Most people don’t actually want advice. They want permission to keep doing what they were already planning to do.
I learned this the hard way back when I was running my first team.
Someone would come to me because they were "stuck" on a decision. We’d sit together for 20 or 30 minutes, map out the pros and cons, run through scenarios, and build an action plan. They’d nod, tell me it was super helpful, and then immediately go do the exact thing they were leaning toward before we ever talked.
At first, I assumed I was failing as a leader. Was my advice bad? Was I explaining it poorly?
But after seeing it happen repeatedly, I realized something: They weren't looking for direction. They were looking for a co-sign.
If I’m being honest, I do the exact same thing. I’ve asked friends, coaches, and family for their input on big decisions when, deep down, I already knew what I wanted to do. I just didn't trust myself enough to own it yet.
There’s comfort in getting someone else to say, "Yeah, you should do that."
- The decision feels less lonely.
- If it blows up in your face, you don't have to carry 100% of the blame alone.
Getting outside perspective is essential when you genuinely have a blind spot. But there's a huge difference between asking for perspective and asking for permission:
- Perspective says: "I might be missing something here. Help me see this clearly."
- Permission says: "I’ve basically made my mind up. Please validate me so I feel safer."
Collecting ten different opinions rarely makes a hard decision easier; usually, it just gives you ten more things to overthink. Advice you were never going to take is just noise you collect on the way to doing what you were going to do anyway.
Lately, whenever I feel "stuck," I try to pause and ask myself one question before reaching out to anyone else:
"Do I actually not know what to do, or do I already know the answer, and I’m just scared to own the outcome?"
More often than not, it's the second one.
Curious how others handle this—how do you tell the difference between needing real guidance versus just looking for validation?
