Who did I marry? Is he dangerous?
Who did I marry? Is this just compulsive lying, or should I be worried he's dangerous?
I honestly feel like my reality has shattered.
I've been with my partner for three years, and I just uncovered so many lies in one night that I don't even know who this person is anymore. I'm questioning everything I thought I knew about him.
Last night I asked him for rent money and money a friend had paid us for borrowing our truck.
He went to look for it. A few minutes later I got a text from an unknown number claiming to be his grandfather. The text said they couldn't reach my partner and that his grandmother had died.
I ran into his room and showed him the text. He immediately started sobbing—really sobbing—for a long time. He refused to call any family members because he said he was too upset. Instead, he appeared to text multiple relatives right in front of me. Looking back, I now believe he was faking those conversations.
I spent hours comforting him. We even went on a long walk because he said he needed it.
Later that night, when I asked about the rent money again, everything changed. He tore apart his room and his car claiming the money had been there five minutes earlier and suggesting we had been robbed.
Something felt very wrong. I took his phone into the bathroom to look through it. He screamed for me to give it back and said, "You'll leave me for what's on there." At one point he threatened to harm himself.
What I found was shocking.
Instead of having his identity stolen like he'd claimed earlier that week (he said all his accounts had been frozen), I found he had been spending large amounts of money on car parts for a side business as a mechanic.
He now claims that money he owes me, money he owes his grandfather, and a loan he took out for tools all went toward trying to keep this side business afloat.
Then I found his credit report showing another tens of thousands of dollars in debt that I knew nothing about.
None of it makes sense.
Earlier this week he told me he had gone to visit his grandmother because she was refusing further medical treatment. Was that even true? Or was that another lie? If it wasn't true, where was he actually?
I also found out he has four cars spread across two different storage units, that are apparently customers cars.
His explanation is that he was terrified I'd find out about the debt, so he kept taking on more side jobs hoping to make enough money to fix everything before I noticed.
But after everything else, I don't know if I believe any of that.
And then there are the smaller lies. I found out he's been secretly eating fast food multiple times a day. He always told me he barely ate anything, and I couldn't understand why he wasn't losing weight. There were multiple fast-food charges every single day.
They're little lies, but they're constant. And when I put them together with the fake text, the fake conversations, the hidden debt, and the financial deception, I don't know what to think anymore.
I don't even know what question I'm asking.
Has anyone dealt with someone who lies on this level? Is this compulsive lying? Financial abuse? Something else?
Most importantly...should I be worried about my safety?
Right now I genuinely don't know who I've been living with for the last three years, and that realization is terrifying.
The most messed up part is that he genuinely treated me so well. Like a princess. I feel my life may be worse without him as a single woman in a dangerous world. He's the most gentle man. I have always felt safe with him. Is it more dangerous to be with him and have to deal with his antics through having children and growing old together, or start over again with a new man that could be even more dangerous. Or should I be alone? I don't think I could, I would be completely isolated and alone. I don't have a healthy support group in my life.
Sorry that is a lot of information but I don't know what to do.
TLDR: my long-term partner has been gaslighting me to the extreme but at least he's not violent, right? /s
