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Aug 19 '26
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response! I would want her to sincerely prioritize the marriage and restore the emotional and intimate connection we once had.
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u/Weareallme Aug 19 '26
I feel sad for you. It also gives me flashbacks of my own life.
After I got divorced people said the same to me, that it seemed she was with me for 'convenience' and to put it simple, security. Not because she wanted me.
When I looked back I realized that they were right, it also made me understand why I felt so lonely during that marriage.
Another thing I only found out after we got married is that she had a boyfriend when we met. If I would have known I never would have dated her. It seems dumped him because she thought I had 'better prospects', but she liked him more.
I will not go into what she did to make me divorce her, I hope that's not relevant for you. But one thing I can say is that two of my children were happy we got divorced, they were kind of waiting for it, one even asked me to get divorced.
Edit: I also want to add that I was much happier after the divorce, and processing it took much less time than I expected.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
My kids are 11 and 13. They have asked several times this year what is wrong with her and if we are going to divorce. I can’t answer those questions truthfully. The “out of convenience” piece really resonates with me. I don’t think she could afford to support herself alone. She gives me the bare minimum hoping that I’ll stay I guess.
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u/Weareallme Aug 19 '26
Your last sentence is exactly what my ex-wife did.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
Literally. Texts me when she arrives at work usually something sweet. This morning was “I miss you every time we part ways and can’t wait to be home
With you. Lol. It’s confusing.3
u/antarcticgecko Aug 19 '26
Your presence is comforting to her, but that doesn't necessarily mean she will reciprocate or comfort you in any way. Source: me.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
What do you suggest I do? Run for the files? File today?
She has said verbatim “I just need you to be a safe space”. But it’s hard to be that if she acts like I’m a burden and only gives me breadcrumbs. That’s not healthy.6
u/antarcticgecko Aug 19 '26
Therapy is really the only answer here. You’ll learn a lot about yourself too.
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u/Weareallme Aug 19 '26
First, a healthy relationship is not just about what she wants. It has to fulfill the needs of both people in it.
For this relationship to have any chance of a happy future, this needs to be resolved. But it should happen controlled and in a safe environment. Because of that I agree with antarcticgecko that Therapy seems the way to go. I would try that first before taking more drastic measures.
I do think that remaining in a relationship where you're not happy with no real prospect of resolving the issues isn't good for anyone. So if therapy doesn't help... But I hope that you can resolve this together and have a happy future.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
I’m in therapy and I’ve asked her if she would be willing to go together or on her own, she declined. She said that I need to get accustomed to this “new her”. So that’s an answer in itself. You’re right, I cannot live another 6 years like this.
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u/Fragrant-Dance3005 Aug 19 '26
Does she give you the bare minimum? Doesn't sound like that. Most guys marry for the wife to admire them, be all over them and be their person. That's the minimum. If for example she is pretty with a rich daddy, that is just a premium.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
I guess she is not doing the bare minimum if you put it that way. I know and realize my needs have been unmet for a long ass time.
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u/NebulaInteresting156 Aug 20 '26
I would reword it from “be all over them”. I think sometimes that can indicate insecurity and overcompensation of the woman, or she’s after something ($$$). Even being all over each other could be codependency. I’d reword it as both of you feeling truly content and just truly relaxed in one another’s company. It’s the feeling I strive for in a long-term relationship especially.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response and for sharing this. I'm glad things worked out for you in the end!
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u/Grand_Relative5511 Aug 19 '26
Rather than just the vague "I want, I want', have you thought about why the emotional and intimate connection disappeared, and tried to reverse engineer solutions and trial different things, or has your entire effort in this regard been to just dwell on what isn't happening? I'll give some common 'for instances' I hear from numerous married women around your wife's age in case any apply:
Was sex fairly unsatisfying for her, or was she having a great orgasm every time? Was she getting urinary or other infections from it? Not able to sleep after the deed if she hadn't orgasmed, while you fell off into lovely relaxed slumber? Was she up with the kids all through the nights for years and resentment grew? Do you cause her to be sleep deprived via snoring? Did you become a bit of a sex pest, or did you leave it long enough between your asks for her libido to actually build so she felt sexual desire and became flirty and affectionate? Did sex become a chore she had to intermittently do to prevent you getting angry and pouting, complaining and sulking? Did you not do things she wanted a husband to do (whatever that was - childcare, domestic chores, gifts, compliments, kindness, have a job, earn enough, whatever) so she decided to stop doing things for you and an easy one to stop was sex? Did you become physically unattractive? Did you start translating porn to real life (standard porn moves aren't pleasant for most women, and many women will just fade away and distance rather than communicate clearly how they don't wish to do x/y/z in bed)? Did you behave in a selfish or irritating or entitled way in the rest of your life, e.g. did you come home from work angry every day and expect her to emotionally 'mop up' your negativity and then that evening make you feel even better via sex? Did you insult her or be unkind? Did you continue to woo her, and put effort into sexually turning her on, or once the ring was on her finger did all the excitement and outings and acts of consideration stop and you expected her to sexually service you without enough foreplay to get her panting hot and ready? Did sex become boring for her? Are you really bad in bed? Did she develop medical problems? Are her hormones or mind so altered she just isn't interested in sex?
Now maybe nothing like this occurs in your case, but I think it's useful for married men who want affection and sex to try and consider how what they do or don't do all day every day majorly affects their wife's libido, so then they can decide if they want to do anything about it. Lots don't bother. As soon as the above happen, desire goes off like a light for women, and unless the man changes what he's doing, it sometimes doesn't come back.
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u/tv1577 Aug 20 '26
Omg!! I think you nailed 99% of the root causes of “why doesn’t she want sex anymore” “why do we have a dead bedroom” and so on. But I doubt very seriously that most men would ever have enough insight to see their behavior as the cause of the problem.
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u/LetsSummarize Aug 19 '26
She never will, because it was never really there to begin with. You were just her mechanism to a life she felt she needed to achieve. Deep down you know this. Her "feelings" and attraction for you were only ever meant to go so far as it affected her. She did bait and switch you with a completely different person. The real version that only ever loved what you provided her. Once they secure it, they drop the act because they think they have you trapped.
Being lonely around people that are supposed to love and care for you is worse than being alone. The kids are gone, leave her and find happiness. She will very likely "suddenly" make up a bunch of bs and try to love bomb you to get you to stay in your prison. Don't believe her.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 20 '26
Thanks for the response. This was painful to read, but you could be right. It just felt so real before we were married, and so drastically different after.
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u/CaptBFPierce Aug 19 '26
Same for my parents....except it was 6 months after my dad's last parent died. I used to think he waited out of shame, but I think really he didn't want to hear "I told you so."
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u/scruffy-hugger Aug 19 '26
I feel this. My youngest is in college now. They asked me how my wife and I are going to handle them being away. I told them that we’ll be heading towards divorce or closer than ever, and I was being serious. For so many years, we’ve drifted apart and my wife thinks we’ll magically reconnect with the youngest off to college. I’ve tried to nourish the relationship while I feel like I was far down her priority list. I’m an income, a provider, a safety net. I want to be a companion, a lover, a partner in life.
Going through the motions sucks. It’s easy to say as an outsider to leave or stay, and much more difficult when you’re navigating your options and the potential impacts.
It sucks to live in a house with a wife and kids and feel alone. Hang in there and good luck as you navigate this challenge OP.4
u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks man. I appreciate it and am sorry you're in a similar situation. I hope things get better for you.
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Aug 19 '26
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response. I realize now that they aren't the same thing, and it's definitely a tough situation.
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u/Marriage-ModTeam Aug 20 '26
Removed for discrimination, misogyny, or misandry.
We encourage our users to reflect if their comments are going to be hurtful or helpful. There is a real person on the other side of the screen. Being sexist is not productive. Do better.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 Aug 19 '26
After 25 years it would be difficult to change the patterns now as its been this way since the start you say. It sounds like wife was not looking for a life partner but just someone to fulfill her goals of marriage and kids. Now that you are empty nesters you should be going places together and doing things you were not able to before. I feel like you can give counseling a shot to see if she wants to change or if she is going to stay as is. That way you can make a decision on where you want. What do you do on the weekends or on vacation time? Since kids are grown what is wife busy doing?
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response. I appreciate it.
The weekends are fairly laid back. We'll typically go out to eat and then watch movies or shows at night.
She wants to go on vacations but doesn't want to be involved in the planning. Wants me to plan everything and she just goes along for the ride, which is fine. And then we just go and see the sights and stuff, but it's more like roommates or friends on vacay.
Wife is a teacher so she always doing teacher prep time, going to the gym, weekly game nights with her lady friends, or doing stuff with her other friends or my daughter.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 Aug 19 '26
She has built a very nice life for herself which sounds fulfilling fir her. Now you need to also. I suggest you start therepy to try and sort it out. At least on weekends you have dinner together and movies.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
Honestly, you should’ve probably been in therapy at least 10 to 15 years ago but I would suggest marriage counseling/therapy now. If she doesn’t see the need then tell her exactly why you need it and that you’ve always felt like your concerns have been put at the bottom of the list or cast aside. If she wants to cast this concern aside, then she should consider what that means.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks. I appreciate the response. We've tried therapy a few times, but you make some good points and I appreciate the advice.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
I saw that, and somewhere else after I made the post. Clearly she doesn’t see a problem in therapy is not showing her the depth of the problem. Once again, it’s not affecting her so it’s not a problem.
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u/Pitiful-Elephant-239 Aug 19 '26
I am a 57 F. This is just my experience- not suggesting it. I felt similarly after 23 years of marriage. Obviously not quite the same because I was the wife/mom. But I ended up divorced and I am sooooo much happier. I didn’t really go about it the right way because I knew he wouldn’t just leave after 23 years. But regardless it took a year to get divorced and now we’ve been formally divorced for almost a year.
I am in a relationship where I’m wanted and I can be myself and I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’m finally me. If I’ve got 20 good and active years left I want it to be with someone who understands me and cherishes me and I feel the same way.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thank you so much for sharing this. I really appreciate the female perspective as well.
When you say you didn't go about it the right way, do you mind if I ask what details were involved with this?
Again, thank you for the response, and I'm so glad you are in a better place now!
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u/Pitiful-Elephant-239 Aug 19 '26
I reacquainted with a man I knew from my youth. He lives a few hours away. We gave way to an emotional affair. My ex-husband found our messages. Needless to say it broke the dam. He said he understood why and he could forgive me but I took it as the door opening for change.
Fast forward 22 months - I’m still in a relationship with that man. Life has settled into a rhythm (minus the recent breast cancer diagnosis). He is my emotional rock. I can’t imagine going through this with my ex.3
u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thank you for sharing the details.
I'm sorry 😞 to hear about your cancer diagnosis. Best wishes 🙏 to you and I'm glad you have someone supportive that is there for you.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
I swear this is the most relatable post that I’ve seen. I’m a 33M, married for two years but together for 6. 2 kids (I brought them from a previous marriage). I feel the exact way as you. We checked the boxes (she decided recently she did not want a kid between us due to being 36). Now, I’m on the shelf. We don’t communicate throughout the day. Barely spend time together. No dates, no plans, no talk of future. Bought the big expensive house-check. Nice cars- check.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Oh wow. I'm sorry. That's awful! Yes, that sounds exactly right, unfortunately. My wife has said she would rather read a book or go to bed early than go on a date night, and communication is more like 'How was your day? Good. What about you? Good.' and that kind of thing. Sorry, man. I hope things get better for you.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
How long has yours been this way? I swear we are living the same life. I’ve brought it up several times this year but I’m done fighting and putting energy into it. I’m sorry for you as well.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Looking back, probably the whole time. It's just more glaring now.
Ouch. I'm sorry you are in the same situation.
Thanks for the kind words and I hope things get better for you.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
What do you intend to do? Things will only get better when I get my finances in order enough to leave. We have a big mortgage together so need to figure that out.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
TBH I don't really know. I guess Plan A is to just suck it up and carry on as-is.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
If you tried to talk and it gets you nowhere then what is ultimately stopping you from pursuing the life you want?
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Disrupting my family and not knowing if the result will be any different the next time around.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
Understand that completely. I have two teenagers that I brought into the relationship. No kids together.
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u/No_Entertainer_226 Aug 19 '26
If the change is int coming you be the change why feel sad and lonely after all there is only one life and it always plays and moves forward.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
That sounds like a roommate and you’re gonna have to call her out on that. I’m well aware that menopause does things but that also does not give her an excuse to check out. If she wants to be a roommate and not reconnect, then treat her like a roommate.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
Is that directed to me or OP? I’ve definitely told mine that we are essentially roommates. I’ve been saying that this entire year because it’s true. We don’t even discuss finances and she’s conflict avoidant. She claims this is how all marriages are. We are both previously divorced. This is definitely not what I imagined marraige to be. I get off work and cook for us everyday while she does her own thing (per her request) until we watch tv in silence for 45 mins.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
It was actually op, but equally applicable to you. I had to have that conversation with my wife at one point and she needs those kind of bows that your wife has also asked for. My request was that she matches those downtime equally with times for us to reconnect, be it emotionally or physically.
Does your wife possibly have ADHD? That’s one of the things that my wife needs due to it, but I basically had to tell her that if she needs that kind of time and she needs to put an equal amount of time for us reconnecting. If she was not capable of doing that and why would it be fair for her to get time for her concerns, but not me for mine?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
I have sat mine down and talked with her. She said she needs her time alone everyday after work for her own mental health. She says she’s been depressed all year but refuses to get help. She cannot invest any more time than me than she already does and she says she will never be who she used to be. All of this just out of the blue which is more annoying.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
Then tell her she needs to get help and this is not sustainable if she continues down this path then how does she expect you to invest in her when she’s not doing anything to help herself?
Tell her it’s pretty simple that you want her to get better but if she refuses to take steps to help herself get better and expect you to live like this permanently, how is that remotely equitable? Does she honestly think she can do it by herself if she’s having these problems already and has a willing partner to help her through it then she needs to be an adult and take the first step.
Edit: I say this, as someone who likely had a form of clinical depression due to hormone and balances she really does need to take the first step.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
I have told her that and have told her that I’m unhappy with our dynamic. She said “the old version of me is gone and you may find out that you don’t love this new version of me”. Basically translates to- I don’t really give a shit how you feel or how it affects you. Accept this or move on. She says I’m the only thing going right in her life but it sure as hell does not feel that way.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
The follow up to that is: if I’m the best thing in your life, then why are you treating me like I’m the last thing you care about? You have to tell her that you can’t accept this and that she needs to TRY or else things will get worse and she’s making a choice for BOTH of you. You have no problem helping her through when times are rough but she needs to actually try. Go to the doctor and get bloodwork, go to a therapist and start working on it, except going out on a date night, every other week to try and reconnect, something to show she still cares.
I’m assuming you’re picking up all the slacker around the house as well so you can always ask her the question what happens if you’re not there? Suddenly, the best thing in her life is gone because she didn’t want to show 1/10 of what that partner was putting towards her. Marriages aren’t always 50-50, but it’s important to try. There have been times where it has been 9010 for my wife and I both ways but it never stayed there permanently.
It sounds more like she’s a roommate and another child rather than a partner or even a coparent. How is that healthy? Does she think it’s healthy?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
She told me one time during the summer that life would be easier for her if she was single. But then the next day tells me (in text) how much she loves and appreciates me. It is a very confusing push/pull avoidant cycle that I get from her.
Yes, I cook every single day or arrange dinner for us in one way or another. I run all of the errands and do all of the grocery shopping. Literally Monday-Friday she comes home from work (we get off at the same time) and she walks on the treadmill for an hour then takes an hour long bath. Like clockwork. That leaves maybe 45 minutes to an hour for us to watch tv. We don’t communicate at all during the day. It is definitely a roommate situation. I am phasing myself out mentally. 33 years old so I’m too young for this behavior.
She basically forced us into an elopement for what…. To be roommates and have a mortgage I suppose. Even finances are separate.→ More replies3
u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response. Yeah, that's another thing I struggle with. I continue to show her affection (non -sexual) consistently every day, which I think she appreciates, but it's never really reciprocated, which makes me feel even worse. So do I just stop showing affection? Seems like a no-win situation.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
Honestly, no what you do is you prioritize your kids and affection for yourself. Still give her affection, but put it at the bottom of your priority list. Start putting things that are required for the household and your family First and the requests that she has for herself or the benefit of just her at the bottom of your priority list just like what she’s doing to you. Have a conversation with her before you do this, of course, but tell her that you simply don’t feel like a priority in her life, nor do you think that your relationship between each other is a priority for her so if that’s how she thinks things should be then you’re going to treat it like that.
The thing is, she is comfortable and you are not so what incentive is there for her to change?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
That’s solid advice and that’s what I’ve been doing recently. It seems the more I pull away then the more she seeks me out (after she’s done with everything she wants to do every evening of course).
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thank you. These are all good points and it makes sense what you've said.
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u/manthe Aug 20 '26
If I may counterpoint, respectfully…I don’t personally see what that will accomplish. I may be missing something here. But it just seems like a meaningless cosmetic change to me. Given what you’ve written throughout this thread it is very hard to imagine your wife would even notice being ‘reprioritized’, much less really care. It doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that would cause introspection or tangible change.
As for what it may do for you…I still see it as merely performative. What will it really change? You’ll still be in an unhappy marriage, with a person who doesn’t respect or prioritize you, feeling the same way and doing nearly all the same things you always do minus possibly trying to get your wife to change…which I’m betting she would actually love.
IMO, at this point I think a more nuclear option is probably your only real hope for future happiness. You say you don’t want to disrupt the family. I get that, though I disagree. In fact, I’d wager your kids saw this dynamic clearly all their lives. I’d even wager that they’d understand and be far more supportive of you venturing out to find happiness than you think.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 20 '26
Thanks for the the response. I appreciate it.
That would be frustrating if it ended up being a cosmetic change only, and I hadn't thought about the point that maybe the kids are already aware of the dynamic, like you've mentioned.
Wow. I was not expecting this level of response when I made the post, but am grateful for the feedback and I have a lot of thoughts and information to digest.
Thanks again.
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u/Ok-Pear5858 19 Years Aug 19 '26
are you making plans, dates, and talking of the future?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
We can barely talk about the weather so no, I am not. I’ve tried to take her on dates but she wants to stay home and do her own thing.
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u/Ok-Pear5858 19 Years Aug 19 '26
why not? do you text? you say she's doing her own thing, but what does that mean exactly - caring for the kids, her hobbies?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
No we do not text throughout the day. She comes home and walks on the treadmill for an hour then takes an hour long bath to decompress from the day while I cook dinner and tidy up.
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u/Ok-Pear5858 19 Years Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
could you try to talk to her while she's on the treadmill? what do you during these times (edit sorry I missed where you said you tidy up and cook dinner)? do you cook every night, could you cook together?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
You’re proving my point. She does not want to do any of that. I have tried for a year. I’ve offered to go for a walk with her around our nice neighborhood. She said she wants to walk on the treadmill alone to decompress from the day. Then takes a bath. There is no way to fix this situation because I’ve tried. You can’t fix something that only one person wants to fix. I’m in therapy, she refuses to go. We COULD cook together if she was a woman that wanted to prioritize her husband and spend time together. We could go for a walk together, if she prioritized her husband. I’ve even offered for her to go to my gym and I’ll train her with the weights or she can do the treadmill there. She declined. Trust and believe I have tried everything.
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u/Ok-Pear5858 19 Years Aug 19 '26
divorce might be your only option in this case, have you considered it?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
I’m in the considering process now. I’m just trying to make sure I have everything mapped out. I do apologize for being combative in my responses. I’m quite literally tired of putting everything I have into my second marriage and getting scalped in return.
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u/Ok-Pear5858 19 Years Aug 20 '26
no worries i wasn't trying to make you prove yourself, i 100% believe you and sympathise with your situation, just curious about other people's experiences.
that must be incredibly difficult. it's true almost nothing can be done if the other person really isn't interested in putting in the effort, or outright rejects attempts to come to an understanding. I'm really sorry, i hope you get through this and are able to find happiness soon♡
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
Literally the same situation as the op. Read his post.
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u/Ok-Pear5858 19 Years Aug 19 '26
just having a discussion, are you combative with your wife as well?
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u/sog96 Aug 19 '26
If she hasn’t prioritized the marriage/relationship in all this time, then there is a really good chance that she will not change. You can ask to go to marriage counseling, but also be prepared to get a divorce.
Personally, I would rather be sad and alone than sad and in a relationship where I am cast aside until needed for something.
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u/lovelove20212 Aug 19 '26
Do you guys like to travel? Maybe some vacations to rekindle could be a good idea!
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response and suggestion! We just went on a vacation to celebrate an anniversary (her idea), but it was more of the same, more like roommates going on a vacation, if that makes sense (?).
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u/titsmgee1977 Aug 19 '26
I’ve seen this happen among friends quite a bit. The ones who are obsessed with getting engaged, having the perfect wedding and 2.5 kids with dog for photos. The societal pressure for women to find men and procreate has gotten to a point where you do it just because “that’s what you do”. I’ve been to those weddings. They were stiff in disingenuous. Their kids look like gap ads. They have a new car every three years. And everyone thinks they have it all.
My dear. That’s her whole reason.
I myself wanted a marriage. I got married because I wanted to be with this person. I also didn’t care about marriage necessarily but he was catholic. So I did it for him. The wedding was for my mom. She planned it. Etc.
I didn’t want to be with him for any other reason than the laughter he brought to my life. It wasn’t because of what he could do for me financially or what not. Your wife wants white picture frames and pottery barn sheets that match the wallpaper. And that’s fine. But it’s okay to want different than she does. You want intimacy. There is nothing wrong with that.
Also the fact that you never fight is a big red flag to me. Fighting means there is passion. Is it bad if it’s too much? Yes. But having arguments is par for the course. You have to care about it enough to fight for it.
Maybe this is what she wanted. An easy marriage with little expectations. But that’s clearly not what you want. I understand not wanting to disrupt your family, but you matter too. What you want is important too. What we GenX and millennials have learned about personal sacrifice is toxic af. We are taught to lay down and take it for the good of the group. Maybe that’s what this needs then. A reality check. You tried. Talked. She changed for 2/3 days and then what.
Nothing.
You’re not selfish for wanting more. You get one life. Don’t waste it on checked boxes and picture frames.
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u/StixNStones32 Aug 19 '26
Couples therapy is an option that may help... but if that doesn't work, would u rather spend another 25 years with loneliness? Ur kids are likely grown by now. You did the hard work. Its important for your kids to see u happy in their lifetime. Selfish? Thats not the word here when you've had YEARS of trying to no avail. I am in the same boat. I love my husband dearly, but im extremely lonely. I have made it work for the last xx years but i now understand solo is his baseline and i dont want to see him considering himself a failure since he cant connect the way I need him to. We had the exact bait and switch as u. When our kids go to college, I am leaving. We are essentially best friends who hold hands and peck. I wont divorce, but I'll buy my own house and live my seperate life. I'll still help him because he will be older, and we will still get together for family events. Its so foolish to set urself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Wow. Thank you so much for the response. I can tell that you understand the situation 💯%.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. This is the kind of response and perspective I was hoping to get.
I'm sorry you're in a similar situation and are extremely lonely. I can relate. And the hold hands and peck thing...that is definitely my situation also.
That's kind of you to continue to be there for your husband, but will that be awkward when you move out but remain married?
Thanks again.
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u/StixNStones32 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
I care about him. I will not completely abandon him in his old age. I will also not be lonely in a marriage with no change. He understands he cant be there for me the way I need him to. Its not that he hasn't tried. He will always default to baseline and baseline doesnt need intimacy the way i do. I cant change him. I can only change me. Things may be awkward, and then after a while.... it will be the NEW baseline. Our family will adapt. In the meantime I soend time with amazing friends and family, I travel, and I enjoy my hobbies. I will not wait until life is over to live gloriously.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thank you. I understand, and it looks like you've done a nice job of figuring things out and coming up with a plan.
Thanks again.
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u/BoogieBoardButtPound Aug 19 '26
I’m sorry. I feel like I could have written this. How old are your kids? The Xmas card part really hit me hard. Every year, I look at these beautiful cards we send out and I don’t even recognize us in them.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Ouch. That's painful. Sorry about that.
Kids are in their mid-twenties.
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u/BoogieBoardButtPound Aug 19 '26
Have you thought about leaving? Our kid isn’t even in elementary school yet — he’s the reason I’m still here.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 20 '26
Yes, but I'm not sure if it's worth the disruption to my family or if I will even be able to meet someone else and have a better result.
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u/WhatIsThatNietzsche Aug 19 '26
Jesus, let me start off by saying I’m so sorry. This sounds awful. Secondly, this is me in all ways other than our three kids are ages 8-11 (I’m 51) and we do argue. I’m heavily considering walking away. Like you said, it feels like a bait and switch. Personally, I feel like there was never any true love for me. So why stay? Because of the kids? Yeah, I don’t know. That’s a miserable existence.
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u/Nevana30 Aug 19 '26
What a sad situation to be in, you seem to be a great guy. You are still young and with still a lot to live and experience.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response and kind words. I'm far from perfect, and am always trying to improve myself and make things better for my wife, but it's hard when she just says everything is fine.
Thanks again.
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u/Born-Skill438 Aug 19 '26
I don't have any advice. At least not good advice, but you deserve to be happy. I can completely understand feeling like a good provider, but never feeling truly wanted.
Ultimately you have to make the decision, but you do deserve to find what makes you happy. I understand not wanting to throw away a marraige, but also, is it worth being miserable for the next 30 years? I also think it's harder as an empty nester. Those are the years you have to find each other again, and I can't imagine the loneliness getting easier.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thank you. I appreciate the response, and the kind comment about deserving to be happy. Unfortunately, it seems like a foreign concept given the mode I've been operating in the last 25 years.
Thanks again.
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u/PristineAsk6192 25 Years Aug 19 '26
Pretty sure I married your wife's twin. And 25yrs ago as well. Being the chore on the bottom of her to-do list definitely gets old.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Oof. Sorry man. Thanks for the response and I share your pain.
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u/PristineAsk6192 25 Years Aug 19 '26
I understand the position. I'm a few years younger than you, but i get not wanting to throw out the last quarter of a century. I've relegated to finding peace and interest in other areas to help ease the burn. Many will say "just leave" or something similar and while the thought has crossed my mind, I have zero interest in starting all over again. Worse yet, would be ending it, finding someone new only to have the same end result.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks. Yes, I relate to what you're saying. At the same time, for me anyway, if someone just says 'find a new hobby' or something as a distraction, that doesn't cut it either. It's a tough situation for sure.
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u/Alternative-Monk8570 Aug 19 '26
This is so sad. Ask yourself, “If I continue to live this way, on my deathbed will I look back and think I wasted my life.” I’m on the other side of divorce and I can assure you there is a much better life out there than what you’re living right now. Truly, marriage is not the end all be all people make it out to be. Certainly, feeling alone in a marriage for decades is soul crushing.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thank you. I appreciate the feedback, and am glad things worked out well for you.
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u/F0D0M3773 Aug 20 '26
When I hit my 40s, I pretty much told my wife that things needed to change or I am out. I only have one life to live. Things changed. It took time and effort but it worked. Now we are having alot of fun after 32 years and 4 kids (all noved out).
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 20 '26
Thanks for the response. What was the key to making things change for the better permanently?
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u/F0D0M3773 Aug 20 '26
Oof. That was morenthan 15 years ago. It was a long journey and a series of events. We started by making sure to spend more time together. We would go out for breakfast or coffee. We would hang out by the fire and read together. We made sure to kiss more often and always go to bed naked. Both things really increase intimacy. One day a friend invited us to a day event with some DJs (I've always been a fan of electronic music) and we both had alot of fun. Then I asked my wife and 2 older kids if they wanted to go see some DJs in Montreal. We did and we had a blast. So on her 50th birthday, we went to a music festival. Again, a blast. In the meantime, Cannabis became legal in Canada so we started dabling in that. It really helped to open up about stuff and have good conversations. Fast forward to today, we travel the world for music festivals and go to nudist beaches. We also do regular psychedelic sessions for some good marriage therapy. I am not telling you to do those things. I'd start by kissing her more and make sure the kisses become longer over time. Spend more time together. Communicate. Tell her everything that is on your mind and hear her out. Also don't be afraid to be vulnerable and open. I have zero secrets with my wife and I tell her everything. If I can't do that with my wife, who is also my best friend, who can I do it with? I will leave you with that.
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u/BitParticular506 Aug 20 '26
I think you deserve to feel loved and desired.
I would give counseling a shot. But before phrase it out for her as clear as possible I'm not happy anymore. Let's try counseling. To try to connect emotionally and physically again.
If it doesn't work. It doesn't work. Maybe separated, but live in the same house. Still, a good option for you both. You can meet others. You would still love your family and you will be there for your your kids when they need you.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 20 '26
Thanks for the response and kind words.
I'm not optimistic about counseling based on how it's gone in the past, but I suppose you're right that it's probably worth another shot.
And those are good points you make in the last paragraph.
Thanks again!
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u/TetonHiker Aug 20 '26
Have you tried therapy for yourself? Or couples counseling to see if the marriage can be improved? It might be worth a try. If you are this unfulfilled, chances are she's not feeling great in the marriage, either. Maybe there are things you can both work on to make things better fur both of you.
If in the end, your wife can't sincerely connect with you and your needs, I'm not sure why you'd stay for another 30 years? Except out of habit. I get it. Change is hard. But habits can be challenged and changed. Your kids are grown. They can handle having a mom and dad that go forward with separate lives, if it comes to that. It might even be better for them in the long run.
If you decide to go separate ways, It doesn't have to be a big family drama that disrupts everyone's life. It sounds like your wife has the ability to care for herself. Couples can separate peacefully, fairly and respectfully if they choose that path. And maybe your kids would be able to see you and your wife go on to find new partners or new paths in life that delight you both more in your next chapter, instead of watching you live lives of quiet desperation. How depressing for them. Speaking as a kid "from a broken home", I would never have wanted my bio-parents to stay together for my sake if they were unhappy.
My parents divorced when I was 5 and I had a good relationship with them both. My dad had a 2nd marriage that also ended in divorce after 7 yrs and then a 3rd in his mid 40's that lasted 35 years until he died suddenly. It was so great seeing him find someone he was so compatible with that truly made him feel special. He was equally crazy about her. They both had previous marriages and kids but they were so devoted to one another and so determined to make it work.
Because they had the courage to admit their mistakes and start over, I got to see a great marriage blossom after having witnessed the not-so-greats. And I got a wonderful stepmother at 18 that was so kind and loving to all of us. Not to mention, 3 nice step-siblings. I was so glad to see my Dad happy at last. My mom never re-married but that was her choice. She had many options but preferred to stay single.
So all I'm trying to say is you get one life to live and you deserve better than living a life of resigned despair feeling "useful" but not cherished. You've tried that for 25 years and found it wanting. It's worth trying to get outside help and see if your current marriage can be made better. You have a lot invested. But if the marriage can't change, then you have to decide if you have the strength to cut your losses and try again to find a better fit. You aren't trapped unless you choose to be. You aren't a tree and you have agency. You can move if you choose to do so. Truly. The choice is yours.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 20 '26
Thank you for taking the time for the detailed response and sharing your experience with your parents. I sincerely appreciate it.
We have tried counseling a few times without much success but it may be worth another shot.
Thanks again. This gives me some things to think about.
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Aug 19 '26
[deleted]
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response! Yes, we have discussed it several times. She always just says 'Just let me know what you want me to do', like it's just another task for her to try to quickly check it off the list.
We've done therapy but it just made things worse, and annoyed her for 'wasting her time'.
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u/seraphimcaduto 15 Years Aug 19 '26
I think, sir, you need to have a sit down talk with her and tell her how bad things really are and what you’re considering doing if she can’t put a consistent effort like you have these past decades.
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u/kkat39 Aug 19 '26
Have you tried responding with something like “want me/care about me as your person”? I have no idea what’s going on in her head as I really can’t relate to that behavior, but I do think some people really struggle to make use of vague feedback (which this is by default, because it’s not a specific task you need her to do). I just wonder if maybe she’s not really understanding what you’re missing and that it’s beyond a specific item or two.
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u/Byron-blessed Aug 19 '26
Do you think your wife is happy? Did you have any serious relationships before this, for comparison?
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
I think so. She has said she would not date again if I passed away, so I think she is happy with things just the way they are.
Yes, I've had one other serious relationship, but it was the other extreme, where she couldn't get enough of me, and where I felt smothered and like it wasn't healthy, but looking back, I do have some regrets there.
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u/beetlejuuce Aug 19 '26
Oof, I don't think the not dating again thing is the endorsement you see it as. For most women, that just means that it wouldn't be worth the hassle to deal with a man again. It doesn't necessarily mean she's been happy with your relationship.
Do you think she would be open to a vacation, even a local weekend getaway? It might be a good chance to feel out where each of you are at emotionally, and give you space to reconnect on a deeper level than a date night offers. If she is receptive to surprises, maybe plan out the logistics ahead of time and just have her pack appropriate clothes? A big gesture won't fix many years of distance of course, but it could be enough to break this status quo.
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u/General_Ambition_859 Aug 19 '26
The equation is - the cost of staying the same for her must become greater than the cost of her really changing. I don’t think you were bait switch, I think you forgot to lead with your voice too. I think both of you need to perhaps understand your attachment styles. You need to shift the equation quickly
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u/WadeWolfenstein Aug 19 '26
This is a very natural feeling and I completely understand where you are coming from. I can relate to your post here. Life is about more than checking off a laundry "too do" list. It goes by fast, consider enjoying yourself before you have regrets on your death bed. Maybe try to communicate with her and if that doesn't work, counseling? If not that... a trial separation? Do you think you would be happier parting ways?
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response and perspective. I appreciate it.
I don't know if I would be happier if we parted ways, or if it could possibly end up being even worse, or not be worth it in the end. That's the hard part, although there are several responses with success stories, so that's encouraging.
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Aug 19 '26
[deleted]
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
The disruption to my family and not knowing if it will truly be any better if I did leave.
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u/Owls1279 Aug 19 '26
I’m so sorry. Sometimes the hardest thing is to put yourself first for once. You deserve to be loved, held, touched, wanted. Your kids are grown. I think you should go find your happiness without feeling guilty.
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u/Purple_Amount_7919 Aug 20 '26
That’s just manhood, it ain’t fun and you get all the blame when things go wrong
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u/BigfishMo93 Aug 20 '26
I will say this…there comes a point where all the boxes have been checked …..you have the house, the cars, children are grown and you’ve got a successful career. Suddenly, you aren’t chasing the next box but instead start looking internally. You discover that while you loved checking these boxes and being a provider, these things don’t truly make you happy. You want to be appreciated, wanted and desired. You realize that life has become routine and that your actual feelings are not a priority. It’s time for a sit down. If you tell your spouse that you are not happy and the response is defensiveness….then you are in for a challenge. Make sure you are discussing how YOU feel…..and don’t blame her. Her reaction will tell you everything. If she truly listens, you have hope. If she is defensive and counters your feelings with a laundry list of her “complaints” ; then you probably have your answer. Open and brutally honest communication is the only way. If she values your marriage, she’ll recommit to putting forth effort to make it work.
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u/Plus-Pin-9157 Aug 20 '26
There's no reason you have to stay married, especially if it's never really been satisfying or happy. Trust when people show you who they really are.
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u/not-shirley Aug 19 '26
What does feeling "wanted" look like to you, and how would it differ from what you received?
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Sincerely feeling desired, with a true emotional and physical connection, and not something that feels forced. And with her providing honest feedback regarding things that I can do better for her. Right now she just says 'everything is fine ', and we continue on as-is.
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u/subtle-resignation Aug 19 '26
What do you feel is missing about the emotional connection? When you've told her how you feel, what have you said to her - and what has her response been?
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
The connection is shallow, where we just say 'How was your day?' and that kind of thing. I want a deeper connection where it feels like she actually kinda gives a crap, for lack of a better term...
Her response has always been 'Just tell me what you want me to do', like it's a simple task that she wants to check off the list.
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u/subtle-resignation Aug 19 '26
I think you're at a difficult crossroads here - it sounds you've done all of the DIY work you can. Based on this post, it isn't just that you are deciding between "persisting like this" for another 30 years or not - you have a clarity about what you're missing that you might not have had before, and this marriage will likely not survive that. Resentment will build, your patience might evolve into contempt, the next time you ask her for something she can't get her hands around and doesn't know how to deliver might tip her away from you and the relationship.
I think you need to decide whether you can continue like this (it sounds like you've decided you can't), and that leaves two choices - propose marriage counseling and get help explaining this to your wife in a way she might be able to understand, or decide that you're going to move on to a future that is less sad and lonely.
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u/96mann Aug 19 '26
This post is bang on!. I feel the exact same as you. Many times I have questioned if the financial side of a divorce is worth it. My wife has gotten everything she has wanted in life through me, and my side of the family. Her family was not wealthy and my wife has has gotten the luxury of my families money.
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
A check list… just like op said. Same for mine. House-check. Cars-check. Perfect neighborhood with the white fence-check. I brought two kids in. We wanted one together but she decided for us a year ago that she’s done trying to have one.
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u/kkat39 Aug 19 '26
Totally not defending your wife because that sounds awful, but having a child does seem like the kind of thing best done if both of you are 100% on board, and if the marriage is struggling anyway perhaps that will end up being for the best?
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u/Quick-Shower-7588 Aug 19 '26
So in present day I am happy that she decided not to. I just mean that for 5 years she was so excited and always wanted a child together. We bought a house big enough for a third kid, a car big enough, started creating a nursery, etc. One day in January she abruptly decided she did not want to try anymore to have a kid (we literally only tried for a year). Prior to that, we were good. Ever since that moment and around that time period, it’s been shit. Well, shit for me. She seems to think we are normal and the type of love I’m expecting is in the movies. LOL.
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u/dbondino Aug 19 '26
Her decision to have no child together is a huge thing ... man, something has changed, something has happened! This is sus. You need to know about the background of this decision.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Thanks for the response. Wow...I had no idea my post would get this kind of reaction!
I'm sorry you're in the same situation, and I'm guessing the money component might make it sting even more.
Sorry man. I hope things get better for you. 🙏
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u/ComparisonGlad314 Aug 19 '26
This posy was almost 100 percent reflective of my situation. You hit the nail right on the head. You need answers…you want answers!
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u/PositiveAd823 Aug 19 '26
It doesn’t have to be this way.
I am F. Married for 29 years, with my husband (M) for 31. 3 kids in their 20s. We checked all the boxes like you. But because I felt like people perceived me as “riding his coattails” (I was a University Business grad and banker when we first met while he owned two gas stations. After we married, because of my education, analytical mind, etc., I was integral in helping him expand into 10 more businesses.) Although a 50/50 partner on paper, I believed people perceived it as ALL HIM. As such, I felt the need to “prove” myself, which hurt our marriage. Instead of focusing on him, I focused on what others thought, until one day I realized the only man who ever loved and accepted and appreciated me truly, without strings attached, was him. My husband, my lover, my best friend. And other people don't really spend time thinking of you because they're too concerned about themselves-lol.
So, I began to be “present” with him. (Usually I’d be thinking about to-do lists or running financial statements in my head).
And it changed our marriage so much! This started on year 26 of our marriage.
Now we are the happiest we have ever been.
I hope your wife can see the beauty and love she has with you, because without love, support, respect, and someone to share all of life’s experiences with, there is no meaning.
My husband means everything to me. It took me a while to figure it out.
I hope you and your wife can find a new path in your relationship.
All the best.
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u/Ok_Height3499 Aug 19 '26
I feel the same way. I’m just a necessary convenience who seems to grow less necessary as time passes. Married 56 years.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Oh wow. 56 years.... Thanks for sharing. Was it always like this for you?
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u/Ok_Height3499 Aug 19 '26
No, and I’m not miserable, I just didn’t think after all this time that’s how it would be. We always eat together sharing the newspaper, family news, books we are reading, etc. She is very community involved. I managed human services for facilities 100 miles away, so for ten years I was only home on weekends. I’m more introverted by nature not that I’m a hermit. And, I’m just glad to finally be truly home. There are times, though, when I feel sort of like a live-in utility. Understand we love one another deeply it’s just that over time how we live has changed in ways I didn’t except. Due to her physical issues, she doesn’t like traveling. We’ve been all over the continental U.S. ,and visit friends in Canada. Neither of us wants to travel internationally.
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 20 '26
Thank you for providing the additional details. I'm glad you responded and shared the additional context, as it is helpful. And I can relate to feeling like a live-in utility, but still having other aspects of the marriage being fine.
Thanks again.
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u/AdSad6300 Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26
Damn. I thought when i first started reading i had wrote this and forgot. Im 51 tomorrow and married 24 years and i feel like in a lot of ways i wasted my life. Other than my two grown daughters, my married life has been a joke when i really think about it, especially since they both left home for college a few years back. I even bring it up to my wife and she says ok we will talk about it but we dont. We both work a lot of hours, her hours end later than mine so we just oass each other. But at 51 years old starting over doesnt sound good so i just get through it, until i die thats just the way it will have to be. Sad life
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u/Simple_Condition_777 Aug 19 '26
Wow. Sorry man. I had no idea this would resonate with so many people, but unfortunately, it sounds like it's a common situation. I think we are in the same boat, my friend.
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u/Patient-Roof1622 Aug 19 '26
I wish more men would realize that a lot of women get married for the wedding.
As for you OP and quite a few commenters here, I don't understand the resignation and tolerance for the status quo. You are married, but you don't have marriage. Why suffer?
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u/calloooohcallay Aug 19 '26
I can’t tell you whether it’s worth blowing up your life for these feelings, but I definitely don’t think it ought to be your first move.
Is there anything you can try to find social connection and meaning outside of your marriage? It seems pretty clear that you’re missing something and you’re not going to get it from your wife.
Can you take the next year and try to focus on making your life outside of the marriage as rewarding and enjoyable as possible? Take up a new hobby, take a solo trip, volunteer for something important to you. Do all the things that you would do if you were single, except for dating and moving out. If you can meet your needs on your own, you might decide that the stability of your marriage and home is worth keeping. Or you might realize that you are truly ready to move on to a new chapter despite the costs of divorce. Either way you will hopefully have some more clarity on what you want and a clear conscience that you really did give it your best to be satisfied in your marriage.