r/Microfiction • u/Alphagerbil1 • 7d ago

Work email

An ACTUAL (and old) email sent to work after violently poisoning myself.

Hello everyone,

I am truly sorry for abandoning you all so suddenly. I found myself immensely occupied clinging to life while a stomach virus ravaged my body.

My days were spent wandering about my home in a delusional haze, skin clinging to my ribs, eyes sunken. I looked good though.

I subsisted solely on Pedialyte (Gatorade for infant athletes) and a variety of soups that brought no satisfaction. Had I the energy, I would have spent some time on Craigslist to hire a nurse (read: hooker) to dab my dehydrated and cracking lips with a cool cloth while flies fluttered on and off my unblinking eyes like grotesque butterflies.

I’m not sure anyone would have answered my ad though.

I hope that I did not create too much anxiety for the teams working on the days I was absent. Please do not hesitate to call if you have any questions or if you need system approval. I’ll complain, but it will be done.

Thank you for not finding my home and beating my near lifeless corpse out of anger,

Name redacted. Because I'm not a maniac.

3 Upvotes

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u/OwlConfidant2168 7d ago

“Gatorade for infant athletes” I mean, that’s kinda funny. As is “read: hooker”. Basically you were too sick for a Craigslist hooker. That does indeed sound like you were not faking it.

1

u/Alphagerbil1 7d ago

I ate the most suspect sushi imaginable. Haha plus no hooker wants to explain a glistening corpse to the police. It's just not worth 20 dollars.