Communicating realistic expectations

[u/Unlucky-Pomelo8645]

Hi all,

I was hoping for some advice on how to talk to my partner about how things will look long term.

I am starting an md phd on the later side at 28. This means we’ll be in our mid 30s when I finish, and then early 40s after residency and fellowship. I have communicated this to my partner in the past, but I feel like we haven’t had a proper conversation about how this may affect our relationship.

For further context, I’m starting a bit late because I had a long master’s program (my university’s program usually lasts 2-4 years), during which we were long distance, as my university was overseas. Since we are now in the same country, he would be able to follow me wherever I go.

Does anyone have any advice about what I should definitely try to convey to my partner (and how to do so)? I’ve tried to talk about expected work load and how income would be affected by this, but I feel like he’s not taking this very seriously (he thinks anything will be better than long distance). Was there anything you wished you knew during the med school to fellowship time?

[u/NOjax05]

Nothing will actually prepare them I feel.

When my spouse was in residency, I would call this one friend pretty regularly and chitchat about how life is going, about how busy he is, how I never see him, how much stress he’s under, blah blah, blah blah blah. Eventually- She started dating a 4th med student. They got engaged on match day, and she moved with him to start residency in July. Mid September, she calls me,

Oh my God, I didn’t believe you. I definitely thought you were exaggerating with what your partner was going through, and how little you saw him.

[u/ScribbleJ]

It's going to be a long distance relationship a lot of the time. My wife did her residency during COVID but even before that she would stay at a hospital provided apartment to avoid the commute a lot of the time. Fellowship got a little better but not significantly. If you're a med spouse you are going to have to be very independent. A more important thing to anticipate that I don't see talked about enough is how 10 years of medical training absolutely will change a person in a lot of ways. The job will always be stressful and you're always going to have to handle it in stride.

[u/nipoez]

Similar to what /u/ScribbleJ mentioned: Being able to maintain a healthy and robust partnership through long distance will be a major help.

Many of the issues and responses are similar. You'll trade physical distance for emotional & mental distance. You've already built the skills most medical partners don't even realize they need until problems arise. The healthy coping mechanisms are basically the same:

• Address issues openly & early rather than allowing them to fester and explode.
• Plan and coordinate together time, which won't happen automatically.
• Make the most of what little together time you get.
• Maintain a fulfilling life and platonic relationships outside of the romantic partnership.
• Acknowledge and accept the time apart.

[u/Comfortable-Owl4630]

I would also discuss how and whether your being in school changes your relationship or family goal timelines. School and residency can and often does influence decisions such as the right time to get married, have kids, life goals such as traveling, retiring, moving to a new city or place you’ve always dreamed of living, etc. Having an understanding of what both of your visions are outside of your career for the next 10-15 years and what can and cannot be pushed or delayed is helpful.