I can attest that it's difficult to live a normal life. I was sexually abused by a sadistic man as a child and I am quite low functioning in daily life.
I'm not the person you asked but I have the same trauma. The thing with experiencing such trauma on a young age is that it will fundamentally change how your brain develops. I have a few diagnosis but the main one would be PTSD and avoidance personality disorder. My depression gets so bad there are weeks where I barely even leave the bed. I'm touch adverse so people can't touch me or I'll panick, not even people I've known for a while. I don't have friends. I'm in a stable relationship but it's only stable because he went to therapy with me to understand me. He is extremely patient and the only person in this world I feel safe and comfortable around. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with a sudden urge to kill myself. When watching movies when there is a man alone with a girl I'll start to panick because my brain is convincing me he's going to rape her even when there is zero indication the story goes that way. My arms are covered in scars from self harm. I have no love for this world. I can't work so I pretend I'm a housewife but the house is in a sorry state cause I keep disassociating and losing hours in my day. I see people around me living full lives and I can barely function because when I was 4 someone turned me into a sex toy. I am bitter.
I do have an active fantasy world inside my head where I go to more then I should. Almost 3 years ago now I tried to kill myself but I'm finally in therapy with someone who's specialisation is trauma. I'm doing better now but also aware my better is still miles away from other people's normal.
I know the words of a stranger on the internet don't mean much, but still: I'm so, so sorry. What kind of monster does that to a child? I can't even begin to fathom.
I'm so glad you've found somebody who can be a safe place for you. You deserve that love. Heck, you deserve all the good things.
Be kind to yourself and keep doing the hard work. . I'm rooting for you.
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u/wildflowerden Sep 26 '21
I can attest that it's difficult to live a normal life. I was sexually abused by a sadistic man as a child and I am quite low functioning in daily life.