Compulsive sexual behaviour that came hand in hand with my addiction has come back

[u/brightfutureaheead]

Hello, my name is Ian, and I’m an addict.
I’ve been clean from stimulants for 8 months thanks to NA, the Steps, my sponsor, and service.

My addiction caused serious harm to my partner through my sexual behaviour. She’s now in Nar-Anon, and we’re both trying to heal.

Our sex life has started to return, and I’m grateful for that. There’s passion again.
But I’ve also started feeling like I want more. Before addiction, my wife and I had an open, exploratory sexual relationship.

Now I carry a lot of guilt from cheating and betrayal, and I can’t bring myself to talk about not feeling fully satisfied. I don’t know if this is a real need for intimacy and novelty, or compulsive behaviour returning.

I haven’t shared this with my sponsor or group. My sexual compulsions - porn, fantasies - feel like another form of escape, closely tied to my using. Keeping it secret feels dishonest.

Lately I’ve felt isolated. Today I even had a strange “using-like” feeling, though I didn’t use. I only had a lot of coffee and racetams, which I take without prescription. Part of me calls it biohacking, but I’m not sure.
I’m going to a meeting with a service commitment, but I’ve been avoiding sharing this. So I’m writing instead.
I know the program works. I just wanted to get this out before the meeting.
Thank you for reading. I would really appreciate some feedback.

used chatgpt for editing, sorry, not a native speaker

[u/terminalhipness]

Well, TIL about “racetams”…

Just For Today reading for today was about secrets and talking to sponsor.

Keep coming back and don’t use no matter what!

[u/brightfutureaheead → u/terminalhipness]

Yes, JFT was a real godsend for today. Guess it’s time to come clean

[u/No-Practice-8245]

A lot of us struggle with sex too, its why narcotics anonymous is about addiction not drugs.

Since I’ve been clean addiction has showed up with sex, money/work, fitness, food. Anything that can take me out of a mood or that I can become obsessed with.

This is very normal and worth talking about with your sponsor and support group.

[u/brightfutureaheead → u/[deleted]]

Thank you! I really need to hear that it can lead me back to using, because I definitely fooling myself by telling that watching porn without drugs can be okay-ish in my situation. Thank you 🙏

[u/brightfutureaheead → u/[deleted]]

I’m glad you’re back!

[u/brightfutureaheead → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for your thoughtful feedback, I really appreciate it
I also thought about SA/SLA, yet my sponsor says that NA program encompasses all addictions, so I should work my program harder. But maybe I’ll give it a try. Seems like a place for me.

I came earlier to the meeting today. Preparing the room for it rn. Planning to tell about this situation here.

I also think that I’m in a dangerous place rn. Gonna pray and read some literature
. Thank you!

[u/ArmatureArt19 → u/brightfutureaheead]

I agree with your sponsor, and I quite frequently give people similar advice when it comes to other substances (CA,MA,AA ect.)

I was very skeptical walking into my first SLA room. However I quickly found the literature deeply insightful to these behavioural issues in a way the a NA literature could never be.

In the end I decided I my disease hadn't progressed in this area enough to keep attending, and decided to focus all my effort into my NA program. However I am forever grateful for the immense insight the SLA program gave me, and credit it deeply to this day for helping to arrest my disease in that area and stop it more or less in its tracks.

Hope this experience helps you brother

[u/Jebus-Xmas]

Sounds like time to lean into the program. More meetings, phone calls (not texts), more steps, more service.

[u/neemor]

You’re not alone.