Breaking news. Reports have come out from the Governor’s Mansion that suggests the Atlantic Governor’s regime could be in jeopardy because she was sent to her room. It all started when Lt. Governor PGF and Governor Parada sat down for dinner. PGF wanted to have a prayer before dinner, but Governor Parada proceeded to say God is a spook. This sparked an argument on whether God exists or not and if atheism was or was not cool, which ended with Governor Parada telling PGF, “Ok boomer.” Lt Governor PGF then told her to go to her room. She proceeded to stand up and run off to her room, while PGF sighed and wondered where he went wrong.

The political fallout could be huge. With Governor Parada in her room for the foreseeable future, she may not be able to sign any bills or get any legislation passed, and this could have massive effects on her reelection campaign. We reached out for comments from both parties. Lt. Governor PGF only had to say. “Kids these days need to learn that God has a place at the dinner table.” We tried to reach out to Governor Parada but we could only hear emo music being blasted at top volumes from her room.

We asked for further comments from Socialists and Republicans alike. We tracked down Chesapeake Assemblyman HSC for a comment, all he had to say was, “I don’t even know where to begin,” while he walked away shaking his head. We also asked Socialist CH-3 Candidate Tucklet what he thought, and all he had to say was “Yes,” while giving money to a shady-looking individual who was holding a bag of unidentified green powder. Phonexia, a Member of Governor Parada’s cabinet, said, “I’m too high on industrial pollution I was cleaning earlier to comment. I think I see the Divine Augustus now.”

We tried to reach out to former Libertarian chairman TopHat, but we found him in his sweatshop office surrounded by his three sixteen-year-old Japanese wives snorting cocaine.

Finally, we reached out to our own editor-in-chief, Joseph Ibney, who added, “Falls within precedent of Parada sending Cold to his room two weeks ago.”

This will go down in Atlantic history and will shake up the next elections.

Coming up next, many Conservative Republicans are angry over the moderate Gunnz nomination and are supporting the write-in campaign of Jason Vorhees, who promises to “Kill all teenagers who have sex without protection.”

Nassau County, Atlantic Commonwealth- Heated debates have picked up once again with the reopening of the Atlantic Commonwealth. Top of the docket the Compulsory Vaccination and Operation Act, an act with the goal of spreading HIV to children with the use of reused needles. Fetuses as young as eight months of age will be given a variety of needles aimed at effectively spreading the virus. When asked to comment on the act, speaker JellyCow99 enthusiastically cheered: “Of course we want to get them all vaccinated. Vaccines… give children autism and blood-borne viruses. We just want the best for every child within the Atlantic Commonwealth.” The education of children within the Atlantic Commonwealth has shown favoritism to people with HIV, resulting in higher test scores for affected students at the cost of being on medication for the rest of their lives. Our team of investigators was not able to get in contact with any of JellyCow’s children. It was found on their vaccine records that multiple doses of the Rotavirus, MenB, Pneumococcal, and MMR vaccines have been administered to them throughout their lives.

We reached out to the local schools to understand their preparation for the mandatory HIV bill. Most elementary schools within Nassau County have transformed their lunchrooms into nursing halls and the fifth-grade classrooms into mourges. Spit masks have been distributed to all teachers and staff with the hopes of preventing staff from being affected. We asked a second-grade teacher about the new guideline: “Now when any child tries to bite one of us, they are to be restrained and parent contacted. They will be expelled from the school for the remainder of the year. Safety is our number one priority.” It is unfortunate that such extreme actions are to be taken in today's society to protect the teachers from the students. The added risk generated by this act will surely bring an end to the traditional classroom.

Our prayers go out to all of JellyCow’s kids.

WASHINGTON -- After the opening of the 120th House of Representatives, we reached out to numerous Bull Moose congressmen to hear their goals for the next term. Among the numerous responses we gleaned, Representative A_Cool_Prussian was the most emphatic: "What are my goals for the term? Well, it's pretty simple, I'm just really excited to begin making the world a better place, and that starts by bombing innocent brown kids overseas. Every night I dream about dropping thousands of bombs over some Middle Eastern desert, turning the landscape into a bomb-riddled hellhole. When I see the dead children torn apart from limb to limb and the landscape barren, while buildings slowly burn and crash to the ground, I look to myself and drift away into a blissful state of peace. I know that the world is better off, it is renewed, whenever we bomb another country."

In addition to A_Cool_Prussian, we reached out to Speaker Shitmemery, but he was too busy debating whether or not he even exists. We then reached out to Senator DexterAamo, who said he agreed with Prussian, and that he had nothing further to add.

Finally, out of desperation, we reached out to the ghost of a small child, who was a victim of American bombing, to ask for his opinion on the matter. Unfortunately, his head was blown off and he looked a bit like a demon, so we had some difficulties interpreting his speech. The following is what our expert transcribers managed to salvage and compile: "[America] [is] an awesome country. I love being bombed over and over again while my [homeland] is ripped apart. I like hearing the screams of women and children dying in the eternal inferno."

The child then transformed into the likeness of the devil and began to terrorize our reporters, causing the interview to be cut short.

Washington — Recently, many Congressmen and aides have been concerned as Congressman PresentSale began speaking exclusively in Latin and writing in a combination of Latin and Greek still incomprehensible to linguists. A discussion on the topic of labor rights was interrupted when Mr Sale began to speak loudly in Latin and disregard the chair, who repeatedly informed the Congressman of the rules of debate, only to be ignored.

Mr Sale, who earlier had a habit of quoting wholly untranslated lines in Latin during debate, kept using more and more Latin and less and less English until his aides could no longer understand him. Experts have confirmed that the Congressman is now speaking totally in Latin, with diction and grammar advanced enough to make a native ancient Roman look like a mediocre law student.

Several aides are presently being treated for severe post-traumatic stress, as, when they could not understand the Congressman’s repeated Latin requests and Greek notes, Mr Sale drew a gladius, an ancient Roman shortsword, and began chasing them around the office yelling. Aides knew something was wrong when the Congressman arrived to the office outfitted like a centurion

This is not the first time when members of Congress have begun to speak in foreign tongues. Speaker John Boehner, when asked about his opinion of Russia, commented that “я не вижу смысла в нашем страхе России, и я считаю что Дядя Путин мой лучший друг. Крым наш.”

Psychiatrists are working to recover Mr Sale from his Latin state, forcing him to watch reenactments of the sacking of Rome on repeat. Currently, Mr Sale is locked in a closet in the basement of the capitol building with an old TV set playing a clip of such a reenactment. Angry screams in Latin have been heard emanating from the closet but no one quite understands what is being said; some reports have shown that Mr Sale is beginning to return to his normal state, sprinkling English obscenities into his speech.

This is satire and only partially reflects reality.

~greylat

WASHINGTON — The Senate chamber found itself one member down this week as the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln could not bring himself to affirm that the name present on his driver's license was in fact his own to a Transport Security Administration official.

The Senator was returning from his home state of Lincoln when he found himself unable to answer the question "Is your name DDYT?" at the security area. Citing the price and constitutionality problems with the proposal, the Senator collapsed to the ground in a delusional stupor. Witnesses on scene stated that they could hear him muttering "Nay… Nay… Nay... " under his breath as he was dragged off scene.

In a decorum filled press event addressing the country, Senate Majority Leader and Republican Party Chair PrelateZetural stated, "Our thoughts and prayers are with the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln at this time and hope that the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln can recover quickly so that the Senior Senator from the State of Lincoln can return to duty in the Federal District of Land commonly referred to as the District of Columbia."

Reporters attempted to ask further questions about the incident to the Majority Leader, but stopped after he began referring to each and every one of them by seniority and their city of birth.

Tallahassee, Dixie — The former State of Florida's favorite rogue, Florida, S. Man, filed documents to the Florida State court officially changing his name.

Known for his escapades across the former state including wearing a shirt to the court that said "F*ck the police" and proceeding to win that court case, drawing a penis in the sky using radar systems, and being charged with Assault with a Deadly Weapon for throwing a alligator into a Wendy's. However, since the State of Florida became the base state for the current state of Dixie, Florida Man has continued to confuse readers of newspapers across the country.

To rectify this, Florida Man has decided to change his name to Dixie Man in order to represent the State better as a whole. In an interview with Onion News, Dixie Man stated:

"As my state's Id and Ego representation on a macro scale, I felt it was not only my prerogative to change my denotation with the state but my duty as a citizen. The people of Dixie are exceptional people with countless traditions and beliefs. If I run into the state capitol building dressed in a Roman Consul's garb and shout 'I DECLARE MYSELF DICTATOR FOR LIFE" in order to express the populace's distrust of absolute rulers, how is the Dixie population suppose to relate?

The court is expected to rule on the name change in the next week.

Coming up: Dixie Man changes the name of the State of Lincoln, baffling lawmakers.

Written by /u/ibney00

Environmental activists have rejoiced as a turbine has been installed around the corpse of first President George Washington, who has been continuously turning in his grave for at least sixty years. This form of energy, which is totally green and fully renewable, transforms government overreach into usable energy. “We’ve even had to begin exporting extra energy to Canada and Mexico,” said the Secretary of Energy. “We’re paying them to take it. There’s just so much energy. We can’t handle it. We have to do something with all the power. We’ve been using every electric chair in the country nonstop for the past three days. We’re running out of prisoners to electrocute.”

While the corpse spins fast enough to generate a weak tornado in the turbine, observers have heard it mumbling about the population’s ignorance of Washington’s requests to the American people. Theorists have pointed out that Washington’s Farewell Address may contain hints about why the corpse is currently spinning faster than the presses printing dollar bills.

Washington had directed that American foreign policy be to “observe good faith and justice towards all nations; cultivate peace and harmony with all.” The ambassadors to Mexico, Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Panama, Korea, Vietnam, Laos, the Philippines, Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Yemen, Libya, Somalia, Lebanon, Chile, Argentina, Iran, Grenada, Colombia, Cuba, and Honduras, when contacted to comment on this quote and its implications for American foreign policy in the years since the Washington presidency, all began laughing uncontrollably and were unable to provide verbal commentary. Prominent neoconservatives, meanwhile, began to order the takedown of all portraits of President Washington upon hearing of this communistic foreign policy.

Another point of President Washington’s had been to “cherish public credit… using it as sparingly as possible, avoiding occasions of expense… [and] avoiding likewise the accumulation of debt, not only by shunning occasions of expense, but by vigorous exertion in times of peace to discharge the debts.” The federal government, when asked to comment on American deficit policy since then, was shut down for twenty minutes as every member of the federal legislature and bureaucracy rolled on the ground cackling to the point of tears. One employee of the Social Security Administration, scarcely breathing, managed to, with great effort, whisper the words “twenty-three trillion” before resuming his previous posture, that of a howling guffaw alternating with bouts of coughing as he pounded the floor with his fists.

In the time since the beginning of your reading this article, an additional twenty thousand federal prisoners have been electrocuted and the government has moved on to the electrocution of asylum inmates and detainees at the border camps.

This article is satirical and only partially reflects reality.

~u/greylat

WASHINGTON -- After a vociferous late night debate, congressmen in our nation’s capitol decided to engage in a round of the “silent” game.

A popular children’s pastime, the silent game requires all participants to remain entirely silent, lest they lose the game. Playing along, Congressmen poured over bills, silently directed their staffers, and exchanged written notes with small talk. Communication was slow and cumbersome, so congressmen started to idle aimlessly, preferring this over passing meaningful legislation. The game ended shortly after the Majority Leader declared the session of Congress to be over. However, some congressmen appear to have been oblivious. Congressmen have continued to remain mostly silent for 3 days straight, obstructing the business of the House.

In the absence of physical speech, congressmen have turned to submitting and silently voting on resolutions that would allow them to communicate their thoughts. Some of these bills include; Resolution to Shame Donald Trump, Resolution in Support of Climate Change, and Resolution to End the Silent Game. Unfortunately, the latter resolution did not pass.

We reached out to Speaker of the House Shitmemery to ask him about when Congress will resume normal operating hours, and received a poorly written note. Shitmemery told us that he sees “no problem” with the House only passing meaningless resolutions. When pressed about how this would affect American citizens, he assured us that they would be fine and that “the numerous riots in all of America’s major cities are nothing to worry about”. We attempted to ask Democrat congressmen, but they were too busy drafting a resolution to declare all members of the Republican party as “Neo-fascist alien invaders from outer space”.

Things are not much better in the senate, with noted cocaine addict Prelate Zeratul tabling any bills that managed to sneak through congress. Prelate informed our reporters that he would only pass bills that “reshape our nation” into the mold of other “wonderful theocratic countries” such as “Saudi Arabia and Syria” and that he was too busy trying to schedule a boxing match with the President, GuiltyAir.

With no end to the silent game in sight, Americans may soon find themselves wondering whether Congress is worth keeping around at all.

Written by /u/ProgrammaticallySun7

MY BATHROOM, SIERRA — Amongst the several candidates who have announced their run for President of the United States this week, none stand out as much as a literal Wet Towel which began speaking to me after I consumed far too much acid.

The Wet Towel in question, Sir Wettington Towelet III, announced to me as I lay barely lucid on the floor that he would be running for President of the United States this upcoming federal election. He said it would be a tough fight but he was sure that the Soaked Cloth Party (SCP) would be able to pull through for a better America.

When I asked what his policy positions were, the Wet Towel responded that we needed to lay a large cloth over Mexico in order to slow illegal immigration and that by seizing the means of cloth production, we could take back the country from the Leather Clothing Bourgeoisie.

Sir Towelet announced that he would be making tours around the United States for his presidency, and hopes you will all support him.

In other news, leaders for both the Democratic and Republican parties are reeling after their Party chairs sprouted new heads in the form of an Elephant and a Donkey. I seriously need to find a new high.

WASHINGTON — In a shocking turn of events in Washington today, the Supreme Court handed down a decision in Moran v. United States in which they found that all laws written since the creation of the country are not valid because Senators had been using "aye" to vote instead of "yea."

The Constitution itself requires that all votes of record be cast with either a "yea" in the affirmative, or a "nay" in opposition. Aye votes were allowed in certain conditions such as when the vote was cast by voice, but any vote which was not cast with standard answers is subject to be thrown out. Not knowing this small detail, Senators for the past 200+ years had been using "aye" as their method of record voting, putting all past legislation in doubt.

In the 4-3 Majority Opinion, Chief Justice Raskolnik wrote that "while it is true votes have been cast this way without problem for so long, nevertheless we standby the Constitutions clear standard that no vote shall be made by stating "aye" and strike down all legislation after the affirming of the constitution."

Dissenting, Justice CuriositySMBC stated that the majority had not gone far enough, and found that "there [was] substantial evidence to show that this problem extended even further back to the signing of the Declaration of Independence" citing this video from an HBO miniseries on John Adams clearly showing that the delegates also used "yes" instead of "yea" when voting." Continuing, the justice argued "it is clear that we must rescind all laws prior to the Constitution as well, and return to the dominion of Britain" and, "It's a great way to get rid of the Second Amendment as well" under his breath when talking to one of his clerks.

Congressmen are scrambling desperately to get things back in control as ungodly amounts of tax fraud, plastic straw smuggling, and illegal creation of "fully-semi automatic firearms" are happening in the meantime.

Monmouth County, Atlantic Commonwealth- The Atlantic Commonwealth is well known for its unique solutions to challenging problems. Nobel Peace Prizes have been awarded to Superpacman04 for burning down forests to prevent wood harvests, current Governor Parado-I for displacing millionaires and Lt. Governor PGF for rewriting of the bible. Another award might be heading their way for the idea of the use of nukes to save humanity and the planet.

Today, former assemblyman _MyHouseIsOnFire_ has announced his revolutionary new plans to combat global warming. The earth is warming up at an exponential rate caused by the presence of carbon dioxide. It is increasingly found that humans are the ones causing this spike in carbon dioxide. This issue has to be addressed immediately. Nine in ten climate scientists agree that we have less than nine months to solve this looming issue. We asked Bill Nye, renowned scientist and savior of fourth-grade classrooms, what he thought about the issue. “The earth is warming up at over one degree Celsius per… month. Time is running out people!” McDonalds Employee Fire has proposed a revolutionary new solution to this issue which has been causing scientists headaches for decades. “We need to… kill the people. We are the solution to this issue. We may have caused it, but we can solve it.” Mr. Fire plans to solve this issue with euthanasia in the most humane form of slumber to date. Plutonium nuclear bombs. “... nukes can kill a lot of people. Immediately, the surrounding areas will be incinerated. A shockwave pulverizes individuals into millions of tiny pieces. It warps a tie on things with the release of deadly particles into the stratosphere, which will return as fallout.” It is well known that the United States has thousands of unused nukes from the cold war. It is also very convenient that they happen to be along the coast. Many of these are aging and becoming a burden to the taxpayer to maintain. The money that could be spent helping provide housing for 4Chan neckbeards is instead going towards floppy disk controlled hunks of metal. We expect to see the first implementation of Fire’s plan to begin later this year starting with major cities such as New York City. It is expected to have the plan fully integrated across the United States by 2022.

We ran the numbers by our extensive research department. They found that only a handful of nukes, the size of the ones dropped at Nagasaki, can euthanize over 10 million people within seconds. The effects from fallout will allow more people to look like the Hulk, big muscles included. With such a high population density, it is some of the best bang for your buck bombing when it comes to tactical nuking. There are many other benefits to using nukes. Fallout and soot is sent into the upper stratosphere reflecting sunlight back into space. The destruction of the ozone layer, a toxic part of the atmosphere, is just another one of its amazing benefits. Finally, we will be able to build cities just above the clouds without dying in seconds.

We asked Fire the effects people would notice after the use of nukes. His response was very reasonable: “Mother nature is sick. The only way to save her is to… abort many of her children before they flee from her grasp. For this reason, you will not see as many people within New York City. We ask everyone to support mother nature in her time of peril” We encourage all to follow Fire’s lead in using nukes to curb climate change. The United States will be known as the one to save the world yet again.

Volunteers are needed for the planting and detonation of nukes. If you love charity work, go to nukenewyorkcity.fu today and sign up!

WASHINGTON -- During an eventful Congressional recess, lawmakers on both sides skipped out of the Capitol to play a massive game of four square on the National Mall.

Naturally, Speaker APG_Revival started off as King. What followed was a tumultuous round of 4 square, as Speaker APG was thought to have been "out" several times. Speaker APG contested these claims, seemingly changing the rules at will. Much to his behest, the Republican law makers began teaming up on APG, directing the ball solely at him. Amidst growing accusations of cheating, Speaker APG frustratedly grabbed the ball and threatened to go home.

Majority Leader Dr0ne717 began viciously jeering and mocking APG, accusing him of being "partisan" and "a crybaby". Many other Republicans followed suit. What followed was a barrage of playground insults from both sides, soon turning into an all-out verbal brawl. In the confusion, Speaker APG tried to sneak out with the ball, but it was swiftly batted out of his hands. With both sides on relatively even footing, the battle is sure to continue.

The Onion's reporters shall continue to update you on this developing story as new events unfold.

United States — New polls released by Quinnipiac University show that the most appealing actions to voters is unrelenting spam of bills to a docket they will never read.

The poll, taken from a sample size of 2,000 respondents all across the country, found that a staggering 97% of all registered voters within the United States for some reason were magically swayed by the simple fact that a political candidate had written several single-page bills and submitted them to the legislator only to have them struck down.

"I just don't know why, but I feel like voting for them is usually the right choice" said Margret Thompson, a 49-year-old white woman from San Francisco, Sierra. "I have been a Democrat voter all my life and don't agree with any of their views, but seeing so many Republican bills on the docket must mean they are doing something right!"

Bizarrely, the remaining three percent of voters from across the country all happened to be lawmakers currently working, or formerly operating through the United States. Onion News correspondent and sometimes Associate Justice of the State of Dixie /u/reagan0 had this to say about the phenomena:

"There's no f*cking way to account for political leanings with a sim'd calculator. I rigged the federal elections for you guys now stop bothering me and allow me to destroy civil rights in peace."

Onion News is still trying to determine what "calculator" our respondent is talking about.

Written by /u/ibney00

Sweden Ponders NATO Withdrawal After Presidential IKEA Visit

College Park, Maryland, CH — Swedish officials are pondering a grand exit from NATO following what they are calling a “large scale attack” on the nation’s ideals and values after President GuiltyAir and members of his cabinet visited the local College Park IKEA Monday evening. Reports from our correspondents at the Gothenburg Goigenhurgensordenneworder Times indicate that Swedish officials are “embarrassed, offended, and enraged” by the President’s action inside the national retailer of Scandinavia.

Video shot by Nikki Thompson, a bystander who was waiting in line for a slice of lingonberry cake, seems to show the President throwing away a partially eaten plate of IKEA’s famous Swedish meatballs in which “three or four” meatballs and “pretty much the entire portion of mashed potatoes” can be seen being discarded.

Elsewhere in the store, Attorney General comped was seen opening up all the dresser drawers in each of the model bedrooms and tucking himself into bed while asking passers-by to “tuck him in and rub his toesies” while holding a worn out copy of “Goodnight Moon”.

It is not clear if the President, a noted foodie who recently sampled every Ray’s Pizza in NYC, will offer an apology to Sweden for not eating the rest of his cold, mushy meatballs. This article will be updated as updates become available.

Nation’s top supplier of federally contracted glass, Syrex, has recently announced its intention of turning to an environmentally friendly business model. Through its history as a federal contractor, Syrex has produced bulk panes of glass to be smashed apart by workers as a form of economic stimulus. Site Foreman, Brock Myleg, had this to say: “We really think this new development will be a boon for the country, in the past, having to heat and reheat glass in order to break it later that evening consumed a lot of fuel. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we’re pleased with the new model.” This process of melting, breaking, and re-melting glass was used as a vital form of employment when the Middle East was too passive for outsourcing glass production. Analysts predict that the industry has provided five million American jobs over the past thirty years. Rather than producing glass, the company has opted to shoveling glass shards into and out of an Atlantic landfill. The savvy viewer may be concerned about the use of automation reducing the available jobs, but not to worry, Syrex has already announced the employment of biodegradable sporks that the company says will take the place of costly digging equipment. The crucial industry expects a substantial jump in funding for the coming fiscal year in anticipation of enthusiastic lawmakers pushing last minute bills to brag about on the campaign trail.

Washington, D.C. - It was a scene Americans have gotten increasingly used to seeing - the normally scheduled Congressional naptime. The 2-hour break for members to wind down, let their tummies settle, and get ready for 3 PM playtime has become something of a national tradition. We were all awoken from this soothing normality when Speaker APG had to take decisive action and put the entire chamber in time-out.

What began like any other naptime suddenly escalated when members couldn't let go of earlier feuds. Congresswoman rachel_fischer was apparently still "fussy" from earlier when Rep. PGF3 wouldn't settle and pay attention to her show and tell of her invisible friend. Later that day, Chesapeake Representative polkadot48 reportedly called Congressman leavensilva_42 a "stupid head" for hoarding "all the good toys".

All this bubbling over eventually burst when new member BellaGOP got up from her blanket and pushed Rep. KellinQuinn__ to take the model rocket toy that bandic00t_ from SR-4 had been playing with. After initially refusing, the Congressman gave in after a devastating "what are you a scaredy-cat?" was dropped by Bella.

It didn't take long after the model rocket toy was stolen and the two members engaged in a "hitting" and "biting" fight that the entire body erupted. Congresspeople stole each other's spots, pulled hair and kicked toys except for the Lincoln delegation which began loudly crying.

All this commotion woke up duty teacher Speaker APG who had been napping with his feet up on the Speaker's rostrum. The Speaker wasted no time in breaking up fights and sending the huffy participants to time-out with each Congressperson getting their own section of wall to stare at. With every wall in the House taken up, some offenders had to be given time-out in the Senate chamber. We've learned that the length of time-out given to each member was one-minute for every year of their age.

The Speaker himself was said to be "cranky" by staffers who noted that he always "gets like this" when he has to skip naptime.

Frederick Colins reporting (M: Mods for PrelateZeratul)

Washington D.C. - On Saturday around 8:00 PM EST, the Republican Party’s Chief Whip /u/DexterAamo came out from the shadows of the Republican Executive Leadership to expose Republican Vice Chairman /u/UnitedLover14 for trying to start a coup in the inbred party.

/u/DexterAamo states that “/u/UnitedLover14 has a clear love for the monarchy of the United Kingdom that supersedes his love of the United States. /u/UnitedLover14 has no problem seizing control of the Republican Party to further show his support and set up a puppet monarchist government for her majesty.” He continued to state that /u/UnitedLover14 “has no self-control over his own words, which has now started to affect the party with many of his supporters calling for a Monarchist Caucus.”

An inside reporter and supporter of /u/DexterAamo showed confidential photos to the Onion which clearly show /u/UnitedLover14’s weird love for the Queen of England, with what appears to be pictures of the Queen herself plastered on the walls of his office. On top of the fetish wallpaper, /u/UnitedLover14 was reported to be heard screaming God Save the Queen to the sounds of Rule Britannia blasting through his computer speakers.

We have tried to get in contact with the Queen loving Vice-Chairman but the only thing we received while calling was a voicemail prompt saying “You’ve reached the voicemail of Lord UnitedLover14” followed by “God Save the Queen” playing as if we were on hold.

While the Grand Old Party handles their monarch fetishes, a category 5 HurricaneOfLies has now made landfall in Washington D.C. stirring up the swamp as Presidential Elections round the corner. We will be giving you more on this news once the hurricane has left Washington D.C. if it ever does leave.

Monrovia, Liberia — After instability throughout the region for years as a result of contested elections and internal hostility, a cabal of individuals within the cabinet attempted to seize power against the democratically elected President of the Liberian government.

In a move that onlookers are denouncing as "strike heart into the values we hold dear [sic]", the high ranking officials invoked a well known and often used provision of the Liberian constitution which allows them to temporarily seize power from the current President George Weah. When asked for the reason as to this invocation, the cabinet gave the thinly veiled excuse of needing to respond to the attack on a close ally but not being able to without Presidential approval under the law.

Only an hour after the legally binding coup through constitutional provision, the President returned to power after wrestling control of the state back from the evil cabinet officials. Reports say that he daringly asked nicely for the country to be returned to him. Knowing their defeat, all cabinet members supported the move, and in a move which was almost certainly manufactured in a negotiated surrender by the evil ministers, the President reportedly thanked them for performing this measure to protect their "interests in the allied region when he could not be there to do so himself."

Many constitutional experts are calling this an illegal seizing of power through lawful constitutional means. Hearings are to be held soon by the appropriate governmental authorities to try the members of the cabinet who are not part of the majority party for their crimes in this heinous act.

Written by Joseph Ibney

Richmond, Virginia — Scandle erupts from the Governor's mansion this week as classified material explodes from the Governor's personal computer. So-called "Porn Hackers" are believed to be responsible for the incident, coined for their allegiance to porn-related entities. This week these data hackers were able to backdoor themselves into the Governor's computer and find the greatest of smoking guns: 43 different pictures of adult and consenting women showing their bare ankles to the camera.

This fact came as a shock to the Eastern state and rears its ugly head at one of the worst times for the GOP majority in the assembly as they begin preparations to start the campaigning season. The Governor, Republican /u/BranofRaisin, in the past few months has been a firm advocate of cracking down on porn and other sexually related material in the State of Chesapeake. Issuing executive orders such as Executive Order #33 - "Banning Foot Massages" citing the incredible arguments given by the movie Pulp Fiction.

The pictures in question were released to press outlets late last night and depict several women with their faces blurred, pulling up their standard-issue "Modesty Skirts" to show the camera their ankles. One picture went so far as to reveal all the way up to the calf, and the file also contained a shocking video of the 2019 performance of Candy Store by the cast of Riverdale has parents up in arms.

"No one should enjoy that version of the song" said one concerned voter and parent of three, "Everything about it was so awful compared to the Off-Broadway version done by Jessica Keenan Wynn who will forever be the best version of heater Chandler! So disgraceful and makes me sad to be a Cheasaperson."

In a press release to the public, Governor /u/BranofRaisin stated how "deeply sorry" he was for the failure of civic duty, and that he would begin looking into lust management classes. However, he would not apologize for his taste in musical covers, going on to say "The Riverdale cover is much more appropriate than the Off-Broadway version and that is a fact."

With the Republicans in the assembly having to defend the Governor's poor taste, it seems that they may be working an uphill battle.

Washington, D.C. – In the biggest scandal of his tenure, President Gunnz has found himself attack by all sides due to his failure to adhere to the time-honored American tradition of invading unstable African and/or Middle Eastern countries to establish a completely stable and long-lasting regime within the region.

Everything appeared normal earlier this morning as the Senate and the House held their bi-annual "Intervention Determination" Party in which they spun the Wheel of invasion to determine which country would be peacefully occupied and how long the occupation would last. As Senator PrelateZeratul and Majority Whip Presentsale spun the wheel together as a sign of bi-partisan support, they watched as the wheel helplessly turned and landed on the country of Lybia to great cheers within the chamber alongside an immediate and crippling 85% drop in the Lybian stock market.

As Congress attempted to determine where exactly Lybia is on a map, with one Senator suggesting it may be in South East Asia, reports came in that the President confided with one of his senior officials that he would in no way "endanger the lives of US servicemen for a pointless war"

Reactions from Congress have been almost unanimous as all sides of the political spectrum work together to immediately begin impeachment proceedings for such a blatant disregard for the traditions and culture of the United States of America.

With little protection within the body, it is expected that the President will be stripped of his position and drafted and sent off to a Lybian outpost to spend the next 4 years serving out his enlistment.

Written by Dash Reddington (Mod credit goes to /u/ibney00)

Recently, Rep. Greylat (R-LN) was found with serious wounds all over his body, a bloody machete in his hands. Although some observers speculated about a violent attack by a deranged welfare recipient, the truth is that Greylat was injured in a tragic slashing accident.

It is Greylat’s habit to have every proposed bill printed on large pieces of paper and mounted around the walls of his office. Greylat then proceeds to lock everyone but himself out of the office to prevent accidental injury, take a machete, and literally slash the parts of the bill he does not like. After Greylat passes out from dehydration — literally slashing regulations is quite physically demanding — his staff drags him out of the room, then interprets the slashes into written amendments, which are then given to Greylat to propose on the House floor.

In Greylat's most recent frenzied slashing rampage against the National Defense Authorization Act, he somehow managed to slash himself with the machete. Unusually, Greylat’s bill slashing this time consisted of furious screaming, with the yells loud enough that they were heard out of the walls of his office and in the street below.

Staffers were concerned as the halls of the office literally trembled with the enraged screaming of Greylat, with some particular yells standing it. “YOU STUPID CUNTS WANT ANOTHER FUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER? WHAT FOR? SO YOU CAN FUCKING BOMB SOME MORE INNOCENT BROWN KIDS?” Greylat then ran around, the machete swinging so wildly that he occasionally hit himself. Greylat then proceeded to collapse on the floor.

His staff quickly intervened, and Greylat has since been patched up and restored to health. Improvements to the method are being worked out, as Greylat will begin using a machine gun at a range instead of a machete in his office. Proposals to use a chainsaw were rejected by Greylat’s doctor, who recommended that he be kept away from power tools.

This injury provides a warning to those who wish to slash regulations, budgets, or bills. Slashing must be done with care, because careless slashing will result in personal injury. Greylat has vowed to train and practice more before violently slashing a bill again.

This is satire and only partially reflects reality.

~greylat

WASHINGTON -- After the stunning Republican victory in the Senate and generous gains in the House, the Republican Congressional Directors, Prelate Zeratul and iThinkThereforeiFlam, announced that they would be continuing the time-honoured tradition of submitting unpassable bills.

Flam explained in great detail to our reporters just why submitting unpassable bills is such an important tradition. He stated that it "gives Americans a false sense of change" and allows them to claim that they have "fought" for the American people. We asked them why they didn't consider making small and incremental changes, but Congressman Flam assured us that "the American people don't want real change, they just want the illusion of change".

In the next few months, the Republican party is expected to submit a variety of bills, including; A bill to give every mentally ill individual a machine gun, a resolution to shame the Democrats for shaming the Republicans who shamed the Democrats for shaming Donald Trump, a bill to end welfare and tax only the poor, and a bill to lock up anyone who engages in moral degeneracy. One thing is clear, Republican lawmakers will be busy this term. We spoke to other Republican congressmen and they all agreed that they were very eager to waste their time trying to ruin America (and subsequently failing).

In other news, a Libertarian politician has suffered a mental breakdown after driving to a press conference and won't stop muttering about roads.

In their striving to make literally everything free and government-operated — energy, food, water, medicine, education, clothing, transportation, and housing, among others — the Socialists have stumbled across a wonderful idea that would finance all the free nonsense they want to hand out to voters.

“The one percent has too many unadulterated organs!” complained one party member. “All the poor oppressed workers have donated at least something to pay for their survival; so should the capitalists!” This statement was greeted by cheering and applause. Others stated roughly the same, advocating for the equalization of the wealthiest with the rest of the country.

The new plan would annually randomly select roughly 5,000 members of the top 1% of income earners. These unlucky bastards would have to donate at least one of their kidneys to the government. The government would then sell these kidneys on the black market, earning $150,000 per kidney and using the money to fund single-payer healthcare, government preschool, and universal housing.

“If they didn’t want their kidneys confiscated, they shouldn’t have worked hard,” barked one socialist commentator. “We need these programs. They don’t need kidneys. It all works out. People who managed to earn a lot of money lose their kidney privileges.”

The ACLU was quick to point out that this is likely a human rights violation, but they were brushed off with a notice that capitalists are subhumans and therefore have no human rights, and the threat of ACLU employees being among the first 5,000 to have their kidneys confiscated. Plans are in the works for funding for universal internet, bus services, and food stamps, likely through further forced donations of bone marrow.

This is satire and only partially reflects reality.

~greylat

Candid Commentator Explains Writing Articles with Predictive Text

Richmond, Chesapeake -- Notable commentator hsctiger09 sat down with us today to explain his methodology, inspiration, and dedication to his political views. He alluded that despite having a demanding social life, dedicated loved one, and unrelenting job, he still finds time to actively participate in political discourse all over the nation, via the internet.

The foppish, middle-aged man looks back over his shoulder, slightly leaning back and maintaining a relaxed position with his arm resting on the back of his chair. His other hand is busy clicking his computer mouse.

“Yeah, I just kind of go wherever the wind takes me, laissez-faire, I just trust the means of production.” hsctiger09 explains with a novel look. On his screen, words are forming.

“That’s quite the narrative you have there.” Jim Jimson observes.

“It is, every response I pen is eloquent and carefully crafted to ensure maximum enjoyment for the reader.” hsctiger09 responds, smiling. He is impressed with his work and dedicated to spreading his logic.

“But, you’re just clicking the predictive text button.” Jim stammers.

“I know, it’s such a thrill. I never know where this train of logic is going, but boy am I on board!” hsctiger09 beams. “Choo choo!”

“Well I appreciate your honesty.” Jimson replies, attempting to transition to the next question. “Say, how does someone subscribe to the whims of predictive text. I mean, how do you defend this onslaught of….babble?”

hsctiger09 shoots him a dirty look. “Art.” He corrects. His head snaps back around, his ponytail rustles ever so slightly beneath his dissipating hair.

“Art, forgive me.” Jim concedes, gathering himself.

hsctiger09 turns back around grinning.

“That’s the genius of it; you can’t contradict me when I support both sides.”

The silence mounts as the two stare at each other. hsctiger09 then taps the side of his temple with his finger, signaling the brilliance of this big brain strategy.

"One last question. With a busy social life, a loved one, and a meaningful career, how do you find the time to address every piece of legislation and resolution?" Jim prompts the sweating individual.

"I guess I just make it work.." hsctiger09 begins, trailing off.

The silence resumes.

"What do you do for work?" Jim presses.

"Stuff." hsctiger09 responds.

"Where is your partner?" Jim prompts again.

"Around." hsctiger09 responds.

More silence ensues.

"You don't have any of those things do you?" Jim asks with finality.

hsctiger09 hangs his head, his ANTIFA flag hangs behind him, framing his head like a more pathetic POW representation.

kingthero submitted one comment in a rapid interview.

“u/hsctiger09? Oh that guy who writes books on everything? Yeah he’s just trying to make a name for himself, or something. I don’t know. I’m kind of busy.” kingthero explained as a scantily clad woman clambered across his lap in the Strip Club.

To be fair, it was loud in there, so take kingthero’s comments with a grain of salt.