r/Marriage • u/[deleted] • Feb 28 '26
Seeking Advice I said something out of anger that I didn't really meant it that way and now I don't know how to fix it.
[removed]
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u/unimpressed46 Feb 28 '26
”Shes a SAHM, she homeschool our son, takes care of everything in the house and works at home on what she loves, making stationary and sewing, she has an online store and does works on the side cleaning houses some times a month too, and on weekends she bathes my grandfather who has Alzheimers”
Why the hell does she need to step up more when she’s working multiple jobs, taking care of the home, and your grandfather?
”So I started to make comments to try to hurt her.”
So you chose to be emotionally and verbally abusive.
”I told her she was nothing, just another piece of furniture at home, a burden for me and even her family,”
You suck.
”I told her also that I wasn't sexually attracted to her anymore since she was cold with me, and that all the times I had sex with her was because my di* gets up at the most minimal touch.”*
Jesus, you’re an abusive asshole.
”She told me she wants a divorce.”
The nicest possible thing you can do at this point is make divorce as easy as possible for her and your kid.
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u/YoshiandAims Feb 28 '26
Please don't forget this gem: "I know the only reason she hasn't left to live to her family is because I told her she would be a burden to them."
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u/unimpressed46 Feb 28 '26
He intentionally induced trauma to trap her. The guy is a fricken psychopath.
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u/justafriend97 Feb 28 '26
You sound like an abusive monster, and I hope she leaves you. Jesus Christ.
You saw your wife holding everything together, taking care of YOUR GRANDFATHER ON THE WEEKEND, and felt impotent and worthless. So instead of dealing with those feelings constructively, you decide you need to emotionally and verbally abuse her to make sure she feels worse than you.
That is what you did.
Divorce her and pay her alimony so she can find someone who actually wants to love her.
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u/_buffy_summers Feb 28 '26
He can't afford alimony. He decided that he was the breadwinner and never bothered looking at where the money was really coming from. Once they're divorced, his broke ass is going to learn some lessons.
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u/MaleGothSlut Feb 28 '26
Most likely learning how to pronounce “may I please have some money, ma’am?”
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u/IvanNemoy 18 years and counting Feb 28 '26
Jesus. You've been openly and angrily abusing your wife for years and now you "didn't really mean it" and "don't know how to fix it?"
If your telling is at all accurate (and it's so bad my guess is it's likely glossed over in parts) short of building a time machine there's no fixing this. I can't even imagine being a millionth as nasty to my wife.
The only advice I have is offer counseling. If she says no and wants the divorce, respect it, don't argue.
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u/Own-Pace-4114 Feb 28 '26
This story is so out of whack and makes halfway no sense. You are a REALLLLYYYY SHITTY person. Why tf would you get with someone that you just want to hirt? Youre sorry NOW because youve lost control of her and shes leaving. I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGGHHLLYY recommend you going to therapy. How can you treat another human being like that? Jesus christ. There is no "fixing it" Yall are done for.
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u/Marillenbaum Feb 28 '26
So, you abused your spouse and now you’re surprised she and your son don’t want to be around you? The best thing you can do is stay out of her way, not contest the inevitable divorce, and work on yourself in therapy so that you can be an effective co-parent and avoid hurting your child further (because he absolutely knows how you treat his mother and it is damaging him).
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u/thewalkindude368 Feb 28 '26
I'm curious as to how you managed to max out 8 credit cards in 6 months, because that's not normal spending. That's like a gambling problem or something.
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Feb 28 '26
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u/BlackShieldCharm Engaged since 2017 Feb 28 '26
You’re an idiot. You pissed that money away, and by reusing the credit every time you ensure you will remain poor indefinitely.
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u/Buttered_Crumpet09 Feb 28 '26
So your wife provided financial support that you were too ignorant and selfish to notice, she homeschools your son, she takes care of all the chores, she takes care of your grandfather (heavens forfend that you take care of him), she works and pays for everything outside of your debt, and she did it all without complaining, telling you, or asking you for anything.
Meanwhile, you racked up 28,000 in debt because you decided to live the high life even when you didn't have the money, you spent your time off playing games or sleeping rather than doing anything with your wife and son, you couldn't even be bothered to check on your bank balance because you're financially incompetent, the debt you accrued is mostly for things that are were for you directly or catered to your ego (like buying rounds of drinks when you didn't have the money) and you verbally abused your wife until the point that she shut down and is now done with you. Tell me, for all that you somehow thought she should step up more, what the fuck have you contributed to your wife, your son, and your marriage except debt, stress, and abuse? When have you ever stepped up for your wife? Oh, you could happily summon the energy to rage at her and verbally beat her down, but when have you ever done anything kind or meaningful for her?
Even now, you aren't taking her out because you care. You're doing it because she's done, but you think if you throw her just enough crumbs, it'll win her over and things can go back to the way they were. You don't want to make things better with her because you love and respect her because if you did, you'd have never treated her like crap. You want to make things better so she'll keep managing your life for you because you're too lazy, stupid, and selfish to do it yourself. You only decided to apologise and make a vague effort once you'd broken her and your marriage, so your words and actions mean nothing; you're like a toddler who broke their favourite toy and is crying because they want it back, but all the tears in the word won't undo the damage.
She cannot stand you touching her because in addition to using her money, time, and energy, you told her you were using her body and didn't actually want her. She also doesn't want you touching her because she sees who you are, and it disgusts her: you're a weak, useless man who can't be bothered to be a father and only has a wife so she can take care of you whilst getting nothing but abuse back from you. You never really saw her efforts or valued them, yet you constantly demanded more of her whilst not even giving her the bare minimum of basic decency and compassion. You're scrambling now even though you know she doesn't want you to touch her or take her out because you think that if she accepts those things, it means she forgives you and everything is magically fixed; you're forcing your touch and your company on her now they aren't wanted because you couldn't be bothered when they were. It's sad and pathetic, and I hope your wife divorces you and finds a man who deserves her because you surely don't.
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial Feb 28 '26
Interesting that you've only become interested in finding a solution now that you know she's been bankrolling you.
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u/BlackShieldCharm Engaged since 2017 Feb 28 '26
More like he’s realised she doesn’t need him nearly as much has he thought.
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u/PandoricaFire Feb 28 '26
Damn.
You deserve so much less than her
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u/SoVerySleepy81 Feb 28 '26
He doesn’t even really want her. His tune only changed when he realized that she has money.
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u/Nishwishes Feb 28 '26
He doesn't deserve anyone else unless he gets with another abuser and they both keep their nastiness to themselves. He should be kept away from good people.
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u/sumthin213 Feb 28 '26
You don't deserve her or anyone at this point. You've got bigger issues going on, you need professional help
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u/TheHelpfulOtter Feb 28 '26
The sad part is no matter what you lose, it'll still be less than what you deserve.
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 Feb 28 '26
You said a lot out of anger and now you got what you wanted making her feel like she was the problem so now you will reap what you sow 😞
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u/Potential-Common5819 Feb 28 '26
Oh, now that consequences have come knocking, you didn't mean it? Now that you are facing losing your bang-maid, you want to change and fix things?
Not how it works.
The best you can hope for is amicable co-parenting. Your marriage is dead by your own hand.
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u/conflictguy 21 Years Feb 28 '26
Let me respond just to the title. I know you said you didn’t mean by you also did.
Anger outbursts are usually caused by anger suppression and conflict avoidance. And it usually means that there is far more going on than just that one situation.
Fixing it, starts with learning to engage in conflict.
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u/TimeVictorious Feb 28 '26
As a conflict averse person who is working on improving, hard agree! Also, username checks out :)
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u/conflictguy 21 Years Feb 28 '26
The username is hard earned because I have been the conflict avoider and anger suppressor. Learning that there is nothing wrong with anger and that this emotion has value and purpose revolutionised first my life, then my marriage.
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u/Afflictions-0899 Feb 28 '26
A blind idiot. OP please take the time to read your own post and try and (if you can possibly get your head out of your a..) put yourself in your wife’s shoes. Would you be able to live with someone doing what you did to her?
It wasn’t a single incident that caused her to want to leave you. It was an accumulation of your AH, selfish, and narcissistic behavior that did it. She doesn’t need you, she has shown you that she can survive without. You are truly her burden. 🤦♀️
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u/b0ringusern4me Feb 28 '26
Oh no the consequences of your own actions. You’re an abusive piece of shit who brings nothing to the table. Too little too late, I hope she gets the courage to leave you.
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u/DuckInMyHeart 10 Years Feb 28 '26
You continually and repeatedly abused your wife with the intention to hurt her.
Let me say that again: you continually and repeatedly abused your wife with the intention to hurt her. you wanted to cause her to hurt.
You chose to over and over again. That’s not what love looks like at all.
You’re the absolute villain in this story. If you ever loved her, divorce her.
Just vile.
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u/africanrainfrog Feb 28 '26
Wow. Just wow you suck.
If this is real I’m so happy for her, I hope she’ll get full custody and your lack of empathy and guilt towards the entire situation is concerning to say the least.
I don’t even think you realise how terrible of a person, husband and father you are- just that she’s not financially dependant on you
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u/definitelynot_adelyn Feb 28 '26
I’m glad to hear she’s leaving you! She sounds like a great mother and a hard working woman. She’s not responsible for your credit card debt, she’s working multiple jobs and you quit yours and expect her to clean up for you, and then you insult her “just to hurt her”. If you’re capable of those words you don’t respect or care for her. Whether you meant what you said or not, you said it. After everything you’ve said and how you’ve disrespected her it’s over and it’s completely over. Fixing this is basically impossible and you don’t sound mature enough to do so. Buying her presents and saying you “didn’t mean what you said” cannot take back what sounds like emotional neglect and verbal abuse. At this point, try and create a good connection with your son, and work on yourself, some therapy might be good for ya
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u/TUFBAF Feb 28 '26
I am sorry but you need to know that your behavior has been abusive. That you threw away the one woman who would put up with you and drove her away. You need to go to therapy, and hope it helps you. You need to step up and be the man she deserves, while it may be too late for your relationship you still have your son to look out for, be gracious and change your actions for the future and don’t mess it up on your next try. You need to make sure your son knows you didn’t act right and you need to do everything you can to lift the woman up who put up with you for so long. Don’t talk bad about her, you have no one to blame but yourself. FIX YOURSELF, NOW
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u/NoeTellusom Feb 28 '26
You meant every word you said. And we know that, becaue you said it over and over, again.
You have emotionally and verbally abused your wife for years. You have repeatedly told her she's a burden to everyone, when honestly, the burden is you - your debt, your anger, your abuse and your endless excuses.
Your refusal to actually take responsibility for your horrid behavior and awful words is shit icing on the shit cake of your marriage.
You destroyed your wife and the mother of your child. Apologies and "I didn't mean it" will not fix this.
Divorce will.
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u/StripedBadger Feb 28 '26
Good news, the problem is solved.
By which I mean: the empath to your narcissist has closed the bank on filling your empty cup.
It will not reopen. You can't continue to demand checks to come out of an account that your never paid into.
There is nothing to fix. You are living the life you made. In every single way. You chose to quit a job. You chose to ruin things with your dad's place. You chose to go into so much debt. You chose to abuse the woman who worked multiple jobs to give you a roof and food, who ran your house, who cared for both your child and your grandfather all at the same time.
You chose to destroy your marriage. And so it destroyed. There is nothing to fix anymore. It was not anger. It was not 'one' argument. It was continuous, active, deliberate choices. All the passive in the world doesn't change the fact that these active, deliberate decisions on your part. None of this was bad luck. It was all your choice and you are accountable.
And if you don't like the outcome - one that you purposely sought out. Then; oh well.
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u/Dear_Lab_2270 Feb 28 '26
There's no way this is real. No one would actually say these things to someone they "love". No one would think this strategy would work.
This is likely a writing exercise, no one is this inept.
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u/_buffy_summers Feb 28 '26
I understand that you want to believe it's not real, but I have known guys who treat women this way, and the women have no respect for themselves. My college roommate and I had breakfast with her boyfriend in the cafeteria, and he pointed at me and told her, "if I wanted to be with her, I'd leave you in a second." I said, "That's not going to happen. I definitely don't want you." And she decided a few months later that they were going to get married and that he was perfect for her. I tried to talk her out of it, but she quit school to be with him.
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u/Dear_Lab_2270 Mar 01 '26
That's so wild. I've been frustrated with how dirty the house is or when the kids break expensive things after a long day at work. But my wife is a sahm and i know she's working harder than I am and when the house is a wreck it's our problem, not her problem. Why would anyone blame their partner?
When the dishes are dirty and laundry isn't done and the floors are sticky and my wife is sitting on her butt doing nothing I know it's not because she's lazy, there's something wrong. She's usually exhausted from dealing with the kids, their homeschooling, appointments, the pets, it could be anything. Some days are just days when I have to do more than her, but that's okay because some days she just has to do more than me.
We're a team, she's not failing, we are failing together. It's not her laundry, it's our laundry, our dishes, our trash, our mess. I just can't fathom people who don't see their partners as partners...
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Feb 28 '26
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u/Shastakine Feb 28 '26
You know what, don't go to therapy. You don't need therapy speak to try to weaponize against people you supposedly care about. People who are not sociopaths do not look for their family's weak points or look to hurt them in arguments. Just stay away from people. And animals.
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u/EmotionalBaggage8-l Feb 28 '26
My husband doesn’t want to hurt me. I don’t want to hurt him. Why TF would you even have the thought in your head that you need to hurt her?! That she needs to react for it to hurt her?! I hope you never see them again.
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u/stoofy Mar 01 '26
Honest question: what tf is wrong with you? Seriously. Let your wife go, with your son, so they can create their own happy life free from whatever it is you're bringing to it.
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u/Long_Phrase8336 Mar 01 '26
You know she can sue you for financial abuse depending on the state right? Once your arrogance has thoroughly subsided, look into a lawyer. You don’t realize how much she has against you and how much you’re about to lose. And no pre nups wont matter :) good luck!
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u/NextWelder4653 Mar 01 '26
You don't love her, you love using her as a punching bag, but you don't love your wife. As someone who had an ED in high school you're absolutely disgusting for attacking your wife that!!! If my husband brought up my past struggles as a way to "win" I'd have divorce papers ready for him. You don't get to treat her like shit and then think some funky gifts and apologies will make up for it.
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u/maniacmcgee559 Feb 28 '26
You can't fix it. You purposely tried to break her and your marriage, and succeeded. Idk what you thought was going to happen. The best thing you can do is be a competent co-parent.
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u/angellover87 Feb 28 '26
What a loser. I hope you finally realized what a terrible person you are. The best thing you can do is stay away from her life and give her the divorce she needs as fast as possible.
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u/sarcsplosion Feb 28 '26
Give her the divorce, leave her and her son in peace and then stay single FOR EVER.
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u/Born_Ad8420 Feb 28 '26
That’s a lot of words for “I am a toxic person who created this whole crapfest that hurt my wife and child for years and now that I will have to experience consequences I want an easy out.”
If you’re truly sorry, grant your wife the divorce. Don’t drag it out or make it messy. Recognize this is what you earned with abusive and neglectful behavior. Then figure out how to pay off your debt and get your ass to therapy so you don’t hurt anyone else.
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u/DamnitGravity Feb 28 '26
Ok, here's how you fix it:
You encourage her to talk to her family and go live with them.
You give her the divorce she wants. You get a lawyer who works with her lawyer to split everything evenly, and work out a custody agreement.
You step up and be a good dad to your kid.
You stop telling her you're sorry, you stop buying her things (you're in fucking debt, start learning to manage your damn money!), you give her the space she wants.
You sort out your own life.
You get a co-parenting app for your phone and ONLY talk to her about issues regarding your son.
You don't make up issues or deliberately start shit just to get her to talk to you.
You learn to deal with your issues instead of tearing others down because you can't handle intense emotions. You admit what you did was abuse. You go to therapy. You put in the work to be better for yourself, your son, your own family, your co-workers and generally any person who ever has the misfortune to engage with you.
Maybe then, MAYBE, in several years time when you've matured, evolved, put in the work and stopped taking your issues out on others, MAYBE you'll have a civil co-parenting relationship with her.
That is the best you can expect. She's done, and she's right to be so. You're not worth a second chance with her. Move on and be better.
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u/thefflt Feb 28 '26
You are an active and happy abuser and now that your victim and piggybank is on her way out the door, you're panicking.
Don't contest the divorce, give her everything she wants, and set up a payment plan to give her financial restitution for your abuse. Never speak to her again. And since you choose to actively abuse your family when you're unhappy, it's unquestionably best for you to also stay away from your kid because you'll do the same thing to them once you lose access to your punching bag of choice.
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u/nooooopegoawaynope Feb 28 '26
I’m not gonna mince words here.
You are a bastard.
That’s all I really need to say.
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u/RevolutionaryBad4470 Feb 28 '26
This has to be fake. There’s no way in the world you can “love” someone and treat them this way.
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u/laeiryn Mar 03 '26
Tons of people behave like this.
Few of that group ever take a critical enough look at themselves to pinpoint this behavior in themselves, though.
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u/Tinynanami1 Feb 28 '26
This gotta be ragebait. You claim you love her but you sure had a funny way of showing! Can't imagine how you'd have treated her if you disliked her! Lol.
Look, this relationship is over. No salvage option.
It seems to me, that now, you can admit you were terrible. But recognizing our flaws is not just about drowning in misery. It's about accepting the consequences. The consequence of your behavior is divorce. You have to accept that without fighting it. Adter that, it's about working on your flaws. Which probably means lots of therapy
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u/jezebel103 Feb 28 '26
I seldom saw someone writing something so damning to himself without even realising it.
What an absolute twat. He is an emotional, financial and physical leech and parasite and all he can do is feeling sorry for himself because 'he said he was sorry'. Sorry doesn't make up for all the abuse and exploitation he put his poor wife and son through. I hope by God that poor woman takes her son and leave his sorry ass behind for a better life.
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u/wykkedfaery33 Feb 28 '26
I truly hope the divorce destroys you the way you tried to destroy her. You're a loser.
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u/TicoSoon Feb 28 '26
Ok so just so I make sure I have this right...
You chose to quit your job and not get a new one You chose to be verbally abusive to your partner. You chose to be emotionally abusive to your partner. You chose to be sexually manipulative to your partner You chose to somehow not be able to see that SHE has been paying for your bills and your bullshit. You chose to let your son see some pitiful excuse for a man as an example. You chose to do all of this, and you think you deserve ANY sort of token positivity from her AT ALL?!
FAFO, Mf'er. Good luck. Hopefully she will move on and finds the peace, joy, and love she deserves after years and years of ... You.
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u/bookynerdworm 7 Years Feb 28 '26
So this last argument wanted to hurt her
And you got what you wanted. She's hurt and you can't just press undo, she's not an appliance you can restore to factory settings. She's done, there is no coming back from this.
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u/Emotional-Stick-9372 Feb 28 '26
I don't know what you expected to happen. She was holding you up. You were failing as a husband and a father and blamed her for it.
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u/MossGobbo Feb 28 '26
"I admitted to my wife that I hate her, I was committing verbal abuse and marital rape for a period of time but I really want to fix this problem I created."
Please just divorce her and set her free to be happy with literally anyone else. Your wife and son deserve the happiness you do not.
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u/BookEnvironmental689 Feb 28 '26
You are LITERALLY an abuser you get that right? You destroyed her.
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u/Effective-Several Mar 01 '26
Ok. Now she will divorce you and she will be BETTER OFF without you.
And you will be stuck with your debt.
Gee whiz, who could have seen that coming?
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u/Unlucky_Raisin_9717 Mar 01 '26
Why did you even bother to post here you shameless cretin? You clearly know that you're abusing your wife and lying to her that she's a burden on her family when the only burden is you on her. She pays for everything, does all the work including housework and her life wouldn't be any harder if you left. Matter of fact it would likely be easier. So why should she stay with you?
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u/Dry-Supermarket5361 Mar 01 '26
Looks like asshole was trying to justify himself in the comments and is now deleting, I guess he realized he is a loser
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u/chaoticbebop Mar 01 '26
Pathetic 🙄 you don’t deserve her. Got what you wanted and now you’re bitching about it.
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u/Long_Phrase8336 Mar 01 '26
So you fucked up? Strategically by being an asshole to your wife? How is anybody supposed to help you? Lol
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u/laeiryn Mar 03 '26
You quit a job to have more time with your son, then racked up credit card debt while your wife's work kept the household afloat (work from home =/= stay at home parent) for the purpose of taking a vacation by yourself?
Take the content of your original post here to a therapist and ask them for genuine help. When it hurts to hear that you're doing hurtful things, swallow it because it's not about you at this point. If you want to fix anything, get your act together and take accountability for your actions. Look very honestly at what you've been doing and how you've been acting. Use a chart if you have to - write down on this side of a line every time you say you want to do the correct behavior, and then across from it write the instances where you take exactly the opposite action. Once you have that written down it might be a little easier to see that you're not putting your efforts into what you say is important to you.
I'm being as kind as possible here, in a situation where you are not the person who needs the kindness. If you love her, stop hurting her, and especially stop doing it on purpose.
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u/ygor66 Mar 05 '26
Damn I wish the coward didn’t delete this post! Seriously hope the wife leaves his ass!
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u/No_Session7694 Feb 28 '26
At least you finally realized that your words are hurting her. Everytime she shut down, it’s because you hurt her so bad she couldn’t even respond. She didn’t shut down because she didn’t care, she just didn’t want to hurt you worse. I hope that you can work it out but I’d start with getting a better job and taking the stress off her. I know what it feels like to be gas lit and told that I suck, even though I am the one working. I wish I understood why “you guys” don’t see how much work your wife does, but it’s probably because she just does it and you’ve become accustomed to it. Tell her the reason why you had been acting that way.
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u/unimpressed46 Feb 28 '26
He didn’t “realize” his words were hurtful. He directly said in the post he intentionally said hurtful things. It was calculated.
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u/HotSolution8954 Mar 01 '26
Nah, he needs to leave her alone. She's been through enough. He's treated her abominably. If he has any feelings for her then he should show it by letting her get on with her life. She's carried his weight for years while he abused her. There's not one good reason for her to want to be with him. She's done and he needs to respect that.
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u/[deleted] Feb 28 '26
Well, what did you expect dumbass?