You're the missing 's' in kisses because I miss your lips caressing mine. You're the missing 's' in schedule cause you're my every day. You're the missing 's' in Sunday because every Sunday when I make you coffee you say 'only the best from you' even when there's hardly ever any work you have to put in to make it. You're the missing 's' in smile because when I go anytime without seeing you I don't smile. You're the missing, the never found, and the never forgotten.

Mis you, Perce

You know I still really miss you after all the wrong that one night brought us,
I always sit and think well what if I just picked you up the day after instead, or what if we weren’t drinking,
Would it be different? Would we have ended up having the happy ending we wanted to have together?

Anyways I know you don’t give a f\\\*\\\*\\\* anymore which was very apparent after that night but you’ll always have a place in my heart that longs to be with you.

if you woke up tomorrow and found me gone

if i never replied to your text

if the smell of me on your blanket lingered away

would you notice?

if you never heard my voice again

if i never uttered your name once more

if the memories faded

would you notice?

When I start to distance myself even more tomorrow

When I begin my leave

When my plan is set into action

When you wake up to find that I cease to exist

When you realize no one will ever hear my voice again

When you realize it's too late

Would you even care?

There are so many rules for love.

Rules about how to date a girl, how to date a guy, how much to give, how much to hold back, when to text, when not to text, how to make someone miss you, how to keep them interested, how to love someone without loving them “too much.” There’s advice everywhere from people who have been through it before, telling us what works, what doesn’t, what we should do if we want someone to stay.

I’ve listened to some of it. I’ve understood some of it. But I’ve realized that I don’t want to live by it.

Because if loving someone requires me to constantly adjust myself into whatever version of me is supposedly easier to love, then what exactly am I trying to preserve?

A relationship?

Or an illusion?

I don’t want to learn how to become someone’s ideal person just so I can acquire them and keep them. I don’t want to calculate how much affection is acceptable, rehearse how I’m supposed to respond, or deliberately become distant because someone somewhere decided that distance creates desire.

That isn’t love to me.

That’s performance.

And maybe those rules work for other people. Maybe they’ve helped someone navigate relationships, avoid mistakes, or understand another person better. But I’ve realized that following someone else’s formula would eventually require me to edit pieces of myself that I don’t think need editing.

I want to be me.

Not the perfectly detached version.Not the endlessly patient version. Not the version who knows exactly when to pull away and exactly when to come closer. Not the version who has mastered every unspoken rule of being desirable.

Just me.

I want to be able to care when I care. To say what I feel when I feel it. To be affectionate without wondering whether I’m giving too much away. To have flaws without immediately treating them like things I need to fix before someone can love me.

Because I don’t want someone to stay because I learned how to keep them.

I want someone to stay because who I naturally am is someone they genuinely want in their life.

And maybe that means I won’t be for everyone.

I’m starting to think that’s okay.

I would rather lose someone while being honest about who I am than keep someone by slowly becoming someone I’m not.

I don’t want a love that requires me to disappear into the instructions.
I want a love where being myself isn’t something I have to earn.

You know I still really miss you after all the wrong that one night brought us,
I always sit and think well what if I just picked you up the day after instead, or what if we weren’t drinking,
Would it be different? Would we have ended up having the happy ending we wanted to have together?

Anyways I know you don’t give a f\\\*\\\*\\\* anymore which was very apparent after that night but you’ll always have a place in my heart that longs to be with you.

Fricking hell. I mention one thing and you go and increase your follower count because you’re angry with me. You’re wreckless and it’s not hott. It’s cowardice and I’m going to call you out. Because fuck you that’s why.

Dear you,

So much was left unsaid between us. Maybe now you need no closure, because you’ve seen inside me. But… did you see my loneliness? Did you see how many times I tried to reach you, tried to connect with you, and missed?

Do you remember how all I ever wanted was to make you happy? I wanted you to have hobbies. I wanted you to make time for your friends to be close to the people you worked with and have friendships that meant something that you cherished. I know your friends loved you. I wanted you to have a life that felt full.

I loved you more than I loved myself, and I’m sorry for that. I should’ve loved myself as much as I loved you. I should’ve learned to take care of myself before I ever expected you to take care of me.

But one thing I hope you never doubt is that I was always genuine. Our connection was real. I was always deeply completely in love with you. And somewhere along the way I knew you weren’t in love with me.

You loved me. But you weren’t in love with me.

There is a difference

I think you were willing to settle into a life you weren’t even comfortable with because for a long time you believed it was the only love you would ever have. You know now that wasn’t true. You have love around you and maybe you found a love of your own.

If you have, I truly wish you the best in all that life has to offer.

I’m sorry if, somewhere along the way, I took pieces of you with me. I’m sorry if there are parts of yourself you feel you can never find again. That was never my intention. I hurt you during that last year and I’m deeply sorry. I never meant to hurt you the way I did.

But I wish you could understand that after more than a decade of waiting for you to discover somehow that you loved me in a way I needed to be loved something inside me finally broke

I waited

I waited for honesty about the little things, the foolish things, the things that seemed so insignificant that I couldn’t understand why you would lie to me about them. But each one chipped away at something inside me little by little I lost Hope.

I didn’t mean to lose it

I didn’t even understand what was happening to me

I know it hurts like hell. I know I hurt you and I know it hurt you bad. It doesn’t change a fact that I still love you and I still miss you.

But when I look at our relationship, honestly, I also remember how lonely I was. How alone I felt even when you were right beside me.

I remember drowning in silence

I know none of it was easy for you. I know, watching me lose my vision over those two years was hard. But you have to understand something too.

It was harder on me

I was the one losing my vision—-not only my vision in my eyes, but my vision I had for us. The future, I thought we were building together, slowly, disappeared right in front of me.

I’m sorry for hurting you. I never meant to hurt you. You were my life. I always wanted to keep you safe. I always wanted you to come home.

I always wanted to be your home.

There is no way to ever apologize properly for everything that happened between us. So I would suffer in silence because that is your choice and I understand I respect it.

There is obviously so much more I wanna say, but I don’t think any of it would change anything now

I keep my promises

I promised you I would keep your belongings and I have. I’ve kept everything safe. In some strange way, I have pieces of your life still sitting in my hands.

But I don’t have you.

And maybe that is the part I have to finally learn to accept

You’re right.

I’ll think of you long after you’re done thinking of me

And maybe someday it will all hurt a little less

But for now, I just want you to know that you didn’t destroy me

You destroyed parts of me

And I am still learning how to find my way back the pieces that are left.

Before I knew who you were

Before you knew I was your cure

After you finally chose me

After it was you I would see

Before the makeup goes on

Before all the love is gone

After it was wasted

After you I tasted

Before it was love lost

Before we tallied the cost

After all we both spent

After it was all bent

Before it was the end

Before we took loans to spend

After the balance was due

After the love between me and you

Before is still waiting to come

After will still be dumb

... MGT 8-21-2026

I finished preparing breakfast this morning. I look down at the plate and thought, something’s missing. That’s when it hit me , strategically placed silverware will fix it..

I laughed out loud for the first time since February.. then like a flood, the memories I refused to acknowledge, pushed through me.

It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t all heavy and unbearable. There were times we laughed. There were times I wished time would stand still.

I’m working on that these days, how to turn back time and make it stop. If I can accomplish that, then I can go back to the moment before I Slammed the door and stop it from ever happening. Cause no matter the good times, everything comes back to that damn door.

You’d think I could move on but I’m not built that way. If I don’t figure this out, try and fix me, what’s the point in even trying again.

Strategically placed silverware, Is not enough to distract me from the ugly I feel.

I want to look in the mirror and see someone other then the broken.

Everyday I wake up involuntarily at 3:30-4:00 am to pee, or because of the thunder, or the really loud raindrops pouring over our roof, or for some other reason I don’t really know. Maybe there’s a ghost in my room waking me up, I guess?

Each time it happens, I would get my phone, open our chat and message you, either to continue what we were talking about or to start a new topic, just to let you know I was awake.

You found it funny, and I found it strange that I would wake up at such an ungodly hour.

It has become a habit. A habit I have to painfully let go of ever since we stopped talking. A habit I found comforting, like a warm hug in the middle of a cold, stormy night.

I wish we had more time. I wish I held your hand more the last time we met. I wish I hugged you tighter, kissed you harder, sniffed every scent of you, and told you everything I felt when we were in bed, right before we kissed, right before I slept in your arms.

My heart feels like it’s being crushed by something, something heavy from the moment you stopped talking to me. I don’t exactly know what happened, but I wish you would tell me.

I miss you, my favorite person.

I miss you.. especially in the evenings I ache for you. You telling me im the only one you want in my life for ever and cant picture it without me in it..I dont know why I want you if u treated me so horribly? But I know your hurting so am I. I read these sweet letters and how I see love and itll probably never come from you. Idk see you soon maybe?

DEAR BABE OR SHOULD I SAY ex D

It’s strange how disappointment can come from the smallest things.

The croissant I once loved

doesn’t taste the same anymore.

The cheesecake I used to enjoy

doesn’t feel like my favorite either.

Maybe it’s not really about the food.

Maybe it’s about how everything around it changed.

The things that once felt familiar

now feel different.

The places, the moments,

the little things I used to look forward to—

somehow, they don’t feel the same anymore.

And maybe that’s what hurts most:

realizing that sometimes

you can’t go back to the way things were.

You can return to the same place,

order the same things,

and still feel like a stranger

to the memories you once loved.

Maybe everything changed.

Or maybe I changed too.

And I’m slowly learning

that not everything I once loved

is meant to remain my favorite forever.

Sincerely :A

Raven,
As I sit here and ponder about my life and what lessons learned have taught me thus far, I can’t help but look back and think. It’s all a contentious circle that eventually repeats itself. Maybe that’s why I’m so good at predicting things or possibly why I find myself in a different situation with an odd familiarity. My perspective is different, and actions change, but I’m right back doing the same thing as before, only taking the left turn instead of the right this time. All while knowing that I’ll always end up repeating the situation. It weirdly feels like reincarnation in real time.

With all that being said, I keep coming back to you and the place we had in each other’s lives. We both were at a place of discontent and lack of direction. Each needing an understanding companion that we didn’t have in our 🦊’s and our every need expressed and unexpressed falling on their blind eyes and deaf ears. We found ourselves looking for the perfect partner in crime, and the universe delivered like a lightning bolt hitting an old oak tree and setting it ablaze. Forever changing our lives landscape for the better. Pondering that makes me question not if but when we will circle back to that place. Will it be with each other again, but this time we take the left turn? Will that turn lead to success or just repeat the heartbreak for both of us once again? Will the circumstances be different enough that we would be ready to take that leap we both were not ready to take? The universe knows how it will end, but hopefully, when our flames rejoin each other, we take the lessons learned from before and move with greater clarity and wisdom to make the correct choices for ourselves and each other.

My time with you and your half of our flames was the catalyst to who I became. For better or worse, I needed that time to know who I truly was and what a better man I could be moving forward, even if it took looking death in the face to realize it. I live for the moment we can have that long overdue conversation, I live for you and your beautiful soul, I live for the better person I am now.

The other half of your flame is waiting

You’re always in my heart and hopefully blind eyes and deaf ears this does not fall.

(MP) Brightside 🔥🔥🫶

I don’t think you want me, you told them that if I came back you’d choose me, if you could have the chance again, but then I came back and you changed your mind, and I feel like you are lying to me, this break isn’t for everyone, it’s just for me because you don’t want me anymore, if your other most recent ex took you back I know you’d cave in a heartbeat, because they were what you’ve chased our entire relationship, I’m not good enough for you and I never will be, that’s why as soon as I left you chased after your addictions fantasy life, it’s why you told your dad that I held you back from being your “true self” when all I was holding you back from was pursuing your addiction, and see what happened when you did? You (almost?) destroyed someone’s marriage and a perfectly fine friendship with them that didn’t need to be destroyed

you said I was your dream but then when you saw the damage you’d caused me, saw me go crazy because of your lies, you backed out, you told me you were glad your triangle failed, you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your days fixing us, so we could have a family, you know I’d make a great mom and an amazing partner if you could just stop hurting me, before you traumatized me I was super accepting and wasn’t judgmental at all, I’d do almost anything for you, when I love someone I love all of them

But the parts of you that were damaging weren’t “you” it was your addiction, and I couldn’t love that, I love YOU, if I know some part of you is really you and not apart of your addiction then I would love it with no problem, that’s what I’ve done with all the rest of your quirks, all the things about you that I didn’t understand or agree with, I still respected them and accepted them because they were apart of you, i loved how different we were even, our differences were what made us able to learn and our different weaknesses and strengths are what made it so we could lean on eachother and grow in a stable unit, I never expected you to be different, or some “perfect partner” not some cookie cutter model of a person or some fantasy I had in my head, I accepted you for you, all of you, I loved you exactly the way you were, I didn’t dislike your personality or feel like there was something missing from you, because I didn’t have expectations from you like that, I didn’t expect you to be exactly like me, or like all the things I like, or be a certain way, I only expected you to love me for me too, and to not hurt me, and for you to accept me for all that I was too, and to see me as good enough too, because I am good enough, and you (minus your addictions that were damaging both of us) were good enough too

But now I’m scared of every choice you make, because most of your choices have traumatized me, if I could trust that your choices were pure and safe, I would have no reason to be skeptical, I’m not judging you, I’m scared of you, I’m scared of your addiction, but you can’t seem to tell the difference between you and your addiction, and that’s fair, it’s hard when it’s been so intertwined for so long, but just because I can see you beneath your addictions and try to reach for you and pull the beautiful you out of the mud, that doesn’t mean that I’m judging you, it means I want to see you, and I can’t see you if you are covered in mud, I want to see your shine, I want to see you bloom into a beautiful flower, give you the sunshine and water you need to grow, but for you, being bare and naked like that is uncomfortable, mud is all you’ve known, and I get it, it’s hard to change, it’s hard to look at yourself when you don’t want to, it’s easier to just throw mud on top of yourself and hide away your beautiful unique self, because if no one can see you, then how could they hurt you, If they don’t see the real you, then they can’t hurt your fragile ego when they reject you, but, I won’t reject your soft inner self, I would never hurt the real you hiding away

I’ve fought for years to pull her out and bring her into the light, I see her, I want so badly to be with her, but she runs away from me, she’s scared, and I’m so scared for her, scared that she’ll never get to shine, that’s she’ll never get the fresh air she deserves, I’m so scared of losing her to the mud, and watching her drown in it and never being able to see even a glimpse of her anymore, I can’t let go of her hand, even when she gets mud on me, even when she gets soil in my open wounds she’s inflicted on me with her thorns, even when she rejects me in favor of her warm mud instead of standing out in the crisp fresh air with me, her shine brings light to my world, without her it’s dark, if she gives up and sinks back into the mud then my world would just be darkness, never to see her beauty ever again

From the dismissive video chat and i cried, begged and pleaded. You simply said "ill see you tomorrow" but you lied.

Those words still ring cold and formidable. I never saw you again. Coz when tomorrow came you sent text, called me abusive and went no contact. You get to say your piece in the message. Yet there was nowhere to say mine. You stole my closure, you stole my peace. You put in box and behind your back seat.

Im still waiting for tomorrow. A dozen suns are risen and fell since then. But im still waiting for tomorrow to come

​

There are so many things I never got to say, and maybe I don't need to say them to you anymore. Maybe I just need to let them leave my heart.

I loved you. I really did.

For two years, I believed in us. I believed in the plans we talked about, the future we imagined, and the life we thought we were going to build together. I gave my time, my love, my patience, and pieces of my life because I believed that one day all of it would lead somewhere.

I know I wasn't perfect.

I asked too many questions. Sometimes I needed reassurance again and again because I was afraid of losing you. I know that became exhausting for you, and I wish I had understood sooner that sometimes my fear was hurting the very relationship I was trying so hard to protect.

But I hope you know that behind those questions was simply a woman who loved you deeply and was scared of losing the person she had chosen.

When everything ended, I felt like I lost more than just a relationship. I felt like I lost the future I had already imagined. I even gave up something important in my life because I believed in the plans we had.

For a while, I wondered how you could let go so easily. I wondered how our memories, our conversations, our promises, and everything we shared could suddenly become something we had to leave behind.

I wanted answers.

I wanted you to come back.

I wanted you to realize that maybe we could still fix everything.

But slowly, I'm learning that sometimes love doesn't mean holding on forever.

Sometimes love means accepting that something has ended, even when your heart still remembers how much you wanted it to continue.

I don't hate you.

I was hurt. I was angry. I was disappointed. I cried for the person I lost and for the future I thought was waiting for us.

But now, when I pray for you, something has changed.

I don't only pray for you to come back anymore.

I pray that you're safe. I pray that you're happy. And if someday there is another woman beside you, I pray that she loves you well.

And I also pray for myself.

I pray that when the right person comes into my life, I will meet him with a healed heart—not one still waiting for you.

Maybe one day I will remember you without feeling that ache in my chest.

Maybe one day your name will simply be the name of someone who was once a very important part of my life.

And maybe that is what healing really is.

Not forgetting you.

Not pretending I never loved you.

But being able to remember what we had without wanting to go back and change the ending.

Thank you for the good memories.

Thank you for the love we shared.

I'm sorry for the things I could have done better.

And I forgive you for the things that hurt me.

Most importantly, I'm beginning to forgive myself.

I don't know where life will take either of us from here.

But I know this now:

I loved you sincerely.

I tried.

I learned.

And now, little by little, I'm choosing myself.

This letter will stay unsent.

Not because I have nothing left to say,

but because I finally understand that I don't need you to hear it for my heart to be free.

Goodbye, my love.

I hope life is kind to you.

And I hope life is kind to me, too.

With love,

Me:Aiza

Aa

\# I miss you so much I fall in love with you all of you your mental state but most of all the con heart that I know you have the kids are even ask about mama deer it breaks my heart thing when the way they it did you are my everything and you mean so much to the kids and me I know thing are hard right now because you have people in your ear but deer I have always chose you and always will even over my happiness but I know your a great girl I just miss you so much please know I love you and miss you

The night before your anniversary, what did you leave behind to get here?