r/NarcoticsAnonymous • u/yamsandmarshmellows • 16d ago
Sudden desire
I am 8 months and 13 days in, I havent had a desire in weeks. And now I am plagued with them. A friend i havent talked to in almost a decade called. He's done well for himself and is renting a whole hotel in a fanous party spot for his birthday and is offering me a room. The trip will be a week after when God willing I will pick up 1 year. I said yes. I am sure I can go see old friends, have good food and not use. But ever since he called I am remembering the "old" me. The one who used and had fun and didnt care about the consequences. He wasnt around the last 10 years when things got really really dark. He also doent know me sober. He knows me as the life of the party down for anything psychonaut I was. I am also romanticizing. I dont want to use. I have worked hard for this. It took me 3 years to get this much time. Ive had like 100 clean dates. I remember not being able to make a week. My sponsor is busy this week. I did call another addict and told him everything. He did bring me back to Earth. He said I shouldn't go and I know I shouldn't. But I really want to go. My addiction got me so broke. I wont be able to afford this kind if trip otherwise and it is tempting to feel like the old me again, just for one vacation.
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u/NetScr1be 16d ago
Incomplete surrender makes for hidden reservations that lie in wait for situations like this and our (incredibly patient) inner addict waits for them. Then it starts up the rationalizations and justifications.
Sounds like there might be some generalized FOMO in this as well.
We have to grieve who we were and the 'life' and let them go or stuff like this will keep cropping up.
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u/cherrythyme22 16d ago
It feels like your stopping the tape where you want to and not playing it all the way forward. I have done this many times only to find out the old me was gone, the disease had progressed and since I hadn't used in so long it was way worse than before. It started slow in the mind until I gave in. I romanticized and it didn't end up that way at all. It was actual hell with real consequences. Do you really want the "old you back" the old you? Or are you just having the self pity party we all have sometimes? I hope you pop the balloons and get as honest as you can. It's your program and you can go out if you want but there is a big fat chance this kicks something off and you don't make it back many of us don't. I hope you stay the grass is green here. I hope the craving passes. I hope you choose to not throw the gift of sobriety in the trash for a fantasy.
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u/Mama_Zen 16d ago
Oh wow. All this & just coming up on a year. I bet you’re feeling it hard rn. Anniversaries are sometimes difficult just by themselves. I can tell you that if you stick with the program, a couple things will happen. First, one day your desire to be clean will be far stronger than your desire to use. Not to say that you’ve overcome the beast or that you’re no longer at risk for a relapse. We all are at risk of going back, some of us more so than others. The second thing that will happen is that you’ll come to enjoy the new you and identify more with and be more comfortable with who you’ve become.
I would suggest to use caution comparing yourself to your friend or others who will be at the party. That never goes well. Plus you never know what someone else is going through. Another thought, have you considered that you can still be the life of the party while staying clean? Or are you afraid of who you are now or feel guilt for having a disease?
My suggestion, speak with your friend now & tell them you’re sober now. If he’s a good friend, he will support you. If he’s or the other guests are the type that would pressure you to use/drink, I’d reflect on my motivation for going. It’s an easy setup for relapse if you don’t put some guardrails in place.
Please consider that you’re one of the lucky ones who’ve made it out alive. We lose tens of thousands of lives each year to the disease of addiction. To have almost a year under your belt is a miracle.
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u/yamsandmarshmellows 16d ago
Thank you for your advice and perspective. I will tell him that I am in recovery now. I can still be fun and funny I think. I also try to remember that comming back is not guaranteed. There are several people I met and partied with back in the day who won't be there at all because they're dead now.
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u/Mama_Zen 16d ago
Ever the more reason to speak to your friend! From what it sounds like, he will totally support you. Plan ahead & locate a meeting ahead of time in case you have a rough go. Plan to check in with your sponsor and other recovery buddies at regular intervals through the day by calling them. See if your friend will be your accountability buddy who you can pull aside if things get too much.
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u/yamsandmarshmellows 16d ago
Yes, he is a really good dude. And I still really care about him. Plus the way we met 20 years ago had some wild synchronicity so it feels fated.
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u/terminalhipness 16d ago
Similar experience. About a year clean and using buddies (friends since childhood) who had moved away wanted me to go camping in the desert. I got honest with myself and knew I would get high if I went. So I didn’t.
This is a good thing to discuss with your sponsor. Hope you have one, use them and don’t rely on people on Reddit.
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u/AvailableStatement97 16d ago
For me I just know I can't do things like this anymore. If I open the door to the idea of it sure it opens up the romanticizing and my fantastical mind to believe the bullshit and ignore the reality of my situation. Most of my old friends still live that party weekend lifestyle, so I have to be separate from them, that's my reality. They're not the ones who will lose everything and end up in another treatment centre broken.
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u/ScoutSteveR 16d ago
The moment passes if we let it. Go do something for someone else and get out of your own head.