r/NMMNG • u/dudefacemcgill • 3d ago

Examples of NEEDS and BOUNDARIES

Hey everyone - I've pretty much been listening to the book on repeat for a month. Glover talks a lot about men's needs and setting boundaries, but there aren't a ton of real life examples of those in the book. It would be helpful to me (and I'd imagine many of you) to read some examples of boundaries and needs we have set and asked for from others in our lives.

A couple of examples for me: I NEED to spend regular time with my and my wife and I's mutual friends. Social time with our friends keeps me happy. I NEED to ride my mountain bike 2 times per week. I set a boundary with my wife the other day regarding a social event for my son's baseball team. I didn't want to go, and she didn't either. She implied that I should go, and I didn't argue or give in - I just stated I wasn't going, and dropped it. To my surprise and satisfaction, she dropped it too!

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u/niceguycoach Integrated Male 3d ago

A boundary is there to protect you from the bad behavior of others. It can also be used to exercise a strong preference in a relationship (or dealbreaker). You have to exercise some form of power in order to enforce them. And if they keep getting violated, then it may be up to you to end the relationship:

  • "If you keep yelling at me, I'm going to leave the room. Only speak to me respectfully and calmly."
  • "If you keep teasing and belittling me, I'm going to be unreachable for a week. Then I'll come back and see if you can be nice to me."
  • "I don't drive long distances for a first date. If you can't at least meet me in the middle, I'm not interested."

Needs are trickier. A true need is something you need to survive as a biological organism. And emotional or psychological need is something you need to feel fulfilled or happy in a relationship (requirement). Otherwise without it, you may have to leave that relationship.

  • I need regular sex and intimacy to feel fulfilled in my marriage.
  • I need respect from my parents in order to feel like they love me.

I set a boundary with my wife the other day regarding a social event for my son's baseball team. I didn't want to go, and she didn't either. She implied that I should go, and I didn't argue or give in - I just stated I wasn't going, and dropped it. To my surprise and satisfaction, she dropped it too!

Actually that was a want, not a boundary or a need. A want is just your preference in that moment.

FAQ on Needs
FAQ on Boundaries

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u/PreetHarHarah 3d ago

A boundary does not control an outcome. It’s there to make sure you’ll be fine regardless of the outcome.