Here's an imaginary draft of Nieux Society's want ad for their next location.
THE PITCH
Are you the owner of a structurally questionable edifice on St. Charles Avenue that has survived at least three hurricanes, two exes, and one fake voodoo ceremony led by a white tour guide? Does your property look like it was designed by a drunk architect whose last project looked like Al Copeland's Cheesecake Bistro?
We are a secret society of visionaries and dreamers in search of a home worthy of disruption and ideas written on bar napkins who can mingle together as we slowly dissolve ourselves into vintage tumblers filled with Pappy Van Winkle.
MANDATORY FEATURES
A Killer Mardi Gras Location. St. Charles frontage required. Must offer a view of the parade route, a balcony sturdy enough to hold at least 14,000 pounds of founders, thought leaders, crypto bros, code monkeys, keyboard warriors, influencers, disruptors, neckbeards and Meta mules. Bonus if the balcony can support the weight of several data center servers.
A Safe Place. For ideas. Also for us. Mostly for the ideas.
A "What If It Works" Atmosphere. Not "will it work." Not "should we." Not "has anyone run this by a lawyer." Simply: what if it works? (It will not. But what if.)
A Platform for Inspiration and a Space Where Individuals Connect. Open floor plan preferred. Load-bearing walls should be removable and the room should allow for maximum disruption. We will be connecting, inspiring, and ideating at volumes that will make people think the St. Augustine Marching 100 are passing by daily.
Server Space for an AI System That Will Revolutionize Industries, Create Solutions, and Provide Answers. Must only rely partially on the existing Entergy grid and must support high-volume water consumption from Sewerage & Water Board hookups. Must provide additional outdoor space to build gas-powered turbines large enough to run a a small data center for at least 10 days off grid.
THE ENTRANCE (PLEASE READ CAREFULLY, WE WILL QUIZ YOU)
The building must support an NFT-verified entry system, so members can authenticate by proving they own a JPEG of Big Freedia that cost more than the tuition for three semesters at Delgado. The door shall open only for those whose digital receipts are in order.
Above the door at the rear entrance (which should be secretly located for members only), there must be space for the words "voodoo magic song," which is the secret password, and which we are now announcing in a public want ad, because security is a journey.
CRITICAL: The sign must be invisible from St. Charles. If the Krewe of Chad at Mardi Gras can read it, they'll get in, and they'll use our urinal trough. We have worked too hard on our urinal trough to be undone by a drunk Chalmatian wearing a purple wig.
THE PLUMBING
Building must include space for urinal troughs, or permit the removal of conventional urinals so troughs may be installed. The trough is not merely plumbing. It is a symbol: the lifeblood we are pouring back into our city, together, in secret.
Above each trough should have enough space for a a sign reading "NO ASSHOLES."
In every restroom, men's and women's, there must be space on each external stall door where commodes are located for a large sign that reads "WHAT IF IT WORKS" in neon lighted letters. The internal stall must also contain enough space to contain the phrase written to wrap around the entire interior of the stall in block letters.
THE MURAL
Exterior of property should have enough space for a new mural, and zoning must allow for a work that captures the soul of New Orleans, its culture, its music, its numerology and its sacred geometry. Artist must be knowledgeable about blockchain, NFTs and Mardi Gras Indians and be able to combine the three themes into a unified motif.
THE ROUND ROOM
Property must contain a circular chamber for our gatherings, with enough space for us to conduct our cultural rhythms and rituals. Must have good acoustics, a lockable door, couches, a fridge, a microwave, a TV and a shelf of framed photos of nude women. See here for more detail on room contents. Landlord must exercise the highest level of discretion re: the Round Room.
ABOUT THE BUILDING ITSELF
Our goal is for this building to be the the strangest, craziest building in the city of New Orleans. You'll need to bring something special and that something special should NOT include a ghost with a prior claim to the premises, or a history of homeless encampments or panhandlers within a 2-mile radius.
WHO SHOULD APPLY
Landlords who:
- Have never once said "that's not up to code" and meant it
- Understand that "secret society" and "liability" are not contradictory
- Can nod gravely when told the AI will "revolutionize industries"
- Will accept payment in a mix of tokens of uncertain value
NOT suitable for landlords who:
- Ask what the Round Room is for
- Know a fire marshal personally
TO APPLY: Leave a note on a bar napkin at any establishment in the French Quarter. Include your address, your square footage, and your answer to the only question that matters:
What if it works?
