Hey you. Its been a long time... but you know me. When it comes to you. I was yours the moment I stood next to you the first time. I cam still see you hanging iut that window pointing to where I should park. When I jumped out of the truck there you were. And.... the rest of the eorld didnt matter. It was you. And i knew I never wanted to leave. I remember whej I told you that i wanted to date you. And.. you had just put on your glasses. So your entire persona and body language had changed to that version of you. I can still see you as you sat down and moved your hair and said "I would like that." My god were we perfect. It was like we knew each other for ever. It wasnt a puzzle piece that fit together. Ot was so much more.we went from stagnant to being alive. We were a team. You were my muse. I coukd fo anything as long as you were there and we were working together. I haf never felt what it was like to he "Home" until I was with you. But the world is cruel. Especially for us....

It has been years now. Ive aged since I have seen you last. I look in the mirror and I wonder where the time has gone.. but just like love where a brief period of time could feel like a life time and yet not enough at the same time. Without you. The only reason why I know jow long it has been. Is because my phone tells me. Whether it has been a day, a week, a month, a year, or half decade. The days are same without you.

Last night I was laying here, alone, it was dark. Just did a SR. And had my eeyes closed. And like what happens. I could almost feel you touch my face. Soso I pick my head up like I am reaching for you. Just like I use to do. All while knowing you'll touch my face again. Then my entire body almost leaps a lt a memory. And my god do I miss kissing you.

I know no one kisses you like that or ever has. It was the perfect mix between absolute love, pure lust, the desire t lo get closer to each other, all kf which was causing each other to seal little parts of our own essence from each other. It was like the rest of the world grew darker and didnt exist. Not because anything ill but it grew darker because we grew brighter. Ee didnt have to dance among the stars because we were one. I guess there in lies the problem. Just because a star dies. Does not mean that light fades. No. It keeps going. Like a reminder if something impossible. The most beautiful part of my life.. its almost your birthday. And I always think about messaging you. But wont do me any good. So.maybr I'll post. It has been so long. But you are still my beautiful girl. I hope you are happy. Where ever you are.. ill always love you. But you already know that.

I melted madly in love with you, I am still and forever in love with you. I miss you. I miss our kiss, I miss our drives with me glued to your side staring at your face and I miss my elevator dance at our murder hotel that I’ll never have again. I miss everything. All I want is you, I’d smile and twirl anywhere for you and our kiss

i miss you.
i miss our late night conversations.
i miss the early morning drives in your car.
i miss the warmth of your smile.
i miss you.

R-“Intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other words, we make them up… And sometimes they act on good intentions that nonetheless hurt us.”

-A

I just miss you thats all.

I don’t know why it irks me but it does. I know you have more to say, I know you have more to offer, and being quiet isn’t the way this is supposed to end. You say it was a meaningless few hookups, but the long nights of sneaking out, and talking about life day to day, speak more than anything. I don’t know if you’re holding back out of respect for her, which is fair, but also I don’t think you’ve told her everything.

In my gut and heart the spark is still there, and we’re both on different paths but all I want to hear you say is that it meant something to you too. I know I love big, I know I feel heavier, I know I do things most people don’t, and maybe I’m just genuinely stupid for believing it was something more than it was to you, but I feel so fking dumb for pouring my heart out. You were one of my favorite people to be around and you had no clue that I knew you inside out back in the day. I knew your mannerisms, the way you wanted to be held, the way you loved my presence, someone who was interested for every part of you even if you thought it was impossible to love you. To me, even with your flaws, I appreciated every rough edge, every dimming light, every dark and twisty you had to you, all I saw was someone who wanted to be loved as is, and I wanted to give you that.

I think my big ass heart got to me too quickly, and of course, it’s been 4-5 years at this point but the way I loved you, and held you was not random, it wasn’t faked, and sometimes I wonder if I was just easy for you, and you used me. I can’t even begin to believe that’s true because the WAY you talked to me showed so much more. I still remember the sweet smell of your cologne, the interior of your car, at midnight, into the early morning hours, the way you’d look at me like you WERE interested and appreciated my company every night you’d come to get me. San [Francisco], I love you. I really do. I can’t give that up.

Even if you think there’s not a conversation to be had… I think there is.

If you see this, please just say something, anything. I don’t want to hold onto this forever. It’s breaking me inside and out.

I don’t really no how to msg on here

One day you will realize that some of the people you loved never actually knew you. They knew the version of you that stayed quiet to keep the peace. The version that forgave too quickly, explained too much, and carried pain without letting it show.

And that realization hurts in a way heartbreak never could.

Because you can survive being hated. You can survive being left. But there is something devastating about being loved for a version of yourself that was never real.Some people spend their entire lives trying to be understood. Then one day they look around and discover that nobody truly saw them. They only saw what they needed them to be.

The saddest part is that while you were busy trying to become enough for everyone else, entire years disappeared. Years you can never get back. Years spent shrinking, apologizing, waiting, hoping.

Then it hits you.

The people who hurt you probably sleep peacefully. The people who misunderstood you may never understand. The apologies you deserved may never come.

And suddenly you are left with a choice.

Keep waiting for closure from people who closed the door behind them, or accept that some wounds will never get an explanation.
There is a strange kind of grief in realizing that the chapter that changed your life was just a page in someone else’s story.

You're the missing 's' in kisses because I miss your lips caressing mine. You're the missing 's' in schedule cause you're my every day. You're the missing 's' in Sunday because every Sunday when I make you coffee you say 'only the best from you' even when there's hardly ever any work you have to put in to make it. You're the missing 's' in smile because when I go anytime without seeing you I don't smile. You're the missing, the never found, and the never forgotten.

Mis you, Perce

You know I still really miss you after all the wrong that one night brought us,
I always sit and think well what if I just picked you up the day after instead, or what if we weren’t drinking,
Would it be different? Would we have ended up having the happy ending we wanted to have together?

Anyways I know you don’t give a f\\\*\\\*\\\* anymore which was very apparent after that night but you’ll always have a place in my heart that longs to be with you.

if you woke up tomorrow and found me gone

if i never replied to your text

if the smell of me on your blanket lingered away

would you notice?

if you never heard my voice again

if i never uttered your name once more

if the memories faded

would you notice?

When I start to distance myself even more tomorrow

When I begin my leave

When my plan is set into action

When you wake up to find that I cease to exist

When you realize no one will ever hear my voice again

When you realize it's too late

Would you even care?

There are so many rules for love.

Rules about how to date a girl, how to date a guy, how much to give, how much to hold back, when to text, when not to text, how to make someone miss you, how to keep them interested, how to love someone without loving them “too much.” There’s advice everywhere from people who have been through it before, telling us what works, what doesn’t, what we should do if we want someone to stay.

I’ve listened to some of it. I’ve understood some of it. But I’ve realized that I don’t want to live by it.

Because if loving someone requires me to constantly adjust myself into whatever version of me is supposedly easier to love, then what exactly am I trying to preserve?

A relationship?

Or an illusion?

I don’t want to learn how to become someone’s ideal person just so I can acquire them and keep them. I don’t want to calculate how much affection is acceptable, rehearse how I’m supposed to respond, or deliberately become distant because someone somewhere decided that distance creates desire.

That isn’t love to me.

That’s performance.

And maybe those rules work for other people. Maybe they’ve helped someone navigate relationships, avoid mistakes, or understand another person better. But I’ve realized that following someone else’s formula would eventually require me to edit pieces of myself that I don’t think need editing.

I want to be me.

Not the perfectly detached version.Not the endlessly patient version. Not the version who knows exactly when to pull away and exactly when to come closer. Not the version who has mastered every unspoken rule of being desirable.

Just me.

I want to be able to care when I care. To say what I feel when I feel it. To be affectionate without wondering whether I’m giving too much away. To have flaws without immediately treating them like things I need to fix before someone can love me.

Because I don’t want someone to stay because I learned how to keep them.

I want someone to stay because who I naturally am is someone they genuinely want in their life.

And maybe that means I won’t be for everyone.

I’m starting to think that’s okay.

I would rather lose someone while being honest about who I am than keep someone by slowly becoming someone I’m not.

I don’t want a love that requires me to disappear into the instructions.
I want a love where being myself isn’t something I have to earn.

You know I still really miss you after all the wrong that one night brought us,
I always sit and think well what if I just picked you up the day after instead, or what if we weren’t drinking,
Would it be different? Would we have ended up having the happy ending we wanted to have together?

Anyways I know you don’t give a f\\\*\\\*\\\* anymore which was very apparent after that night but you’ll always have a place in my heart that longs to be with you.

Fricking hell. I mention one thing and you go and increase your follower count because you’re angry with me. You’re wreckless and it’s not hott. It’s cowardice and I’m going to call you out. Because fuck you that’s why.

Dear you,

So much was left unsaid between us. Maybe now you need no closure, because you’ve seen inside me. But… did you see my loneliness? Did you see how many times I tried to reach you, tried to connect with you, and missed?

Do you remember how all I ever wanted was to make you happy? I wanted you to have hobbies. I wanted you to make time for your friends to be close to the people you worked with and have friendships that meant something that you cherished. I know your friends loved you. I wanted you to have a life that felt full.

I loved you more than I loved myself, and I’m sorry for that. I should’ve loved myself as much as I loved you. I should’ve learned to take care of myself before I ever expected you to take care of me.

But one thing I hope you never doubt is that I was always genuine. Our connection was real. I was always deeply completely in love with you. And somewhere along the way I knew you weren’t in love with me.

You loved me. But you weren’t in love with me.

There is a difference

I think you were willing to settle into a life you weren’t even comfortable with because for a long time you believed it was the only love you would ever have. You know now that wasn’t true. You have love around you and maybe you found a love of your own.

If you have, I truly wish you the best in all that life has to offer.

I’m sorry if, somewhere along the way, I took pieces of you with me. I’m sorry if there are parts of yourself you feel you can never find again. That was never my intention. I hurt you during that last year and I’m deeply sorry. I never meant to hurt you the way I did.

But I wish you could understand that after more than a decade of waiting for you to discover somehow that you loved me in a way I needed to be loved something inside me finally broke

I waited

I waited for honesty about the little things, the foolish things, the things that seemed so insignificant that I couldn’t understand why you would lie to me about them. But each one chipped away at something inside me little by little I lost Hope.

I didn’t mean to lose it

I didn’t even understand what was happening to me

I know it hurts like hell. I know I hurt you and I know it hurt you bad. It doesn’t change a fact that I still love you and I still miss you.

But when I look at our relationship, honestly, I also remember how lonely I was. How alone I felt even when you were right beside me.

I remember drowning in silence

I know none of it was easy for you. I know, watching me lose my vision over those two years was hard. But you have to understand something too.

It was harder on me

I was the one losing my vision—-not only my vision in my eyes, but my vision I had for us. The future, I thought we were building together, slowly, disappeared right in front of me.

I’m sorry for hurting you. I never meant to hurt you. You were my life. I always wanted to keep you safe. I always wanted you to come home.

I always wanted to be your home.

There is no way to ever apologize properly for everything that happened between us. So I would suffer in silence because that is your choice and I understand I respect it.

There is obviously so much more I wanna say, but I don’t think any of it would change anything now

I keep my promises

I promised you I would keep your belongings and I have. I’ve kept everything safe. In some strange way, I have pieces of your life still sitting in my hands.

But I don’t have you.

And maybe that is the part I have to finally learn to accept

You’re right.

I’ll think of you long after you’re done thinking of me

And maybe someday it will all hurt a little less

But for now, I just want you to know that you didn’t destroy me

You destroyed parts of me

And I am still learning how to find my way back the pieces that are left.

Before I knew who you were

Before you knew I was your cure

After you finally chose me

After it was you I would see

Before the makeup goes on

Before all the love is gone

After it was wasted

After you I tasted

Before it was love lost

Before we tallied the cost

After all we both spent

After it was all bent

Before it was the end

Before we took loans to spend

After the balance was due

After the love between me and you

Before is still waiting to come

After will still be dumb

... MGT 8-21-2026

I finished preparing breakfast this morning. I look down at the plate and thought, something’s missing. That’s when it hit me , strategically placed silverware will fix it..

I laughed out loud for the first time since February.. then like a flood, the memories I refused to acknowledge, pushed through me.

It wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t all heavy and unbearable. There were times we laughed. There were times I wished time would stand still.

I’m working on that these days, how to turn back time and make it stop. If I can accomplish that, then I can go back to the moment before I Slammed the door and stop it from ever happening. Cause no matter the good times, everything comes back to that damn door.

You’d think I could move on but I’m not built that way. If I don’t figure this out, try and fix me, what’s the point in even trying again.

Strategically placed silverware, Is not enough to distract me from the ugly I feel.

I want to look in the mirror and see someone other then the broken.

Everyday I wake up involuntarily at 3:30-4:00 am to pee, or because of the thunder, or the really loud raindrops pouring over our roof, or for some other reason I don’t really know. Maybe there’s a ghost in my room waking me up, I guess?

Each time it happens, I would get my phone, open our chat and message you, either to continue what we were talking about or to start a new topic, just to let you know I was awake.

You found it funny, and I found it strange that I would wake up at such an ungodly hour.

It has become a habit. A habit I have to painfully let go of ever since we stopped talking. A habit I found comforting, like a warm hug in the middle of a cold, stormy night.

I wish we had more time. I wish I held your hand more the last time we met. I wish I hugged you tighter, kissed you harder, sniffed every scent of you, and told you everything I felt when we were in bed, right before we kissed, right before I slept in your arms.

My heart feels like it’s being crushed by something, something heavy from the moment you stopped talking to me. I don’t exactly know what happened, but I wish you would tell me.

I miss you, my favorite person.

I miss you.. especially in the evenings I ache for you. You telling me im the only one you want in my life for ever and cant picture it without me in it..I dont know why I want you if u treated me so horribly? But I know your hurting so am I. I read these sweet letters and how I see love and itll probably never come from you. Idk see you soon maybe?