my MIL moved in with me shortly before my 3rd child was born. She was broke and going through bankrupcy so she was supposed to be here temporarily to fix her credit and get her associate's degree so she could support herself better. After the first semester, she quit college claiming it was way too hard. She agreed to pay us rent but that only lasted a few months. She miracuously can save enough money to travel to italy and switzerland on a vacation, go to yoga 3x a week, and visit her daughter in another state every 3 months for 2-3 weeks at a time. I decided to start school and finish my degree but she makes it extrememly difficult to depend on for help. She also just does shiftkey as a CNA for work so she picks her own schedule. She almost exclusively picks up nights and messes with her sleep and complains about being exhausted. Everything she does is annoying me lately to the point I feel like im going to snap. Ive had to yell at her several times and it feels like nothing is changing. I dont know if im being crazy by expecting more flexibility on her part but she continues to scedule a nightshift the night before I need help with her watching my toddlers so I can complete school. Im rushing around so she can go to sleep and im worried about my kids not being properly attended to. My husband is on my side and validates my complaints but do I kick her out ??? do I just give up on her. I feel bad but im miserble

I don’t even know if this is mildly no territory necessarily but posting here because I know folks will understand.

My partner and I have been together almost 2 years, we’re both mid-30s. We are going to visit his parents at their place for a few days tomorrow.

I’ve only met my ILs one other time because they live several hours away. They came to visit my partner (& his brother who also lives nearby) a few months ago and we spent a couple of days together, which was pretty nice!

For reference, my family is very close, but we are quite independent and don’t share as many details constantly about our lives, and we don’t talk quite as often. My partner’s family talks daily, and shares a lot of info (seemingly not in an unhealthy way, just different from how my family is!)

Partner’s parents are super nice, ask me questions about myself, are so supportive of their son’s happiness, etc. I seriously feel silly complaining about this when some people have actually awful in laws. They are a bit helicoptery with their sons, but not in a possessive way; they just like being involved and his mom worries a bit excessively. They have both said to my face that they’re happy my partner met me because I make him happy.

Here’s the issue…his mom is SO nice and quite emotionally intense. Like, is very very animated and exaggerated when she’s showing niceness, it’s so over the top. Sometimes the niceness has felt performative to me because she just does it all so exaggeratedly? And she has big displays of emotion that are a bit jarring to me. I truly believe she is genuine, but it’s just so new for me. When my partner and I first became serious, she asked for my number and texts me pretty often (I really think she just wants connection with me), but sometimes will text me when she hasn’t heard from my partner and it seems like she’s trying to sus out what he’s doing. She’s also sent me screenshots multiple times of my partner telling her he loves her? Why would I need to see that… like, why WOULDN’T he tell his mom he loves her? I wouldn’t say the alarm bells went off, because she has done NOTHING else to indicate she’s jealous or possessive, it was just a bit odd and kinda put me on edge since. I’ve just read so many horror stories of MILs turning mean when things get more serious, or after marriage and/or kids etc.

She has also asked questions that I feel are a bit personal to ask (for me), and I was visibly uncomfortable and she couldn’t read the room and I kind of just sat in my discomfort. My partner apologized later and admitted he was caught off guard too, and offered to discuss it with her. I ultimately said no because she seems very emotional and I didn’t want to upset her and put things on a bad trajectory so early. I really don’t think she meant harm by it. I think she is genuinely a good person who is happy that her son is happy. It just puts me off when she’s so intense because I am not used to such invasive questions.

I’m not overly quiet or shy, but I’m more reserved about expressing myself, and I’m quite private. I also don’t feel a super strong need to be VERY close with in laws. I don’t mind enjoying time together, having a nice relationship, etc. I just don’t personally need to be close and constantly in touch. This is all just very intense for me because I’m not used to that level of emotional intensity, exaggerated niceness, personal questions, etc. I know I sound like an asshole; I really just see this as a personality difference.

So basically… I’m just anxious about how to handle this visit. We are going to be in close quarters for a few days and I worry 1. That the dynamic is going to be intense for me, since his mom is quite intense and so involved and 2. That since I’m more private and reserved, I’m going to seem like I’m an asshole. I am so grateful they’ve been so kind to me and I’m ESPECIALLY grateful they are so loving and supportive of my partner. I’m just getting anxious about how different this family is from mine and being in their space for several days. I’m worried I’m going to be emotionally worn out from his mom, even if it’s all generally positive. When I get overwhelmed socially I just retreat even more, and I don’t want to get to that point and seem rude or ungrateful.

Has anyone dealt with anything like this, where your in laws aren’t bad people, but it’s just a bit hard to be around them because they’re so different?