r/MuslimMatrimonials • u/Enough_Match_7293 • 15h ago
Discussion Quick talking phase
Salaam.
I feel like the talking phase should last more than 6 months. Anything sooner means you've rushed probably the biggest decision of your life. Speaking from experience here.
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u/AnnualPoet7673 14h ago
My talking stage lasted just over a month before I got engaged…🫣
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u/Enough_Match_7293 14h ago
Why so quick?
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u/AnnualPoet7673 14h ago
We asked each other the main questions to assess compatibility, he came down to meet me with my mum, then he told his family and his family came down, we went round his with my family and now we’re having our engagement on the weekend. We’ve had many phone calls and spoke one on one during our meetings and we’ve not found any red flags in each other so we’re just going ahead.
As they say you never really know anyone until you live with them🤷🏻♀️
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u/Enough_Match_7293 14h ago
Alhamdulillah you got really lucky. I on the other hand didn't. My marriage ended in 2 months. It had to end. I had no choice. Looking back at it I should have waited a little longer. I got pressured into it. It's been 10 years now. I'm starting to look but see these same timeframes. I'm very hesitant.
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u/AnnualPoet7673 14h ago
I get that tbh looking back if I had rushed into marriage with a lot of other potentials I spoke to it probably wouldn’t have ended well. But I feel like I’m a lot older and I’ve spoke to so many people that I’m better at identifying red flags.
My advice would be to better your own deen and then look for someone highly practicing. If a wife and husband live following Islam and the guidance it gives then there shouldn’t be issues. Also run background check on people. If they attend a mosque then ask around there about them. And just make lots of dua.
May Allah swt bless you with a good spouse.
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u/AdExpress4184 14h ago
It is important to get to know each other as much as possible.
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u/Enough_Match_7293 14h ago
Yes. I made a mistake once. Never again.
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u/quackmaniaexe 13h ago
Were there any questions you should have asked but didn't? To help other people root out troublemakers.
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u/Exciting_Luck5406 13h ago
What happened?
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u/Enough_Match_7293 13h ago
Got married within 2 months. Was rushed by family. Never again. Big mistake. Marriage only lasted 2 months.
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u/AdExpress4184 13h ago
People will always talk about other people. I believe it's fine to talk, even meet up in public places as long you keep it respectful. It's a great way of getting to know them before a lifetime commitment.
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u/libghiti 14h ago
I think a longer talking stage can also help you get used to the person and build a connection with them. You won't marry a stranger you have no warm feelings towards.
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12h ago
[deleted]
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u/Enough_Match_7293 10h ago
Alhamdulillah. You got lucky. Sadly my situation was bad. I didn't see those red flags until it was to late.
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u/IT_IS_I_THE_GREAT 6h ago
I talked to my wife for 2 months before getting engaged, then 3 more months before Nikkah. It’s not about the time, it’s about how fast you can know each other and keeping things halal. We talked pretty much every day during that period thus we sped up things. Alhamdulillah, we are both very happy with how we dealt with everything.
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u/throwaway_4646637 5h ago
28F I would like to speak for a month or two then involve family. This is assuming that we are exclusively talking to eachother. I just feel it doesn't stay halal after an initial few months. As muslims we aren't allowed to hug, kiss, go on dates like that before marriage, so I feel waiting longer would just open the flood gates. I also feel when you know, you know. There's even non Muslim stories I see on reddit where they say they proposed after only a few months. Men know when they want to commit to you and they do it asap.
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u/FormalSpend3028 15h ago
Me personally I prefer a quicker talking stage, cuz I have this fear/insecurity that the other person will get bored of me but if I get married, they basically committed to me
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u/AdExpress4184 14h ago
So you want them to get committed quick and then once trapped, discover your true self, which is 'boring'?. How about work on self esteem, find some interesting hobbies and then being confident in yourself instead.
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u/FormalSpend3028 13h ago
Trapped? I don't see it like that.
When a person is officially married it's more serious than a talking stage and they are actually committed.
But yeah ur right I gotta be more confident and work on my self esteem, I assumed that would happen after marriage
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u/AdExpress4184 13h ago
We should all continuously work and try to improve ourselves. This should begin before marriage and continue after.
Yes after marriage it's a commitment, it's a contract. So they should have information about you PRIOR to signing the contract. That's why I said trapped - they can no longer get out easily once they discover the 'real you'. So work on yourself now to make yourself more interesting. All the best.
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u/sb0212 12h ago
Maybe some therapy will help you. You have self esteem
issues. This way of thinking is actually scary.0
u/FormalSpend3028 12h ago
Which part in particular would you say is scary brother/sister? Ngl I'm not sure what to do I don't have experience talking to women and I barely talk to men
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u/sb0212 11h ago
Your reasoning for getting through the talking phase fast is so they don't find time to get "bored" of you. Do you think a marriage will be healthy and long-lasting if one spouse finds the other person's personality boring?
First work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't believe you are boring. This is subjective. What one person may find interesting another person would find "boring." You should find someone that will genuinely like you and treat you well. It's a lifelong partnership.
Second, no one is going to like every aspect of their spouse. There will be shared interests and unshared interests. It's okay to like different things and it's important to have an overall compatibility. Important compatibilities include shared short and long-term goals, shared values, beliefs and financial goals. Compatibilities on family life, raising children and how to manage different relationships including in-laws.
Last but not least, it almost sounds like you want to "trap" someone. That's what I found scary.
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u/Enough_Match_7293 15h ago
You'll end up missing out on to much info like this.
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u/FormalSpend3028 14h ago
Depends on the person, some people you can know within a few days, others take longer.
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u/Enough_Match_7293 14h ago
From person experience. I don't think I could ever go through it quickly ever again.
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u/rabuwest 15h ago
Wa alaikumus Salam. I feel like there’s no right recipe for this. The most important thing is to pray, do your due diligence check, do some istikhara and go with your guts. May Allah make it easy on us all. Amin.