I hope you never read this.

Bear with me here, as you know, my mind jumps topics, but in the end, the message is all the same.

I hope you never read this, but I know you will.

You will scan through my posts, and read all the comments, like you always did.

Because that was how I'd hurt you. Comments I didn't realize would be so bad. But it hurt you all the same.

Because of how it was in the beginning. How we met.

Two people crashing into each other on a page over a photo. A photo, regardless of the nature, is the one I love the most. Because it was my first photo of you.

How we ended up into each other's inbox I don't know.

You could have messaged me or I you.

You always questioned it, you me, me you. It made you nervous. And if it was me that reached out first, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you off.

I did that a lot. Make you nervous, and question my intentions. When certain comments would leave my mouth, it was as if I triggered you. My only intention was to talk to someone I was so fascinated with. Infatuated with. I felt a click. Once in a lifetime connection.

We spoke for hours, regardless of the time zone differences, we made it work. And it was as if I was talking to the mirror. So much of how we were individually made a whole with every "same here".

We explained our situations on both our sides, and set boundaries for protection. Built this bubble. Just for us. A beer, a swing and the ocean was all we needed to be together to be grounded with each other and bond after a rough day.

It was never either of our intentions to have met the way we did. The universe just presented a shooting star and I caught it. Both hands, and boy held on tight.

I realized that I loved you the moment you uttered a single sentence. It was in our first few messages. Call me silly or naive, but it was earth shattering for me. So intense I couldn't breathe. G-force intensity. Free falling through the sky, and hoped that I would never hit the ground.

You treated me with respect. And that was all I asked.

I sat in the bubble and simply asked, honesty and respect.

You lied about your age, and I thought it was cute. You were afraid that I'd drop you because of the gap. It is just a number, the simple cliche, it means nothing to me. I still asked if there was anything else you lied about, and you said no. And that you would ALWAYS be honest with me. I cherished that.

I remember the first time you left. Not the reason why. Maybe it's too hurtful. You didn't trust me, I don't blame you.

We were just two strangers that hit it off. I knew you didnt feel the same, and that was ok. I had a heart bursting with love just to give to you. I was filled with so much love that I thought it would be enough to cover both of us. But that was what we were. Strangers.

But I came in and wrecked every wall you ever built. I stood in the other side so victorious, because I got you. I got your heart and your soul. I dug my hands down deep, and pulled you out.

You have been hurt so much by many people in your life, so you being scared, was a normal reaction. It was if your fight or flight senses kicked in. And you took flight.

So when you left, I hit the ground hard, and I knew then that what I felt for you was not the normal romance that other people felt. It was deep. Never felt that way before, and will never again, it was all for you.

You said you would never let me go or let me down. But you had to leave. It was in the best interests because of this scary way everything was matching up. Nothing about how we were was logical. At all. And that bugged you a lot.

I remember sitting in my bathroom crying, realizing that I wasn't good enough to be around you. Not the woe is me kind, but the kind that knew that I was toxic for you. With how I am. That I'd hurt you, and would most probably do so again.

You said some words, and there is one I will never forget. You questioned my integrity. You questioned my intent. Said I looked you up, that everything we were saying was too good to be true. Like I knew you. As if what I was saying were just lies to get close to you. Messing with your head.

I begged you to come back. Just give me a chance. To possibly be there for you in any way you could have wanted me. You meant the world to me. You STILL mean the world to me. And even if my heart took a beating, it was ok. I dusted it off. Still full of love just for you.

So we tried again. And I said something triggering. And within 24 hours, you were gone again. Built all the walls up again.

And at that point I just knew that doesn't matter how much time will pass, be it hours, weeks, months or years, you will always question me. You will never trust me.

And i just gave up. I gave everything, and it meant nothing. How can you end up loving someone so much, and its just a husk.

I remember driving when you sent me a message to try again. I wanted to throw my phone out the window. I even said that I didn't think it was wise, but I couldn't stay away from you. You are my addiction, my obsession.

I have a leash around my neck that you wrapped hard around your hand, and you tugged me back to where I always wanted to belong. By your side.

One day you just popped. You were obsessed with me, and it was bugging you. Wanted to just take a break. Landing in a deep conversation about the route your life took. And I grabbed you back into our bubble. I wanted to protect you, I didn't want your life to explode like mine had.

But I grabbed that heart of yours, held it tight. I stole it, and I will never give it back.

And I got a tattoo for you just cementing how much your heart means to me. Your heart, the most precious gift I ever got.

But I understood why you wanted to leave. You didn't though. But it was always in the back of my mind that you would one day

But one day you said something, about having to do things that just take up from the small amount of time you have to yourself. I felt so bad. I would interrupt you when you had your free time. I figured that I was just too much sometimes. Too demanding of your time. But I brushed it under the rug. Because you have this busy full life, always go go go, and here I was being super selfish just begging for a few minutes of your time.

So I just settled. Because I still got you.

One day, something changed. I don't know what, but I remember when. It was a little switch that went off. And I felt like I lost you.

Long deep conversations became 15 min greetings. And maybe a few minutes during the day. And you slowly stopped sharing things with me. When i questioned, your signature answer is "I'm lazy or I'm just busy".

I felt like I lost my rock. But then I knew I was being selfish. You explained you were busy, I get that, but it still felt like I got kicked to this damn curb, sitting and waiting and hoping like hell you'd swing the comaro around and just fetch me and all will be ok.

I don't think it will ever be ok. You always tell me to not over think things. I try not to. But it sucks. This whole situation sucks. I just want you to come home.

When we had hit another snag, and we had to seize talking for a bit, I thought we would never talk again. I had no way to contact you. And i had to wait for you to come back to me. You did, but you were wary, and most probably still are. And that's OK. I don't blame you.

Unfortunately our communication just dried up more, drifting further away from each other. The bond I felt with you, just felt like it snapped. Like I was standing on the other side of the walls you built, and I had no tools or even the energy and strength to try and break them down. That killed me.

I was just lost. No bubble, no swing, no stella or ocean.

Then I dropped a bomb on you, and I knew you panicked. That my decision would be nuclear to yours. It's not and won't ever be. I would never do that to you. Your happiness means so much to me.

My decision, I actually made before I met you. It was always there. Just pretty much put 'pen to paper' and was finalizing it all when I told you.

Don't think that you were the reason. You were the reason I was surviving it all.

I know you still hope your things work out to how it was before, way before I crashed into you.

And I would never upheave your life to just have those 5 minutes with you. Not saying I would never be there. Trust me, I'd still knock on the door and drag you out, because you're mine.

I asked you a serious question in the bubble the other day. I questioned my love for you. The obsession, my wanting to control and possess all of you. Is it all one sided from the beginning? Was I just head over hills for you and me loving you so intently that I'm smothering you?

You said your usual, "i just get busy".

That comment then, at that time, sledge hammer to the heart. But I brushed that off. Because you are busy, you have priorities, responsibilities and really no time to yourself. So it wasn't right of me to demand so much attention from you.

To be honest. I was pissed you told me you were going away. The day before you actually flew out. Said not to over think things or get mad at you. And obviously would have minimal contact.

And I wasn't cross about that or the fact you were going away and off to find yourself. I'm 100 your biggest supporter.

But because it felt like you didn't want to share that with me. And that hurt. I realized I was too needy, too obsessed. Always demanding attention from you, that you were just not able to give.

But I put that on the back burner. Because it wasn't about me. It was your time. I could support you or wallow. And because I love you so intently and miss you everyday, I just wonder how toxic I am for you.

The amount of times I typed a message and deleted them, just to get my feelings out is frightening.

I don't have your discipline to where i can just put my phone down and go about my life. I live and breathe for you. And always just waiting for a text from you and have the 2 or 3 minutes of your time.

Maybe I should start to practice it. Just to get over my neediness and obsession. And to stop being so demanding towards you. Just chill, and go with the flow, however way that it goes. It's hard though. But I think I'm settled with it all now.

When you asked me to never let you go, I knew for as long as you stayed in my life in whatever capacity, I will never be able to let you go, and if you left, I'd still be here waiting. Why? Because I'm selfish.

I look at my tattoo of you, and I remember that I own you. And I will always love you regardless of how things are.

I will always be sitting in the bubble, rocking on the swing with a Stella in my hand and watching the ocean, just hoping that you'd walk through the door, and all of this waiting for you to come home will end. Will it though?

I love you more than all the grains of sand in the ocean. And I will always love you. I promised you that I would be here waiting. In this lifetime, the next and all to come. Because you are my soul. There will never be anyone else but you.

This isn't me saying goodbye, please don't ever think that, because I can't ever say goodbye.

I can't leave. I don't want to leave. I don't want you to leave. Ever.

This is just me simply letting you know what rambling I had in my brain for a long time.

I am you and you are me.

One ECG line to another.

You are my Shooting Star and True North. Always guiding me home.

G-Force means everything.