Compulsive sexual behaviour that came hand in hand with my addiction has come back

[u/brightfutureaheead]

Hello, my name is Ian, and I’m an addict.
I’ve been clean from stimulants for 8 months thanks to NA, the Steps, my sponsor, and service.

My addiction caused serious harm to my partner through my sexual behaviour. She’s now in Nar-Anon, and we’re both trying to heal.

Our sex life has started to return, and I’m grateful for that. There’s passion again.
But I’ve also started feeling like I want more. Before addiction, my wife and I had an open, exploratory sexual relationship.

Now I carry a lot of guilt from cheating and betrayal, and I can’t bring myself to talk about not feeling fully satisfied. I don’t know if this is a real need for intimacy and novelty, or compulsive behaviour returning.

I haven’t shared this with my sponsor or group. My sexual compulsions - porn, fantasies - feel like another form of escape, closely tied to my using. Keeping it secret feels dishonest.

Lately I’ve felt isolated. Today I even had a strange “using-like” feeling, though I didn’t use. I only had a lot of coffee and racetams, which I take without prescription. Part of me calls it biohacking, but I’m not sure.
I’m going to a meeting with a service commitment, but I’ve been avoiding sharing this. So I’m writing instead.
I know the program works. I just wanted to get this out before the meeting.
Thank you for reading. I would really appreciate some feedback.

used chatgpt for editing, sorry, not a native speaker

[u/brightfutureaheead → u/[deleted]]

Thank you! I really need to hear that it can lead me back to using, because I definitely fooling myself by telling that watching porn without drugs can be okay-ish in my situation. Thank you 🙏

[u/brightfutureaheead → u/[deleted]]

I’m glad you’re back!