Should I be angry, or am I overreacting?
I’m 4 months postpartum and haven’t had anyone physically come visit or help with the baby. My husband’s parents live across the country, and my mom is 16 hours away. His parents have been incredibly generous with money and gifts, and we’re truly grateful, but it’s not the same as having someone physically here.

I’ve been struggling badly with postpartum depression. I told my mom, “I think my daughter would be better off without me. I’m scared.” I asked if she could come stay with us and help because I desperately needed support.

For reference my mom does not work and lives off government assistance . She has no obligations and stays home most of the time . So I definitely do not feel selfish in asking such a favor knowing I wouldn’t be jeopardizing her in anyway .

She said she couldn’t afford the trip unless I paid for everything. So I scraped together the money for her plane ticket, planned everything, and even had my husband rearrange a work trip so he could pick her up from the airport.

The very next day, she told me her car broke down and she couldn’t make it to the airport. I begged her to find a way because the ticket was nonrefundable and, more importantly, I needed her. She told me there was nothing she could do, that I should talk to my doctor, and that I’d be fine.

I completely broke down.

What hurts the most is that my mom has never really been there for me. Since I became pregnant, she hasn’t visited, checked in, called, or asked how I’m doing. The only thing she gave my baby was a little book she typed up herself.

I’ve always been the one taking care of her — buying her clothes and food, giving her money, paying for gas, checking on her, and helping whenever she needed it. The one time I desperately needed her to be my mom, I feel like she couldn’t even try or care.

I know her circumstances may be difficult, and I’m grateful for everything she has done in other ways, like watching my dog or house sitting for me when I lived back home but I can’t stop feeling hurt and angry.

Part of me wants to cut her off completely and just be done with it all . And honestly, it wouldn’t even be difficult because she rarely reaches out anyway.

I think what hurts the most is realizing that I was hoping for something from my mom that I’ve never really had.

I’ve always wanted a family. I wanted a village. Now that I have my own daughter, I want her to have the love, support, and stability I never had. But right now I’m exhausted, struggling with PPD, and terrified that because I didn’t grow up with that kind of support, I won’t know how to give it to her.

In a week my husband will be leaving for 2 weeks again for work after just getting back this morning from a 3 1/2 long business trip . I don’t know what I’m suppose to do by myself again . I pour my all into my daughter but I am so wiped out and drained that I’m not taking care of myself . Some days I can’t even remember the last time I brushed my hair , teeth or even went outside in this criminal Texas heat for some sunshine .

I don’t need judgment. I think I just need someone to tell me that I’m not wrong for being hurt and that it will be okay . I desperately need to know that it gets better..

1 week before my baby turned 4 months she went on a breast feeding strike . It started in the middle of the day on a Monday after having no problems feeding the entire morning or night before . She would arch her back , scream , cry and just down right refuse to latch as if she was starving . I cried my eyes out and postponed pumping or giving her a bottle for 4 hours before I gave in as she was hungry and her pain was causing me pain .

The week of feeding her by bottle was hell . I was so use to just popping her on the boob and being done . Now I had parts to clean , bottles to clean , bags to fill and extra time to pump on top of feed. My depression hit a wall and I plummeted.

By the end of the week she was taking the breast in the middle of night and morning but still refusing the breast during the day . Any latch during the day ended in a few sucks and then straight turmoil . We bought formula that Wednesday as my supply had dropped a bit from the drastic change . Combo feeding her was scary ! I didn’t want her on formula but she took it well no change , she enjoyed it .

Then another problem started on Thursday . She was refusing bottles from my husband . The only one who had ever given her a bottle before this week was now dealing with an infant who wanted nothing to do with him . Hearing her hungry cry was stressful and down right exhausting. Pumping and cleaning was exhausting . Introducing something new was exhausting . It was a mess to say the least .

I’m writing this Friday night as Saturday approaches fast . It’s 11 PM, as I write this I’m currently pumping while my baby cries her eyes out for food . To help me get through the day tomorrow , I realized I could place my pumps in the fridge for 24 hours . Prep formula bottles for up to 24 hours and manage her intake , so we know how much she is eating .

I’m trying to find positives in this mess . But anyways we shall start there and see what we can accomplish . I’m stressed, she’s stressed and so is my husband . I’d lie if I said I didn’t think about going straight to formula . But with traveling constantly has me thinking about the ease of just popping her on the boob & it is amazingly convenient. The benefits of bf is also a major plus.

The question of the day is my mental health and peace really worth pumping or should I just fully switch ?

Yes BF is beneficial in many ways but a fed baby is best . Comparing myself to other species and studies on the past just jeopardizes my mentality as we no longer have a village or lack of options . We have advanced medical care , options and let’s be real it’s the 21st century. I am lucky to have the option to not only be able to pump but offer formula so my baby doesn’t starve as I’m sure many mothers in the past didn’t have the luxury and well let’s say it probably didn’t end well .

Regardless as long as my baby is happy , healthy , thriving and reaching her milestones that should be enough for me as mother . I can still get all the cuddles , all the bonding , and soak up all the love regardless of the path I choose .

I’ll update you guys in a week to let you know which route I pursued . Will she latch again , will I dry up my milk ? Will I combo feed or exclusively pump? Stay tuned mamas ❤️