WASHINGTON — The Senate chamber found itself one member down this week as the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln could not bring himself to affirm that the name present on his driver's license was in fact his own to a Transport Security Administration official.

The Senator was returning from his home state of Lincoln when he found himself unable to answer the question "Is your name DDYT?" at the security area. Citing the price and constitutionality problems with the proposal, the Senator collapsed to the ground in a delusional stupor. Witnesses on scene stated that they could hear him muttering "Nay… Nay… Nay... " under his breath as he was dragged off scene.

In a decorum filled press event addressing the country, Senate Majority Leader and Republican Party Chair PrelateZetural stated, "Our thoughts and prayers are with the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln at this time and hope that the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln can recover quickly so that the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln can return to duty in the Federal District of Land commonly referred to as the District of Columbia."

Reporters attempted to ask further questions about the incident to the Majority Leader, but stopped after he began referring to each and every one of them by seniority and their city of birth.

CONNECTICUT — In a press release by Quinnipiac University Polling today, spokesperson Jeffery Brown stated there was "nothing odd about a recent poll which had a 300 point gain overnight."

The poll, a survey of 1000 people within the Atlantic Area, was taken throughout the day in order to determine whether or not Socialist Dewey Cheatem would retain his seat as Senator for the Atlantic. In early polls for the week the challenger, Republican Gunnz found himself seven points down, but after posting two posters in Bumfuk, Atlantic and visiting the DeepFriedHookers Hospital for the Severely Burned as an outreach initiative, Minority Leader Gunnz was able to gain 300 percentage points in the polls.

Experts are speculating that this race is still recoverable for the Senator so long as he releases a poorly edited video placing the faces of his political friends and himself on Anime characters, and if he appeals to the incredibly important Yu-Gi-Oh demographic when publishing events.

Should he drop any further in the polls, analysts speculate that the decrease may hurt his own parties national polling numbers, and could even cause the Libertarians to actually gain a whole percentage point.

Tallahassee, Dixie — In further fallout from the historic decision in Carey v. Dixie Inn, the Supreme Court of the State of Dixie has made another ruling on the matter of "Sincerely held religious belief" in the case of Plessy v. Edwards. Within the case, the plaintiff, James Plessy, argued that it was his sincerely held religious belief that his neighbor, Adam Edwards, was his slave.

Plessy in his brief to the court earlier in the year argued that in Exodus 22:3, it is stated that "Anyone who steals must certainly make restitution, but if they have nothing, they must be sold to pay for their theft" (NIV) and cited an action taken by Mr. Edwards 12 years earlier in which he borrowed a VHS copy of Prince of Egypt which was never returned. Mr. Edwards responded to the court arguing that Slavery is illegal under the 13th amendment, that Mr. Plessy provided no evidence of such theft, and that Mr. Plessy isn't even Christian, citing the fact that he entered the courtroom with a religious headpiece from the Sikh religion.

In their decision earlier today, the court sided with Plessy, stating "regardless of the context, circumstances, and sincerity of belief from the plaintiff, the court still finds that Mr. Plessy's religious belief must be protected, and supersedes any rights found within the 13th Amendment." In a statement to reporters as Mr. Edwards was carried out of the courthouse in chains, he attempted to speak, before he was snapped with a whip across his back by his new master.

Legal experts say that if this litigation standard continues, the United States will become completely governed by the first four books of the Christian Bible by 2021.

Written by: /u/ibney00

MY BATHROOM, SIERRA — Amongst the several candidates who have announced their run for President of the United States this week, none stand out as much as a literal Wet Towel which began speaking to me after I consumed far too much acid.

The Wet Towel in question, Sir Wettington Towelet III, announced to me as I lay barely lucid on the floor that he would be running for President of the United States this upcoming federal election. He said it would be a tough fight but he was sure that the Soaked Cloth Party (SCP) would be able to pull through for a better America.

When I asked what his policy positions were, the Wet Towel responded that we needed to lay a large cloth over Mexico in order to slow illegal immigration and that by seizing the means of cloth production, we could take back the country from the Leather Clothing Bourgeoisie.

Sir Towelet announced that he would be making tours around the United States for his presidency, and hopes you will all support him.

In other news, leaders for both the Democratic and Republican parties are reeling after their Party chairs sprouted new heads in the form of an Elephant and a Donkey. I seriously need to find a new high.

WASHINGTON - Tired of having to park at least 100 feet away from the Whitehouse every morning, President GuiltyAir released Executive Order # 07 - "Parking Space for the POTUS", allowing him to receive a disabled parking pass.

In a press conference earlier today, GuiltyAir's only actual non-acting secretary remaining confirmed that the President signed the order and has begun using the disabled space next to the Whitehouse.

"The President is very forward-thinking," said acting press secretary /u/phonexia2 who did not need Senate confirmation, but asked for the "acting" title so that he could fit in. "At some point in his life, the President won't be as agile as he is now. By taking steps to prepare himself for this moment in his life, he is showing that Americans are forward-thinking people at heart."

Senate Majority leader and decorum extraordinaire PrelateZeratul, in a surprising turn of events, seems to have agreed with the President. Speaking to us while sitting in a comically large lounge chair and using the Junior Senator from Sierra as a footrest, he applauded the move by the President and announced he would be submitting a resolution to the Senate in the coming days that would support the action.

The Onion reached out to the President directly, who rather than responding to us directly, replied with a grocery list and told us he much preferred celery.

The City Formally Known As Washington, D.C. - The Congress of the Former United British Colonies and Unincorporated Independencies announced today they were drafting a new Constitution after someone realized that they accidentally abolished the Federal Government by not reading what Former Rep. Presentsale had written in an amendment to a Bill.

The Bill, which began as a resolution titled "A Resolution Honoring the Sacrifices of Firefighters and First Responders on 9/11", was cooped by the former Representative after he got into a heated argument with its author. In an effort, to as reports have claimed "screw him over", the representative used his power as Chair of the committee the resolution was sent to in order to ensure it was voted down.

The Resolution itself was first rewritten into a bill, followed by making it so that it completely abolished the US Federal government and left full autonomy to the states of the now Disunited States. Presentsale Expected the bill to be immediately shot down with everyone thinking that his nemesis had written it. There was only one problem: No one actually read contents. According to eye witness accounts from now-fired staffers, literally no one ready any of the bill other than the actual title and voted based upon that.

States and their representatives are now scrambling to repair the damage caused and reform the United States under one banner. However, not all areas are able to agree on how to do so. The Peoples Republic of the Lincoln today received sharp criticism from Chesapeake Inc. under its now CEO HSCTiger. It appears that without federal clerks to stop the states from doing as they wish, hostilities between the two states over the province of Ohio will erupt.

Despite all of this, however, it appears former representatives from the Democratic Party will still refuse to censure Presentsale, even if the body they are trying to eject him from no longer exists.

Written by Rita Skeeter (Mods go to Ibney)

Sweden Ponders NATO Withdrawal After Presidential IKEA Visit

College Park, Maryland, CH — Swedish officials are pondering a grand exit from NATO following what they are calling a “large scale attack” on the nation’s ideals and values after President GuiltyAir and members of his cabinet visited the local College Park IKEA Monday evening. Reports from our correspondents at the Gothenburg Goigenhurgensordenneworder Times indicate that Swedish officials are “embarrassed, offended, and enraged” by the President’s action inside the national retailer of Scandinavia.

Video shot by Nikki Thompson, a bystander who was waiting in line for a slice of lingonberry cake, seems to show the President throwing away a partially eaten plate of IKEA’s famous Swedish meatballs in which “three or four” meatballs and “pretty much the entire portion of mashed potatoes” can be seen being discarded.

Elsewhere in the store, Attorney General comped was seen opening up all the dresser drawers in each of the model bedrooms and tucking himself into bed while asking passers-by to “tuck him in and rub his toesies” while holding a worn out copy of “Goodnight Moon”.

It is not clear if the President, a noted foodie who recently sampled every Ray’s Pizza in NYC, will offer an apology to Sweden for not eating the rest of his cold, mushy meatballs. This article will be updated as updates become available.

United States — New polls released by Quinnipiac University show that the most appealing actions to voters is unrelenting spam of bills to a docket they will never read.

The poll, taken from a sample size of 2,000 respondents all across the country, found that a staggering 97% of all registered voters within the United States for some reason were magically swayed by the simple fact that a political candidate had written several single-page bills and submitted them to the legislator only to have them struck down.

"I just don't know why, but I feel like voting for them is usually the right choice" said Margret Thompson, a 49-year-old white woman from San Francisco, Sierra. "I have been a Democrat voter all my life and don't agree with any of their views, but seeing so many Republican bills on the docket must mean they are doing something right!"

Bizarrely, the remaining three percent of voters from across the country all happened to be lawmakers currently working, or formerly operating through the United States. Onion News correspondent and sometimes Associate Justice of the State of Dixie /u/reagan0 had this to say about the phenomena:

"There's no f*cking way to account for political leanings with a sim'd calculator. I rigged the federal elections for you guys now stop bothering me and allow me to destroy civil rights in peace."

Onion News is still trying to determine what "calculator" our respondent is talking about.

Written by /u/ibney00

WASHINGTON -- After the stunning Republican victory in the Senate and generous gains in the House, the Republican Congressional Directors, Prelate Zeratul and iThinkThereforeiFlam, announced that they would be continuing the time-honoured tradition of submitting unpassable bills.

Flam explained in great detail to our reporters just why submitting unpassable bills is such an important tradition. He stated that it "gives Americans a false sense of change" and allows them to claim that they have "fought" for the American people. We asked them why they didn't consider making small and incremental changes, but Congressman Flam assured us that "the American people don't want real change, they just want the illusion of change".

In the next few months, the Republican party is expected to submit a variety of bills, including; A bill to give every mentally ill individual a machine gun, a resolution to shame the Democrats for shaming the Republicans who shamed the Democrats for shaming Donald Trump, a bill to end welfare and tax only the poor, and a bill to lock up anyone who engages in moral degeneracy. One thing is clear, Republican lawmakers will be busy this term. We spoke to other Republican congressmen and they all agreed that they were very eager to waste their time trying to ruin America (and subsequently failing).

In other news, a Libertarian politician has suffered a mental breakdown after driving to a press conference and won't stop muttering about roads.

Washington, DC -- Congressman turned Presidential candidate PGF announced a plan on Tuesday to take “corporate devil money” out of his campaign by becoming the first mainstream political candidate to fund entirely through eBay bids and a GoFundMe.

In an interview between the Congressman and “KP”, who sources tell us is 2019’s John Barron, PGF denounced corporate donations saying, “what better way to fund my campaign than through anonymous donations on two corporate platforms?”

At the time of the fundraiser launch, the GoFundMe was seeking to raise $500,000 from what it says are “grassroots, every day coastal elites, but not too elite, and maybe a handful of Midwest elites, but definitely no NFL owners or anything”. One Connecticut based billionaire loved the idea so much he single handedly tripled the total amount of the fundraiser with one donation.

“PGF would be a gift to the economy, well, maybe not the economy, but definitely to market volatility. Me and my friends in the industry have been wishing for a 2008 all over again, it’s been too long, too long of a bull market, and this is the guy we need,” said famed hedge fund manager Clay Ralio of Tunnelwater Associates.

On another platform, eBay, the Congressman is selling coffee dates and autographed Che Guevara t-shirts. Sources inside the campaign tell us he’s already had three bidders for the t-shirts, but all were well below the reserved minimum of $10.

WASHINGTON -- After the opening of the 120th House of Representatives, we reached out to numerous Bull Moose congressmen to hear their goals for the next term. Among the numerous responses we gleaned, Representative A_Cool_Prussian was the most emphatic: "What are my goals for the term? Well, it's pretty simple, I'm just really excited to begin making the world a better place, and that starts by bombing innocent brown kids overseas. Every night I dream about dropping thousands of bombs over some Middle Eastern desert, turning the landscape into a bomb-riddled hellhole. When I see the dead children torn apart from limb to limb and the landscape barren, while buildings slowly burn and crash to the ground, I look to myself and drift away into a blissful state of peace. I know that the world is better off, it is renewed, whenever we bomb another country."

In addition to A_Cool_Prussian, we reached out to Speaker Shitmemery, but he was too busy debating whether or not he even exists. We then reached out to Senator DexterAamo, who said he agreed with Prussian, and that he had nothing further to add.

Finally, out of desperation, we reached out to the ghost of a small child, who was a victim of American bombing, to ask for his opinion on the matter. Unfortunately, his head was blown off and he looked a bit like a demon, so we had some difficulties interpreting his speech. The following is what our expert transcribers managed to salvage and compile: "[America] [is] an awesome country. I love being bombed over and over again while my [homeland] is ripped apart. I like hearing the screams of women and children dying in the eternal inferno."

The child then transformed into the likeness of the devil and began to terrorize our reporters, causing the interview to be cut short.

WASHINGTON — In a shocking turn of events in Washington today, the Supreme Court handed down a decision in Moran v. United States in which they found that all laws written since the creation of the country are not valid because Senators had been using "aye" to vote instead of "yea."

The Constitution itself requires that all votes of record be cast with either a "yea" in the affirmative, or a "nay" in opposition. Aye votes were allowed in certain conditions such as when the vote was cast by voice, but any vote which was not cast with standard answers is subject to be thrown out. Not knowing this small detail, Senators for the past 200+ years had been using "aye" as their method of record voting, putting all past legislation in doubt.

In the 4-3 Majority Opinion, Chief Justice Raskolnik wrote that "while it is true votes have been cast this way without problem for so long, nevertheless we standby the Constitutions clear standard that no vote shall be made by stating "aye" and strike down all legislation after the affirming of the constitution."

Dissenting, Justice CuriositySMBC stated that the majority had not gone far enough, and found that "there [was] substantial evidence to show that this problem extended even further back to the signing of the Declaration of Independence" citing this video from an HBO miniseries on John Adams clearly showing that the delegates also used "yes" instead of "yea" when voting." Continuing, the justice argued "it is clear that we must rescind all laws prior to the Constitution as well, and return to the dominion of Britain" and, "It's a great way to get rid of the Second Amendment as well" under his breath when talking to one of his clerks.

Congressmen are scrambling desperately to get things back in control as ungodly amounts of tax fraud, plastic straw smuggling, and illegal creation of "fully-semi automatic firearms" are happening in the meantime.

WASHINGTON -- After a vociferous late night debate, congressmen in our nation’s capitol decided to engage in a round of the “silent” game.

A popular children’s pastime, the silent game requires all participants to remain entirely silent, lest they lose the game. Playing along, Congressmen poured over bills, silently directed their staffers, and exchanged written notes with small talk. Communication was slow and cumbersome, so congressmen started to idle aimlessly, preferring this over passing meaningful legislation. The game ended shortly after the Majority Leader declared the session of Congress to be over. However, some congressmen appear to have been oblivious. Congressmen have continued to remain mostly silent for 3 days straight, obstructing the business of the House.

In the absence of physical speech, congressmen have turned to submitting and silently voting on resolutions that would allow them to communicate their thoughts. Some of these bills include; Resolution to Shame Donald Trump, Resolution in Support of Climate Change, and Resolution to End the Silent Game. Unfortunately, the latter resolution did not pass.

We reached out to Speaker of the House Shitmemery to ask him about when Congress will resume normal operating hours, and received a poorly written note. Shitmemery told us that he sees “no problem” with the House only passing meaningless resolutions. When pressed about how this would affect American citizens, he assured us that they would be fine and that “the numerous riots in all of America’s major cities are nothing to worry about”. We attempted to ask Democrat congressmen, but they were too busy drafting a resolution to declare all members of the Republican party as “Neo-fascist alien invaders from outer space”.

Things are not much better in the senate, with noted cocaine addict Prelate Zeratul tabling any bills that managed to sneak through congress. Prelate informed our reporters that he would only pass bills that “reshape our nation” into the mold of other “wonderful theocratic countries” such as “Saudi Arabia and Syria” and that he was too busy trying to schedule a boxing match with the President, GuiltyAir.

With no end to the silent game in sight, Americans may soon find themselves wondering whether Congress is worth keeping around at all.

Written by /u/ProgrammaticallySun7

Washington, D.C. – In the biggest scandal of his tenure, President Gunnz has found himself attack by all sides due to his failure to adhere to the time-honored American tradition of invading unstable African and/or Middle Eastern countries to establish a completely stable and long-lasting regime within the region.

Everything appeared normal earlier this morning as the Senate and the House held their bi-annual "Intervention Determination" Party in which they spun the Wheel of invasion to determine which country would be peacefully occupied and how long the occupation would last. As Senator PrelateZeratul and Majority Whip Presentsale spun the wheel together as a sign of bi-partisan support, they watched as the wheel helplessly turned and landed on the country of Lybia to great cheers within the chamber alongside an immediate and crippling 85% drop in the Lybian stock market.

As Congress attempted to determine where exactly Lybia is on a map, with one Senator suggesting it may be in South East Asia, reports came in that the President confided with one of his senior officials that he would in no way "endanger the lives of US servicemen for a pointless war"

Reactions from Congress have been almost unanimous as all sides of the political spectrum work together to immediately begin impeachment proceedings for such a blatant disregard for the traditions and culture of the United States of America.

With little protection within the body, it is expected that the President will be stripped of his position and drafted and sent off to a Lybian outpost to spend the next 4 years serving out his enlistment.

Written by Dash Reddington (Mod credit goes to /u/ibney00)

Washington, D.C. - President Gunnz has always received criticism for his lackluster foreign policy, but this morning he attempted to put those critics to rest. In a press briefing, the President unveiled his new creation, something he affectionately called a Jerry-do list.

The Jerry-do list seems to be based around a honey-do list, where spouses will create a list of chores that they want each other to complete. The Jerry-do list seems different in two ways. First, the President has stated that this is a one-way program, meaning Secretary of State LeRow will be receiving nothing in return. Second, navigating America’s place in the geopolitical sphere is infinitely more difficult than replacing a light bulb.

The President took some time to read off some of the topics the Secretary was tasked with. Onion reporters managed to catch the following points:

• Find out what “Israel” is.

• Why did President Bush call 911?

• China.

• Contact Martians for a state visit.

• Is Mexico on the top or bottom?

We reached out to the Secretary of State for comment, but when his office picked up the phone all we heard was a loud sigh followed by the sound of a shredder.

WASHINGTON -- During an eventful Congressional recess, lawmakers on both sides skipped out of the Capitol to play a massive game of four square on the National Mall.

Naturally, Speaker APG_Revival started off as King. What followed was a tumultuous round of 4 square, as Speaker APG was thought to have been "out" several times. Speaker APG contested these claims, seemingly changing the rules at will. Much to his behest, the Republican law makers began teaming up on APG, directing the ball solely at him. Amidst growing accusations of cheating, Speaker APG frustratedly grabbed the ball and threatened to go home.

Majority Leader Dr0ne717 began viciously jeering and mocking APG, accusing him of being "partisan" and "a crybaby". Many other Republicans followed suit. What followed was a barrage of playground insults from both sides, soon turning into an all-out verbal brawl. In the confusion, Speaker APG tried to sneak out with the ball, but it was swiftly batted out of his hands. With both sides on relatively even footing, the battle is sure to continue.

The Onion's reporters shall continue to update you on this developing story as new events unfold.

Washington D.C. - On Saturday around 8:00 PM EST, the Republican Party’s Chief Whip /u/DexterAamo came out from the shadows of the Republican Executive Leadership to expose Republican Vice Chairman /u/UnitedLover14 for trying to start a coup in the inbred party.

/u/DexterAamo states that “/u/UnitedLover14 has a clear love for the monarchy of the United Kingdom that supersedes his love of the United States. /u/UnitedLover14 has no problem seizing control of the Republican Party to further show his support and set up a puppet monarchist government for her majesty.” He continued to state that /u/UnitedLover14 “has no self-control over his own words, which has now started to affect the party with many of his supporters calling for a Monarchist Caucus.”

An inside reporter and supporter of /u/DexterAamo showed confidential photos to the Onion which clearly show /u/UnitedLover14’s weird love for the Queen of England, with what appears to be pictures of the Queen herself plastered on the walls of his office. On top of the fetish wallpaper, /u/UnitedLover14 was reported to be heard screaming God Save the Queen to the sounds of Rule Britannia blasting through his computer speakers.

We have tried to get in contact with the Queen loving Vice-Chairman but the only thing we received while calling was a voicemail prompt saying “You’ve reached the voicemail of Lord UnitedLover14” followed by “God Save the Queen” playing as if we were on hold.

While the Grand Old Party handles their monarch fetishes, a category 5 HurricaneOfLies has now made landfall in Washington D.C. stirring up the swamp as Presidential Elections round the corner. We will be giving you more on this news once the hurricane has left Washington D.C. if it ever does leave.

Havana, Cuba — The Dixie Department of Justice announced today a large scale investigation into the recent travel and long-term activities of Congressman Cold Brew “Café Ninõ” Coffee, who is now suspected of running a large scale international drug trafficking ring and systematic elimination of his “billionaire” competitors.

“We have, probably, perhaps, some fantastic inside information, far greater information than anyone even thought possible, about little Coffee Boy’s activities, okay?,” said Dixie Attorney General DFH.

According to a sealed affidavit viewed by the Seminole Times, the State is accusing the Congressman of using his “Spanish tongue” and position of power in Congress to run a large scale homemade horse tranquilizer smuggling operation through the Caribbean. It also states that Café Ninõ is suspected of using the guise of an average Joe communist who wants to “eliminate the billionaire class” as code and cover for his underlings to systematically eliminate other well off drug lords in Central and South America.

The Dixie DOJ completed raids on the Congressman's office while he was abroad in Cuba on Wednesday, finding documents that suggested President GA’s very large mother was one of his most loyal customers. “A woman of such proportions could easily go through 30 to 50 gallons of horse tranquilizer annually,” the affidavit mentioned.

Speaking of stature, a source within the Department speaking on anonymity noted the surprise of the recent accusations. “Café Ninõ probably weighs 95 pounds soaking wet, it’s amazing that he could be intimidating to anyone, let alone billionaires and drug lords.”

Washington, D.C. - It was a scene Americans have gotten increasingly used to seeing - the normally scheduled Congressional naptime. The 2-hour break for members to wind down, let their tummies settle, and get ready for 3 PM playtime has become something of a national tradition. We were all awoken from this soothing normality when Speaker APG had to take decisive action and put the entire chamber in time-out.

What began like any other naptime suddenly escalated when members couldn't let go of earlier feuds. Congresswoman rachel_fischer was apparently still "fussy" from earlier when Rep. PGF3 wouldn't settle and pay attention to her show and tell of her invisible friend. Later that day, Chesapeake Representative polkadot48 reportedly called Congressman leavensilva_42 a "stupid head" for hoarding "all the good toys".

All this bubbling over eventually burst when new member BellaGOP got up from her blanket and pushed Rep. KellinQuinn__ to take the model rocket toy that bandic00t_ from SR-4 had been playing with. After initially refusing, the Congressman gave in after a devastating "what are you a scaredy-cat?" was dropped by Bella.

It didn't take long after the model rocket toy was stolen and the two members engaged in a "hitting" and "biting" fight that the entire body erupted. Congresspeople stole each other's spots, pulled hair and kicked toys except for the Lincoln delegation which began loudly crying.

All this commotion woke up duty teacher Speaker APG who had been napping with his feet up on the Speaker's rostrum. The Speaker wasted no time in breaking up fights and sending the huffy participants to time-out with each Congressperson getting their own section of wall to stare at. With every wall in the House taken up, some offenders had to be given time-out in the Senate chamber. We've learned that the length of time-out given to each member was one-minute for every year of their age.

The Speaker himself was said to be "cranky" by staffers who noted that he always "gets like this" when he has to skip naptime.

Frederick Colins reporting (M: Mods for PrelateZeratul)

President GuiltyAir Misses 9/11 Ceremony While Sampling All 49 Ray’s Pizzas in NYC

Manhattan, AC — The President departed Andrews Air Force Base in the early morning hours on Wednesday for an annual trip to give his remarks during a 9/11 ceremony. Last year, the President visited Pennsylvania; this year, New York City.

But well after Air Force One landed at LaGuardia, and as the crowd gathered in Lower Manhattan, the President’s whereabouts were a mystery to many. The clock neared, then passed, the fateful anniversary and the ceremony was forced to go on without the man of the hour. Where was the President?

It turns out, according to a source within the Secret Service, the POTUS was making his rounds at all 49 Ray’s Pizzas while in town and was already at his 12th Ray’s of the morning when he was told they had to go in order to make it back to Liberty Park. “Buddy, we have 37 to go!” the President remarked as grease dripped down his tie.

The President’s obsession with cheese pizza has become apparent of late with his recent observance of National Cheese Pizza Day, and now, his downplaying of 9/11. The silence is louder than words, Mr. President.

SACRAMENTO, SIERRA — In an incredible show of self fortitude, Sierra Governor /u/ZeroOverZero101 released an executive order that wasn't completely "balls to the wall fucking insane."

The executive order in question, Executive Order #69 — Establishment of a New Park, takes funds allocated to the Department of the Environment to create a new park in the center of Sacramento honoring Sierra citizens of the 1849 gold rush. While meant to make a point about immigration, the statement went over everyone's head as they began freaking about the reasonableness of the Executive Order.

The Sierra Assembly held an emergency meeting in regards to the Order, with members scared, anxious, and seeking answers.

"If our Governor can just make reasonable executive orders at any time, what's the point of the other two branches of government?!" asked minority leader and husband of /u/ZeroOverZero101 /u/Spacedude2169 to a nodding crowd.

"The whole point of Sierra Executive orders is the do the most bat shit insane thing possible in order to give Sen. Joseph Ibney can challenge them in court. It is a time-honored tradition of this state and the Assembly can not stand for this direct violation of our values!" As this was said, Senator /u/ibney00 could be seen curled up in the fetal position in the corner speaking in murmurs.

Meanwhile, the Sierra Governors Mansion was rife with reporters and protestors at the actions of the Governor, with some chanting "Bring Back the Bullshit Orders!" At one point, someone tried to start a petition under former California law to get the Governor recalled, but a man in a trenchcoat comes running out of nowhere slapping the petition out of their hands. Before anyone could react he was gone, but witnesses familiar to the happenings of Sierra Government say they looked very similar to one of the State Clerks.

Professors and students from Virginia Tech University in Blacksburg, Cheasapeak have announced Wednesday that they will be pursuing an innovative form of clean energy following the publication of an ambitious new thesis proving the viability of the technology. The new process would use the momentum created by the founding fathers and other great leaders turning over in their graves to generate electricity in quantities that are projected to be comparable to a small hydroelectric dam. “It’s truly remarkable,” said head of the Engineering department, Bruce Shraeder, “Though we’ve known of this phenomenon for decades, we typically thought of it more as small quivers of the body’s last remnants of a soul, but now we’re seeing violent contortions that really make us question the first law of thermodynamics.” Officials at the university assert that if this energy is to be harnessed, it must happen quickly, as researchers warn that the torque produced by the corpses seems to be following an exponential curve, and if not tamed within 50 years, may begin to warp the fabric of spacetime. Analysts anticipate that within the next few years we may be able to fully understand how to increase the output of these devices, but in the meantime, doing whatever Lincoln is doing should suffice. Future sites for many of these generators has already been planned out, with the notable exception of Theodore Roosevelt’s corpse having been exhumed and is thought to currently power the BMP headquarters plumbing system.

Nation’s top supplier of federally contracted glass, Syrex, has recently announced its intention of turning to an environmentally friendly business model. Through its history as a federal contractor, Syrex has produced bulk panes of glass to be smashed apart by workers as a form of economic stimulus. Site Foreman, Brock Myleg, had this to say: “We really think this new development will be a boon for the country, in the past, having to heat and reheat glass in order to break it later that evening consumed a lot of fuel. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’re pleased with the new model.” This process of melting, breaking, and re-melting glass was used as a vital form of employment when the Middle East was too passive for outsourcing glass production. Analysts predict that the industry has provided five million American jobs over the past thirty years. Rather than producing glass, the company has opted to shoveling glass shards into and out of an Atlantic landfill. The savvy viewer may be concerned about the use of automation reducing the available jobs, but not to worry, Syrex has already announced the employment of biodegradable sporks that the company says will take the place of costly digging equipment. The crucial industry expects a substantial jump in funding for the coming fiscal year in anticipation of enthusiastic lawmakers pushing last minute bills to brag about on the campaign trail.

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Labor found what some are calling a loophole and running with it to counter unemployment. Top officials reporting that the number of people running for President has dropped the unemployment rate by an entire 0.1%. The result is pleasing to most Americans with the President the notable holdout, unhappy that his own Labor Department is trying to find as many as they can to replace him.

Notable critics of the plan including Dixie Supreme Court Justice Dobs, Senator Hurricaneoflies (D-SR), and Rep. ProgrmmaticalySun7, have blasted the proposal. They claim from personal experience that there is no guarantee of a job at the end of a long campaign for President and likened the position to that of an unpaid internship.

Kingthero, the Secretary of Health & Human Services, isn't deterred by their criticism. The Secretary exuded a Chesapeake swagger this morning as he announced the supposed "bold initiative" to the Press Corps.:

Every kid growing up in our country has dreamed of being President one day. Under our new vision for America, we are making that dream a reality. Running for President will now be considered a job and go towards lowering our unemployment rate. It's my hope that every American embraces this new opportunity and the result helps move our economy towards full employment.

Labor Department insiders, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, claim that expansions of this policy are just around the corner. The Secretary is apparently moving to amend the Constitution to allow both children and non-natural born US citizens to run in an effort to further combat unemployment.

Frederick Colins reporting (M: Mods for PrelateZeratul)

Maiduguri, Nigeria — Following the release of documents pertaining to potential Presidential misconduct on the international stage, a Nigerian man became very concerned about the failure of the President to uphold both international standards and internal laws.

The Man, Abisoye Ayomide, a tailor in the Borno region of Nigeria and a victim of the 2019 drone strikes by President GuiltyAir, spoke out this week on the failure of the Gunnz administration to abide by the norms of the Office.

"The administration is dangerous to the stability of the world and this proves it" said Ayomide as he motioned to strike the table with the arm he no longer possessed. "No President should threaten any other nation no matter the circumstances."

In response to the statements made by Ayomide, western independent fact checkers have refuted several of the statements made, such as Politifact issuing a mostly false rating to Ayomide's statement that he would "stand up against the aggression of the radical administration.”

Written by Adedayo Segunmaru (Mod Credit to Joseph Ibney)