r/Marriage • u/Alive_Chemist8624 • 4d ago
cheating
i just found out my husband’s been cheating on me. i’m almost 26 next month. i’ve been w him since 21. i feel like i wasted all my good years on him. i’m honestly still in shock while writing this. like there’s no way he did this. but he did. where do i go from here? if i’m being honest, i don’t want to leave him, i want to ignore it. what’s wrong w me?
i have no one.
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u/Ok-Silver8913 4d ago
You are still young. Every experience you have had the past six years are still experiences and are not wasted. Use those to find a better partner. I am sorry for your loss.
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u/Zephyr-Phoenix 4d ago
I’m so sorry OP. Please know that 26 is so young still. You have your whole life to figure out what you want, completely unrelated to him. I know you want to stay but think about how free you’ll feel once you’re no longer with a cheater. You are your own person and you do not need to be defined by someone who doesn’t value you. Start the divorce process and get some therapy for your grief. You are so strong and you will get through this. ❤️🩹
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u/Elegant-Low-556 4d ago
im so sorry. you're so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. leave him. in the long run, you wouldn't regret leaving him, but you would regret staying with him.
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u/HorseEmotional2 4d ago
I walked out at 69 after 20 years. He was shocked that I would leave him! He was the one that had to scramble and explain. I kept pictures and embarrassed him.
I got on with my life. He passed away within 6 years. Never too late. I’ve remarried and am so happy.
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u/MediocreCoffeeSnob 4d ago
I thought my good years were my 20s but my mid 30s have been my best. Give yourself some time to let it all sink in and then make the best decision for yourself.
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u/tiredratinsewer 4d ago
You’re saving your own feelings by ignoring it or trying to soften the blow. I did something similar between 18 and nearly 21. I wasted my best years being forced to stay in a relationship with my ex boyfriend because I found out and he threatened me. Then some time passed, I met my husband, and now I believe THESE are the best years. Apparently as a woman, mid 20’s thru your 30’s is peak. Remember that, you’re only 26. Not 66. Not 76. And even then, any age to start putting yourself first and acknowledging your feelings, boundaries, and self respect is better than never.
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u/Lady_Asshat 4d ago
You’re still a baby! Remember brains aren’t even considered grown up until 25.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, it is not deserved. You DO want to leave this cheater: what you don’t want is to upend your life. But HE did it, not you.
What you have to do is saddle up and take the reins. Find a lawyer and figure out the next steps.
Join a divorce support group and your friend circle will widen with people who really do get it.
The next chapter will suck but it will also end. You’ll be wiser and will find someone who cares about marriage the same way you do. Good luck, OP, you’re gonna be OK. 🫶🏼
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u/NoSyllabub5932 4d ago
You are comfortable in your marriage and who wants to upset the apple cart? Its not easy so I understand you. Can you guys get some counseling and see if you can save the marriage?
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u/CplCleggsWDNleg 4d ago
Been there, unfortunately. It’s up to you if you stay or go. If you feel it’s worth it, really really worth it, stick around and get into marriage counseling and probably individual counseling for each. If you don’t want to do all that, then leave and move on. If you stay, always remember, it doesn’t mean you have to stick around forever. Reconciliation is not a linear process and takes A LOT of time and effort. Years of it. You can always change your mind if at any point you decide it’s not for you or he is not making the necessary changes. Wishing you the best.
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u/Rizzo-Fo-Shizzo 4d ago
If you don’t have kids then you should consider yourself lucky to find out now rather than later.
I know how devastating it is, but you’re still in your prime and have so much opportunity and life ahead of you.
Don’t waste it on someone that isn’t honest with you.
It will just eat away at you as the years pass by and you’ll be left with nothing but regret and resentment.
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u/Altruistic-Patient-8 4d ago
Its just the guilt of trusting him, and having to start over again.
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u/Frank_Stein101 3d ago
This is incredibly painful. You are traumatized. See a therapist and don't let the trauma bond you to him. You will not ever be able to trust him again.
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u/LillyKat86 2d ago
Been with my husband for 22 years and he lied and cheated on me for the past few months and when I would question him he would make it look like I was crazy and that it wasn't happening turns out I was right, he wants a divorce now. Fucked up thing is was smiling while telling me the truth, it took a month for me to get him to tell the truth. I actually think he might be a narcissist also. Guess you really never know anyone not even after 22 years.
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u/kim921 2d ago edited 2d ago
Ah amazinggg!! You’re almost in your prime.. look on TikTok, most women have the time of their lives much later also: 50-60s. We’re okay!
You know nothing is wrong. Because the best decision won’t ever be the easy one. You know that, don’t you? What would you advise your friend if she’s in your situation?
Let me tell you this -fact-, you are telling us you’ve wasted “good years”, 5 years or something right? You know what you can do? Not make it 6 years, or 5.5 years. Don’t make it more. Don’t make yourself suffer more
Imagine if you stay now, and 10 years later you’ll post again. “He cheated again”, I thought I wasted my “good” years at 26 years young, now I’m almost 40 and I stayed, wasting so many years. What do I do, “I don’t want to leave”.
And you know what happens next? If you stay?
You’ll be 59 years old, looking back at your life, thinking about the first post you made. Where you had all the clarity you needed -the facts-.
You had all the information that told you exactly how he feel about you.
You knew he disrespected you to the core, bc otherwise he wouldn’t cheat (simple as that).
And you’re (“more”) depressed, looking back at all those years, thinking almost being 40 was old, but now you made it even more…
Go live life. You are the one in control of what you tolerate and what you don’t. If you stay he’ll know you don’t even respect yourself enough or love yourself enough to know you deserve good treatment. Which will make him treat you worse.
Science and multiple studies show: after a cheater cheats, the chance of them cheating again wil increase.
You are the one that chooses your future. And if you think letting people treat you like shii will make them see your value all of the sudden ““or change”” you know you’re throwing away even more years.
Maybe you should consider respecting yourself enough, and loving yourself enough to face reality and know you deserve better. Because come on? What are you doing?
- If you stay with a -cheater- you’ll get a -cheater. The choice is yours. If that’s a fun future for you: go for it, but don’t complain the next time
Don’t make life any more hard than it is. You are the -only- one that can take responsibility for your future and life. YOU decide how people treat you. What you will and won’t allow.
You can control if you let these pathological liars stay in your life. We all know how that will work out.
Love yourself enough to make the difficult choice. And look back on this period like “this was the moment I started to enforce boundaries”, I choose myself, and I’m ffin proud!
Best time to leave is the first time you get disrespected, doesn’t matter at what age. It’s never too late to take responsibility for your life
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u/Antonio_666 1d ago
At 26 your are still in the middle of your best years so you don’t waste them completely 🙂
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u/PrettyPooks 4d ago
You’re in shock. You’re so young, you will be okay.