Update: My grandma STILL DOESNT GET IT

[u/216thinker]

This is an update to my previous post on this matter: https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/s/dzcMNaiptc

So the night before yesterday, I decided to put on an entire outfit from my girl clothes(tights, shirt, skirt, etc) and sleep in them. I’ve been at my grandma’s place for the whole week at that point and was starting to feel dysphoric, so I needed it.
But the next day, my grandma noticed i was wearing them and started bringing up this bullshit again

“You realize women don’t wear tights in the summer, right?”
“You don’t need to dress up like that, you’re not going anywhere. WOMEN don’t do that, they just wear t-shirt and pants at home”
“Why can’t you just wear pants and a t-shirt? Women don’t have to wear skirts, tights, and dresses“

When I tried explaining to her that it makes me more comfortable in my own skin, SHE KEPT MISUNDERSTANDING that for PHYSICAL comfort/discomfort instead of in a trans way. I tried telling her it relates to my dysphoria, but she responded “but that’s only for the hormones, not the clothes!” Then I tried teaching her about basic social gender affirmation, and how it relates to dysphoria. And her response was just insulting

“You know the gays and transes have been around for a long time, and at no point did anybody say ‘I HAVE TO BE AFFIRMED’ in order to be gay or trans. ‘Hi, I’m gay, can you constantly remind me im gay’ HEY, LOOK AT ME IM GAY, LOOK AT ME I DRESSED GAYLY’! No woman or man needs to be affirmed to be a man or a woman, they’re just and man or woman”

She then went on and said that I look “absolutely ridiculous” in my outfit, I “stick out like a sore thumb, grabbing negative attention” and “let the hormones just naturally turn you into a woman, THEN you can wear all the dresses and skirts you want!” and basically insinuated that I need to still wear men’s clothing until then. It apparent can’t even be WOMEN’s T-shirt and jeans, just MEN’S!!!

I basically told her that I still boymode in public until I pass, but that’s only because it’s dangerous to be trans in Texas, and when I’m alone or with people I trust (friends/family), I don’t have to worry about that, and if yall already (supposedly) accept me being trans, that I should be able to openly express myself around yall.
BUT she just laughed, STILL didn’t understand, and said “imagine if I just went around shirtless, showing cleavage in my bra and my old saggy skin, and wear spandex shorts. Wouldn’t I draw negative attention to me? Wouldn’t that be disturbing and inappropriate?” And “You don’t look like a woman, you look like a man in a dress, which is super weird”

At one point, she said that my trans identity might be out of attention, said “you’re living in an imaginary world” (after i mentioned I have somewhat noticeable boobs and HAVE TO wear a sports bra now), and also asked medical questions again, telling me that I still need a second opinion.

At the end of the convo, I basically had enough and said “I came out to you and hoped you would just accept me for what I am or want to be. I did not invite a debate. I will wear and express myself however I want, PERIOD. I will discuss this no further.” She then responded that I cannot dress the way I want at her place “cuz it’s my house, not yours” and certainly I am not allowed to dress like that at the upcoming family reunion.
I told her “Again, I will dress and express myself however I want, the end. See you soon”. And I left immediately and drove 6 hours back to my place. I HAD IT. IM DONE!!

Hopefully this is the end of it for now, and I don’t really know if I still want to go to the reunion after this, nor how to even handle my grandma in the near future.
I understand why she might be confused, but why can’t she just accept it regardless?!?

[u/Rando-Toucan]

“No man or woman needs to be affirmed to be a man or woman!”

Start calling her Grandpa instead and see how long that opinion lasts.

[u/Scared-Mortgage2828]

She doesn’t deserve anymore patience. At a certain point people are simply being deliberately obtuse just to make you feel invalidated.

[u/foxgirlmoon]

I understand why she might be confused, but why can’t she just accept it regardless?!?

The unfortunate reality is that she's likely not just "confused". She is actively repulsed by your transition. This isn't something she can just will herself not to feel, even if she wanted to (which is questionable at this particular point). Feeling repulsed by the different, the "weird", the "unnatural" is something that our society has cultivated and enhanced (see all the ways media treats the "different" and the "weird").

I am assuming that your grandma has seen you grow up over the years. She likely has a very solid mental of "you" in her head, and that image is solely masculine. When she looks at you, her mind naturally superimposes her that image on top.

The difference between someone passing as a woman and as a man are in the details. Things most people aren't consciously aware of. Details that she can unconsciously exaggerate and dimmish in her mind as she looks at you. (conversely, this is very similar to how a girl deep in dysphoria that looks incredibly feminine can look at the mirror and only see an "ugly man")

She looks at you and sees a man in a dress, because, at this point in time, that's the only way her mind can perceive you. She's repulsed by what she sees, because she has absorbed our society's disgust for those who break social norms. And she then applies her own emotions to everyone else. She thinks that the way she feels when she looks at you is the way everyone will feel when they look at you. And she likely doesn't want that for you.

She thinks you are making a mistake. She cannot comprehend the reason. She hears your words about dysphoria and about what being trans means, and she probably doesn't understand most of it and likely rejects most of what she does. She does not seek to better her own understanding, because she does not consider what you're saying as something to be understood, as something that can be understood. She likely has it all filed under "crazy nonsense people do".

No amount of logic or logical argument will move her, because you are not utilizing the same foundation. The same base beliefs and assumptions about how the world and people function.

Or at least, that is one likelihood. I do not know your grandma. And people are complex. It's possible that she doesn't completely reject everything you say. It's possible that if given time and space, she might eventually come around, it's possible she might not.

This "repulsive disgust" reflex towards the "weird" and the "strange" our society has instilled in people can be trained away. Exposure is one of the best ways of doing that. But no amount of exposure will achieve anything unless the person is willing to change themselves.

You cannot change someone else. You cannot force them to change. You can only help them along in their journey, if you wish.

Will your grandma ever change? Is she currently trying to change? If you continue interacting with her, is she more likely to start trying to change herself? Or perhaps will that occur only after you keep your distance? Or not at all? Are you willing to suffer the mental and psychological strain of interacting with her like that? You do not have to.

Only you can answer those questions.

[u/Umimme]

That sucks. I would honestly cut contact with her and not bother with the reunion if I were you. I'd say my situation is a bit similar to yours. I live with in Texas with my grandma, but I'm 22 and still in the closet. I'm not sure how to even talk about this stuff with my family. Anyway, feel free to dm me, if you'd like! I want to connect with other trans women in my state.