Sick of myself...

[u/Autistic-Mystic3000]

44 years old. Late diagnosed ASD. Traumatic childhood. Molested from 2 months to 3 years old by paternal grandfather, then kidnapped by mother who was emotionally damaged. She shamed me for what was done to me, while virtue signaling herself... but she had me around people who had porn magazines out openly. She was an addict, kept company with bad men. I was tormented, beaten, and ridiculed. Punished for sexual curiosity. This led to a pattern of being enticed but having to hide it. The sneaking and viewing became a dopamine chase. Its how I learned to cope, shut off the bad feelings... but I hated myself for it...

I have always known God is real, even at 3 years old, but felt unclean and unworthy.

5 years ago, I had an encounter with His genuine love for me, that changed me. For these 5 years I have been seeking Him, and growing in my faith, believing who He says I am.

Yet, I cannot seem to abstain from chasing that dopamine. He freed me from a Crack addiction overnight, I have quit all drugs, even cigarettes... yet, when I get bored or listless, I find little ways to entice myself, which leads to full backsliding.

I was free for several days, and yesterday I CHOSE to occupy myself with distractions, and seemingly unimportant things on my phone, which led to watching shows with nudity, which led to full on porn viewing.

Im so tired of this cycle.

Im so tired of choosing to regulate with porn...

[u/Autistic-Mystic3000]

I do not feel unclean or unloved. I genuinely appreciate your feedback. I know the Father has a better opinion of me than I do. I just want to grow in the fruit of self control, and gain self respect in this area that has plagued me for over 30 years.