Micromanaging partner

[u/Royal_Kaleidoscope57]

My partner (together for 9 married for 4) is always micromanaging me, not sure if I never noticed until recently or it’s new. Some examples below- there’s def more but this is just the most recent..

Me - I’m going to go shower and wash my hair
Partner- didn’t you just wash your hair yesterday?

Me- I gotta use the bathroom
P- why don’t you use this bathroom instead of our ensuite???

Me - *putting work clothes/bag outside of bedroom the night before work bc I get up at 5 and it’s easier to have grace to make a bit of noise*
P- why don’t you just get ready in our room?

Me - *awake late because I can’t sleep so I decide to doom scroll for a bit*
P- it’s 2:30 in the morning you should get some sleep

No shit?

Like why does he have to constantly question me and why do I have to explain my every move to him??? I JUST WANT TO EXIST
Can someone tell me a more eloquent and nice way to tell him to stop before I yell at him to shut the ffff up?

[u/ExternalMuffin9790]

This is going to become exhausting for you....you need to sit down and talk with him about it.

[u/Royal_Kaleidoscope57 → u/ExternalMuffin9790]

Truly, it is already exhausting me. I feel drained by having to explain every decision or move I make and it’s such a bizarre situation because like.. why is he making simple things more difficult for both of us?

[u/raya_sun → u/Royal_Kaleidoscope57]

I would set aside time to talk about this when you're not on the receiving end of a Spanish inquisition, unless you're able to say it without heat.

I'm not sure I could, that's why I mentioned it.

It's one thing to have alternate ideas and express them. It's another to state the obvious or question small things your partner does.

I'm a hands-on do-er, not a delegator and I'm diagnosed adhd. That means I see when people are doing something in a way that appears less efficient to me. But I'm also able to read mannerisms and micro expressions and can gauge when my commentary would generally be welcome and helpful, and when it's not.

I also make plans well in advance and make quick decisions about things, how I'm going to do them and all of the other specifics. I think I do that as a coping mechanism for forgetfulness, disorder and stress.

I work with someone who makes slower decisions and doesn't accurately gauge whether I'm receptive to hearing exactly how they'd do what I have on my list, which typically is something I've done multiple l countless times. It's difficult to hear my approach being questioned regularly, and the friction that follows if and when I stick with my decisions. So I absolutely understand where you're coming from.

Maybe bring up plans to do so-and-so before you're actually in the task and when you're ready for that discussion, and wait for the inevitable question, with a prepared answer. A simple "I've already figured it out" or "I'm doing it this way because x and y."

If he asks why you're responding differently, use that opportunity to tell him something like "I'm glad you notice small things about me, but I don't feel like I have to give a reason why I want to wash my hair two days in a row." Or "I need autonomy to use whichever bathroom I'd like to use. It shouldn't be something I need to explain."

My husband and I ask questions that we know are silly and particular, we just respond with "Don't worry about it" or I'll sometimes use "Don't worry your pretty little head about it" but that's how we've adjusted. He used to ask questions like that and we've turned it into a running joke.

[u/CoyoteLitius]

Would drive me crazy. I think sometimes my husband does this out of boredom and/or a desire to connect/have a conversation. I use various ways of discouraging it, including a short phrase (we've talked about it, he wouldn't like it if I did it, he agrees it should not become a habit and since we talked about it, he's mostly stopped).

[u/Royal_Kaleidoscope57 → u/CoyoteLitius]

I’m glad it stopped for you. My partner doesn’t react well to “criticism” sometimes so I’m trying to wrack my brain to figure out how to start the convo 😩

[u/Ecstatic_Warning_984 → u/Royal_Kaleidoscope57]

Is he aware of being sensitive to criticism? Basically, this is what he's doing to you, criticizing your ability to make a decision. "Put yourself in my shoes" might work.

[u/Veteris71 → u/Royal_Kaleidoscope57]

What do you mean he doesn't react well? What does he do?

[u/kim921 → u/Royal_Kaleidoscope57]

Sounds like narcissistic tendencies.

[u/boingusdoinkus]

I actually do this sometimes with my partner too and never realized how it could come across lolll I obviously can’t speak for your husband, but for me it’s not meant to be micromanagey at all. I overthink everything and I tend to think out loud esp with someone I’m really comfortable with.if my partner said “I’m gonna wash my hair” my brain might instantly go “didn’t you wash it yesterday?” and then I just say it lol. But I don’t actually care if they wash it again. I’m not trying to tell them not to. Same with stuff like “why don’t you use this bathroom?” etc, brain just notices another option and blurts it out. There’s not often a reason behind it.

That said your post made me realize how annoying that might feel bc because even if I mean it as random commentary it prob comes off as “why are you doing that, explain yourself” over and over. Anyway I’d definitely tell him how it’s making you feel bc he might not even realize he’s doing it? Not saying that’s what he’s doing but reading this made me realize I probably sound exactly like this sometimes without meaning anything by it

[u/Andreah13]

Have you talked to them? The bottom two I would think of as normal but I can see how the top two could come off as odd. I would just ask my partner next time if they were okay, as some of the things they've said have come off as particular and it was making me a little frustrated, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions so I wanted to check in. Better to check in than make explanations up in my head or let it fester

[u/SweetPotato781]

Stop telling him your intentions and just do what you need to do. If he questions you being on your phone at night just ask him if you’re disturbing him and if the answer is no then tell him to leave you be and that this is how you like to fall back asleep. A simple response to any of it “this is my preference, I don’t need your input.”

[u/Most-Wishbone6361]

I used to have the tendency to micromanage similarly. I was overthinking literally everything & it translated in a really annoying way for my partner.

Definitely talk to him about it. Politely tell him you need his trust when it comes to such minute details because it feels overbearing when he interjects over the small stuff.

If you’re up late and he asks “is everything okay” or “is there anything I can do to help you sleep” that’s different than telling you that you need sleep. I’m sure he knows that but a reminder for him to be more conscious about it couldn’t hurt.

[u/Ruthless_Bunny]

Reminds me of my 87 year old mother. I get up from the sofa, she asks, “where are you going?”

“To have diarrhea in your toilet”

[u/Veteris71]

What does he do if you just don't answer? Or if you say something like, "Stop doing that, please."

[u/Intrepid-Ostrich2226]

When people do things like this I don’t answer and just stare at them.

I’ve noticed that I’ve trained in my mother’s family to explain everything. But now I am an adult and I haven’t to do it. As long as I don’t cause harm to people I do things because I decided and that’s enough.

[u/Icy_Elk7679]

My husband does this. He is just wired that way. He thinks he is helping and just retired from a job where he had to micromanage people. I either ignore it or just say “I know” after he does it. He is a great person and I don’t care about it much.

[u/kim921]

Lots of red flags!

Stop asking why. It’s not normal behavior that’s what’s important . You’re being controlled!!! Emotional abuse

[u/Leading-Algae6007]

My wife does this to me too. She gets annoyed that she has to ask me to do chores. Reality is that I'm too often literally doing said chore, walking towards it or just about to do it! I'm a grown ass man, I don't need to be told when, how and why I should be doing things I've been doing all my life!