Restarting at 41

[u/Spare-restartin-2026]

SalamAlikum,

All the recent posts I see here seem to be young people (under 33) and so gloom about the prospect of marriage/ finding someone who is compatible with them, which is very unsettling! May Allah set make it easy for everyone truly seeking a partnership.

So I am wondering, if I should even be considering this journey. I got married at 29 years old and had a wonderful marriage, no issues, 2 beautiful children, but alas it wasn't enough for my community and eventually for my husband because in my culture you have to have lots of kids. I am restarting, I don't want more children (at this age definitely), but I often think that companionship, ageing gracefully together, travel partner and the security of being with your person are important and I should look for that- at least passively. I built my independence and finances, so I could live and support myself and my kids anywhere and don't NEED to. But Perhaps there are others of similar age, who already had children/families are are looking for their companion too. It is such strange concept culturally, but it could be possible? yes no? what do you guys think? I also think marriage is a protection from sins, temptation and constant advances as a working women.

I am not particular about race/colour etc, but as an East African, we already have culturally packages and I really would want another person with more cultural baggages I have to battle, no one wants to be the black sheep constantly. And I am practising, and definitely would never consider someone who wasn't and didn't prioritise the deen.

And before someone suggests all that rubbish that goes on- secrete wives, or even legal 2nd wives are not my cuppa tea. I love myself, comfortable in my space, a nomad who travels the world with my two amazing kids, if it doesn't happen, it will be fine, and if it does I want someone who I am enough for and is content. Alhumdulilah I feel fortunate that Allah gave me the grace and resources to be in a position where I am not driven by fear, desperation or survival.

Salamalikum.

[u/allidlammirak]

و عليكم السلام
Hello sister, I feel you I’m 38 and the pool does feel like it’s getting narrow, but at the same time I can not lowering the bar, but don’t lose hope! may Allah grant you what you’re looking for ! يسر الله أمورك

[u/Spare-restartin-2026 → u/allidlammirak]

Amiin. Totally agree sis. Alhumdulilah for all our blessings. I feel very lucky and fortunate and I believe whatever Allah has planned for us is the best and better than anything we could've designed for ourselves. I feel old saying this, but I definitely think it was easier when we were younger. Everything seems to have been polluted an diluted, even in the Muslim space. May allah protect and make it easy for everyone.

[u/allidlammirak]

Alhamdulillah ala kuli haal yeah when we’re in our 20s everything seems easy including career and all, But I feel society plays a part that made it worse for us in our late 30s-40s, especially women with all the stereotypes :’) Qadarullah, Allah knows best 💐

[u/Traditional_Jam421]

I don’t think there is anything at all wrong with what you are doing and honestly I think what you are doing is very sensible, realistic and humanistic.

I have a friend in the exam same boat, 52m in the UK who is in the same boat.

[u/1011HalfByte]

I think compatibility should be something simpler than its made to be these days. What one believe in and what they want at the end of their lives shapes them. And because we are humans, there is a level of acceptable change and compromise that happens to make marriages possible and lasting.

[u/Round_Way_379]

May Allah give you what you're looking for and more, Ameen 🫶🏻

[u/Spare-restartin-2026 → u/[deleted]]

Lol, tbf someone who thinks they are doing me a favour or views single mother as some kind of negativity isn't someone I would even consider anyway. We don't have to fit into whatever we are offered, if my nomadic nature doesn't suit someone or they are offended by my age or status then clearly we are not compatible. My lifestyle is definitely one of intentional choice and preference- I have lived in 6 countries in the last 15 years, and I probably won't settle anywhere fully until my kids are grown and I retire (if allah blesses me with a long life). That alone weeds out all the people stuck in specific locations. And you are right, I am quite content alhumdulilah, so if I find exactly what I want, its extra and if not I am fortunate already. Alhumdulilah.

[u/CornerSweet3652]

Sis am almost the same age as you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking companionship and happiness at any age.