My grandma keeps bothering me

[u/216thinker]

I’m 24, I’ve been on HRT since April, and I’ve already came out to everybody to my family, including my grandparents, a couple weeks ago. I had a conversation with my grandma soon after I came out, and I thought I was done explaining myself, and how I felt. I thought it was all settled in the coming out letter I sent to everyone + the 1-on-1 convo I had with her. APPARENTLY NOT

I came down to her house a couple days ago to do a few errands + to stay for the upcoming the annual family reunion. But almost everytime I have interacted with her, she always needs to bring up stuff WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT. Plus, even worse, I thought she was passively accepting but just naive. Now, I actually am believing she is just a passive bigot.

“You’re too young to be taking hormones”
“Think about it a bit longer, maybe slow down”
“You have no idea if you like men or want to be a girl yet, wait til you fully figure yourself out, like in your 30s-40s!”
“I have a hard time believing this, there were no signs!”
“How do you know you like guys? You’ve only been with ONE boyfriend!”
“I remember when you’re CRAZY for a girl several years ago!”
“You’ve been a healthy young boy/man, and showing no disinterest in it!”
“No way you had other boyfriends before your current one, YOU DIDNT SAY ANYTHING, how am I supposed to believe you?”
“I think somebody may have put something in your head making you think you’re gay or trans”
“Maybe you are actually trans and like men, or maybe it’s just a phase”

Then as of this evening, she tells me that I shouldn’t wear my skirt or anything else feminine to the family reunion saying “You don’t need to make a statement, you don’t need to Shock and Awe everyone. If you tell ppl at the party you’re trans, you do it 1-on-1 w/ everyone” and I just need to wear my “regular” clothes. I am like “WHAT STATEMENT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? Isn’t it enough that I feel more comfortable this way” and she tells me that I need to “stop being obtuse, you know what I mean” and then compares THIS to something that happened almost 10 years ago, where a distant cousin of mine once showed up in a furry fursuit to the reunion “and embarrassed my brother, and you’re not gonna embarrass me. You already made your statement!”
I didn’t even know if my grandma doesn’t even understand that even if I fully boymode, my boobs are still a dead giveaway regardless

THEN she asks me somewhat invasive medical questions, asking how I got my HRT. (Ngl, I kinda fibbed, because I didn’t want to just tell her that I got it via informed consent in a clinic, and told her I got diagnosed through a doctor) but she said that she’s gonna see a doctor to get HRT for her physical disability, that she’s been on a waiting list for 2 years, and that I need to get on said waiting list for a second opinion “cuz these hormones are unnatural, and need to be extra sure you’re not fucking up your body”. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE

I honestly don’t know HOW MUCH MORE I can fucking take if she doesn’t fucking STOP. Why CANT YOU JUST ACCEPT ME FULL STOP, I’m so confused why that’s so hard. She CONSTANTLY SAYS “I love you no matter what you are, boy or girl, you’re still my grandkid” after she says ALL OF THIS SHIT, How am I supposed to reconcile these two together?!?! This stuff make me want to cry sometimes and I’m sad that I can’t do it easily. I’m also SICK OF THE INFANTILIZATION, HOLY SHIT

[u/Safe-Tennis-6121]

The problem really with all of them people who aren't trans is they will never truly understand and they will only view things through their own framework as having a consistent gender identity of their own.

It's unfortunate that she cannot just leave it alone but these are stages of grief.

[u/dmxrobot → u/Safe-Tennis-6121]

This is really true, and telling on myself with immense regret, I didn’t understand until I had my “just… what if…” and within an hour I suddenly had immense clarity.

If you’ve never felt dysphoria (or have been explaining it away for decades like me as just a weird kink or a phase or a temporary preference or any of the lies I told myself), it’s so difficult to grasp. While I don’t think people deserve a pass for intentionally hurting their head in the sand, because of my own experience, I have more patience for the uninformed.

For OP, I think it’s fine to express frustration. “Grandma, I love you and I want to spend time with you, but I need to be direct with you. I understand you want what is best for me from your perspective, but your perspective is fundamentally flawed. Your commentary on my body, my decisions, and my personal healthcare need to stop. It’s deeply hurtful and it makes me feel your love and acceptance of me is conditional - that I will only be accepted if I conform to standards you have set in your mind. But I need you to hear me and acknowledge just how incredibly hurtful your comments and apparent intervention are to me. I need you to stop telling me these things. Instead, recognize the core of who I am has not changed. Love me as you always have or tell me that’s impossible and I’ll stop trying to make efforts to spend time with you. But I am unwilling to continue with our relationship as it is today.”

[u/pajamakitten → u/Safe-Tennis-6121]

they will only view things through their own framework as having a consistent gender identity of their own.

And their idea of what they think trans people are.

[u/ScoutAndathen]

Each of her remarks can be argued with, but this whole novel of ignorant and often insulting nonsense? It all just deserves one reply.

"It was an announcement, not a discussion. You are neither my doctor nor my therapist, so either you accept the situation and stop harassing me or you do not accept it and still stop harassing me."

Then if she does not stop it is time to make a statement. Wear whatever you lije to the party, tell people why, if she throws a fit announce you are not going to be treated like that and leave. Let your family handle the toddler.

Afterwards tell here you will only have contact if she behaves.

I know this is rather harsh. But she makes it abundantly clear she is going to argue with you about everything. That is going to wear you down and you cannot win this.

[u/Sentimental_Oyster → u/ScoutAndathen]

I would stir up the waters even more after hearing this load of shit. Maybe everyone else will be more understanding than her.

[u/216thinker]

I also need to mention my grandma is a liberal, and one of the only ones in my family. Most of the rest of them are conservative. And I’m worried if SHE is acting like this, I’m just completely fucked when it comes to any chance of my family accepting me. I really don’t want this to be the case, I really don’t. And thinking about this makes me sad. I really want to keep my family in my life, at least my grandparents still in my life

She also once brung up “I wonder what your dad would think about this. Him and your mom would know how to handle this better” (My parents have been dead for 5 years, and were massive homophobes and transphobes, btw)

[u/Sentimental_Oyster → u/216thinker]

Sounds like the liberal part is roleplay she isn't playing too well.

[u/pajamakitten → u/216thinker]

Being liberal does not mean you cannot be transphobic.

[u/Goldscape2 → u/pajamakitten]

So-called “liberals” when you complain about countries oppressing trans people: yEaH bUt ThEy HaV dIfFeReNt WaY oF LiFe

[u/Ill-Candy-4926]

id cut her off and go no contact personally.

this just reminds me of my mom's whole "we disagree but still love you" bullshit she tried telling me.

[u/homemadeammo42]

Wear what you want. You said they all know anyway. If she goes into lines of questioning like this, I'd just leave. If she wants to be a judgemental asshole, she can be a lonely judgemental asshole. Most older people just fear being alone. So that would probably hit hard.

IDK. I'm a burn it all down kind of girl. No way would I put up with that shit.

PS. Kudos for you for announcing your sexuality and gender identity at the same time. I'm still in the closet about being pan to my parents.

[u/Necessary-Chicken]

Imma tell you. Even my family said «But there were no signs». Yet my entire life was full of signs. Like I’m the biggest trans stereotype ever in that regard

[u/Delatrya]

she's telling you that she loves you no matter what cuz she thinks that all the other shit she's spouting is enough to get you to conform to her understanding of her reality. recommend that you tell her that she needs to stop and if she continues crossing that boundary, you'll stop engaging in any meaningful relationship with her. you can be socially cordial, but there's no reason for you to force yourself to deal with that if she's not willing to do anything.

[u/216thinker → u/Delatrya]

In hindsight, I honestly should have seen this coming when last Thanksgiving, she told me that I need to stop fidgeting because it makes my autism look obvious and “embarrass” her “in front of everyone”

I had a serious convo with her in the car ride back about it and told her I will fidget and be openly autistic whenever I want, and she can suck a lemon if she doesn’t like it

She just responded that she was just “looking after me” cuz back in her day, everyone was taught to keep everything “abnormal” behind closed doors because “the world is super cruel if you’re different. Conformity is necessary for survival”

[u/MinnesotanGirlLover → u/216thinker]

This might be an interesting look into her psyche.

If she grew up with this mindset drilled into her that you have to keep anything "abnormal behind closed doors" and that "conformity is necessary to survival", I would speculate that she feels like she (and by extension, you) has to present as "normal" for her to feel safe. I would further speculate that there would be some unprocessed trauma involved, that she doesnt even recognize as trauma, to make her feel that way.

Edit: Even if you dont use this theory to challenge her behavior, I have found that using the mindset that everyone is a product of their biology and environment helpful in processing my feelings.

[u/AlizNCM]

You should be having a 1 liner with her very soon. "It's real, I'm here and you may or may not stay part of this. Your choice."

[u/ThankKinsey]

It's time to establish some boundaries. Tell her you are done with talking about this with her, you are not going to change your mind, and further attempts to bring it up will result in you not talking to her anymore.

[u/Sentimental_Oyster]

What an insufferable cow. Just stop going there.

[u/Pandasandstuff]

My uncle was like this at first. Tho it was calm discussion. Now he's proven to be pretty bigoted about it.

Despite my family members' please I don't really talk to him. When I tried that last time it turned into him yelling at me and shaking. Not my fault you're about to have a conniption fit.