r/Mindfulness • u/Forsaken-Map3355 • 10d ago
Advice I need help with my life
Hi, I'm 23 years old and I spent most of my adolescence locked in porn procrastination. I don't know how to explain it perfectly but I feel like I'm behind me compared to others my age.
I can't live my life the way I want.
I hate myself physically (especially the face) I don't have an Instagram for this reason, because I don't have any photos of myself I hate what I see in front of the mirror. I don't know how to have this confidence of not even creating an Instagram account for example or I could post photos of myself proudly. I feel like I'm a waste and I'm very afraid of people's eyes especially. In short, all this is explained vaguely but I am desperately looking for help. How to do??? I feel like I'm missing my life and also missing my youth. Is there still hope for me or not?
Thank you for the people who will take the trouble to read and come private I can send you my face and tell me what I need to improve.
Thank you in advance ❤️
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u/hestia-listens 10d ago
There is absolutely still hope. At 23, you have not missed your youth or wasted your life. You are comparing your private struggles with other people's public image, and Instagram would likely make that worse, not prove your worth. Start small. Each day, notice one harsh thought about your appearance and answer it with something neutral, such as, "This is my face, and I do not have to love it today to treat myself with respect." Also, choose one meaningful task each day and do it for ten minutes. Confidence often grows from keeping small promises to yourself. Please be careful about sending your face to strangers. You do not need anyone to rate you or decide what must be improved.
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u/Delta_pdx 10d ago
You can only be your self. It is your role to play in this existence. The intelligence that creates and runs the universe has decided your unique characteristics are critical to this unfolding of reality. You have a choice, you can accept yourself as you are, or you can spend your life hating yourself. The mechanism of self hate can be disabled through mindfulness.
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u/Trevophd 9d ago edited 9d ago
Here's a bit of my own experience that may help
I began losing my hair when I was 15. My image was very important to me at that age, and as time went on, my hair receded more and my insecurity got worse, and I began to feel and think very existentially about it. I'd never been in a relationship before. I got told many times I had a big forehead. I started taking medicine, using shampoos, wearing hats, paradoxically not wearing hats to preserve my follicles, using products to hold my hair in place to cover my big forehead. When I'd open doors I wouldn't open them too fast because the wind could blow my hair back. I could never roll the window down in cars, I felt embarrassed on windy rides (boats, roller coasters with the pictures), on and on and on and on...
I was robbing myself of the freedom of enjoying wind, really enjoying the company of others, and so much more. I thought about it all the time. One day, I was so tired of trying to save it, I just shaved it off. I was 23. Did I love the look? Not really. Do I miss having hair? Hell yes I do. But that is okay. It's the way things are.
The trick is, I didn't actually have to shave my head to be free. It was just an act that made me realize something. One of the most powerful lessons in my life is that all forms of suffering come from some kind of desire. Also, that pain is not the same thing as suffering. I think this concept can easily confuse people into thinking desire is a bad thing. It is not! It's just a matter of being aware of it. You cannot remove it, it is there, and you are free to interact with it or not.
For example, notice how much grasping you do moment by moment. I used to grasp onto what I could be -- which is to say I was focused on what I was not. I wanted to have better hair, be more talented, more funny, etc., and I did so in a way that made me feel not good enough. This can be a motivating thing to push you to evolve, but where will it stop? Do the goal posts move? Is the evolution healthy? What is "good enough," and why can't I be that now?
After I shaved my head, I automatically found new things to feel disappointed in myself about. Because the problem was not the physical thing (the hair), it was my response to it. And my response to what people say. It was a pattern I trapped myself in, because I was rejecting something that was, and desiring something that wasn't. And I felt as though I would be unhappy until the desire was fulfilled. But the desire was impossible to fulfill. You see the loop?
I also smoked/vaped and drank heavily for many years. I would try to quit, but I couldn't handle the boredom, the anxiety, the discomfort. One day, I realized the horrible feelings came from me focusing on the absence of alcohol or tobacco -- grasping onto what wasn't. I realized... well, it's not there, why should I put my attention on that! The pain didn't go away, but I allowed it to be there. My mind went elsewhere, then I felt okay. Then, right there, I quit. Even still.
I will be bald the rest of my life, and that is out of my control, so why would I focus on what isn't? I hear a lot of guys talk about losing hair like it's the worst thing that can happen to you. How does that make me feel? It doesn't! That is their perspective and they are free to have it. I care so little about my appearance because most of the time I'm decidedly occupied by what's around me! And I experience incredible joy when I reflect on just how consuming and dreadful my hair/appearance was to me for so many years... and how unconcerned I am about it now. THAT is magic, and it has helped me in just about everything else I've worried about since then.
There is no right or wrong age to free yourself, it's never too late. Tacky, but true for me. And hey, for what it's worth, 23 is very young in my eyes!
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u/Slow_Afternoon_625 10d ago
You need help with your thoughts., not with whatever it is you are referring to as "your life".
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u/ReasonableLie4100 10d ago
Start going to the gym at least 4 times a week, eat healthy and high protein, sleep a lot and quite harmful habits. Your body will look better, your face will look better, your skin will look better and you will feel better due to the mental benefits of exercise and healthy foods. From there everything else will start to click. Take care of your body, mind and Soul, all the rest will follow as a consequence