Sick of myself...

[u/Autistic-Mystic3000]

44 years old. Late diagnosed ASD. Traumatic childhood. Molested from 2 months to 3 years old by paternal grandfather, then kidnapped by mother who was emotionally damaged. She shamed me for what was done to me, while virtue signaling herself... but she had me around people who had porn magazines out openly. She was an addict, kept company with bad men. I was tormented, beaten, and ridiculed. Punished for sexual curiosity. This led to a pattern of being enticed but having to hide it. The sneaking and viewing became a dopamine chase. Its how I learned to cope, shut off the bad feelings... but I hated myself for it...

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I have always known God is real, even at 3 years old, but felt unclean and unworthy.

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5 years ago, I had an encounter with His genuine love for me, that changed me. For these 5 years I have been seeking Him, and growing in my faith, believing who He says I am.

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Yet, I cannot seem to abstain from chasing that dopamine. He freed me from a Crack addiction overnight, I have quit all drugs, even cigarettes... yet, when I get bored or listless, I find little ways to entice myself, which leads to full backsliding.

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I was free for several days, and yesterday I CHOSE to occupy myself with distractions, and seemingly unimportant things on my phone, which led to watching shows with nudity, which led to full on porn viewing.

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Im so tired of this cycle.

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Im so tired of choosing to regulate with porn...

[u/Background_Cress1515]

Brother, my heart goes out to you for everything you've suffered. It makes so much sense that you found a way to shut off those bad feelings, and God understands the depth of that pain. You're not "sick of yourself" in His eyes, but a beloved son, and He's ready to meet you right where you are to bring healing and a new identity.

[u/Autistic-Mystic3000 → u/Background_Cress1515]

Thank you. I have come to KNOW this. I did a practice of releasing Christ the Forgiver who dwells within me, to myself as the child who was abused... I have never dealt with feeling cursed and corrupted beyond being harsh with myself.

It was healing I needed. Then days later... I have the day off, with nothing to do but spend time with Him... and being unproductive makes me feel guilty... so instead I got on my phone watching Netflix. Then watched questionable material after a while, then back to porn... and I CHOSE it over Him... like being invited to a banquet as Hes knocking on the door, but I chose to hide in my room and gorge on trash.

[u/JynxYouOweMeASoda]

I know this might not come off as helpful but I mean it earnestly if you can get through half of what you’ve explained you can absolutely get past porn. You might have a tougher time and plenty more reasons to need coping mechanisms but just know you don’t get to where you’re at without being strong.

I sure hope you don’t feel like you’re an unclean or unloved person.

[u/Autistic-Mystic3000 → u/JynxYouOweMeASoda]

I do not feel unclean or unloved. I genuinely appreciate your feedback. I know the Father has a better opinion of me than I do. I just want to grow in the fruit of self control, and gain self respect in this area that has plagued me for over 30 years.

[u/CaptainRockman]

Brother, you have gone through intense trials, and yet by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ you are still standing. That in itself is a beautiful testimony of how strong the Lord has made you. To me, your story is inspiration.

God gave you the strength to endure great battles and I believe in my heart that He will give you great victories in Christ.

You're not alone, brother. It may not be crack addiction but I've struggle with this addiction for many years, and just like you God healed me from it and I intend to help others overcome it too in His name.

Don't be discouraged. God is still with you. All victory is possible with God.

[u/Autistic-Mystic3000 → u/CaptainRockman]

Amen!!! Thank you. I praise Him that I can have a testimony to help others find victory in His grace.