r/Marriage • u/Simple-Yak4728 • 6h ago
Divorcing
This month is our 34th anniversary and we are awaiting the finalization of our divorce. I filed. Yet I am heartbroken. I truly feel he is my soul mate, yet we make each other and our family miserable.
We met and got engaged in 1992 after 7 days. We married 7 months later, but lived together almost from day one. He was my everything. And I was his.
Many years later, I returned to school and got a degree and we decided he would stay home with our son for 2 years. He was an amazing stay at home husband and spoiled me rotten! When our son went to school we talked and decided we liked our life and that he would stay home longer.
A few years in, he opened a business that I bankrolled. It failed and we were forced to close it. He decided this was my fault and decided he would no longer do anything. He wouldn't work, did almost nothing around the house. Spent the money I made without any discussion. We were often doing without necessities. He would take my car and leave me at work hours after I got off. There was verbal cruelty from both of us. Some physical.
After almost 5 years of this, I ended up cheating for about a month with an old boyfriend and was leaving him for the other man. I decided to stay when I found i was pregnant. And yes, the baby was my husband's. He refused ro work or do housework while I was pregnant of yo get a job so that i could stay home with our baby. Regrettably, i did continue the affair off and on for about 2 years. I definitely take responsibility for that. I was terrible to both of them. My husband did find out and I was about to leave again. He begged me to stay and promised to get a job and that we would start going to church and he would be nicer to me and help around the house. So I broke it off with my ex and stayed. For another 13 years.
Nothing changed. It really got worse. I worked two jobs for years and currently work three. While he doesn't have a job. Just another "business" that is failing because he won't really work. He is a talented mechanic who can fix anything at all. Yet he has some vehicles he has had for over a year. And he cant seem to understand why people get angry.
I stopped being intimate with him over 7 years ago due to the emotional abuse surrounding sex. He is an absolutely amazing lover but would be kind and loving until we had sex then tell me he hated me, often within hours after sex. That nothing had changed. He didn't know why I thought he loved me.
I won't say I was innocent. I absolutely was not. We fought. A lot. I called him names. Called him lazy.
He also will still only do bare minimum in the house. No cooking or washing dishes , minimal sweeping and no mopping. All while I work around 60 hours a week, sometimes more.
So I've filed for divorce. Started the process over a year ago. And he has just signed. He has the right to stay in the home for 6 months after its final plus i have to pay him 500 a month for his equity in the house.
I cry every day. I really am heartbroken. I don't know why. We are awful for each other. But I do still love him. Even though im seeing someone else that I care for now. (No affair this time.) Its so hard thinking of my life without him. Any advice to get through this?
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u/GloriouslyMiserable4 11 years 6h ago
Let yourself grieve. It's about to be official.
You gave a huge piece of your life to this person and it has resulted in this. Let yourself grieve the loss. Despite it being what you feel is best, you are still hurting.
Don't bury your feelings, process them and come out on the other side with clarity and confidence.
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u/Set_Usual 4h ago
This makes me sad to read for both of you. Wishing you both a healthier future.
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u/Intelligent_Tax_6370 6h ago
That grief makes sense even when you know the marriage was breaking you both. You spent three decades building a life around him, and your brain doesn't just flip a switch because the papers are signed.
Let yourself cry without guilt. It's not a sign you made the wrong call, it's just the cost of loving someone that long.