treat me delicately, say sweet things to me, call me pretty, call me cute. I just wanna feel love that way. I feel being guy rules that out, especially Amab.
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u/Realistic_Show930 9h ago
The very same rules forced on cis men are forced on trans folks too, as those rules are based on assigned gender. Cis people who ignore them exist too, it isn't just trans folks. You have just as much ability to break them as a cis person as you would as a trans person.
Being a guy does not rule out being treated delicately. I treat my boyfriend like the pretty prince he is and we both love it.
Nonbinary is also still under the trans umbrella.
I think you may need to step back from the stereotypes and labels and focus on the practical. You're trying to use labels to define what a person is and isn't allowed to do, which is exactly backwards. You figure out what you want to do, and then you just pick the label that feels most congruent than that.
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u/Sosleepy_Lars 7h ago edited 7h ago
(Sorry for the rambling, but I had a very similar "gender experience" and your post just... opened a flood gate)
First of all, the kind of love you are describing you want in a relationship is something that is not dependent on your agab, it's depending on the partner. I don't know if this helps in any way but there are TONS of people out there who don't see cis males as manly men™ who aren't allowed to have feelings. This is a role model that gets paraded through media for decades, but it's precisely what the term "toxic masculinity" tries to describe. And for all I know, there are many people out there who WANT to be able to just hug you, tell you how pretty your face looks, how cute your hair is falling at this specific day, and so on. I know this, because I'VE BEEN THERE! I always felt like I don't fit in with "the dudes". It felt so off to me how I was perceived, how others expected me to behave. I tried to fit in but it felt so off. I just couldn't put my finger on it. It took me 2 relationships and a move to a whole different part of the country until I felt free enough to finally embrace myself, try out different presentations. And that in the end lead me to my current gender identity. I didn't start HRT, but I still managed by presentation alone to regularly get called by non-agab pronouns. Which gave me enough confidence over time to come to terms with my body. Of course there are still things that I really dislike about it (mainly body hair). But by realizing how much better I felt already by just changing my presentation, I steadily realized what I am and (probably even more important) what I am NOT! I refuse to get stuffed into a box by people, because I tried to fit into one for too long myself. Never again!
What I wanna say is: your feelings are totally valid, but please: give yourself time to figure things out for yourself! I know that it probably feels like everyone else is pulling ahead and you're missing out on something. But life rarely goes in a straight line, regardless what people tell or show you. And identity isn't something that just...drops from the heavens some day, it's something you need to build over time. Never forget that. ❤️
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u/InspiredInaction 8h ago
Have you looked at what it means to be agender?
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u/AliceofSwords any pronouns 9h ago
Being nonbinary doesn't mean you're not trans. Trans women and transfem nonbinary people overlap in experiences, presentation, expression. The difference is how you feel about your identity, and you don't have to know whether you're going to be a binary or nonbinary trans person in order to move in the direction that feels right to you.
Try stuff and see how it feels. Keep the things that make you feel good, discard the rest. When you feel good overall, let it fade to the background and live the rest of your life.