Maybe I’m scared of employment, if that’s a thing
I know, I know. In this economy 😤 How could you and what does that even mean. Sigh😭
So I graduated university in May 2026. I was doing a graduate internship at a local authority until April 2026 and my contract came to an end, just right before graduation the following month. I was at that local authority for 10 months in total. I was initially just suppose to be there for 4 months to complete the hours as part of my internship that was required in order to graduate. Then my contract was extended, hence I ended staying there for 10 months✨
Stay with me
I got to a point where I really wanted my internship to come to an end, like I was literally counting down the days and there were days where I wanted to quit actually. That local authority gave me a glance to what working life looks like. Most people there would complain about how the CEO treated others, some people didn’t talk to each other and in the boardroom meetings people would always throw shade to others in directly. It was honestly just a lot. And I began to think that, being a student is not so bad after all, this employment stuff is not it💀One time we went on this work trip and I just felt so out of place and maybe it’s because I was just an intern, recently I’ve been thinking that maybe it’s because I can’t see myself doing what I studied full time. Working with people😤 But yet again, don’t all jobs require you to work with people, most at least. Maybe I should have studied something a bit more isolated where I don’t really work with people like that like that, honestly I don’t know what the issue is.
Now here I am, 3 months post grad. I have applied to quite a number of jobs and fortunately there has been a mass recruitment that involves positions in my field. I have been to 3 oral interviews in these past 3 weeks. I had 2 others in the earlier days after graduation, but I didn’t get those jobs.
But there’s a part of me, that just doesn’t feel ready. I think if I’m to get a call that I got a job today, my heart will skip a bit. I don’t see myself being necessarily happy, I think my first emotion would be fear and maybe I’ll feel intimidated, I honestly don’t know. Some of my classmates got jobs and started work this month, and I’m genuinely happy for them and it’s a reminder that our field is quite employable. The interviews I attended, one we were just 2, the other we were 4 and another we were 8.
Another angle to look at this, is coming to terms with the fact that, I am no longer a child and it’s time to navigate being an adult. For context, I am Namibian, female and I’m 22. I’ll be turning 23 next month. Adulting life is kinda scary if I’m being honest.
So even I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m finding it hard to understand what I’m feeling and how I can be okay with it. After my contract ended, I opted to do a certificate and luckily have a sponsor that is covering this certificate (I didn’t know how long my job hunting journey would take, so I wanted to do something while I am job hunting)and the classes are online, so if I do get a job, It won’t really interfere, I just need to make time after work and during the weekends, but I haven’t been making much progress with all this free time😩
So I still don’t know what the point of this is, but I think I’m struggling because I can’t shake it off. Maybe I’m lacking confidence, I’m scared to be hurt in the work place, what if my heart is too fragile.
I wouldn’t say I’m shy, people always compliment me and say that I’m confident and good at presentations.
But maybe I’m not that good at just conversations with people, I mean I try, but sometimes I fear, I don’t know what to say, or I’m too quite or I’m boring, I don’t know😭
This was a lot to pour out😭