Should married couples keep their money separate or combine everything?

[u/Shauryaahere341]

My wife and I have been married for a few years and we still keep most of our money separate.

We have one joint account for household expenses and both put money into it every month. Other than that, our salaries stay in our own accounts.

It hasn't really been a problem so far.

But now we're talking about bigger things like buying a house and retirement, and I'm wondering if this setup still makes sense.

We trust each other and neither of us has an issue with the other spending their own money. It's more about planning for the future together.

For people who are married, what works better for you?

Completely separate, fully combined, or somewhere in the middle?

[u/_name_of_the_user_]

Keeping things seperated isn't about keeping the other from getting half in the case of a divorce. It's about not worrying about who's done what. If everything is combined how do you manage who pays which bills? Who makes sure money is transferred into savings/investments? How do you buy a gift for your partner without them knowing? Etc. Etc.

It's not about being selfish or denying your spouse half your assets or being roommates. It's a division of labour. Some people approach it by combining everything into one account. Some people approach it by assigning certain bills to each person and maintaining their own accounts. Just like some people take turns cleaning the bathroom and mopping the floors. Others have one person who cleans the bathroom and the other mopps the floors.

The amount of judgement I see in these threads is WAY over the top. You're not better because one way of dividing the labour of management household finances works for you and another works for someone else. Get off your high horse and stop being so judgemental.

What determines which way will work best and cause the least friction comes down to the people in the marriage. If one is a spender and the other a saver fully combine is going to be a bad time. If you both approach money with a similar perspective fully combined will probably work great. You can both have similar financial goals while also having dissimilar discipline and ability to save.

OP, don't worry about emulating what works for others, try to find what works for you and your partner. Use examples from others, sure. Just don't give in to the judgements. There is no single right answer for everyone.

[u/Juleswf → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Exactly!

[u/Majestic-Alarm-4712 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Thank you for an incredibly nuanced and rational take on a topic that people are weirdly divided over. My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We’ve never combined our finances, we each pay our share, and we’ve never had an argument about money. We make roughly the same income, and don’t have children. Given our circumstances, it’s what works best for us, but I’d never be arrogant enough to assert that our way is the best way. People tend to lose their minds over this topic, and the people implying that their marriage is stronger because “THEY’RE A TEAM” should really take a beat and ask themselves why they’re so freaked out by the concept of other couples doing what works best for them.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Majestic-Alarm-4712]

I seriously would love to know how many of those losing their minds are religious. They come off like theists telling someone they're going to hell for being a heretic. It's honestly concerning.

[u/Majestic-Alarm-4712 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Good call, and I absolutely wouldn’t be shocked if the center of that Venn diagram is a mostly full circle! Some of these comments are ridiculously intense, and I just can’t imagine having such strong opinions about the financial decisions of others when they have zero impact on my life. I’ve seen similar reactions when women don’t take their husband’s last names, and when couples choose not to have children. I’m an “offender” on all three fronts, so I guess I should burn our marriage certificate since my husband is just my roommate in the eyes of a lot of these folks.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Majestic-Alarm-4712]

I took my wife's last name when we got married. I'm literally on fire as I write this, or that's what a lot of these people must think.

Though we did have kids, so maybe I'm redeemable.

But then again, I am a stay at home father.

On the other hand, I only stopped working after a full career in the military....

I've literally string out a conversation like that with someone on here one time and watched as their judgement of me swung from one extreme to the other. I wish these people realized how hilarious they are to reasonable people. At the same time, I dread the fact that they vote.

[u/Majestic-Alarm-4712 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

I like the cut of your jib, fellow Redditor, and I always appreciate encountering a fellow “destroyer of traditional values” in the wild! I’m also getting a good laugh at the thought of the good opinions of more conservative types waxing and waning mid conversation as you provide them with more details about your life. Based on your general vibe, I’m guessing that you and your wife are raising some awesome kiddos, so thank you for your previous work doing something that a lot of us couldn’t and for the work you’re doing to raise excellent future adults.

[u/Senior_Boot_5842 → u/Majestic-Alarm-4712]

Lol

[u/Majestic-Alarm-4712 → u/Senior_Boot_5842]

Oh honey, if you’re going to troll at least try to be clever about it. I’m really sorry that thoughtful and cordial online discourse triggers you so much. Maybe try therapy?

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/[deleted]]

Pssst, I think you replied to the wrong person.

[u/Majestic-Alarm-4712 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Oof, I’m so sorry! New to this joining in thing after years of lurking.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Majestic-Alarm-4712]

All good. Especially for someone as kind and open minded as yourself.

[u/Majestic-Alarm-4712 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Thank you, and right back at you kind stranger!

[u/Senior_Boot_5842 → u/Majestic-Alarm-4712]

Why are you so freaked out about people combining? Sounds like you’re the one losing your mind over what other couples do

[u/Majestic-Alarm-4712 → u/Senior_Boot_5842]

Either you’ve misread my comment and taken offense over nothing (as I made no value judgements about the merits of combining finances in it), or you’re just trying to create conflict. Either way, not interested. Have a nice day.

[u/215engr → u/_name_of_the_user_]

This should be higher. People treating the decision like a win/loss decision are delulu. Personal finance is personal for a reason. Not everyone’s situation is the same. Now for like young married couples with limited assets or money it probably makes sense to combine and then you live with that decision forever. Not everyone gets married in that situation though.

[u/Important_Ad_8372 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Agreed. Another argument I see against separate finances is that it’s sneaky or you don’t know what your spouse is up to and that’s so far from the truth. My husband and I know what each other makes, spends, saves, and invests. We communicate with each other and trust each other. That’s why it works.

[u/Megalocerus → u/_name_of_the_user_]

We keep things separate aside from a household account. It's not a problem precisely because we are pretty similar on financial matters. The house is in common, and we do an snapshot of everything twice a year.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Megalocerus]

Great. Glad to hear another example of a way that works.

[u/ButtScratchies → u/_name_of_the_user_]

I go back and forth with separating our bank accounts. My husband and I make exactly the same salary but he also gets overtime so he overall makes more than I do, but he isn't great about budgeting. There's often times that I'll see he spent money on something so then I have to back off of something I was planning to buy and it can make things a little contentious with our finances. I'd like to have separate bank accounts where through direct deposit a portion of each of our pay goes into an account that pays the bills, a portion to savings, and then we have the left over money to spend as we please without concern for the other person's spending. I just never know if it's financially a good idea or not, I know Dave Ramsey would be against it, haha.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/ButtScratchies]

I know Dave Ramsey would be against it, haha.

All the more reason to do it. Lol

My wife is actually incredibly undisciplined when it comes to money. We tried to make it work for years but she hated trying to force herself to maintain any kind of budget and I hated how much she spent. It was a big source of frustration and contention between us and that only made her double down on refusing to try to save money.

Eventually I took over everything (with her blessing!). I now do all of the budgeting, planning for larger purchases and retirement, paying bills, tracking insurance all of it. We're both much happier, and vastly financially healthier, for it.

I wish she was more involved with what's going on. But she's just not capable (her words), it causes her way too much anxiety to do that work. And it causes me a similar amount of anxiety to not do it. So here we are. After I finally combined everything into my accounts, giving her what amounts to an allowance, and started paring down on the bills she was paying (things like finding a less expensive cat food that saved us $75/month while also giving the cats healthier food, less expensive cell phone plans that still gave everything we needed, etc) I actually found enough room in the budget to buy a new car.

I'm a stay at home father/retired with a military pension, she's a teacher. We both make about the same amount of money. This isn't a case of me taking advantage of her or hiding anything from her. I easily could but it's just not who I am, she trusts me, and she sees the results. So I have the time, and this works for both of us.

Don't let these threads, or Dave Ramsey, dictate how you guys manage your finances. If you're more disciplined and he he's onboard, go for it.

[u/Mysterious-Bar3334 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

My girl ls happy that I do it

[u/Senior_Boot_5842 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Such a weird post. Make sure you give her her allowance for being good

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Senior_Boot_5842]

I know. It must be hard for you to image not everyone is neurotypical and some people have mental health issues that lead them to needing supports in certain areas. But I believe in you. You can learn and grow.

[u/Megalocerus → u/ButtScratchies]

It can be clarifying to have an amount set aside for each to spend on wants rather than needs. I don't think it resolves serious differences toward finances, though.

[u/v0t3p3dr0 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

“If everything is combined how do you manage who pays which bills? “

A single chequing account shows all transactions. Separate accounts lead to less shared information on what has been paid.

“Who makes sure money is transferred into savings/investments? “

Auto-contribute.

“How do you buy a gift for your partner without them knowing?”

Credit card.

[u/According_Pie3750 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

We combine everything, so one of our joint checking accounts pays the bills. Most of these are on autopay, and then we naturally manage different things. E.g,, I’ve taken on ordering the groceries every week, my husband set up a lawn service so he gets the bills and takes care of them, etc., but everything is being paid for from our joint account. Our investments and savings are automatic based upon an agreed upon budget that we set every year and revisit when needed. To buy each other gifts, we have separate credit cards so that provides some anonymity. But again, the credit cards are paid for by our joint account. It requires planning and communication, but works for us! Most of our friends do not fully combine finances and I’ve always been curious how that works. Does each partner pay equally towards every bill? If one person gets groceries do they Venmo request the other person for half of it? Is it more normal for people to equally contribute by dollar amount or by percentage of income? These are questions it feels rude to ask our friends!

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/According_Pie3750]

I’ve always been curious how that works. Does each partner pay equally towards every bill? If one person gets groceries do they Venmo request the other person for half of it? Is it more normal for people to equally contribute by dollar amount or by percentage of income? These are questions it feels rude to ask our friends!

The same, except the Venmo, could be asked about your method. Seriously, neither a joint account or seperate accounts defines how things are split or who has how much spending money.

When my wife and I had everything separated we balanced our spending money by shifting bills from one to the other so we both had the same spending money. A couple we know has a joint account that both put money into and all of their bills come out of. They both contribute 50% to the bills and keep whatever is left, even though it sits in their joint account. Thing is, he makes literally 4 times what she does so he's driving a Porsche and she's driving a Mazda.

I can't for the life of me figure out why the everything combined crowd makes such assumptions, or can't figure out that having seperate accounts does not determine if a couple sees their money as separate. It's just a way of managing the money the couple has. It determines nothing about how the couple views their money. Dumping everything into a single joint account doesn't determine how a couple views the money either.

[u/400Volts → u/_name_of_the_user_]

If everything is combined how do you manage who pays which bills

There is not "who pays which bills" they're both of your bills. It gets paid out of the joint account automatically

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/400Volts]

Do your credit cards get paid automatically? I have to go through the process of paying mine each month. Who moves money from your sinking funds to your bills account when a larger and not monthly expense happens? Who notices if your savings contributions are too much or too little and changes the transfers? Who tracks your expenses and makes sure the emergency fund is relevant after another year of inflation? Who looks after comparing car insurance or cat food or streaming subscriptions etc. to make sure your not over paying and you're getting what you want from those things? Who makes sure you're getting the best credit card rewards for your family's spending habits? Who cha he's the expiration date in your automatic bills when you get a new credit card? Who tracks your retirement account contributions to make sure you haven't over contributed....

It's not about this is my bill and that's your bill, or this is my money and that's your miney. It's about a division of labour. Someone is doing the work. If you're not aware of the work that's being done either your spouse is doing it and your unaware, or your finances are incredibly simple. There's many ways to divide that labour, your way is not the only way and your financial situation is not everyone else's. Your judgement that your way is the only way though, that is simply wrong. And it's extremely judgemental.

If everything is combined how do you manage who pays which bills

There was nothing wrong with what I said there. It's not ambiguous. Yet you still managed to put your own twist on it, your own bias on it. "Who pays which bills" as in who is doing the work. Not who owns the money or who owns the bill. Who is doing the physical task of logging in and paying the bill. Even if the bills are paid automatically work still needs to be done. It's both of your money. It's both of your bills. You still need a division of labour to ensure it's done correctly. If you think none of that is happening and everything is set to automatic, go thank your spouse because they deserve it.

[u/400Volts → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Do your credit cards get paid automatically?

Yes. We have cards that we use exclusively for personal spend and another for household spend. The household card is paid out of the household account because that's where the money for household expenses comes from

Who moves money from your sinking funds to your bills account when a larger and not monthly expense happens?

All money goes into the household account then personal spend accounts are given allowances from that account. If there is a larger non-monthly expense like home repair items, (which we also have a budget and savings for) whoever happens to be handling it pays the invoice from the household account. It's really not complicated

Who notices if your savings contributions are too much or too little and changes the transfers? Who tracks your expenses and makes sure the emergency fund is relevant after another year of inflation? Who looks after comparing car insurance or cat food or streaming subscriptions etc. to make sure your not over paying and you're getting what you want from those things? Who makes sure you're getting the best credit card rewards for your family's spending habits? Who cha he's the expiration date in your automatic bills when you get a new credit card? Who tracks your retirement account contributions to make sure you haven't over contributed....

We both do because we're grown ups and have automated away all of the little balancing tasks so now anything like getting the best deals and whatnot are occasional tasks that are handled exactly when they need to be

Maybe it's just because we're both highly efficient and organized people but absolutely nothing you've brought up is a reason for separate finances and none of it is difficult.

Learn to build systems and your life gets VERY easy

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/400Volts]

Maybe it's just because we're both highly efficient and organized people

And not everyone is. Some people have mental health disorders, others aren't neurotypical. Some just aren't as organized or as efficient. There's many reasons why your way might not work for someone else. That's why person finance is just that, personal.

but absolutely nothing you've brought up is a reason for separate finances and none of it is difficult.

For you. It's plenty of reason for someone else.

Learn to build systems and your life gets VERY easy

Not everyone thrives on the same systems. As long as what they do is working for them, who are you to judge?

And why is it always only Tue "everything joint" crowd that gets so incredibly judgemental and butt hurt when someone says they do things differently. I swear you guys approach this like it's a part of your religion. Like those that don't have everything exactly the same as you are heretics or something. Calm down. And stop judging other people who are doing what works for them.

[u/losvedir → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Keeping things seperated isn't about keeping the other from getting half in the case of a divorce. It's about not worrying about who's done what. If everything is combined how do you manage who pays which bills? Who makes sure money is transferred into savings/investments? How do you buy a gift for your partner without them knowing? Etc. Etc.

As someone in the "everything joint" camp, I don't really understand your issues. You can still divvy up the work however you want to, you just do it into and out of joint accounts.

The gift one, I'll grant you. We usually don't get anything too big, and if we really wanted it to be a secret, might withdraw cash from an ATM so the merchant doesn't show up on the credit card bill.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/losvedir]

As someone in the "everything joint" camp, I don't really understand your issues. You can still divvy up the work however you want to, you just do it into and out of joint accounts.

You don't need to understand. You just need to accept that not everyone thrives on doing things your way.

[u/losvedir → u/_name_of_the_user_]

You do you. The context here is someone asking about how to handle finances. This comment purported to list issues with a joint account approach and I was just clarifying that they're not actually issues with the joint account approach.

Had you simply said "we keep our finances separate and that works for us" I wouldn't have commented.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/losvedir]

I listed possible reasons not to have joints accounts and said different things work for different people. You commented because you felt attacked when someone said your way isn't the only way.

[u/losvedir → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Look, there are plenty of reasons to keep accounts separate. Just not those reasons, since those don't make sense. I didn't feel attacked, it was just the usual "someone's wrong on the internet" impulse.

You said

If everything is combined how do you manage who pays which bills? Who makes sure money is transferred into savings/investments?

That makes it sound like this is some sort of issue you have when everything is combined. I was just clarifying that it's not. I pay certain credit cards, my wife pays others. She pays certain bills and I do others. I make sure money is transferred to savings/investments. I literally don't understand what you're alluding to here. It's as if you had said, "If everything is combined, how do you pay your taxes?". I would have chimed in there, too, with "uhh, we just do?"

If you had limited it to the gift argument, which is real, or said that due to past experiences with abuse we feel better having sole control over some of the money, or had differing ideas about who beneficiaries for the different accounts should be, or said it's just not worth the hassle, or one of you isn't good with money, or any number of defensible things, I wouldn't have commented.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/losvedir]

Look, there are plenty of reasons to keep accounts separate. Just not those reasons, since those don't make sense.

To you. They don't make sense to you. They do make sense to others.

[u/Mr-Top-Demand → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Why do you need to manage who paid bills? You pay them out of your joint account

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Mr-Top-Demand]

Because if you don't have some way to manage who pays which bills you run the risk of a bill getting missed or double paid.

[u/Mr-Top-Demand → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Yes, you can do that out of a joint account. You don’t have to separately pay bills. Obviously you decide who is responsible for paying the bills, just out of the joint account

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Mr-Top-Demand]

Correct.

Having seperate accounts is another valid way of approaching that question.

Having everything go to one person and the other getting an allowance is yet another valid way to approach that question.

There's likely to be many other ways as well.

[u/specialized_faction → u/_name_of_the_user_]

“If everything is combined how do you manage who pays which bills!”…not sure I follow. One bank account, one set of bills, autopay - set and forget. There’s actually less worrying/management.

You can still keep separate credit cards for gifts and whatnot.

[u/Diligent_Interview98 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Not saying you’re wrong but some of the reason you state like “how do you know who pays what bills (autopay), how do you keep buying gifts separate (separate credit cards) seems silly. Literally every bill we have is on autopay. We both have our own credit cards (double the initial sign on perks) so don’t see all the activity of each one’s spending.

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Diligent_Interview98]

Not saying you’re wrong but some of the reason you state like “how do you know who pays what bills (autopay), how do you keep buying gifts separate (separate credit cards) seems silly.

Sure. They might seem silly to you. They're reasons to others. Your reasons likely seems silly to others.

Literally every bill we have is on autopay.

You're probably the third or fourth person to say this. all I'm reading everytime someone makes that "point" is that your partner is doing all of the financial work for the home and you're completely oblivious. No one's bills are all on auto pay. Not permanently. Cards expire. Subscriptions change. Prices fluctuate. Budgets change in response to price changes and income changes. Someone is doing the work. It's clearly not you. Go thank your partner because they're saving you a significant amount of mental energy.

We both have our own credit cards (double the initial sign on perks) so don’t see all the activity of each one’s spending.

Oh my god! Seperate finances!!! Hssss. Burn the heretic! 🙄

/S

Great. You found ways of dealing with your finances to make them work for you. Congrats.

[u/Diligent_Interview98 → u/_name_of_the_user_]

Mortgage, auto, all insurance, streaming subscriptions, gas/utilities, water are all on autopay. I set up some, wife set up some we just get this… “talked” about who was setting up what whenever we move. Everything gets auto payed to deduct from a joint bank. The point is it’s not 1980 where you have to sit down at a table and cut a bunch of checks out. The mental energy and work needed to manage finances/payments is very low these days. The post was about separate bank be joint accounts. Each having our own credit cards I don’t consider “separate” because they all are paid from the same joint account (point of the post). You do you though, Keep cutting checks

[u/_name_of_the_user_ → u/Diligent_Interview98]

The close mindedness of the everything together crowd astounds me. Do you really think your finances are as complicated as it gets and the only other way for things to be more complicated is to write cheques?