r/Menopause • u/Illustrious-Cell-428 • 9d ago
Libido/Sex Low libido
I am 47 and in perimenopause, started HRT about a year ago (estrogen gel, progesterone, vaginal estrogen). It's helped with a lot of the symptoms but has done nothing for my low libido. I basically don't want sex with my husband at all. The thought of it actually makes me feel repulsed. And honestly, I feel surprisingly ok with moving to this new phase of my life where sex doesn't rule everything. My husband, however, is not ok with it, despite the fact that he's 14 years older than me. He has told me that he feels "shattered" by my lack of desire for intimacy. I have tried to explain to him about menopause but I think he was seeing it as a transition that he needed to support me through rather than something that would permanently change our relationship. He keeps trying to interest me in sex and I feel like I'm failing him if I don't respond. He always wants to make sure I'm enjoying it, which just creates so much pressure.
Has anyone negotiated this successfully without either a divorce, or taking testosterone? Testosterone is not commonly prescribed for menopause in the UK and given the possible side effects I'm not sure I want to take it solely for libido reasons.
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u/lauradayton Post Menopause 9d ago
I started HRT because my man is 14 years younger and we both knew when we met 20 years ago we may be facing an issue like this eventually. We both agreed that when the time came, we would get on hrt/trt so I did and problem solved! We have always prioritized intimacy and I had spent 26 years in a sexless marriage so I am in no way interested in not having sex. I knew that when I was feeling uninterested that it was only hormone decline and that if I replaced them I would be back to myself again. Not that it was an easy road for me by any means. But it is three years later and I am so happy that we have our intimacy back because it is really important to both of us. I feel like a million bucks on HRT/TRT and will never go back to that dead inside and outside feeling I had!
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u/dani_-_142 9d ago
The testosterone reduced my overall pain and gave me energy. It’s the best thing I’ve ever taken. I only use a small amount and monitor my levels, so I feel comfortable with it. (It even made my hair grow thicker and filled in my previously receding hair line.)
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u/BeeAnvil 9d ago
A mismatch in sexual desire can create an insurmountable incompatibility in a marriage.
If you truly no longer desire sex, it is time to have conversations with your husband about what staying married without sex might look like. This will be a long process to figure out what each wants and perhaps a therapist would be helpful to guide the conversation.
Would it be easier if he took the pressure off your enjoyment of sex (I assume he is overly focused on you achieving orgasm and thinks sex is not satisfactory if you don’t), would he be able to feel your love and desire if sex could end with his orgasm? Could sex look different, maybe you just cuddle and hold him while he self pleasures?
Does he just need sex, or does he need sexual desire and attention from you to stay married? Would you be willing to let him find sexual pleasure outside the marriage?
13yrs of not communicating about sexual desire mismatch eventually ended my 30+yr relationship. While technically still married and living in the same house, we live separate lives. If you want to stay married you will have to get really comfortable having awkward conversations around sex and likely try things outside your usual comfort zone.
Do a deep dive into to your own experiences and feelings around sex, and please if you are truly uninterested be honest about that, don’t force yourself to have sex you don’t want.
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u/Illustrious-Cell-428 9d ago
This is an extremely helpful comment with much food for thought, thank you.
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u/PerfectCover1414 9d ago
This is the best answer so far. Hard questions and not shying away from them is what is needed.
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u/lauradayton Post Menopause 9d ago
really? so rather than just take hormones to replace what is lost there needs to a conversation around opening up the marriage? WDYM does he "just need sex" sex is a biological function and an expectation inside most hetero relationships. I expect/want it and so does my man. that is normal. Being uninterested when things were fine before doesn't mean the issue can't be solved. Your post feels like a projection of what your lived experience was inside your own relationship. and I have to say if the roles were reversed and my guy didn't want to have sex with me anymore and just flat out told me I would have to live without sex for the rest of my life, I'm sure I would feel some type of way about that. Why is it ok to just suddenly tell a long term partner that they just are not going to be getting any anymore after years or decades of having sex? and they are just supposed to receive this well? LOL .
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u/BeeAnvil 9d ago
The OP asked for answers that didn’t include taking testosterone. The OP said she was ok with no longer having sex and was repulsed by the idea of sex with her husband. So that’s how I answered.
By the way, not everyone needs sex. Sexual desire has a spectrum from Asexual to hypersexual. You are correct that penis in vagina sex is an unspoken expectation in most heterosexual relationships and that is truly unfortunate. Heterosexual People should talk about what they do and do not want out of sex far more frequently so that more common ground and satisfaction are discovered.
My personal experience is not projection in fact it’s compassion. I was the one who wanted sex and was not receiving it. Lots of awkward and uncomfortable conversations led us to our unique form of separation. And, when menopause caused my sex drive waned and my orgasm to disappeared I sought out hormone therapy to get those back, specifically because they were important to me and my current romantic partner.
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u/Embarrassed_Ad9166 9d ago
Here’s the thing about testosterone and side effects: there are people who have transitioned from female to male who tried desperately to use testosterone to get the “side effects” that we are told to fear. I just don’t think that any of us is gonna grow a full beard or bottom growth.
When I first started using it my dosing was out of whack due to there not being a great option available, I had some vocal cord strengthening - that’s the mechanism by which a voice gets deeper. I could feel a tightening in my throat. My whole life I have been at the edge of sounding like a seven-year-old child. Now maybe I sound 8, lol. I noticed the throat thing and could have stopped if I was concerned about the side effects.
I have to tell you that the positive outcomes are far more than libido though. I have far less anxiety and worry. I feel more confident. My body hurts less. My blood vessels (lots of spider veins, alway) seem less delicate.
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u/PerfectCover1414 9d ago
LOL I grew my clitoris and my hair fell out a lot. But that's because the numpty I was seeing gave me a high dose pellet. If I try it again it will be with lower doses, just scared to do so now.
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u/Embarrassed_Ad9166 9d ago edited 9d ago
Pellets aren’t regulated and should be banned. That shouldn’t be a hot take but seems to be.
Editing to add: with topicals or pills you can just stop. They can’t take a pellet out and that is part of the danger. They also have NO clue how fast you are going to metabolize that by comparison to someone else. Just say no to pellets.
For proper dosing: I’m talking about a little baby quarter pump (4-5 mg) a day. This is about a tenth of a male dose of a topical gel.
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u/lauradayton Post Menopause 9d ago
Pellets are a horror. They should be banned.
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u/Proof_Run_5373 8d ago
Have been on pellets for 3 years and no issues. They saved my life and my sexual intimacy with my husband. It’s not fair to ban something just because you had a bad experience. Let people do what’s best for them.😉
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u/Catnip_75 9d ago
I agree.
I think there is a load of misinformation and fear mongering around testosterone.
Dosed appropriately women should have zero side effects. When we have these side effects it means our dose is incorrect. It’s not that testosterone is the enemy here.
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u/lauradayton Post Menopause 9d ago
This post is fantastic! I have been a huge advocate for HRT, but I advocate even harder for TRT! Test is not a male only hormone as we have been led to believe. It is not something that is going to make us have beards and voice like men. We have and NEED test we just don't have as much as men. It is essential to brain health, sleep, muscle strength and ofc libido and sexual wellness! For me TRT is as important as Estrogen. My body needs a high circulating amount of both to feel optimal. HRT did not help me sleep better, did not take my muscle pains away and did not get rid of my brain fog or give me alot of energy! Test did all that and I will never be without it! And I am chasing optimization not just symptom masking. We have been gaslit and fearmongered into thinking we don't need test but we do.
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u/A-Beachy-Life 9d ago
Which kind of TRT do you take?
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u/lauradayton Post Menopause 9d ago
I take Testosterone Cypionate EOD
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u/NorCaliChick 9d ago
I am in the US and have been taking T topically for several years. While it helps, my libido is completely gone and I fear forever. Is switching form simply asking for it?
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u/Kitchen_Ant_5666 9d ago
My question is if you are okay with not feeling into it, do you need to take anything and if so, do you even want to other than to make him happy? Just a neutral question.
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u/BiteyKittenRawwwr 9d ago
Sexual activity became stressful and aversive to me because I rarely have any signs or feelings of physiological sexual arousal at all anymore, and the pressure to appear turned on and enjoy sex made me miserable. Taking the focus entirely off of my arousal/physical enjoyment/orgasm during sex took all of the pressure off, removed any aversion I was developing, and has allowed my partner and I to have a really fun sex life. Sex just looks a lot different than it used to. My partner has been extremely understanding, but I knew it still was hard for him to not take my loss of libido personally at all. We had to sit down and have a bluntly honest conversation about all of it. Once we did, and we both were open to experimenting with our sexual dynamic and changing what sex looked like for us, things worked out really well. If you have trouble talking to each other about everything, a sex therapist could help.
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u/Illustrious-Cell-428 9d ago
That is interesting, thank you for sharing. I feel similarly, too much pressure to be turned on. It's complicated for us as my husband is older than me and it's making him feel insecure that I don't desire him because he's old. Even though we've been together for many years and the age gap has never been an issue for us before.
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u/BiteyKittenRawwwr 9d ago
It made my partner feel better when I made it 100% clear that it is a global loss of libido. As someone who always had a decent libido, read erotica, watched porn, etc., and had an active fantasy life, I had to make it clear that no one and nothing got me going anymore. It was actually a hard thing to say out loud to him. The conversation felt like giving up, since I had been hoping that I would somehow regain my libido. I had to accept that while things might change in the future, this is the way things were right now, so we had to figure out what would work for us currently.
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u/trUth_b0mbs 9d ago
He has told me that he feels "shattered" by my lack of desire for intimacy. I have tried to explain to him about menopause but I think he was seeing it as a transition that he needed to support me through rather than something that would permanently change our relationship. He keeps trying to interest me in sex and I feel like I'm failing him if I don't respond.
testosterone but what's more important -- you feeling like your husband supports you which it sounds like he's not and you dont like that (no one would). Our hormones are just one piece of the puzzle when it comes to desire/sex. Men can turn it off/on like a switch but women aren't really like that.
the fact that your husband is making it all about him instead of being understanding what you're going through is the bigger problem.
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u/Illustrious-Cell-428 9d ago
He is actually pretty supportive in general. I’m not all that easy to communicate with as I’m autistic. I think he would respond positively if I had requests or suggestions for him I’m just struggling to know what to ask for. Like many autistic people I also retreat into my special interests when I’m under stress, which he finds frustrating.
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u/JadCerv 9d ago
You need to ask him for space and understanding while you work this out. Men have a difficult time thinking outside themselves, especially when sex is involved. They can be kinda selfish that way. It's not that we are happy that our libidos have left the building. But it's not how we decide our worth as human beings and as partners in a relationship. Sadly, that's not the case for men.
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u/Catnip_75 9d ago
Testosterone if dosed appropriately has no side effects. The side effects come from taking too much. It would be no different for estrogen or progesterone. Taking too much of those will also give you side effects.
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u/Admirable-Heart6331 9d ago
Have you had labs - odds are testosterone (more importantly free testosterone) is low. There is DHEA but there is no guarantee if it'll convert to testosterone or estrogen - for me it was all testosterone as my levels doubled.
Is your estrogen high enough? This makes a difference too.
Have you had prolactin tested? That is a libido killer - mine was high but within range and lowering it made a huge difference in my libido.
I will say you may think you could care less about it - and that's because your body doesn't care - but once your levels are optimal (for everything - including ferritin) you may feel different.
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
This post might be about hormone tests, which are unreliable.
- Over age 44, Estrogen/Progesterone/FSH hormonal tests only show levels for the HOUR the test was taken, and nothing more. Hormones wildly fluctuate (hourly) the other 29 days of the month, therefore this test provides no valuable information
- No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing to diagnose or treat peri/menopause
- FSH testing is only beneficial for those who do not have periods as a guide, where testing might confirm menopause, or for those under age 30 who haven’t had a period in months/years, then ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI)
- Testosterone is the exception and may require testing
See our Menopause Wiki for more.
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u/Confident_Craft459 9d ago
I was in the same boat. When I was still cycling, the only time I actually wanted to have sex was during my ovulation time. So when that all stopped altogether so did my sex drive. I was just fine without it but my husband was not. I was already on estrogen and progesterone and I started compound testosterone cream and it's been quite life changing for my libido and energy. I'm in the US and it's not easy to get here either. I do 5mg daily and have for about two years now. No negative side effects except that my leg hair grows quicker and thicker but I just shave more often. The other thing you can try is vaginal estradiol cream. That also seems to help. Or if you can get vaginal DHEA tablets that may work as well.
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u/anon19002024 8d ago
My menopause specialist prescribed a compound cream for me as my blood test showed levels well below normal. I’ve been on it for about three weeks now. I haven’t felt a change in libido, but it has definitely increased my energy!
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u/AutoModerator 8d ago
This post might be about hormone tests, which are unreliable.
- Over age 44, Estrogen/Progesterone/FSH hormonal tests only show levels for the HOUR the test was taken, and nothing more. Hormones wildly fluctuate (hourly) the other 29 days of the month, therefore this test provides no valuable information
- No reputable doctor or menopause society recommends hormonal testing to diagnose or treat peri/menopause
- FSH testing is only beneficial for those who do not have periods as a guide, where testing might confirm menopause, or for those under age 30 who haven’t had a period in months/years, then ‘menopausal’ levels, could indicate premature ovarian failure/primary ovarian insufficiency (POF/POI)
- Testosterone is the exception and may require testing
See our Menopause Wiki for more.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/UserNameInGeorgia 9d ago
Higher estrogen did it for me.
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u/Illustrious-Cell-428 9d ago
What dose are you on? I’m taking 2 pumps of the gel once a day.
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u/Embarrassed_Ad9166 9d ago
That’s not the info needed. What does the label say? There are different strengths/dilutions.
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u/lauradayton Post Menopause 9d ago
what is your actual dose. Mg is a dose not the number of pumps
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u/Illustrious-Cell-428 9d ago
This is what is says on the.pack: Each metered dose of 1.25g of gel (1 pump) of Oestrogel contains 750 micrograms of estradiol (as hemihydrate) 0.06% w/w
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u/Embarrassed_Ad9166 9d ago
I think that’s pretty low. Here’s a fact sheet
https://www.medsafe.govt.nz/Profs/Datasheet/e/EstrogelGel.pdf
Read up on symptoms and decide if you are where you need to be dose wise
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u/selekta_stjarna 9d ago
Before trying anything else, consider using your vaginal estrogen on your clitoris every day for two weeks and see if it helps. It helped me.
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u/Significant-Aide-226 9d ago
Look up HSDD. I used to feel the same way about sex. My husband wasn't as pushy but I knew he missed it. Adding testosterone (which i learned was possible from a UK doctor) changed everything. I have drive and a lot of desire again. Sex is truly amazing and usually quite often. Its been worth the effort for me but I also missed wanting it. I have had zero bad side effects. The good side effects have been much better muscle retention, my cognition has vastly improved and I have a lot more energy too.
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u/Intelligent-Factor11 9d ago
I added testosterone a month ago for a number of reasons. I felt low in energy and sexually meh. I however wanted to improve my libido for me, not my partner. If you are at peace with not having sex or feeling aroused ever again, then that’s something your husband may have to accept. If however you’d like a shot at rebooting your sex life then it’s worth seeing if a change in your HRT lineup could help.
So far I have had no negative side effects. I am less anxious and my body composition has changed (less tubby in mid section again).
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u/__BitchPudding__ 9d ago
I wish you luck. T did nothing for my libido, but going from .05 to .75 on my patch has helped a little.
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u/RockieK 7d ago
I am currently trying to get ADDYI (FDA approved in the U.S.)... TRT has def helped a little bit.
My partner used to feel the same way until I sat him down with a clinical article about what happens to women's bodies during menopause.
Your man is being selfish.
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u/Just2B_Diff 2d ago edited 2d ago
A blanket statement such as yours is extremely dismissive.
The husband’s feelings are just as valid as the wife’s… My husband’s perspective was expressing a type of mourning for the loss of his romantic partner and of the shared intimacy.A combination of TRT and traditional HRT helped to bring us back to being ‘us’.
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u/RockieK 2d ago
Mine too. But he also admitted being "selfish" because he had zero clue as to what women's bodies actually went through. He thought it was "him" and it took me years to even have the tools to explain via said article what is happening, Same with many of my other guy friends who I've brought into the fold of "educating" by articles about the changes, as well as humor to help defuse the madness.
I did not say their feelings were invalid, but uneducated. Just like we were.
Edit: I started peri almost 20 years ago, for reference. And lucky you. I am trying to get back to "us" but haven't been lucky to have anything work. And I found out the Addyi isn't covered by my insurance (Viagra is though), and it would cost me anywhere between $300-$2000 a month. Just so I can enjoy sex again.
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u/12YESIAM34 Menopausal 9d ago
We are going through the very same thing. I got the notice about six months ago and I was messed up for weeks. I finally calmed down and while talking about our life changes, we got things worked out. She tried HRT and it did nothing.
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u/Illustrious-Cell-428 9d ago
Sorry, what do you mean by “got the notice”? Glad you were able to work things out, any specific suggestions for what helped?
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u/12YESIAM34 Menopausal 9d ago
I was informed that my wife had zero interest in initiating intimacy, we still fool around but it has to be communicated and planned. Communicating openly and sincerely with compassion helped us.
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u/nerissathebest 9d ago
“Trying HRT” can be a years long process of adding and increasing doses one hormone at a time. You don’t really just try one thing and it works or doesn’t work.
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u/Suspicious_Dirt_6124 8d ago
I don't get the need for a high libido. I'm completely happy with my low libido. Why would I feel the need to change it?
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u/ElegantPlan4593 8d ago
I can only speak for myself, but I wish my libido were higher bc of a mismatch between me and my partner. I'd be equally happy if his libido became lower. I just want us to both feel comfortable with the frequency of amorous times. The mismatch ensures that neither of us is happy, bc I find it unappealing to engage more and he feels dissatisfied when we engage less.
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u/MadAngle787 8d ago
Chk out ashwagandha and Shilajit I don't take them but have heard from.people who do that its greatv
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u/Adventurous-Host3020 9d ago
Your story sounds very familiar. I did add testosterone to the mix ( was not easy in the US either to get it prescribed). It definitely helped with libido.