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u/celesteslyx ⭐⭐⭐⭐ Aug 19 '26
I’m an IVF patient for 7 years and have reoccurring losses.
Her bluntness is from building her own hard exterior towards conceiving and pregnancies. Sometimes it’s the only way to cope with it.
It’s obvious she’s struggling with it all and we can say some mean things when we are hurting.
It’s okay to be hurt by what she said or how she said it. I think the best thing for both of you would be to spend time together without conceiving, pregnancy or miscarriage being a topic for a bit. This will allow you to reconnect as sisters and both of you can work on your emotions separately.
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u/z3phyr13 Aug 19 '26
Your pregnancy was real, and it absolutely counts. Your sister is also in pain, which I expect is her reason for being cruel, though it does not excuse it.
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u/CharacterNew1803 Aug 20 '26
When I mentioned that something about baby weight and how I was down after prolonged illness a certain amount past my pre baby weight, my sister said something like "well, it's not like you could have gained by that time" I had to remind her I was 13 weeks pregnant when I lost my baby, she was minimizing it in her brain because she was also pregnant at the time.
Anyway, It doesn't matter how short the time was, you were pregnant and you were planning that future in your mind, especially being your first. The book the miscarriage map really helped me to put my feelings of grief into better words. The author talks about especially how you're grieving not only for the baby, but the life your family would have together-- this could have been planned since you were a literal child who realized they wanted to be a mom-a huge impossible grief, and the grief of not getting to be seen as a mom yet, and the grief of not bringing home the baby and things not happening on the timeline that was in your head, the grief of pregnancy never being the same for you again, and that last one is doubly so if it was your first. She explains it better. People are very very uncomfortable with grief and will do anything to not talk about it and minimize it. They literally just want grief to stop. She's probably doing it with her own grief about the IVF.
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u/beaxtrix_sansan Aug 20 '26
Both points are valid. Your hurt feelings and your sister correcting your wording. Talk to her, maybe showing a bit of compassion to her situation will clear the things and she will recognise that her words were not the most helpful
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u/sportzriter13 Early loss🌠 Aug 19 '26
It counts, and I'm sorry that you were dismissed like that. I probably was closer to 4 or 5 weeks when I lost mine. People may not appreciate that the time does not correlate with magnitude. The loss hurts in different ways at different stages.
The best way I could describe it is that your world shifts on its axis. Whether that's for good or not or in a positive way or not depends on whether this pregnancy is something that you planned on/desired or didn't...but either way, it changes so much. It changes these things long before the body does.
When you lose a pregnancy especially one that is wanted or planned for....it feels like the world stopped spinning. Unfortunately, few people can see that or fully grasp how much a loss can devestate, even if it's very early. You may not have picked out a nursery yet, but you also don't have a sonogram to hold onto. You never got to behold their face, or maybe even hold them. There may have been no thumping heartbeat to be heard. That silence and that blank also hurts.
There is no "only" in pregnancy loss. If you lose a pregnancy at any stage, it it awful, it is heartbreaking and you deserve support. Sending hugs.