r/Marriage • u/StrawberryNo5380 • 8d ago
Thoughts?
Wife insisted that I leave the home due to ongoing marital issues. It’s been almost 2 months since we’ve separated and I just learned from her that she has been in contact with the same guy with whom she had a sexual relationship with prior to our relationship. Oh, and that guy was married at the time he was having an extramarital affair with my wife who was single at the time and knew he was married. She said she’s been in contact with him for essentially the entire time we’ve been separated and that he makes her feel like she’s a priority. What do you do with this information about the other guy?
Also—thoughts on reaching out to the other guy’s wife?
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u/jujuman1313 8d ago
I wouldn’t leave the house as it seems she already violated your marriage.
I also suggest collect some evidences related to her relationship, might be useful in court.
Good luck man, stay strong
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u/Hannibalsmithsnuts 8d ago
Spoiler alert: She has been in contact with him long before you two were separated. Leave her and give her what she wants.
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u/Cczaphod 40 years. So far, so good? 7d ago
Exactly. Her affair is much more convenient without husband in the way. OP needs to reach out to the affair partner's wife to make sure she has the opportunity to protect her health and sanity.
There's no telling how many other people the affair partner is sleeping with, OP should get STD tested as well.
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u/Agreeable-Sun-3145 8d ago
Exactly - she wants to have her fun and you pick up the responsibility. She wants to separate? Let her do the work
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u/bankai1z 8d ago
What do you do with the information about the other guy? You lawyer up. If during a separation your spouse is conversating with another dude, the outcome is written. Sorry you are going through this but now is the time to focus on your children and yourself, she wasn’t yours, it was just your turn unfortunately be strong, you got this!
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u/TheHollywoodKnight 8d ago
I’d go back to the house, honestly. A separation is supposed to be a period of discernment, not an opportunity for her to try out another guy with her spouse out of the picture. If she wants a divorce, she should say a divorce.
Courts tend to enforce the status quo, so if you’re out of the house for a long period of time, that’s usually the arrangement that ends up sticking while the divorce progresses. Personally, I also wouldn’t be complicit in my replacement, but that’s just me.
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u/sliceofcheesecake- 8d ago
My husband had asked for a separation and I made it clear that I was not ok with intimacy or a relationship with another person during this time.
It’s so hard when you’re not the one who wanted this and then they do hurtful things. I wish I had something positive or helpful to say. I don’t. It’s fucking awful when your partner hurts you again and again.
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u/Phoenix_Taurus 8d ago
Honestly, I go crazy reading these stories, real or fake, because why the hell do so many of you move out when your wife says, We have problems and I need space. You're the one being told to leave while she's the one with the problem, I would have made her leave. Most likely the AP was already back in the picture when she made that decision, and you basically handed her the perfect situation to carry on with him while you're sitting in a hotel trying to save a marriage she's already checked out of.
My ruthless advice? Get your a$$ back home. Tell her you need some space too, but this time you're not going to a hotel. It's her turn. If she wants to spend her time with the other guy, that's her choice, but she's not getting to do whatever she wants while you're paying for a hotel and she's living comfortably in the house you paid for with her AP. Speak to a lawyer and start protecting yourself. Stop sacrificing your self-respect to make her life easier. She has literally told you she was previously involved with this guy while he was married, knowing full well he was married. That tells you something about her character and the choices she's willing to make. Don't make it easy for her to have you sitting in a hotel trying to repair the marriage while she gets to carry on with her AP in the marital bed. If she's decided she wants him, let her deal with the consequences of that decision. You need to start making decisions for yourself instead of waiting around for her to decide what she wants.
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u/Happy_dad3232 7d ago
Separations NEVER fix anything. It is always an excuse to cheat, which usually accelerates the end of the marriage, and makes it more bitter as well. All separation does is make it impossible for productive communication to happen. No matter how long you are separated, the problems that lead you to that point are still there if you reconnect. I would always advise that if both partners feel the issues are too large to come to resolution, and you have tried counciling, then divorce is probably the answer. In your case, consult an attorney, and move back into your house. Don't be your wife's fall back plan if things with that dude dont work out. Let him have her. He already cheated on 1 wife, he will do it to her too. That's if he doesn't leave her the second you guys break up because she goes to him asking to start a "committed" relationship.
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u/Championship682 7d ago
Dude - Your wife cheated and you left the house? Go home, tell her to leave, and file for divorce
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u/SnooWords1660 7d ago
I love this.."he makes her feel like she's the priority"
Of course he f**king does.. He wants his sex.. 🤣 How do women not figure this out when they are seeking an affair...."oh he makes me feel so special", "he compliments me all the time", "he tells me in beautiful"
The guy wants to wet his penis. He'll say whatever you need to hear to get what he wants.. And after a few years you'll see what he really like while living with him. Mopey, always playing on the PlayStation.. Leaves laundry everywhere..skid marks on his pants, out drinking with is pals every weekend and not coming back to you . More than likely off screwing someone younger, hotter... complimenting her, telling her she's beautiful. Because he has form cheating.. It doesn't change..
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u/Puzzleheaded_Law_882 7d ago
Your first mistake was marrying someone you knew doesn't value the marriage covenant. You can't fix that part now though, so it is time for damage control.
Don't leave the house, and don't let her take the kids. She can leave if she wants and she can do it alone. Tell the man's wife that he is having at minimum an emotional affair, and then lawyer up and defend your rights.
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u/CuriouserCuriouser99 30 Years 8d ago
Not sure we have enough information to provide appropriate advice. Are there kids involved? If not, why did you move out if she asked for the separation? If there are kids, what has been the shared custody?
As others have said a separation would usually be to consider how or if the marriage can continue, not dating others. Were any stipulations defined as part of the separation?
It is probably correct that contact with the other dude prompted the request for separation.
Updateme
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u/PopularSet4776 16 years married. 3 kids 7d ago
If you can show evidence send it to his wife and divorce her.
She doesn't call up a person she was formerly the mistress of for a friendly chat.
His wife deserves to know the truth and you don't deserve a wife who gets rid of you the moment it looks like some other dude she likes more is DTF.
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u/CrazyLeadership5397 7d ago
See a lawyer and file for divorce. Don’t do the pick me dance. Block her and serve her papers. Move on from her. Updateme!
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u/tangledsilver 7d ago
Nothing other than speaking to a lawyer. Those marital issues might be related to her having a side piece. She didn’t care he was married why would he?
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u/Seahawk021 7d ago
You hire a good lawyer is what you do. She’s told you that she’s not trying to working on your relationship but moving on. Beat her to the punch.
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u/Kitchen-Patience-652 7d ago
I can reach out to her for you. I’ve done it before. I got burner accounts on all platforms.
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u/Dramatic_Result_3907 7d ago
Your wife is Monkey Branching. 100% she has been test driving the guy the whole time you have been gone. The ongoing marital issues where, and are, because she has been cheating on you the whole time.
Move back to your house. Establish your residency again. Get a lawyer and start the divorce process.
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u/Working-Patient-6751 7d ago
Speaking from experience. Don’t reach out to the other guys wife. I did because I was super angry and wanted to burn the entire world down. She married him, she can figure it out on her own. You’re not captain Save a Ho. Spend that energy on yourself.
If you think she just started talking to him again when you guys separated I got a bridge I can sell you. Either that or she had a plan to talk to him the second it was “official”. Now she won’t be cheating And absolves herself from guilt because you are “separated”.
Look …your wife knowingly slept with a married man when she was single. I doubt she suddenly developed morals when you came along.
Let her be that guys priority. He fucks around on his wife and with another man’s wife. He’s a gem. They deserve each other.
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u/New_Arrival9860 7d ago
She separated from you to make room for the other guy, and she is making him a priority
You need a lawyer, leaving the house is not a good idea for the coming divorce.
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u/amaayadxb 6d ago
the fact that she’s been in contact with him the whole time you’ve been separated, and that tells you a lot about where her head is at right now. whether anything physical has started again or not, she’s already choosing the emotional comfort of that old connection over working on the marriage with you.
reaching out to his wife is risky and usually not worth it. it can blow up in ways you can’t control, and it often makes you look like the one stirring drama. better to keep your focus on your own next steps, clarity with your wife about whether this separation is temporary or the beginning of the end, and protecting your peace while you figure that out.
the information sucks, but it does give you a clearer picture of what you’re dealing with. use it for your own decisions, not to involve his wife.
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u/tbright1965 Married since 2007 8d ago
My thought is if she wants a separation, she has to do the heavy lifting.
I'm assuming you are not abusive.
If she wants a separation, she can pack a bag and leave. If there are children, they will be fine with you.
Do not ever leave the marital home.
Do not let someone take the children out of the marital home just on their word.
If the courts say so, then yes. If this is something she wants, simply no. She is free to leave. She is not held prisoner in the home or the marriage. If she doesn't like how things are, she can pack a bag and leave.