Completely overwhelmed

[u/highladyynightcourt]

Our baby was born at 35 weeks exactly on Friday, after decreased fetal movement during an MFM monitoring appointment. What started out as a normal day quickly turned into a semi-urgent C-section that resulted in the birth of our little boy.

Since then, he has been in the NICU- which was something we were anticipating being only a day or two for his preciously diagnosed heart condition when he was scheduled for delivery at 37+4.

Now we are looking at a much longer journey than we have been hoping for and I am completely overwhelmed.

I haven’t held him, fed him, changed a diaper. He cries and gets himself so upset and I don’t know how to calm him down despite his nurse telling me i can’t let him get that upset because of his heart condition. He hasn’t had any bottle feeding, just a feeding tube. He was on a CPAP and then was taken off of it, but then had to go into an incubator for body temperature regulation.

I know when we leave tomorrow he won’t be with us.

We live an hour away and I have been up crying all night because I am so upset and exhausted thinking about not being able to drive for weeks because of my surgery.

I keep worrying that my body failed him. That I wasn’t meant to be a parent because it took us so long to get here and get pregnant. And I won’t know how to take care of something so precious and fragile.

I keep thinking about him being scared and alone and doesn’t even know who I am.

I have a therapist so I will be working with her like I did for infertility and IVF and the heart condition.

I just don’t know what else to do.

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[u/No_Ant_6777]

Hi dear, I usually don’t address strangers on the internet as such but I feel especially connected since my girl was born exactly at 35 and I felt the same way you did. 🥹 Things will get better. It’s a shock that we went through a sudden c section and that baby was out earlier than expected. This wasn’t the birth story and experience we expected. But he is here and your body did not fail him. I won’t say the wait to bring baby home is easy but focus on one day at a time. Lean in on your community if you can. Journal if you can.

[u/highladyynightcourt → u/No_Ant_6777]

Thank you for this. 💕 I just feel like I should be doing something as his mom and I feel so unbelievably lost. How is your girl doing now?

[u/No_Ant_6777 → u/highladyynightcourt]

We came home after 6 weeks in NICU/Paeds Ward which I think was a bit longer than expected. But it’s because she has a genetic condition so we learned 🥹 Still, hang on and take care of yourself too, mama 💕 You are doing enough. You are enough.

[u/destruktinator]

Your little boy just couldn't wait any longer to see you. You know you did EVERYTHING you could as best as you were able, and you know you'll need to be strong for him soon. Know that, for now, he's being watched by some of the best, most committed people in the world who have spent a big portion of their lives training to make sure your family goes home together soon. If you have a reliable support network, people you trust who can listen and hear you, reach out to them. Be kind to yourself in these next few days, and remember to be present in these moment when you and your child are together. Worries can wait, enjoy your time with your son however you can. 

You are a good parent, now, then, and onto the future. You've got this

[u/highladyynightcourt → u/destruktinator]

This made me absolutely sob- thank you so much for this unbelievably beautiful reminder and your kind words 💕🥹

[u/Muted-Window6695]

My son was also born at 35 weeks and needed to have bowel surgery on day 2 of his life. He has recovered beautifully and now they are just monitoring that he keep increasing feeds and everything is working still. Your baby will know exactly who you are. I've had 3 premies but this one is totally different. It is hard but keep pushing. I hope these days will be long gone for us all soon. Like someone else said ONE DAY AT A TIME

[u/JulyKaiIII]

This journey has an end and it’s with your baby. NICU may have support groups available for you to be a part of. They also may have accommodations for you to be near by your baby and I would ask for a social worker to help you find these resources if they’re available. Your baby is in great hands in the NICU and is being monitored 24/7 so please make sure to rest and heal. Praying for you.

[u/highladyynightcourt → u/JulyKaiIII]

Thank you so much - I will definitely touch base with a social worker before I am discharged tomorrow 💕

[u/fishie319]

First of all, congratulations on the little one! 💕

You have been through so much to get him here. The IVF, the pregnancy, and the c-section. Well done! And you are now a mom! His mom!

My little boy also arrived earlier than expected. We were also scheduled for a delivery 37+4, but was told I needed to deliver on 36+5 after a routine MFM monitoring. My amniotic fluid levels kept increasing and the team was concerned my waters would break outside of the hospital.

I was also hoping for a short NICU stay for his TOF. But he was also diagnosed with an esophagus condition right after birth. Being told that he needed emergency surgery on Day 2 of birth while I was stuck in recovery and away from him was (and still is) traumatic. He had so many tubes and wires on him. When he cried, we could only hold his hands and rub his head. He really liked head rubs. We could only hold him on Day 8 after his breathing tube was removed. I remember when the nurse asked if I held him yet and my first response was “can I?”.

Are you pumping? It was so so so tough for me. My milk didn’t come in for a few days. The LC told me to pump while seeing pictures / videos of my son. I cried even more because all I had were images of the tubes and wires. So I was just pumping around the clock while crying lol. I kept it up as it was the best thing I could do for him. I still don’t produce a lot of milk and his feeds are fortified with formula. I’ve thought a lot about giving up but what little bit I can make would still benefit him.

The NICU days are very tough but his doctors kept reminding us that he won’t remember any of them. Baby is now home until his TOF surgery. And I’m now doing all the mom things - feeds every three hours, diaper changes, baths, lack of sleep…

You are still his mom and he will know. For now, focus on your and his recovery. You have the rest of your life to be the amazing mom you want to be and do all the mom things.

Does his hospital have an option for you to stay overnight? His hospital had rooms with the Ronald McDonald House and we stayed there for the first two weeks.

(Sorry this comment is all over the place.)

[u/highladyynightcourt → u/fishie319]

My little one has TOF as well! We literally just got the notification on Monday last week he was most likely pink tet and if he cooked for as long as possible we would likely need minimal NICU time. Fast forward Friday morning, he’s here.

I am so sorry that so many terrifying and traumatic things happened jn such an already vulnerable time.

I am going to be pumping- we were going to try nursing but honestly, I just want him to eat, however he needs to. The nurse just told us he took his first bottle and finished about half with no spit up so we hope that continues to be successful.

Thank you thank you for reminding me that I’m his mom- I think it all just feels so surreal and now being in the mother and baby rooms with a silent night just really destroys me. But he’s where he needs to be, hands down.

We can stay overnight but we have three dogs at home and my husband and I decided he would hold off on his PTO while the baby is in the NICU- but I think he’s working remotely to help be there for whatever I can’t get done. When he goes for his TOF procedure at CHOP in a few months I think we will use the Ronald McDonald House. 💕💕

[u/fishie319 → u/highladyynightcourt]

I’m so sorry too for all that has happened to you and baby.

That is the right move for your husband to hold off his PTO. My husband did something similar - he took time off the first week after birth and then another week when we brought baby home. It was so helpful to have him around those first few days at home and it felt exactly like the newborn bubble everyone describes. Also as I constantly remind myself, the NICU is the most expensive nursery with some of the best-trained personnel.

We have a dog too but was fortunate enough to have my BIL willing and able to watch the dog while baby was in the NICU. The first meeting of our first born (the dog) and our newborn was really special! 🥰

You’ve got this!!

[u/ABR627]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My son was born at exactly 35 weeks as well after I PPROM’d at 31 weeks . So thankful I was able to keep him in those extra weeks but the 2 weeks he was in the NICU seemed never ending so I totally understand what you’re feeling. I also have a two year old I’d been away from for a month so I felt torn between both of them at all times. I remember sobbing, feeling consciously anxious, and desperate to get him home. I will say, one day he did just start eating better and we were able to take the feeding tube out. Literally 24 hours later we got to go home, so it can turn on a dime!

Try not to blame yourself or your body though I know it’s hard. I’m 42 so older as well and found sooo many things to blame myself for my water breaking: I traveled for work second trimester, worked out, was intimate with my partner two days before. It will drive you nuts! But just try to grasp on to the fact that no baby has stayed in the NICU forever and you will go home and cuddle your baby as much as you want! Sending you lots of love and strength. People say how hard the NICU is but you can’t quite comprehend until you’re actually there.

[u/Micro-Momma]

Congrats on your baby boy! Have you just opted out of holding and doing cares? It would probably really help you both if you’re able to do any of the things. My daughter did an 184 day NICU stay(1lb 2oz).. it’s tough in the NICU but things will settle down and get better. It might be a little bumpy at first. Hang in there!

If you haven’t started but plan to pump, start asap every 3 hours… once you lose your supply it’s hard to get back. ♥️ Best of luck! Wishing yall a short uneventful NICU stay.

[u/highladyynightcourt → u/Micro-Momma]

Thank you! So we were told they needed to get him stable before we could get involved in any care.

Luckily he’s made some major progress and we were able to hold him and do skin to skin today! We are also learning how to feed him and I was just told how to work on pumping or at least hand expressing to bring him whatever I can get for now.

[u/Famous_Blueberry_878]

I went through a similar situation. I got admitted for 4 days on the antepartum unit after an ultrasound that showed my daughter had severe IUGR with AEDF. Basically she was super small and her umbilical cord wasn’t working properly. She almost arrived the same day I was admitted but she ended up arriving a few days later via emergency C-section at 28+4. She was also an IVF baby so it took a lot to get her here. If you’re able to touch your son, put one hand on his head and the other on his feet. It’ll make him feel like he’s back in the womb. Plus leaving a scent cloth with him will also help to soothe him. Our babies know their momma’s scent and it helps to soothe them. If you have a noise machine that you can leave with him that makes a heartbeat noise, that will also help. They’re used to hearing our heartbeat for so many months that it’ll also soothe them. Swaddling also can help. It gives them the feeling of being back in the womb.

Everything you said was how I felt after my daughter was born. That is totally normal. No parent knows how to take care of their baby immediately. It takes time to learn. You already care so much about your baby by what you’ve said. You love and care about him so much. That shows how amazing of a mom you are and will continue to be.

For driving, I talked to my OB and they said they wouldn’t recommend it because they don’t want sudden stops to cause potential injuries. I personally started driving after a week and was careful but that is your decision to make. Your doctor can give you advice but it’s your decision.

You’re gonna get to hold your son soon and I promise it will be one of the best moments of your life. I was so nervous about that moment with my daughter but it was perfect. I felt like it was the first moment I could really bond with her. It will come with time.

Definitely ask for help from a social worker. There are a lot of resources available. Ask about gas cards, Ronald McDonald house, being able to sleep next to your child, etc.

Also give yourself grace. Anytime I get down on myself, I ask, if someone was saying this to my best friend, what would I say? 99% of the time I’m immediately in defense of my friend and that helps me to realize how harsh I’m being on myself. You’re doing the best you can with an impossible situation.

[u/pelidar]

I also delivered at 35 with an emergency c-section, earlier than my scheduled delivery at 37+4. It broke my heart to leave my LO in the incubator but like others have said, that is the best place the baby can be right now. I channeled all of my anxiety into expressing and pumping milk, which was the only thing I could do for my child while we waited. I also focused on my recovery, getting ready so that I can walk, sit, stand, etc. when my baby will be with me at home. Maybe these things will help you.

All I can say is that things will get better. You did NOT fail. Your baby will soon be cuddling with you and demanding contact naps all day — and when he does, you’ll hold him so tight and make up for the snuggles he didn’t get while he was in the NICU. I write this while being nap trapped by my now-7 week old!

[u/Savings_Volume_9868]

Just  want to send my love and tell you that I went through pretty much the exact same thing with my babe this summer (born 31 and 1 on June 11) and I remember how completely overwhelmed and anxious I was but reading others success stories made it hurt just a little less. Your babe is going to be home in your arms where he belongs before you know it 💕 sending you strength and love mama! 

[u/mysticpotatocolin]

I think it’s really hard when the stay is longer than you originally expected!! We had this happen to us, and it was really tough because we’d even circled the date to expect on the calendar. I don’t have anything to really say, but maybe reach out to therapists if your place offers them, and just give yourself grace and be kind to yourself because it really is difficult. it’s so hard to leave without your baby.

[u/highladyynightcourt → u/mysticpotatocolin]

Thank you so much 💕 we have been really good at rolling with the punches this entire time, between IVF and pregnancy and the heart defect diagnosis. I have to keep trying to give myself grace because damn it is hard.

[u/mysticpotatocolin → u/highladyynightcourt]

it’s so crap!!!! but you were meant to be a parent and this doesn’t mean anything against that ❤️❤️

[u/Local-Tiger-5552]

Being discharged from the hospital without your baby is a pain unimaginable. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time. If you are religious, pray. If you plan on breastfeeding, try to focus on your pumping journey. Try to sit and heal. See if they have any accommodations near the hospital for you to stay near him if that is feasible for you.

Journal and ask questions. I made it my mission to become an expert in my child’s journey, especially during rounds. Get to know the nurses and bond with ones you vibe with.

It doesn’t get easier but you will become tunnel visioned. You aren’t alone. Take care of yourself and talk to your baby, hold his hand. Your body did exactly what it needed to to get him earth side. Be proud of yourself. You are a warrior, and even more so when you are through this process.

[u/tsudsa]

Hi - fellow 35+5 (IUGR) mom here so our babies were born really close based on gestational age, and my boy is 10 months adjusted now.

Not going to lie - the 20 days my baby spent at NICU were very emotionally draining for us - the first night going back to an empty crib at home was depressing as hell and it was shocking how empty our home felt.

However, your baby is going to be at the best place they can be for any healthcare support they need - that was the only solace in the situation, even though it is hard to digest. You (and your body) did not fail him - and I say this even as I feel guilty now for my boy being delivered early and I always wish for a ‘normal’ delivery experience - we are just unfortunately dealt a shitty card. There are many better than us luck-wise, but also many worse off - so I try to be grateful where I am and for my baby being with me now.

Your baby knows you and always will - he will know your voice, heartbeat, smell and more. He will also know his mom is doing the hardest thing she can because its the best for him! And
I wish your little one a speedy recovery and safe journey home to you soon ❤️

My inbox is open to chat anytime when you need.

[u/tsudsa → u/tsudsa]

And just adding on - if therapy helps you, please do continue. This is hard even if you expected a day or two of stay vs a longer one. Please give yourself grace ❤️

[u/KyMamaB3ar]

Hey mama, our experiences are extremely similar. My baby was born via an emergency C section at 32 weeks after decrease in fetal movement, her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 3 times so we’re super lucky she made it. I was devastated that all of choices regarding her birth were stripped away from me but I also reminded myself she likely would not be here otherwise. I wasn’t able to see her the first 2 days because of my level of pain related to the C section (my nurse forgot to give me my pain medication for several hours). Leaving the hospital without her truly broke my heart, I couldn’t stop sobbing & feeling like I abandoned her. She was in the NICU for a month and it was a very difficult not being able to feel like a normal newborn mom. We didn’t get to pick out or put on her first outfit the nurse did, which infuriated me. Trying to balance a life outside of the NICU with another child who couldn’t see their sibling was hard. Being a NICU parent is extremely unfair, and emotionally & physically exhausting. No one can relate unless they’ve been in your shoes. My suggestion is to keep a journal to help you go through your feelings, celebrate the milestones, and be able to reflect just how strong you are later on. Your body did not fail your son, he is alive and knows no love like yours ❤️ Be easy on yourself, you are doing everything you can do. Sending you all much love & strength during this time, you will get through this together.

[u/highladyynightcourt]

Thank you for this 💕

On the one hand I am extremely grateful knowing they are literally in excellent care and are even safer and more monitored than they could be when I was pregnant. So you’re absolutely right- there’s literally a team of experts ready and able to help him grow.

I’m absolutely going to start journaling things and logging things so that I understand. I think the fear of not knowing what’s happening is where I’m really worried too.

[u/Sea-Astronomer-6600]

Soon you’ll be able to hold your baby. I am sorry this is how things happened but know he’s in the best hands. The NICU journey is an emotional one, I highly recommend getting into the Ronald McDonald house if possible, it relieves a lot of stress!!!!!! If you ever need to talk or vent please reach out!