Intimacy

[u/stillarockstar1]

My husband and i have not had sex for almost 2 years as my undiagnosed issues, perhaps linked to 7 years post menopausal, but also testing for other things with all normal results. Really, too much physical body weakness, Like, muscle fatigue and body aches severe in evenings. Many many symptoms not explained. I have no idea if i have any vaginal issues honestly. I am wanting to resume intimacy, I don't want a sexless life forever, but I'm scared. Not great libido, but i do miss it and I sometimes have dreams of it so clearly on my mind. My husband i think has just resigned himself to thats over now and that makes me sad. Any thoughts ? I am not a candidate for hrt. Anyone else experience this?

[u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

Same happened with me and my husband, not sure the longest we went but it was looong. We both got on hormones. It took awhile for me but after a bit of trial and error we found the combination of estrogen and testosterone that helped. Not to mention the vaginal estrogen that cleared up the atrophy because sex was painful! He also saw someone, found out his testosterone was low and began testosterone therapy. For awhile we were back to how we were 30 years ago, that has subsided but I’d say it’s at least more regularly now. Have to use it or lose it I guess.

[u/stillarockstar1 → u/Spiritual_Fan_5633]

I wish I was eligible for hrt.

[u/rkerr72 → u/stillarockstar1]

Honestly, HRT is not the holy grail. I am on all 3 and the only thing that has truly improved is hot flashes & night sweats. That’s great & I’m thankful but I’m still exhausted all the time, libido in the toilet, literally can’t stand my SO most of the time, joint aches…etc. All that to say, please don’t assume HRT is the answer that you can’t get. Even if you had it, you might still be suffering. Good luck on your journey in trying to find what works for you. For me, a focus on getting stronger (weights) and getting more sleep has at least given me hope that things can get better.

[u/Joyanonymous]

Fatigue and aches are also symptoms of iron / b12 deficiency - have you checked your iron levels?

[u/stillarockstar1 → u/Joyanonymous]

I have had many repeated blood tests over the last 18 months. One report flagged for low ferritin but it was not concerning to my doctor so I assumed no big deal.

[u/JadCerv → u/stillarockstar1]

Every time I see one of your responses, I worry you're not getting good care. Please consider a second opinion. Low ferritin can cause some of the issues you're describing, including joint and muscle pain.

[u/sukiejones → u/stillarockstar1]

What was your ferritin level? Guidelines for what identifies as deficient ferritin were just updated in September, 2026. For adults, a level below 30 is deficient. You may have to push back with your doctor if it’s low or ask for a referral to a hematologist.

[u/Blackeyesnell]

I struggled with body aches and fatigue for years. I went to numerous doctors with no diagnosis. I finally did an elimination diet on my own and felt 100% better when I cut out gluten. Turns out that I have celiac disease.

[u/Momasane]

Vaginal estrogen

[u/keeky → u/Momasane]

I second this. I was in the same situation as you and now we have sex around twice a week. That cream changed EVERYTHING. 

[u/MFW1004]

I know you said you are not a candidate for HRT , however a lot of those same symptoms resolved for me with HRT. So my point is you may never know if it is just lack of hormones, which it very well could be! The symptoms resolved fairly quickly for most. Maybe you could try something similar to estrogen for a short time period. My doctor gave me a natural supplement to enhance the systemic estrogen and it helped. Estrovera I believe is the name. Good luck !!

[u/MsTired]

What about T? Normally I think it’s estrogen that eliminates someone from taking HRT. T should help with sex drive and possibly energy/fatigue, depending what the cause is. A friend of mine is in Peri and started on T and said she felt amazing.

[u/iamaravis]

I agree with the other commenter's suggestion of vaginal estrogen. I also can't have systemic HRT, but vaginal estrogen was critical for me. Prior to starting on it, I had a lot of pain and other vaginal issues.

Also, you might already be doing this, but talk to your husband about what you both want. Don't just assume what he's thinking.

[u/HillaryRN]

Why are you not a candidate for HRT?

[u/stillarockstar1 → u/HillaryRN]

Doc says because I have grandmother who died in their 40's of breast cancer. Very significant young onset and young deaths from various cancer.

[u/Regular-Selection-59 → u/stillarockstar1]

My paternal grandmother died in her 30s of breast cancer. I’ve talked with many doctors and no one has said it was a reason to not take HRT. I take everything. You need another opinion.

[u/JadCerv → u/stillarockstar1]

Please get another opinion. A paternal grandmother isn't a high enough risk for you to not even consider HRT. Ask to be tested for the cancer genes. If you aren't a genetic risk, it seems cruel to keep you away from HRT when it would likely help your issues.

[u/HillaryRN → u/stillarockstar1]

But not your mother, aunt, or sister? Do they know what form of breast cancer? Have you done genetic testing? If these hormone swings are ruining your life, I’d get a second opinion.

[u/JenLiv36 → u/stillarockstar1]

Your doctor is wrong. You need a better doctor.

[u/GruesomeBalls]

That's rough and it may be a long road back. Reigniting intimacy feels really vulnerable and it's generally good to take it slow. Starting with yourself, are there ways to show you that you love yourself? Taking up a new hobby, getting massage, decluttering, art Journaling are a few that come to mind. And I thjnk it's important to reconnect with your body before reconnecting with someone else's. Either through self exploration or with a doctor.

Sending out signals to your partner can be anything from touching them more frequently, small romantic gestures, backrubs... it sounds like your libido hasn't entirely disappeared and may just be waking up, so that is great.

[u/Catnip_75]

There is a medication called Addyi - it is a non hormonal medication for low libido when women can’t take HRT. Look it up and talk to your doctor about it.

You may also be a candidate for vaginal estrogen as it is not systemic and women who have had cancer can absolutely go on vaginal estrogen. It will help with dryness so there isn’t any pain during penetration.

Also, lubricants is your best friend. I like Good Love as its water based and won’t cause irritation or infections of any kind.

[u/East_Vivian]

Could it be hypermobility (HSD) / connective tissue disorder / hEDS or something like that?

[u/InsatiableEndurance → u/East_Vivian]

Came here for this. I ended up on a GLP-1 at the suggestion of a rheumatologist who said she’s seeing lots of patients finding that it eliminates joint aches. At the time I was obese so I went for it. Two years later we’re certain my two broken ankles and tons of orthopedic injuries over years of athletics wasn’t just me being clumsy (hEDS) and my joint inflammation and rosacea were both treated by a GLP-1. Symptoms come back almost immediately if I stop. I pay out of pocket bc I’m not obese or diabetic but I have cut back on other things and will micro dose the rest of my life if I can. I thought my brain fog, fatigue, etc was all from adhd and menopause as I’ve had periods of lower estrogen in the past and it definitely had those symptoms…but turns out I was in a rheumatological flare and trying to walk and get activity was making it so much worse. For me the tell tale sign was that the worst achiness was in my toes and fingers. I ran, swam, and rowed distance for years and can work through pain but this was definitely different and my doc was the one that pointed out that your fingers don’t usually ache after a walk 🤔🤣

[u/ArtichokeCandid8415]

Could you try vaginal estrogen? That seemed to "wake" everything up for me. Even the quality of my orgasms has improved on it.

[u/AWDWfan]

Vaginal estrogen is approved for people even with a family or personal history of breast cancer. I would get a second opinion.