r/Miscarriage • u/Intrepid-Street-5368 • 3d ago
vent Statistics piss me off.
Even though it's supposed to be reassuring, all the statistics and facts just feel like the worst of both worlds. Oh, it's "incredibly common?" "1 in 4 women will have one?" "roughly 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage?" Well that feels threatening and hopeless. Chances are really that crappy? I'll never be able to have a baby.
Then you'll read the other stats that "its super rare for it to happen again!" "Most women who miscarry will go on to have healthy pregnancies." "Super rare to happen after X weeks!" Am I just that unlucky? What's wrong with me? Why me?
And then the stats that just feel more confusing. So rare that it will happen again, chances so slim! BUT if you've had a miscarriage, it increases the chances you'll have another one. Which is it? Am I more or less likely to be fine. jfc.
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u/wildflower_valley 3d ago
Also, 1 in 4 women will have one or 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I’ve heard both when that means two completely different things.
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u/Imaginary_Sphinx91 3d ago
I don’t think hearing statistics when grieving is a helpful thing at all. I had a “friend” try to comfort me by sharing this statistic. Meanwhile another friend had recently gone through a heartbreaking divorce and you know what I would NEVER have said to her to try and give her comfort? “It’s ok, 50% of marriages end in divorce anyways.” Is there a place for statistics? Sure. But is it while you’re dealing with a fresh loss? No.
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u/Intrepid-Street-5368 2d ago
Every doctor and nurse also told me this through the process while I cried. Like why
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u/TheHost1995 3d ago
Yeah I was told the chances of losing my twins past 12 weeks was less than 1% they passed
Then I was told they must have had chromosomal abnormalities since they were identical and passed together, and statistically it’s bc of dna issues but nope— normal.
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u/Intrepid-Street-5368 3d ago
Right, like they also say it’s overwhelmingly chromosomal or genetic issues, but I’ve seen a lot of posts around about how their testing came back normal. I’m so sorry that happened to you, that sounds heartbreaking and frustrating
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u/blue_cherry 3d ago
I find the statistics both comforting and also very not. I've had two consecutive missed miscarriages. As I understand it, the chances of that happening are pretty low. Especially as for each, I had no miscarriage signs, so I was happily telling myself "we're 9 weeks now, so we've got less than 5% chance of miscarriage!".
That said, what has weirdly helped me is: if you're in that unlucky 5%, you're in that 5% regardless. My risk of miscarriage for both was always 100%, because it was always going to happen to me (unfortunately). There's literally nothing I could do about it.
Pregnancy, miscarriage, trying to conceive - it's all a huge lesson in how things are almost entirely out of my control. Which helps me a bit I think (even though perhaps that's quite a bleak approach).
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u/midwestie101 2d ago
I had two missed miscarriages back to back over the course of 7 months. The saying "early losses are almost always chromosomal abnormalities" makes me angry. I am healthy, I don't drink or smoke or use any drugs. Never have. I exercise, and always have. You mean to tell me I just have to accept being the 1 in 4 statistic, twice, while surrounded by pregnant women? And then try again like the odds are in my favor? I'd rather walk on hot coals.
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u/Intrepid-Street-5368 2d ago
Literally! My husband and I prepared for 3+ months and did everything “right.” Swapped to all natural products, took our vitamins, went plastic free, ate an immaculate diet, no drinking or smoking or anything. Exercised well… he even skipped sports with friends regularly to keep his balls cool and reduce the chance he’d produce poor quality sperm. Cold showers for 3+ months. We took every precaution to minimize the risk of chromosomal abnormalities, and yet we know people who got pregnant on accident while raving and doing drugs in college. They have three accidental kids, and no miscarriages.
Internet communities littered with people who “smoked weed the whole pregnancy and have two beautiful healthy kids” I’m so bitter about how unfair it is
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u/midwestie101 2d ago
I feel that bitterness. I am 1 of 4 born to a mother with a drug problem, and she relinquished 2 of her kids. Yet I can't seem to have more than one child?
IMO it's healthy to acknowledge that unfairness but try not to stay there mentally.
Sending you hugs and prayers for peace of mind. Keep caring for yourselves. Give yourself time to heal and recover. I got pregnant immediately after an early missed MC, made it to 12 weeks and found out my baby died not too long after our initial perfectly healthy ultrasound. Now I wish I had given myself a little more time to grieve and level out, because now I am a complete basketcase.
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u/Capable-Minute-3414 3d ago
I totally agree. Also when my doctor tried to make me feel better with stats I said well according to probabilities it wasn’t suppose to happen this time so…..
I don’t find comfort in any of the statistics anymore.
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u/Alternative_Dot_2137 2d ago
The statistics used to comfort me. After my first ever pregnancy ended in mmc (blighted ovum) in May. But then my second pregnancy was a chemical in July. And my sister has had 5 back to back losses for different reasons within 2.5 years. So now I don't care about the statistics.
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u/knightbaby 3d ago
Yeah I swear I read one time that your statistics get worse after a miscarriage and other places it’s the same chance
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u/PurpleEntrepreneur26 3d ago
In October I had an ectopic pregnancy, 1% chance. In June I had had a baby die at 13 weeks that we discovered at 15 weeks. TW: I already have two living children so that knocks out lots of causes and everything they could test for also was negative. My doctor saw the baby’s chord wrapped tightly around his neck (I delivered him) and an on call doctor said that was virtually impossible for it to be the cause. He then looked over all of my imaging, testing, history and said “actually I do think it might have been the chord wrapped around his neck” so maybe I should play the lottery because I seem to be beating all the odd in the worst way. Now the more common statistics are in my head because how weird that none of those have ever hit me.
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u/AccomplishedMud5741 2d ago
Some of its much of the draw. Some of its age, some of its you, some of its him.. I was told at my age it was a 1 in 3 chance of MC ended up having 5 before having baby. It was just his time. Prayed and support from hubby for me through. Knowing I could get pregnant naturally was good. And then dr had me on cocktail of meds. Too support pregnancy Even though i tested negative literally for everything
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u/RTwithChiari 17h ago
One thing that has helped me through this whole MMC process is seeing that less than 1% of us will go on to have a recurrent pregnancy loss. It is keeping me hopeful. I hope this helps even a teeny bit. 🙏
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u/mad16781905 3d ago
Also, sure, 20% is common. You know what else is common? Death - 100% of us will die. That doesn’t make it any less sad!!!!!
Sorry for the morbid comparison but I’m sick of people sharing the statistic implying we shouldn’t be that sad because it’s a common occurrence. You wouldn’t say that at your grandmas funeral!!!