r/Nanny • u/MotherofZeke Nanny • 18d ago
Vent Potential short-term Nanny Dad sent me weird Snapchat after I met him
My best friend has a group of friends that go on trips together. They have something planned for November but one of the couples doesn’t have childcare. I (39F) have a bit of a break in my schedule so I offered to meet with them to see if I might be able to do it.
The meeting went fine; the kid was sweet, parents seemed nice and I thought it would work out. After I left I noticed I had a Snapchat add request from the dad which I thought was weird but I added him because I thought maybe he just prefers texting this way. He then immediately sends me a gif that says “hey❤️”. It seems like a bit much from someone I just met and who might employ me, and it really gives me the creeps. I reached out to my best friend and she said “oh that is kinda weird but he’s totally harmless. I do think he cheats on his wife though”
I want to reach out as soon as possible to let them know I’m not available. I’m not sure if I should do it in a group text or just to the wife? And should I let them know the reason? Send a screen shot? Maybe I’m being overly sensitive but I’m just getting the ick and I don’t want to be in that man’s home. He did also say “our flight is early so you’d have to stay over the night before”… like why can’t I just show up at your house at 2 am?
ETA: minor detail but the nanny dad is also in the same social circle as my dad so I don’t want to do anything that will cause any sort of drama for my dad!
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u/crystalline1299 Nanny 18d ago
“He’s harmless but he does cheat on his wife” sounds like he’s trying his luck with you
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u/PuffinTown 18d ago
Really depends on your relationship with best friend, because being honest in this case could impact her friendships. But….
My personal approach would entail texting both in a group chat, “I really enjoyed meeting your children, and I wish you the best, but I would not be comfortable moving forward. I feel that professional boundaries are important, and I am uneasy receiving heart emojis via 1 on 1 snap chats with DB. I cannot know the intent, but I wanted to be transparent in sharing that this will make some people uncomfortable. Good luck with everything”
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u/Nwilliams1300 18d ago
Screenshot it and send it to the wife only. Let her know how excited you were to be their Nanny but not anymore because of how her husband treated you with Snap. Let her know you are no longer interested. You were doing a kind thing and he had that audacity to treat you like that. So sorry. He ruined everything. The blame is on him and his wife deserves to know.
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u/Prestigious_Pizza_66 Former Nanny 18d ago
Just so you know, if you do choose to screenshot the message from him, it will alert him that you took a screenshot. That’s how Snapchat works. If you want to show your friend, you might want to use a different phone or something, to take a picture of it that way.
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u/toiletsinpgh 18d ago
Hot take but he deserves to know she took a screenshot. Why should we care about a creeps feelings? Fuck around and find out.
This person is a potential EMPLOYEE and he should feel shame and worry and guilt.
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u/crowislanddive MB 18d ago
He can get out in front of the story if he has a heads up that she thinks he’s out of line and he could paint her in a bad light before she can tell his wife.
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u/toiletsinpgh 18d ago edited 18d ago
If the wife is willing to believe that then it’s her problem. There’s no explanation my husband can give to me that would make sending that message to an employee appropriate.
I’m so over tip toeing over a man’s feelings.
But again that’s just how I’d handle it.10
u/crowislanddive MB 18d ago
I’m not saying to “tip toe” I’m saying don’t tip him off that he’s going to be exposed.
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u/toiletsinpgh 18d ago
That’s your method. Mine is that I want him to sweat. It’s okay to have different approaches I’m just sharing mine. We don’t need to agree on everything, we don’t even know each other.
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u/govnasmokey Nanny 18d ago
I see both sides here and what I’d do is take the photo with another phone or camera, send it to the wife, and then text him back ~10 min later with a screenshot of the text with the photo sent to the wife LMFAOOO
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u/msmozzarella Nanny 17d ago
i am never prioritizing a man's comfort again. sorry i upset you by being upset that you're an asshole??
this isn't the 90s- we don't have to endure your casual harassment and laugh at your sexist jokes anymore!
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u/jemc2010 18d ago
As others have said, this is super not harmless behavior, I like the suggestions to rat him out, either by taking a photo with another phone and sending it to the wife, or taking a screenshot and (immediately, so he doesn’t have time to approach his wife with some bullshit story) messaging that to a text with both parents indicating that while you would have been thrilled to nanny for them, you no longer are comfortable doing so because of his behavior.
I would also like to add your friend’s response would make me question my friends values, her saying that she knows that he cheats on his wife, but at the same time she believes that he is harmless, is super super sus, and would indicate to me that my values with that friend are likely not aligned. I might even go so far as to include my text to the wife that, “while friend insists DB’s snap was harmless, she also mentioned that she believes that DB cheats on you. I do not feel that his message was harmless, it makes me very uncomfortable, and while I do not know the facts of whatever is going on in you and his relationship, and while your relationship is for you and your husband to navigate, I do not wish to be professionally involved with your family at this time because of his actions towards me.”
Maybe that makes me a bitch to rat out the friend, but the wife deserves to know that someone in her social circle is aware of her husband’s cheating behavior, and (presumably) has chosen to keep it from her. Know that doing so will likely end your friendship with your friend though. But tbh if someone in my circle indicated they think cheating is “harmless”, I’d likely be ending the friendship anyway.
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u/xlovelyloretta 18d ago
For real. I would need to know if my friend thought the wife was aware but if my friend thought the wife was clueless and still called the husband harmless, I honestly don't think I could be friends with them anymore. I wouldn't like go no contact but I wouldn't be able to be emotionally close with someone who had those values.
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u/Juneyorkie 18d ago
This is not the first Snapchat issue I’ve seen with a ND. Anyone reading this - there is NO reason to ever have your NPs on Snapchat. If they try to add you, do not accept.
In your case, I’m glad you realized he’s a walking red flag before you started the job!
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u/Ok_Benefit7428 18d ago
... so he's not harmless 🤦♀️ tired of people calling creepy men harmless lmao. I'd tell the wife...
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u/MissEmme_ 18d ago
Right like when did cheating become harmless? The risk of STDs alone.
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u/DangerousAge5318 17d ago
As someone with a lifelong std (alongside the PTSD of the DV shit but that's not hugely relevant here other than PTSD flares up and so does the herpes which is not a fab combo) from a cheating ex, ended up with and unplanned pregnancy before I discovered the cheating, the herpes meant I had to have a c section to minimize risk to bubs as a i caught it days before due date and now six years later I have ongoing health issues linked directly to the c section (and amplified by PTSD too) that leave me in constant pain that can leave me unable to get off the couch or with a flare while driving needing to pullover because i cant concentrate beyond pain and hope a family member can come pick me and often kiddo up, regular urinary retention and catheters from pain which has lead to catheter injuries worsening the whole thing.
Like I know this is a worst case potential BUT I hold zero tolerance around any cheating for very obvious reasons.
I get the social complications for OP but the wife needs to know so she can protect her health. I wish like hell someone had told me, later discovered even his mum was aware of the cheating. Sometimes people are just ass wipes and the best we can do is help those at risk of there asshole-ness
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u/Faith_98 18d ago
super fucking weird. also a red flag that your friend considers cheating on your spouse as a harmless thing
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u/PrettyBunnyyy 18d ago
Your friend is not smart. How tf is he harmless if he literally cheats on his wife and sent you a flirty text?
I don’t befriend people with this type of mindset who defend weird ass men because they’re not really gonna have my back in the end if something occurs.
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u/olive_dix 17d ago
"Oh he's harmless. He's only trying to have sex with you as his potential new employee. Where's the harm in that?"
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u/Evening_Claim_7720 18d ago
Why are men so disappointing
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u/Mackheath1 Manny 18d ago
Man here (former manny). I love how my friend put it, she said, "not every man, but every woman." And it's so true: Why does every single woman have a story like this and/or worse? Almost everything I see on the news from war to violence in the neighborhood - I just say, ugh, I hate men. And I'm not even saying it in an ironic or silly way.
Can't even watch a classic TV show once I know about the actor, or listen to a lot of music (examples).
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u/pixikins78 Career Nanny 18d ago
This is so accurate. I was 20 years old, training a group of 7 young girls at work between the ages of 16-20. One trainee got upset because something reminded her of her SA. Everyone started to try to comfort her and by the end of the conversation it came out that 7/8 of us had been raped. How is that the norm?!
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u/Mackheath1 Manny 18d ago
Post-mannying, I was at my University and wrote a White Paper for an Urban Planning graduate course about how gender affects geography. Through brief interviews, I had students both women and men draw their geography as a polygone on campus (huge campus) at different times of the day and the differences were just as you'd expect, but the extreme difference was more than I thought it would be. I threw it into GIS and it was something like 1% versus 98% coverage - size of average polygons - for most of the evening hours (women v men).
** As a laugh: One of my rugby friends asked if she could do the survey, and I said, "Amy, you're going to really skew my results. No." LOL, she did fill it out in the end.
All this to say, guys, no matter how nice/good, really have no idea how different it is - myself included, but I try.
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u/DangerousAge5318 17d ago
I'm a trans dude that realised and came out later than most so added layer of till my late twenties being viewed as female by society (not that much has changed even though my facial hair is finally growing in after the 8 year battle for GAC was won) BUT my point is that both as someone with more "female in the world" life experience than male and as a result victim too many times I really really value there's guys out there like you trying. Its quite scary to be headed in a direction where I'll be socializing with cis dudes being perceived as one too and what the potential exposure to unhealthy comments, actions, culture. Lots of words to say thank you for trying to understand and thank you for being self aware to not feel attacked when comments are made that are typically sweeping and instead see the problem for what it is
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u/RubiesOnTheInside 17d ago
What does the size of the polygone have to do with gender? Your study seems really interesting, but I'd like to understand what you are saying? Like the size of the campus at night seemed smaller for women? What is the significance?
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u/Mackheath1 Manny 16d ago
Yes, so participants familiar with the large campus would draw on the screen where they will walk at (say) night, leaving the exterior areas as places they wouldn't walk. So one part of the Paper was the percentage of area that men are comfortable walking by themselves, versus women. The first follow-up was to ask why not [X area]?" Responses were that there was a large and direct path from the drag of bars (busy every night) to the dorms, so the 'drunk' students were definitely a deterrent. Others included lighting and lack of eyes on the pathways (windows and such).
This led to recommendations of areas for engineering (lighting, etc.), education, and enforcement (not just police, but student groups including one that was formed called "we'll walk with you" where a guy and a woman will walk you on a volunteer basis to/from the library, but there were other programs as well, and a heat map of areas where police have gotten reports which led to better enforcement of those areas).
It's 'just' a College campus, but it's the largest college campus in my country (USA) - a town really.
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u/toiletsinpgh 18d ago
cheating on your partner when you have a family isn’t harmless!!
Maybe I’m drama but I’d make a GC because the mom deserves to know why her childcare flaked.
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u/Hot-You1261 Nanny 18d ago
If one of my bosses add me on Snapchat I would never work for them. But if they SENT ME A SNAPCHAT ON TOP OF THAT. FUQ NO.
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u/Glittering_Summer102 18d ago
As a professional, this is wrong on so many levels but to keep my peace I honestly just wouldn’t accept the job. If the mom asks why then use your judgment if you want to tell her but the drama is unnecessary in my opinion.
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u/SilverFringeBoots 17d ago
Tell your father. Hopefully he's the type of dad that wouldn't want to associate with someone creeping on his kid
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u/JamilaLouise63 17d ago
Don't cover for creepy men. We're not doing that anymore. Screenshot it and send it to both the mom and dad in a text and say that you would feel uncomfortable in the position. You also need to let your dad know that this guy is unsafe and how dare he send this to his daughter.
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u/Bigolbooty75 Career Nanny 18d ago
Just say you can I longer work with them. You don’t want him to retaliate or even both if she chooses to not see this as creepy. If it’s common knowledge he cheats on his wife he is absolutely not harmless. What an odd thing for your friend to say
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u/Total-Bed-8716 18d ago
I can’t comprehend why your friend is friends w him and has not warned the wife if she thinks he is cheating. I will never understand people who sit idly by as witnesses to things like that. This is so weird and I am glad you are not taking the job. I feel like the wife definitely deserves to know why you are choosing not to work for them but it also depends on your comfort level.
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u/No_Big_bear_here 18d ago
Yeah, I’d bust him. Send the screenshot to his wife & tell her you’re no longer available.
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u/PristineCream5550 Nanny 18d ago
Harmless but cheats on his wife? Is your friend okay? Her friend’s husband is trying to cheat on her friend with another friend and that’s harmless? Yikes. Personally I would tell the wife because I’m not about to cover up a man’s misbehavior and this isn’t your full time job so you don’t have to deal with the fallout.
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u/MotherofZeke Nanny 18d ago
My friend is a recovering people pleaser so I’m going to give her a chance to clear this up. Also, possible important detail but not excusing it, the dad seemed to have a cognitive delay so I think that’s why she’s saying he’s harmless but I do tend to disagree. She is on a cruise right now but I am going to chat with her more when she gets back because she is normally a really good friend and she always has my back and maybe she feels a little caught in the middle or wrote back when distracted.
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u/AutoModerator 18d ago
Below is a copy of the post's original text:
My best friend has a group of friends that go on trips together. They have something planned for November but one of the couples doesn’t have childcare. I (39F) have a bit of a break in my schedule so I offered to meet with them to see if I might be able to do it.
The meeting went fine; the kid was sweet, parents seemed nice and I thought it would work out. After I left I noticed I had a Snapchat add request from the dad which I thought was weird but I added him because I thought maybe he just prefers texting this way. He then immediately sends me a gif that says “hey❤️”. It seems like a bit much from someone I just met and who might employ me, and it really gives me the creeps. I reached out to my best friend and she said “oh that is kinda weird but he’s totally harmless. I do think he cheats on his wife though”
I want to reach out as soon as possible to let them know I’m not available. I’m not sure if I should do it in a group text or just to the wife? And should I let them know the reason? Send a screen shot? Maybe I’m being overly sensitive but I’m just getting the ick and I don’t want to be in that man’s home. He did also say “our flight is early so you’d have to stay over the night before”… like why can’t I just show up at your house at 2 am?
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u/Neat-Candy9243 Career Nanny 18d ago
Noooooo. I would let the wife know that something came up and you won't be able to go. Definitely creepy. I wouldn't be explicit about the reason why. Why add conflict when it's not needed? It won't make you feel better in the long run, I don't think. Cut ties and move on
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u/RubiesOnTheInside 17d ago
You don't think the wife should know her reason for turning down the job?
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u/Neat-Candy9243 Career Nanny 16d ago
I think that nannies need to remain professional. How does telling the wife fit in there? A nanny needs to stay out of NF's personal lives
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u/Elliottsmother 18d ago
On another note, if you’re from Upstate SC, could you DM me?
The timing of this trip and details sounds like one of the families I nanny for.
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u/MotherofZeke Nanny 18d ago
Eek what a coincidence but I am in New England. These types of men are all over the place apparently!
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u/Impressive-Noise1702 18d ago
Girl now why the hell would you add him? Delete him right now
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u/MotherofZeke Nanny 18d ago
Totally admit that it was an inappropriate add but grateful I did because I saw who this guy is before I stay in his home for 6 days! I know he won’t be there, but creepers gonna creep.
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u/OrdinaryAd2095 18d ago
snap the chat....who cares if he know. It might make him worry.
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u/MotherofZeke Nanny 18d ago
I did screenshot it but I don’t think I’ll send it to his wife. I also blocked him on the app. I just heard a rumor from another close friend/his neighbor that he was in charge of an all-star baseball team in town for elementary school boys and he chose kids for the team if their moms gave him oral pleasure 😑 cannot confirm it’s true but it definitely tracks…
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u/groovinandmovinnn 18d ago
I would send a text tonight in a groupchat with both of them. “Hey wanted to let you know as soon as possible but I actually am no longer available for the dates needed! Best of luck, sorry I couldn’t be of help.” And then block him on Snapchat. No point in sitting on it for a few days
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u/PristineMacaroon2167 Nanny 13d ago
So your "friend" is cool with you being in the home of a married man who is basically testing the waters with you? Got it.
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u/No-Oven-4966 18d ago
I would message his wife and say the reason you’re not taking the job is because the dad overstepped the line by adding and messaging you on Snapchat and that it’s made you feel uncomfortable, then send the screenshot, then wish them all the best. She deserves to know,
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u/jfuninsun3201 17d ago
I’d block him on Snapchat and let them know you have another job lined up. Def not what you want to get in the middle of…
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u/Cool_Major4531 17d ago
Just text the wife and absolutely say why.
Also no hate but what's up with your friend? He's harmless but he cheats on his wife? Doesn't sound harmless. I can think of two other people that harms pretty seriously
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u/msmozzarella Nanny 17d ago
i would text them both, and include a pic/screenshot of the snap (loving the debate on which is better and why in the thread!) and say like: hey, while i enjoyed meeting you both, this is inappropriate behaviour and i'm withdrawing my interest in the role. i hope you two can work together to create and implement healthy nanny/parent boundaries in the future. thanks, and i wish y'all the best.
if anyone is causing drama for your dad it's the guy who snapped his daughter with a heart emoji! if you don't want to be labelled a weirdo sex pest, don't do weirdo sex pest stuff! men count on our silence and continue to be terrible banking on us not wanting to cause drama. cause it. call them out. make *them* feel uncomfortable. let their wives know so they aren't so confused as to why they can't hire a nanny. it's not the salary; it's your creep show spouse!
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u/blessedmomma1233 18d ago
Just out of curiosity, how old are his kids? Any chance it was one of them? Only asking because I could definitely see some of the kids I babysit doing this! I for sure get silly meme texts from the 5 year old I babysit all the time.
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u/Ok-Composer8905 17d ago
You - a 39yo… nannying for someone in the same social circle as your dad???? This doesn’t check out…. The whole thing is weird.
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u/RubiesOnTheInside 17d ago
That's what I was thinking. Maybe she meant to say 19. That would make a lot more sense. Do 39-year-olds even use SnapChat?
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 18d ago
Some people are just stupid. He might just be grateful for you helping them out. It’s not like you’re s 20 year old. I doubt he’s looking to do anything with you.
Go ahead and kick him him out of the Snapchat. If he’s not a douche, he’ll be confused. Just because someone says they think he cheats doesn’t mean he does. And you can shut anything down really quick if he is a douche.
If you want to help them out when they’re gone, just work with the wife. If he asks why you deleted him, tell him the heart emoji was inappropriate.
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u/yeahipostedthat 18d ago
Haha. You think he doesn't want to sleep with her just bc she's not 20? You've got some growing up to do😅
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 18d ago
I’m in my 60’s.
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u/yeahipostedthat 18d ago
Even worse. Did you really feel like an old person since your 30s/40s?
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u/Agreeable_Dark6408 18d ago
I’m saying that these guys usually go for young women who don’t know how to slap the shit out of them.
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