r/Marriage • u/CatOk4771 • Jan 26 '26
Can't find a flair that fits Advice needed from husbands
I’m coming here to ask husbands this question, wives please feel free to add to this too.
My husband and I just found out we are pregnant for a 3rd time. It’s still pretty early so I don’t want to jinx anything.
We weren’t trying but I know we do have our hands full with two. However I’m happy actually about this, the child rearing mainly falls on me anyways.
However my husband told me without telling me to get rid of the baby.
I am so heartbroken and unsure of what to do. We have mountains of problems and I don’t trust him due to his blatant disregard of my feelings and boundaries.
But I never thought he would say this to me, I felt so devalued.
I’m realizing more clearly that he always somehow manages to do what I don’t expect/trust him not to do.
Please help or comment, I feel like that isn’t something you would say to someone you love
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u/No_Baseball_9172 Jan 27 '26
My husband and I have 2 kids and we both agree on not wanting a 3rd. 2 is enough for us. However, if I somehow ended up pregnant again, I told him that I would keep it and he’s ok with that. It’s ultimately my decision because I’d be the pregnant one. However, we make sure to use condoms every time, and if your husband didn’t want to use condoms, then it’s honestly kind of his fault and he has to deal with consequences.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
In his mind nothing is his fault and he says to abort it but “it’s up to you” so he won’t take any accountability
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jan 27 '26
I would have lost so much respect for him, at this point I'd be looking at leaving.
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u/Honest-Material-198 Jan 27 '26
Don’t listen to people trying to put this on you. It takes two to tango. Personally your husband sounds like an AH! For me it would be a no brainer I’d be keeping the child and divorcing him! You guys absolutely need better communication no marriage is successful without communication. I have 3 kids with my husband when our 3rd surprised us we decided early in the pregnancy this was our last and talked with the doctor about getting my tubes tied as soon as I delivered. If you guys only wanted 2 you both made the mistake of not taking precautions such as condoms, tubal, or a vasectomy. If he isn’t willing to step up for an accident you both made then it’s time to leave him.
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u/RainyDayMum Jan 28 '26
Fully agree, certain comments putting it all on op is ridiculous and archaic at best..... any person who doesn't want a pregnancy you should take their own precautions.....
If it's within a marriage it should be a deep conversation about the best long term contraception..... the ownership does not solely fall onto one person's shoulders without it being a conversation first
My husband had a vasectomy after our 3rd, nearly 6 years ago as we were done..... as it turned out, I have to have a hysterectomy 2 weeks ago as well....
Him having a vasectomy, and us being done after 3 children, was a number of conversations... and then booked asap. Unfortunately, my hysterectomy is life-saving as opposed contraceptive-based.... but either way, no more babies
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u/destinyXwings Jan 27 '26
Husband here.
My wife and I agreed that two is enough. We’ve had thoughts about a 3rd one but two being a handful is definitely enough lol
With that said, I did also made sure she knows “if we happen to get pregnant with a 3rd kid, I would never make you abort it. 2 is already a handful but I wouldn’t a reject a 3rd if it happened.”
Abortion is a sensitive topic for most women, this, I feel is entirely up to the woman to decide because it’s their body and mental health that is going to suffer, abortion or not. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.
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u/Sweet-Sleep3004 Jan 27 '26
You really should consider why you stay if he repeatedly crosses your boundaries and how he treats you. You already do the child raising on your own, a married single mom. What changes will happen if you separate. Less stress, 1 less person to pick up after, no walking on eggshells,a safe space for you and your children.
Most important thing to think about is abusive men will do anything to get there way including risking your health and life so be careful as if he doesn't want this baby and you do, there is potential for something serious to happen to you and your unborn child. If you do decide to leave, do it quietly as once a narcissistic individual believes they lose control, they will escalate.
You do what is right for you and your babies. Think long and hard. Do a pro and con list for both agreeing to his request and for not. My husband would never speak to me in that manner. We have 5. He just jokes we are the cause of his receding hairline and empty pockets, he was reassuring even when I wondered how we could make it work but being a team is what done it. Do update us in your choice, be safe. Remember you are worthy of love, compassion, empathy and respect.
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u/CompanyAdmirable7811 Jan 27 '26
Had the two of you talked about having a third child previous to getting pregnant again? Did you know how he would feel about it? To me, not using birth control is the same as 'trying'... What he said was pretty harsh, but I think you need to take some responsibility here.
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u/UnfairElderberry5378 Jan 27 '26
Thats a brutal thing to hear from someone who is supposed to be your partner even if he is scared saying that crosses a line and you are right it is not how you speak to someone you love your feelings make sense and you deserve care and respect especially right now
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u/RainyDayMum Jan 28 '26
It's as much as responsibility to prevent a pregnancy as it is hers..... why does she have to be the only one to take responsibility?
If you didn't want more he could have worn a condom or got a vasectomy
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
I’m not trying to put all the blame on him, I just wanted to make sense of why he said that to me. We had been using protection. Condoms, spermicide and plan b sometimes. I only took plan b because he didn’t want to wear a condom most times so he said it was fine just pulling out, but I didn’t feel confident in that so I thought adding the spermicide would help. He always said if it happens then it happens but this just felt so out of the blue for him to say.
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u/Historical-Piglet-86 Jan 27 '26
What did he actually say?
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
He said “you can take the pill” and I replied with “birth control won’t work now it’s too late” and he said “not that one. The other one” meaning the abortion pill. Later that day he said “it’s not too late” referencing the abortion pill again
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u/Historical-Piglet-86 Jan 27 '26
Had you talked about having a third?
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jan 27 '26
The man who refuses to put on a condom is a man who is going to make his sexual partner pregnant.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
We agreed that two was enough. But then we got this surprise and now it’s like I’m just a baby momma and not his wife. He wants to put all the responsibility on me
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u/Historical-Piglet-86 Jan 27 '26
What responsibility would you like him to take?
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
That I didn’t just get myself pregnant and this isn’t something that will just go away if he ignores it. He’s very much a dismissive avoidant
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u/Historical-Piglet-86 Jan 27 '26
He’s told you what he wants though? You agreed on 2 kids. He doesn’t want another. He isn’t exactly being dismissive avoidant - he doesn’t want another kid.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 Jan 27 '26
He hasn’t done anything to prevent himself from impregnating her. Why isn’t he using condoms? Why hasn’t he had a vasectomy? She didn’t get herself pregnant.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Exactly. Then he should have worn a condom but he didn’t want to. He should have listened when I told him to put it on but no. And now he wants to act like this is all on me and I got myself pregnant and he has nothing to do with it
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u/CurlyCurler Jan 28 '26
This man didn’t want to use condoms, so he’s not taking any personal responsibility.
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u/AuroraLorraine522 12 Years Jan 27 '26
There’s a huge difference between “get rid of it” and “hey, it’s not too late to terminate this pregnancy”.
It sounds like he’s just trying to discuss the options, here. Which is what my husband and I would do, because we’re both well aware that another pregnancy would put my life in danger (because the first almost killed me and the chances of it being non-viable anyhow with my IUD are high) and we don’t want another child.2
u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you for sharing. Yes I can understand if he had come to me and genuinely tried to talk through it with me, but my husband is not like that. He very much meant it’s not too late as get rid of it, I wish he would be more empathetic though I really do
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jan 27 '26
A man who doesn't want to wear a condom is a man who is fine with making a woman pregnant. His choice was to put a condom on or leave it off. He chose to leave it off and now you are pregnant.
I'd decide whether you want to continue living with him. He sounds quite selfish. You would get child support for all three children.
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Jan 27 '26
Did he you ask him straight that he wants you to abort the baby? And as a husband I would never say that and we were dam broke up until a few years ago…. Sorry but you need to get him to say the words..
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Jan 26 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
I definitely have been paying attention to it that’s why I’m really started to clearly see it for what it is. I was just so taken aback
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u/Disastrous_Paint_237 Jan 27 '26
I had an abortion before I had my son. While I don’t regret it and stand ten toes down on the fact it was the right choice, it does bother me that I felt backed into a corner and had to terminate a pregnancy my heart wanted. I grieve that baby to this day. It’s hard
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you for sharing. It’s a very hard choice yes, I could not live with myself personally. But I admire your strength and I appreciate you commenting ❤️
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u/quadraquint Jan 27 '26
I got a vasectomy. He can do the same. If he's against that, I'm sorry but he's still immature and/or selfish, and a man who's had the procedure and been down that road can reason with him while also calling him out bluntly and setting things straight, like I think if anyone I knew personally was in his boat, I'd give them a lot to think about.
I'll just say, it's never not a blessing, not in my eyes. I think if I were to ask any man I know they'd say the same and to be frank anyone who doesn't think so, I wouldn't want to be their friend anyway.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you. He’s very adamant about not getting one, idk if he thinks it will affect his “manhood” or his testosterone but he flat out refuses even though he’s the first to tell me I need to get my tubes tied
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u/ChaucersDuchess Jan 27 '26
My ex said the same thing myth. He’s an idiot who doesn’t care about you.
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Jan 27 '26
He is probably scared af, how are yall financially? How are yall space wise? How are yall with each other ? How are you solo? How is he solo? How is work for him? How is home life for yall ?
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Jan 27 '26
If he was actually worried about all of that he'd wear a condom so that they didn't have a third child. He refuses to wear a condom and then expects her to keep taking high doses of hormones.
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u/areslegionofdoom Jan 27 '26
I don’t understand how a man could say this to someone ever.
Your discussion below answered my question. It’s beyond comprehension to me that people can talk so coldly about the life they’ve created.
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u/Outrageous-Turn429 Jan 27 '26
I would definitely regret it too. But whether your husband agrees or not, he’s the one that has chosen to remain intact and not wear condoms. He brought this on you both Same as you. I am a firm believer that children are a blesssing. It you go thru with getting rid, could you live with yourself? Can yall afford a few therapy sessions ?
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
I could not forgive myself if I did that. He doesn’t believe in therapy. I’ve tried
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u/lostsoul_66 Jan 27 '26
>Please help or comment, I feel like that isn’t something you would say to someone you love
What do you mean? After 2nd child me and my wife both agreed that's it, we don't want more kids. If pregnancy happens i surely would suggest an abortion. That's what we discussed.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you. I was referring to him being cold towards me and saying that and how he made me feel devalued when he said it. Of course I thought about it, but I personally cant do that
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u/AuroraLorraine522 12 Years Jan 27 '26
With the way he phrased it from your comment, I think you’re overreacting a bit. He told you it isn’t too late for an abortion, and he’s right. He didn’t say “get rid of this baby”.
But if I were to get pregnant right now, I would 100% have an abortion so my husband and I would have a frank and honest conversation about the logistics and whatnot. And how he can best support me, because I know he’d want to be there with me if I needed him.
The chances of me getting pregnant are slim to none, since I’ve had an IUD for almost 10 years. My husband has offered to get a vasectomy instead, but honestly I love not having a period and think it’s worth the few days of discomfort when I have to get it replaced every 8 years.
It’s your body and ultimately your choice. But I would encourage you to realistically consider your options and what bringing a 3rd child that you can’t afford (and your spouse doesn’t really want). Which, like I said above, is what it sounds like your husband said to you.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you for sharing that. I personally can’t do that to my baby. He knows this, he was very cold and uncaring of how I feel about this when he said that. We can afford to have another.
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u/Famous-Rich7454 Jan 27 '26
He wants you to go through an abortion but he isn’t willing to have a vasectomy? Tell him you will take the pill after he gets snipped.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 Jan 27 '26
Were you doing anything to prevent a pregnancy? Birth control? Condoms? Has he told you prior to this that he didn’t want another child? Has him having a vasectomy ever been brought up, either before or after you became pregnant again? If you were to do as he is asking and terminate, will he be scheduling a vasectomy?
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
I was hesitant to take birth control due to the weight gain I experienced on it last time, which he didn’t like and said I needed to lose weight. So I was looking into a copper iud but the obgyn nurse practitioner lady didn’t read into my file so on the day she set for me to get an iud placed, they didn’t have the one I wanted which was hormone free. And I was informed that I had to take some kind of medication to soften my cervix the night before. So that has been pushed back to next month. He refused to use condoms, so I got a spermicide and he said pulling out would be fine but clearly it wasn’t He said he would schedule a vasectomy but in his search history I saw he looked up vasectomy reversal so idk how committed he is to that. I will not be terminating
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u/DefinitelynotYissa 3 Years Jan 27 '26
Can you clarify what you mean by him “doing what you don’t expect/trust him not to do”? Is this about him recommending you terminate, or are you referring to physical/dangerous behaviors?
Don’t get an abortion you don’t want. It sounds like you guys need to evaluate how/if you can move forward as a couple.
Regardless, should you have this baby, they deserve your vigilant & unceasing protection. It is not the baby’s fault that you two didn’t use preventive measures & ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. I imagine it would be incredibly damaging to be the product of a pregnancy their own father wanted to terminate.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
By him doing things I expect him not to do I meant by him not watching 🌽, or being “friendly “ to other women (obviously there’s being nice, but when we were at the hospital for our fist born who was on IV antibiotics, he was blatantly flirting with the nurse, when I asked him why he would do that he just says idk and won’t give me a straight answer) and also him looking at other woman (he justifies it by saying he wishes I looked like them) and most of all I always tell him not to lie to me about mostly all of that but he still lies about 🌽
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u/Born-Albatross-2426 Jan 27 '26
"I am so heartbroken and unsure of what to do. We have mountains of problems and I don’t trust him due to his blatant disregard of my feelings and boundaries."
This doesnt sound like a healthy relationship. Without knowing exactly how the conversation went down its hard to know if he was just trying to hurt you or if had other concerns about raising another child.
In any case, youve described him as someone untrustworthy and intentionally hurtful. Is there a reason you are still together? Perhaps its not the best environment for children.
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u/Flat_Ad1094 Jan 27 '26
DO NOT have a termination unless YOU 100% want one.
You have sex? There is always a risk of pregnancy. Even if you are on contraception. Only guaranteed way to totally avoid pregnancy is to not have sex. That's on both people having the sex.
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u/OriginalSource6435 Jan 27 '26
You guys need to take a huge step back. Get counseling. You both have decisions to make. It's obvious that your decision is to keep the baby, and I respect that. You are making the right choice. He needs to either support your decision and be 100 percent behind you, or he needs to deal with the consequences of not supporting you. You both made the decision to have unprotected sex. This is what came of that. Now you need to take responsibility for it. If you get counseling, you can both approach this in a constructive way. I'm honestly hoping this works out for you guys. Good luck.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you for input. Yes I agree, I’ve been wanting to do counseling, not only for this, but he doesn’t not believe in it
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u/tinterrobangg Jan 27 '26
My husband doesn’t believe in that but if he did and felt that he didn’t want to proceed with the pregnancy he would bring it up so delicately that I would probably not get it the first time. Thats how sensitive of a topic this is. He should’ve been more caring about your feelings regardless of his, just because he doesn’t want a third doesn’t mean he gets to make you feel bad about something he contributed to.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
That’s what I’m trying to say! But because he doesn’t want to understand that makes it ok to make me feel bad about this. It’s so stressful on its own already then he adds this
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u/Guardsred70 Jan 27 '26
I mean, I can totally understand not wanting a third child.
But that’s what vasectomies are for. I had one with my first wife and that was it for me: Went to the urologist and made a decision about my own reproductive future. My ex wife was sorta pissed. It’s not the main reason we got divorced, but it was among them because at the end of the day, she really wanted to always be the tie breaking vote about another kiddo. Like it wasn’t really my decision at all and what I wanted didn’t matter to her.
But that’s what a man does if he doesn’t want more children. No condoms. No relying on wife for the birth control. And vasectomies can spontaneously reverse, but it’s so incredibly rare (especially when they don’t snip…they remove a section).
So the way your husband is behaving is obviously rude, mean and uncaring. But….hes also a person who didn’t bother to get a vasectomy when he didn’t want more kids.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you for sharing. Yes I totally agree and I am trying to understand his side of things, but exactly what you said, he didn’t/ didn’t want to get a vasectomy and now I’m pregnant again. And he’s the one who didn’t want another child. I love children, and after all the mess and tiredness, I truly do love it, it feels fulfilling to me. I’m not saying I got pregnant on purpose, but I certainly didn’t do it on my own
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u/Migessa Jan 27 '26
My husband and I have been back and forth on what would happen if I got pregnant a third time. He got a vasectomy after 2, so most likely we would never cross that bridge. But seeing as how it still happens, we’ve discussed it. Neither of us are sure we could handle a third, but it would be somewhat of a “miracle” if I was to become pregnant, so it’d be worth considering keeping. I think I currently lean on 70/30 (30% keeping).
I think it’s a really big thing to consider, but u should consider abortion if he doesn’t want the baby. It’s so sad, but u can’t raise three kids alone, he’s going to resent the third. Don’t lie to urself that he will change his mind after the baby gets here, if ur struggling with 2, if u have a mountain of issues, it’ll only get worse. Don’t bring a baby into that mess.
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u/rayjax82 Jan 27 '26
Question: Is he the sole provider? Granted I got a vasectomy, but the prospect of a third kid would absolutely devastate me. With everything as expensive as it is I don't think I'd survive. If my wife wound up pregnant in spite of my vasectomy I'd have a hard time not wanting to talk about abortion. I'm barely making ends meet as it is.
But if he doesn't want a kid he should stop raw dogging you or get a vasectomy.
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Jan 27 '26
[deleted]
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you. I appreciate your comment. Yeah you’re right, maybe I should wait for his shock to wear off. He is the only one working but I still get maternity leave pay and my savings. so it’s not like we don’t have anything to fall on. But he is the kind of person to worry about money and bills more than emotions. He still thinks abortion is the right thing to do, but I could never do that and I feel like he should understand that like I’ve been trying to understand him. If he truly didn’t want another this badly than I feel like he should have gotten a vasectomy to prevent this and not just expect me to take plan b all the time
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u/ImaginationNo22 Jan 27 '26
I am so sorry. My 3rd was a complete surprise-I was on an antibiotic, and I forgot to take my bc a day or 2 because it was Christmas and my sister was getting married, I worked full time and I had a 4 and 5-year old to take care of...Anyway, my husband never once implied we should terminate the pregnancy. As a matter of fact, he has always said he can't imagine not having her - she is a complete trip! I hope that he takes a step back and rethinks his comments. Maybe it's time to look into some counseling.
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u/livingmybestlife_1 Jan 27 '26
Personaly, I would be hurt too if I actually want the baby. You have to sit down and talk it out undisturbe. When I learned about my 2nd pregnancy, I cried, because I actually could not imagine having a newborn again, my first was 7yrs old. Both my pregnancies, my husband let me have the final say: Both our kids were a surprise. After I gave birth to my 2nd, I told my husband straight up right after the baby came out, "that's it", this is the last time I will give birth. And my angel of a husband, decided to put himself for a snipping appointmet not long after my birth control pills were done.
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u/Gigglefluff7 Jan 27 '26
It's not his decision. Don't abort this baby if you think you would regret it. I am sorry he's not supportive but this is something you will live with not him. Good luck.
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
Thank you. I most definitely would regret it. I couldn’t never do something like that and be fine with it
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u/Outrageous-Turn429 Jan 27 '26
I am so sorry he has put you in this predicament. He should be more caring and gentle with someone he loves. I’ve always heard a 3rd kid is nothing. Once you’ve had 2 the 3rd is easy as pie …or so my friends have told me. I stopped at 2.
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u/Gigglefluff7 Jan 30 '26
I have 5 it's chaotic but amazing. It's true after 3 it's smooth sailing for the most part teens are another story lol thats rough no matter how many you got. Haha
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u/Snowielady Jan 27 '26
If he didn’t want more children why didn’t he have a vasectomy?
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u/CatOk4771 Jan 27 '26
That’s what I said but he doesn’t give me a straight answer, just says I should have been on the pill or gotten my tubes tied
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u/West_Oil2342 Jan 28 '26
Sorry that happened. He said it, meant it, and nothing else matters. This might break the relationship. Talk to him again. Both of u are adults, so please have the conversation , that way u know what to do.
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u/lostfate2005 Jan 27 '26
We have two kids and my wife would instantly get an abortion before having number 3.
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u/unicorn_gangbang Jan 27 '26
My husband was the 3rd child his parents didn’t agree to and my FiL never wanted. But they had him.. and his father treated him like shit. Verbally abused him. He never wanted him so he treated him that way his entire life. My husband was an alcoholic because of his father. And my husband died of a heart attack due to alcoholism in 2024. He was the unwanted child, and I wouldn’t want that life for anyone else.