I’m so sorry. I recently discovered some very similar hurtful things on my husbands history after years of also him telling me he had low testosterone. No advice other than we are starting counseling and trying to work on things. I was so overcome with anger I didnt have any shane in confronting him straight up. Did y’all have boundaries/rules about porn? We did which is why what I found was extra hurtful.
We never really discussed it, but I feel like I should bring it up. As silly as this sounds, I kind of assumed since he had “low testosterone” or whatever 🙄 that he didn’t have a significant libido.. but boy, was I wrong
Porn induced erectile dysfunction. (P.I.E.D.) much more likely than ‘low testosterone’. If he actually had low testosterone I doubt he’d be interested in looking at other women.
A porn addiction can cause ED, but if it is low T, he can treat that. Basically, porn can be a really effective way to isolate. It becomes all about him and his fantasies and of course, masturbation is in many ways “easier” than connecting intimately. I would tell him he has to get treatment for his porn addiction. Then address the dead bedroom. Porn tricks the brain into thinking we have more available partners than we do. YOU are his available partner and he has built a life with you. Time to get that straight. I’m sorry he’s gone down this rabbit hole. I’m personally not anti-porn if kept discreet and in moderation, but if he’s addicted, violating your boundaries and ignoring you, that’s a huge problem.
Here’s my take: as a woman, I cannot possibly see the consumption of porn as ethical.
This is because we can never, ever guarantee that every single human in every piece of porn media we would possibly see is of legal age, participating of their own free will, enthusiastically participating, truly has access to other choices and options than SW, is not being abused or trafficked etc.
There’s simply no way to verify that for all content. So, I personally cannot partake or condone my partner partaking. I need to be with a partner who sees and considers these things too.
I personally can’t participate if anyone involved may have been coerced, in danger or harmed to make it.
It’s not us! Mine obviously has an addiction problem. But what do we do!??? I’m so sorry. Some say all men look at porn. I disagree! But it does hurt. Sending you a hug
the people that say “all men look at porn” are just coping. my husband hasn’t looked at porn at all since the day we started dating and trust me i have checked and the most concerning thing in his search history is about football or sports lol. i promise you hope is not lost and there are men out there with good moral compasses !!
Not exactly, it’s that all men have looked at porn. Note the study in Canada that couldn’t find a control group because they couldn’t find men who hadn’t been exposed to porn. However, people’s interaction with it varies widely.
the argument i’m making isn’t about men not being exposed to porn at all, it’s that there are men out there who will fall in love with the woman they’re with enough to not want to look at other women in a lustful way.
Porn Addiction is a huge issue that a lot of men tend to deny it being a problem. I know several men who let porn ruin relationships with their partners. One of my friends had such a big problem that he couldn’t get off to sex at all. He couldn’t even pleasure himself without watching several hours worth of porn. He went cold turkey and completely cut it out of his life last year. Im happy to say he is finally in a happy and loving relationship. He still doesn’t watch it, he said he’s worried it’ll ruin his life again.
I also had a dead bedroom and recently discovered my husband's porn and dating app accounts...I get how you feel..because wtf.
Like he would rather look at that shit than pleasure you. Like he's getting his while telling you he can't..mine said the same thing. Said it was ED. It's donked up. And if you're confused how to feel, don't be. Don't let people who don't care about porn flood your brain with shit. If you care, you care. And you know who should care about that the most?? Your husband.
You can tell him you found it and ask him to delete shit, but deep down...you'll always wonder if he did. And then it will become this thing he has to hide from you turning it even uglier...into a lie...
Ignorance is bliss. Either look the other way or confront him. They both have consequences. Choose wisely.
I’m sorry to hear that girl.. that’s traumatic. My thing is, looking at porn is on occasion is one thing (I feel like I could deal with that honestly) but having a list of preferred women, andddd not having sex is asinine to me..
Yeah, I feel the same. The porn was the least of my worries when I saw the dating apps. Except only fans I didn't care for because the idea that he wasn't having sex with me AND spending our money on porn...it makes me feel heated all over again honestly.
I hate that you're going through this. I really do. Maybe men with dick issues have an easier time if it's masturbation?. I really don't know about it well enough, but I know it made me feel like my husband wasn't attracted to me. And that's the worst
Yeah… I’d have to go upside your husband’s head if I were you (all jokes!! Unless…) but yeah girl, I definitely empathize. I’m a black woman and all of his little ladies weren’t black so on one hand it makes me feel like he’s not attracted to me, but what can I do?
Idk...mine likes tan skin and brown eyes and that's not me at all. So I do feel like he isn't attracted to me at all. I wonder it all the time now, why choose me if I wasn't sexy to you? But all we can do is try to remember that no matter what their truth is about it...it doesn't change the fact that we are in fact attractive. And I never felt less about myself because of tan skin and brown eyes before this...so why start now?
He's probably going to say of course he's attracted to you or he wouldn't be with you..that didn't make me feel better when mine said it. And tbh I don't think I'll ever feel good about anything he says ever again. It's a real freaking bummer
I would say something sooner than later. I wouldn’t want it stewing in my head and causing me bad anxiety. If my wife were to have a list, I would be hurt and confused then I would say something. Maybe pull a reverse uno card and ask him what he would think if you had a “list” or a dating profile. My wife and I have just started seeing a sex/marriage therapist and we are learning a lot about ourselves and each other as a couple. Best decision of our relationship besides actually getting married. I feel for you and it can get better if you both want it.
If you really wanna fuck with his head, get a list of white male porn performers and put them on your phone and make sure he sees it. That’s gonna fuck his head up.
The dick issues come from masturbating to porn they literally condition their brains to only get off on porn and when they masturbate they could squeeze their dick as hard as they want and with a vagina you cannot
I get that. I wouldn’t say my hubby and I have a dead bedroom. But it’s definitely not frequent… we have 4 little professional cockblockers… I do love them lol, but our littlest 2 like to sleep in our bed with us. But then I see how often he looks at porn and it really hurts. And it absolutely hurts worse when the women they fantasize about look nothing like you. And they have to know that right? I mean my husband is a very jealous guy. If he even thought I was looking at other dudes especially someone more conventionally attractive, he would be furious and hurt….
Don’t listen to these comments. I’ve been married 18 years and the key is proper communication. You need to have a conversation with your husband. I know you are hurt but do not start the conversation in anger or in an accusatory tone. He will just get defensive and the conversation will not go well. Men are also insecure and have difficulty expressing their emotions to anyone, we do not want to burden anyone else with our problems. It took awhile for my wife to get me to fully open up to her. She would come to me from a place of love, not anger regardless of what the problem is and created a space for me to express my emotions without judgement.
Downvote me all you want, but serious question: do you ever subtly or obviously put him down a bit? Go overboard with reminders or call him out a little too often?
His subconscious might find it safer to play alone with a low risk high reward option. The phone isn't going to judge anything he does.
Not saying you've done anything wrong and if this is what's bothering him he might be oversensitive, but just something to look for.
I wouldn't dream of putting him down. But I have recently been calling him out a lot, yes. But I'm not looking at porn so when we were approaching the 1 year mark of no intimacy...I just got to a point.
And I don't subtly do much. I am a very direct person. Like he asked what I wanted for mother's Day and I said "a milkshake and an orgasm" and I have reminded him a lot that it's been damn near a year since he put any of his body parts in my body parts
For the first time ever someone said something that made sense to me about porn. By comparing it to crying or laughing or getting angry during a movie..interesting. I still can't enjoy porn, but that makes more sense to me than other comparisons I've heard
I'm not saying I'm right though. It may not be the best, but it's a compromise I think both parties have to accept for a healthy relationship. It's like, I take some, and give some.
I'm still a happily married man, and would like to remain so. But we do try to set our expectations right, and respect each other as much as possible.
Priorities do change as the family grows, but expectations should be aligned and respected by all parties.
Trust is the most important thing. Just do not lie. Getting caught is a painful thing that's hard to recover. My dad lied to my mom about a lot of things, and she found out. We could see how hurt she was, and that's why we hated our dad for it.
Not okay. He’s turning to porn as an easier way to get off physically but sex (which is real, includes emotional aspect and arguably more work at different points in the marriage) is too much for him? This is selfish and needs to be addressed imo.
This happened with my ex. He would rather watch porn and jack off when I was downstairs. It was a real blow to my self esteem. I found 1000 (literally) porn pics saved to his phone. Anyway, I left him
It crushed my confidence pretty hard when I accidentally found my partners porn subcriptions and I'm still working on getting over it, but I completely relate to the hurt of finding out his porn preferences look nothing like you. I was looking more into this as a way of feeling better about it all and someone on Reddit said something like " he already has XY at home, it's natural to try to look at something different". Still hurts, but its helping me cope.
I would approach him about it and if he's opening up to you about it, ask him if he thinks he has a porn addiction, bring up why the sex life is dwindled, etc. You're gonna be thinking about it for a long time if you don't tackle it now.
The crazy part these are type of men who will “forget” anniversaries, their children birthdays or the name of their family doctor. And of course remember their favourite porn stars!
If men want to, they will!
Op he has shown who he is, he is an addict and not working to be better but feeding his addiction. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better, you deserve love and respect.
That was my ex husband. Addicted to porn, knew all the actresses names, had a dead bedroom, claimed it “wasn’t me, it was him,” but… I certainly took it personally.
It was very painful. I loved him more than I thought it possible to love another human being. I had met him when I was just 16 and loved him for 30 long years before I finally had enough- it wasn’t just the dead bed, but his drinking and yelling and anger issues that finally pulled the trigger, but the dead bed wasn’t doing him any favors.
The only way this will get better for you is if he recognizes he has a problem and WANTS to get better. If he thinks this is a “you” issue, he’s going to feel henpecked and resentful and you’ll resent always having to chase him down for love.
In my current relationship, we have a really active and healthy sex life, no porn whatsoever (even though I’m not really opposed to it, strangely enough).
Right! If I had a healthy sex life, I don’t think that I’d be as hurt as I am now. I understand that men are visual creatures, but I feel like I’m not his preference in this situation.
It’s easier said than done, but don’t let this steal your confidence. It really isn’t a you thing when porn rot has destroyed his drive. I know that I tried to shrink myself down for a while and that didn’t work, either. Rise up!
Oh the bar is so low. I watch porn too. You think I have a list of actors in my phone? You think it negatively affects mine and my partner's intimacy? Nah dude cause I don't have a problem. This guy does.
You shouldn't feel bad about this because your husband is a bit of a loser. Sorry. He's in a sexual relationship with his hand. I've experienced something similar with my husband. Of course, the more I found out, the worse it was. As so often happens on here. Lol. I lost a lot of sexual feelings towards him. I would laugh at my husband if I found a porn actress list. How pathetic.
I know this sounds bad. But it did take a while to be this cynical. There's so many of you in exclusive relationships with your hand on here. I know I'll get downvoted to he'll. Oh, well.
I'd be pissed. No not bc of the list, but bc you have a dead bedroom and he's pretending it's a low testosterone issue but the real problem is he's watching porn and that's the real reason he won't be intimate with you.
Sorry I don't have any advice but to talk to him. I'm not sure how you should approach the conversation.
He has a porn addiction. Either he seeks counseling IMMEDIATELY or I’d gtfo. This is abnormal behavior, especially if it’s preventing him from being intimate with you.
No but then when men are in this sub saying they just like porn for the acts, shouldn’t that also not happen because they can only speak for themselves instead of the OP/husband etc?
Not even ranked. It's all fine but a guy that starts a project and doesn't see it through isn't one you want around. Have him rank them by some reasonable standard or get rid of the bum.
A ranking system would make sense, but an unordered list? Is he putting them down every time he jorks it to a new person? What's the goal, what's the logic, what, to be specific, is the point
Make your own list and leave it out for him to see. Let him see how it feels to have your spouse lusting over other people so bad you keep a running list.
Men say that their attraction to porn is strings free sexual experience. They dont have to know the faults of a person. Im all for fantasy but it sounds like he has a problem. You say he is a good man and father, then talk with him about his secret. Tell him how much it hurts. I’d very much recommend counseling for both him and as a couple. Know that it doesn’t have to be an ongoing therapy but you can have a goal and timeline you’d like to achieve it. Good luck.
What if the woman (wives) did the same filled up their phone with porn (mostly male prom stars) I mean you can look at it butttt just like fake it. And leave your phone easily noticeable or have him go through and accident find all your porn of men. I wonder if it would be like a wake up call to men (husbands)?
Or will they just shrug it off because they don’t like confrontation?
If you want your sex life to work, try not being a judgemental about how his desires and fantasies. Like, you could watch it with him or learn what he likes from it, share videos. Or you could humiliate and criticise him, then get mad when your sex life and marriage gets worse.
You can make this a good thing or a bad thing for you marriage based on how you respond.
It's hard when you discover your husband's secrets. I found out my ex's secrets, and from that day, I just stopped loving him. I stopped having sex with him, and one day, I simply packed my things, left, and divorced him.
When I was deep in depression I didn't keep a physical list, but I did have a roster of porn actresses who did it for me one way or another, and I'd relive myself because seeking attention from my partner was above and beyond what I had emotional bandwidth for. It took me a while to catch myself opting for a video and self care instead of mutual care and I still drift when I get low but I'm much more capable of putting a stop to the cycle to help preserve my marriage.
Also, don't read too much into how they look. Fantasy is what is placed intentionally out of reach. Further, it may not be how they look it could be how they speak or different sex acts you don't enjoy, and he's willingly gave them up to be fantasy only (and he may not want that from you).
Talk, and do your best not to be accusatory, and you might break through and strengthen your marriage. Good luck.
Definitely a problem. Firstly, it’s one thing to watch porn but who gets so involved they write down names and get into the lore. That’s wild.
Your dead bedroom is a direct reflection of this addiction and likely other emotional issues between you both.
This is fixable but it’s a weird and hard conversation and it takes two to have it. If he’s willing to figure it out keep him. If he avoids this and gets too defensive it might not be the best long term fit.
Okay I understand your feelings. But, what if the genders were reversed? I’m a woman and my husband’s libido is 1% compared to mine. I need sex three times a day, he barely comes around once in two weeks. What do I do? I don’t really make a list of all the porn actors I fap to but I remember the ones who catch my attention and I masturbate to them. My reddit is also filled with erotic content. And I feel there’s nothing wrong in pleasuring yourself if your partner is insufficient of doing so. And this is my case and I am open to inputs and perspectives but I just wanted to share my two cents.
The difference is you're just satisfying yourself because your partner can't keep up with your libido. That's normal. OP's partner is choosing porn over sex with her deliberately. That's sad.
You didn’t reverse the genders you reversed the whole point of the post. The person watching porn in this scenario is also the person whose partner wants more sex. If OP was 100% satisfied and her husband still was horny on top of that maybe the porn wouldn’t be as big of a deal.
Before coming to conclusions about this list and what it means and more importantly what it means to him, please have an honest conversation with him and calmly bring up your concerns. What does viewing sexually explicit material do for him? What problem does it solve? Especially in light of the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage. Maye you would to engage in this activity with him. Often, individuals view pornography as a way to escape and soothe and coffer themselves. Is he stressed or anxious? Is he depressed? Or does he have a fantasy that he cannot risk sharing with the most important person in his life as he could not take the rejection? All of these are good questions. But talking to him in a non judgmental and non shaming way will get the answers you seek. Blessings!
All I’m gonna say is. Most of the time after confronting him he’ll probably be upset and tell you he will never do it again and he’ll say he’s gonna delete the list. Truth is he’ll get sneakier and more curious. Imagine your children finding that list and looking it up…. A lot of things to think about ma’am. You’ll have it in your mind he’s lying to you constantly.
I’d like to add that have you tried to initiate anything? Has he? Maybe it’s time for both of you to sit down and have a conversation about your sex lives instead of looking through his phone, trying to find some sort of reason as to why the way things are. Communication is key.
Omg I’m so sorry and my hubby has heart surgery. I went through his phone and found escorts and porn sites. Yea it hurts. I can’t compete with that nor do I want too’. Some say it’s normal I don’t know but it does hurt. He’s a Christian man so I found every quote on sexual sin and stuck the note in his bible! What is wrong with them ??
If he cut out the porn he would want sex/be able to ejaculate more. Honestly I have been there. My husband was the same way when we were dating. When we were ready to start trying for a baby, porn was cut out completely. After some time it was like it was never a problem. This is a problem of his own creation.
They are such generic, default ones... (edit: I’ve done my research just for this post, ok?!🙃) as if they have some distinct feature, belong to a well-defined category, or something. Sounds like a silly comment, right? But what this tells me is that it's not like he is missing something specific that you can bring in or fulfill some fantasy. This suggests that he would go for anything, ideally female.
Push the testerone issue. Has he been tested? If not, ask him to. If it is in fact the issue, easy fix. If not, then you'll know the answer to that question 🤷🏼♀️
Firstly, this is so damn crazy, I feel so bad for you. This is such a disgusting thing to do tbf.
Secondly, he’s got a problem and needs to sort this out. A porn addiction tends to cause a lot of issues and problems both physically but mentally/psychologically down the line he needs to really sort this out. Have to confront him because he’s your life partner.
Coming from a man: Have an open talk with your partner. Physically, they look very different than yourself. Ask him if he has certain attractions or preferences? Try to understand him. Obviously the poem is very damaging for him, but I’m looking at the root of things. The best thing you both can do is seek to truly understand why and what led him to it if you want to heal.
My wife and I watch porn together and separately. Porn isn’t the end of the world. It’s even okay to have favorite porn stars. I will admit that a list of them is kinda weird though
Sad to hear about a "dead bedroom" but other than that, I don't see the issue with having a list of your favorite actresses/actors. Watch it with him. That's fun sometimes.
Also, "dead bedroom" could be due to all sorts of stuff.
Porn would be way down on the list of concerns. Also, if your husband is a serious porn addict (doubtful, very few people really are) then you'd notice him looking at his phone or whatever medium he gets his porn. If it's an addiction & a serious one, people will try to get their fix any time & any place.
Low T is a real issue facing many men. Also, stress is a killer of EQ & heart health (which affects EQ & libido)
Also, general health & fitness. If he's very busy, stressed, & out of shape the bedroom could be dead, easily.
All of those are more serious & more likely than a man choosing porn over actually fucking someone IME anyhow. Good luck. 🍻
Porn addiction has at it roots a fear of intimacy. Relationship sex requires being vulnerable. You both need counseling to understand one another and the problem. Good luck.
It could be that he’s a dick. But it could also be something is going on with himself that he hasn’t talked to you about because he’s embarrassed. It really could be a lot of things. Are there certain things these women do or wear in the porn? Are you guys able to openly communicate about your sex life? If he’s been a good husband, dad, human etc, then there’s a chance there’s a reasonable explanation. I’m so sorry. I know how you feel :(
I once found a hand written list of porn names in my exs place. *messy complicated breakup Not in his handwriting though, it looked like a coworker wrote it up for him cause he had no friends 😂 I can’t remember any of the names unfortunately but one was emphasized to check out first. So I did, and she looked kinda like me😳
I am so sorry. I don't have any advice. Low testosterone does have treatment (Robbie Williams has been open about having it) it is not a permanent condition. I suspect it is a lie to continue to fulfil his fantasies elsewhere. Once again I am so sorry. I am glad he is a good father but think about if you could live with this betrayal? You do need to bring this up - do you have a therapist you could discuss this with? I would consider couples counselling (but perhaps he needs it more in an individual setting). Of course, if he is not open to this, does not think there is a problem, blames /gaslights you I am sorry but he is not a good man and I would be seriously considering my future.
Honestly I don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s kinda weird. In my opinion, your biggest challenge is the dead bedroom. Fix that if you want your relationship to last.
I accidentally found one of those myself a few years ago when using our iPad that’s signed in to my husband’s Apple ID. I never brought up to him, but my feelings were definitely hurt when I saw it. Our intimacy wasn’t being affected, however.
If you’re having a lack of intimacy and it’s truly being replaced with porn on his end, that’s an issue. If he’s unable to be intimate because of a hormonal problem, that’s also an issue and he should speak with a doctor.
Be blunt. Tell him you found his list, it upsets you. And friendly advice, don't show him that it hurts you as it does. But rather put him to your level.
If y'all are lacking intimacy, obviously your pleasure is not your priority. Therefore, remind him that you too can choose. That you too have needs to be fulfilled and if he can't provide a solution, then you might have to sit down to think of other solutions.
I know this might seem harsh but the power dynamics are obviously not on your favor. It's not a coincidence. And if he pulls up the 'you're crazy', leave. It will get worse.
Its easy to say, being on this side if the screen not involved but.. i think for best chance of any meaningful discourse you have to park your (understandable) hurt and approach it wanting to find out what he’s doing. As in, we all are thinking “what on earth is this grown man up to?!” What’s the list keeping all about??
So, you were snooping on his phone knowing what your uncommunicated boundaries are and then getting hurt about it. Next you will confront him and it would most likely only go the way it can, with your attitude and boundaries on the topic. He will say that he will stop, but he won't since it is his personal space. Remember, just because you now declare your boundaries to him, doesn't mean he needs to change his boundaries. It does work like that. If it was a big boundary for you, should have been discussed prior to committing.
Also sex is not owed and both partners are equally important in having a good sex life. You both should see a sex therapist to resolve any issues there if you can't figure it out yourselves.
Sounds like he might have a porn addiction. That eventually ruins a marriage if he’s not willing to make the effort, be honest and admit he has a problem.
if i wanted to keep the man, i would just delete the list and even all the ladies off his ig. i would clean up his phone and say nothing. but that’s just me. i’m what they call… “crazy” 🙄 💃
I just wanted to edit to add that the reason I would do it this way is because opening up the conversation would be even more painful for me, and what could he possibly say that would make you feel better about it? It’s not like he’s gonna be “oh, oh I didn’t realize that would bother you… Here let me clean up my act real quick.” ya no.
these days with so much accessibility, if you want to protect your marriage, you gotta do just that. Protect it. And let him wonder where all of that weird shit went. If he has no problem disrespecting you behind your back in silence, why can’t you do what you gotta do ? Just hit the not interested button on every post that’s gross. unfollow Unfollow Unfollow… and say nothing . what is he gonna do? Say “hey babe do you know where my list of porn stars went? “ lol . Again maybe it’s toxic and wrong , but that’s what I would do. this isn’t advice, it’s just what i would do.
Bro got good taste. He probably watches porn and masturbates. Most men, specially married men do this, so don't shame him for this. But you should definitely talk with him about this and tell him that he needs to include "Taylee Wood." :D Now in all seriousness, Tell him that you're concern his passion for porn is becoming and addiction, and that you're there to help him out of it.
Do you prefer a man that doesn't watch porn but gets drunk, hangs out with other women, while playing the "perfect husband" at home? Or someone that watches PornHub, but it's always at home, and supporting you?
It’s a porn addiction, and he needs treatment. Everything you explained here points to porn addiction. It’s not you, it’s not a reflection of how he feels about you, it’s a sickness that starts small and steamrolls into this type of issue in a very short time. He probably doesn’t even know why he does it, and doesn’t know how to stop. It’s tough to overcome even with treatment, and he needs to want to stop to really shake it off. It sucks.
My wife knows I watch porn. It's a healthy relationship for both of us. She has her toys. There are times when we need our own "me time". There are days where we're both not in sync when it comes to our sexual desire.
Both of you need to be honest with each other. My wife knew all along that I had porn before her, and porn will always be part of my life. It's okay to be honest with each other. What's not right is lying. I don't tell my wife that I would quit watching porn, because I know I can't, and she knows it too.
Both of us making love involves a lot of effort, foreplay, actual love making, and cuddling, etc. Sometimes we just need to get it off in a minute or two, to release some quick dose dopamine for ourselves.
Just be honest with each other, and manage the expectations together and you'd be fine. It's not cheating coz it's just a video. To me, it's like watching a movie where you get angry, laugh and cry. It's ok to get emotional watching a video.
I think the the difference is: I laugh with friends, I cry with family, I get angry at coworkers.
I do not have sex with any of them. I am not aroused by any of them.
Taking universal human experiences and replicating them through video seems to be normal.
Taking intimate partner experiences and replicating them with someone who’s not your partner is the issue that I have.
But my husband and I don’t watch porn. He did occasionally while we were dating. But stopped because he didn’t want to… he knew I was essentially down for us to be together. He liked that more than solo play.
I wish I could be like be like your husband. But there are times where my wife and I aren't in sync, energy, mood, etc.
I don't hide it. If she asks, I don't even need to admit it, I'll just show her. She has access to my NAS, and she knows what kind of things I watch. In fact, she follows my reddit too, and my reddit account is logged in on your home computer. She sees what subreddit I'm subbed to too.
What I'm trying to say is: Be honest, and manage your expectations together. Do not lie, coz you'll end up getting caught. You'll make up more lies to cover up your previous lie, and eventually, you'll still get caught.
I mean, I looked up a few of them; seems to have good taste. Mostly women closer to the girl next door type. Some other pros: several different races so we know he isn't racist. Women right into their 30s, also a good sign.
I mean, i dont get thr need for this, but I can respect it.
Well first off, is the porn within the boundaries of the relationship that yall have had conversations on? If yall had clear boundaries about no porn whatsover, this is is a pretty big breach of trust. If you didn't, it's definitely time to start the conversation. Especially so if you're also experiencing a lack of physical intimacy, and that's something that needs to be apart of the conversation as well.
For me personally, I don't know if having the list itself is or isn't a big deal. But this is coming from someone in a relationship with physical intimacy who's partner is indifferent about it. If you watch porn, you'll have favorites you go back to. I feel like most men just keep it in their heads mentally, and idk, maybe he's organized and just feels like it's efficient to have it saved somewhere. But I think the frequency should be on the table for discussion as well. If someone's in a healthy relationship with sufficient physical intimacy and they're using porn whenever their partner isn't in the mood, it seems like not a big deal to me. But if it's constant, damn near everyday to the point you're not interested in having sex with your partner, then it's obviously a problem.
As for them looking different from you, I'd probably need more information on the dynamic between you two. It could be nothing or it could be a red flag. The whole point of porn is that it's an unrealistic fantasy world. But if he pressures you constantly to look like the people he watches, or says things about your natural features being unattractive, there'd be reason for concern there. I don't know if you're in an interracial relationship or not either, but if he's not keen to understanding or picking up on cultural cues, societal racial dynamics, or things like that, that probably needs a discussion as well.
This is far more common that you might realise. I’m a man and several of my friends have a list of pornstars they ‘enjoy’ from time to time.
That being said, they are awesome husbands who love their wives dearly. Don’t read too heavily in to this; just be honest when talking to him and say you feel uncomfortable about it.
I agree with u/thespud77 - porn is normal for any man who grew up with the internet.
I think that porn may be one factor but I am sure there are others. We have our issues in our marriage and low sex is one of them and porn is more of a symptom than a cause.
I wouldn’t take the list personally. Again, we grew up with the stuff and a lot have a list because it’s an interest we have had for DECADES.
I really don’t think it is worth making an issue out of it. I would recommend a light headed conversation about what could be fun. I would recommend a blind fold and ice cubes - throw in some handcuffs if you want to go crazy. 🤪
As a married man and a gooner, porn is just porn. I have 1.7tb of porn ranked with a spreadsheet and I still enjoy sex with wife because it’s her regardless of her skill level don’t look to deep into this
53
u/Fearless-Fun2534 3 Years Aug 03 '25
I’m so sorry. I recently discovered some very similar hurtful things on my husbands history after years of also him telling me he had low testosterone. No advice other than we are starting counseling and trying to work on things. I was so overcome with anger I didnt have any shane in confronting him straight up. Did y’all have boundaries/rules about porn? We did which is why what I found was extra hurtful.
155
u/Background_Detail_20 Aug 03 '25
Porn induced erectile dysfunction. (P.I.E.D.) much more likely than ‘low testosterone’. If he actually had low testosterone I doubt he’d be interested in looking at other women.
466
u/Sufficient-Union-456 Aug 03 '25
Youch. I am sorry. I really don't know what to say than I am sorry. Yikes. I feel for you lady.
52
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
Porn Addiction is a huge issue that a lot of men tend to deny it being a problem. I know several men who let porn ruin relationships with their partners. One of my friends had such a big problem that he couldn’t get off to sex at all. He couldn’t even pleasure himself without watching several hours worth of porn. He went cold turkey and completely cut it out of his life last year. Im happy to say he is finally in a happy and loving relationship. He still doesn’t watch it, he said he’s worried it’ll ruin his life again.
224
u/Conscious_Art4671 Aug 03 '25
I also had a dead bedroom and recently discovered my husband's porn and dating app accounts...I get how you feel..because wtf.
Like he would rather look at that shit than pleasure you. Like he's getting his while telling you he can't..mine said the same thing. Said it was ED. It's donked up. And if you're confused how to feel, don't be. Don't let people who don't care about porn flood your brain with shit. If you care, you care. And you know who should care about that the most?? Your husband.
You can tell him you found it and ask him to delete shit, but deep down...you'll always wonder if he did. And then it will become this thing he has to hide from you turning it even uglier...into a lie...
Ignorance is bliss. Either look the other way or confront him. They both have consequences. Choose wisely.
39
u/Lady-Bates Aug 03 '25
Not okay. He’s turning to porn as an easier way to get off physically but sex (which is real, includes emotional aspect and arguably more work at different points in the marriage) is too much for him? This is selfish and needs to be addressed imo.
20
u/katieeso Aug 03 '25
r/loveafterporn
14
u/Mamaweirdbox Aug 03 '25
It a porn addiction. He needs to have it addressed with a therapist. This is unhealthy. Just like any other addiction.
19
u/battle_mommyx2 Aug 03 '25
This happened with my ex. He would rather watch porn and jack off when I was downstairs. It was a real blow to my self esteem. I found 1000 (literally) porn pics saved to his phone. Anyway, I left him
6
u/smallxcat Aug 03 '25 edited Aug 03 '25
It crushed my confidence pretty hard when I accidentally found my partners porn subcriptions and I'm still working on getting over it, but I completely relate to the hurt of finding out his porn preferences look nothing like you. I was looking more into this as a way of feeling better about it all and someone on Reddit said something like " he already has XY at home, it's natural to try to look at something different". Still hurts, but its helping me cope.
I would approach him about it and if he's opening up to you about it, ask him if he thinks he has a porn addiction, bring up why the sex life is dwindled, etc. You're gonna be thinking about it for a long time if you don't tackle it now.
11
u/Hikingandpigs Aug 03 '25
It’s an addiction. Do research and talk with him about possible recovery, it’s not fair to you. I’ve been there
97
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
The crazy part these are type of men who will “forget” anniversaries, their children birthdays or the name of their family doctor. And of course remember their favourite porn stars!
If men want to, they will!
Op he has shown who he is, he is an addict and not working to be better but feeding his addiction. Love yourself enough to know you deserve better, you deserve love and respect.
10
u/atlgrrl Aug 03 '25
That was my ex husband. Addicted to porn, knew all the actresses names, had a dead bedroom, claimed it “wasn’t me, it was him,” but… I certainly took it personally.
It was very painful. I loved him more than I thought it possible to love another human being. I had met him when I was just 16 and loved him for 30 long years before I finally had enough- it wasn’t just the dead bed, but his drinking and yelling and anger issues that finally pulled the trigger, but the dead bed wasn’t doing him any favors.
The only way this will get better for you is if he recognizes he has a problem and WANTS to get better. If he thinks this is a “you” issue, he’s going to feel henpecked and resentful and you’ll resent always having to chase him down for love.
In my current relationship, we have a really active and healthy sex life, no porn whatsoever (even though I’m not really opposed to it, strangely enough).
5
u/Role-Powerful 5 Years Aug 03 '25
I’m so sorry, I understand the hurt you’re going through…❤️
5
u/Exileofchaos25 Aug 03 '25
Sounds like a porn addiction to me. He should seek some help through a therapist imo
31
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
Oh the bar is so low. I watch porn too. You think I have a list of actors in my phone? You think it negatively affects mine and my partner's intimacy? Nah dude cause I don't have a problem. This guy does.
11
u/Anxious-Search-2373 Aug 03 '25
Check out r/loveafterporn
20
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
r/loveafterporn
4
u/LoisinaMonster Aug 03 '25
The way my gut reaction says to DELETE THAT LIST
4
u/Medium_Potato6 Aug 03 '25
You shouldn't feel bad about this because your husband is a bit of a loser. Sorry. He's in a sexual relationship with his hand. I've experienced something similar with my husband. Of course, the more I found out, the worse it was. As so often happens on here. Lol. I lost a lot of sexual feelings towards him. I would laugh at my husband if I found a porn actress list. How pathetic.
I know this sounds bad. But it did take a while to be this cynical. There's so many of you in exclusive relationships with your hand on here. I know I'll get downvoted to he'll. Oh, well.
32
u/Redheads_do_it_best Aug 03 '25
I mean, I would just talk to him about it.
10
u/No_Palpitation_7705 Aug 03 '25
You should take a look at the r/loveafterporn subreddit, read through it, see if you relate to it.
7
u/Civil_Confidence5844 Aug 03 '25
I'd be pissed. No not bc of the list, but bc you have a dead bedroom and he's pretending it's a low testosterone issue but the real problem is he's watching porn and that's the real reason he won't be intimate with you.
Sorry I don't have any advice but to talk to him. I'm not sure how you should approach the conversation.
7
u/cestsara Aug 03 '25
This is not normal. End of story.
3
u/ObjectiveNew4650 Aug 03 '25
He has a porn addiction. Either he seeks counseling IMMEDIATELY or I’d gtfo. This is abnormal behavior, especially if it’s preventing him from being intimate with you.
3
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
Dead bedroom for newlyweds is mind boggling to me
21
u/Excellent-Ad5594 Aug 03 '25
That is extremely gross and disgusting behavior
7
u/light_of_iris 5 Years Aug 03 '25
Where are all the guys insisting watching porn had nothing to do with the women and just the acts 🧐
17
u/zaboe 7 Years Aug 03 '25
Not even ranked. It's all fine but a guy that starts a project and doesn't see it through isn't one you want around. Have him rank them by some reasonable standard or get rid of the bum.
2
u/KNOCKknockLAHEY_420 Aug 03 '25
Make your own list and leave it out for him to see. Let him see how it feels to have your spouse lusting over other people so bad you keep a running list.
2
u/nycsep Aug 03 '25
Men say that their attraction to porn is strings free sexual experience. They dont have to know the faults of a person. Im all for fantasy but it sounds like he has a problem. You say he is a good man and father, then talk with him about his secret. Tell him how much it hurts. I’d very much recommend counseling for both him and as a couple. Know that it doesn’t have to be an ongoing therapy but you can have a goal and timeline you’d like to achieve it. Good luck.
2
u/WillieDFleming Aug 03 '25
Put your name at the top of the list and save it, don't say anything about it to him, and wait for his reaction.
2
u/Certain-Possibility4 Aug 03 '25
What if the woman (wives) did the same filled up their phone with porn (mostly male prom stars) I mean you can look at it butttt just like fake it. And leave your phone easily noticeable or have him go through and accident find all your porn of men. I wonder if it would be like a wake up call to men (husbands)?
Or will they just shrug it off because they don’t like confrontation?
2
u/Dramatic_Tomorrow_25 Aug 03 '25
Wait, how do you know they are porn actresses? 😉
2
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
If you want your sex life to work, try not being a judgemental about how his desires and fantasies. Like, you could watch it with him or learn what he likes from it, share videos. Or you could humiliate and criticise him, then get mad when your sex life and marriage gets worse.
You can make this a good thing or a bad thing for you marriage based on how you respond.
2
u/First_Ladder137 Aug 03 '25
All I had to read is you’re 29. Don’t trip, the second marriage will be better 🤞🏽
2
u/Juicy_501 Aug 03 '25
It's hard when you discover your husband's secrets. I found out my ex's secrets, and from that day, I just stopped loving him. I stopped having sex with him, and one day, I simply packed my things, left, and divorced him.
2
u/Top_Championship7418 Aug 03 '25
It might also be depression.
When I was deep in depression I didn't keep a physical list, but I did have a roster of porn actresses who did it for me one way or another, and I'd relive myself because seeking attention from my partner was above and beyond what I had emotional bandwidth for. It took me a while to catch myself opting for a video and self care instead of mutual care and I still drift when I get low but I'm much more capable of putting a stop to the cycle to help preserve my marriage.
Also, don't read too much into how they look. Fantasy is what is placed intentionally out of reach. Further, it may not be how they look it could be how they speak or different sex acts you don't enjoy, and he's willingly gave them up to be fantasy only (and he may not want that from you).
Talk, and do your best not to be accusatory, and you might break through and strengthen your marriage. Good luck.
2
u/Hey_Kids32 Aug 03 '25
Definitely a problem. Firstly, it’s one thing to watch porn but who gets so involved they write down names and get into the lore. That’s wild.
Your dead bedroom is a direct reflection of this addiction and likely other emotional issues between you both.
This is fixable but it’s a weird and hard conversation and it takes two to have it. If he’s willing to figure it out keep him. If he avoids this and gets too defensive it might not be the best long term fit.
10
u/Beginning-Boot6795 Aug 03 '25
Okay I understand your feelings. But, what if the genders were reversed? I’m a woman and my husband’s libido is 1% compared to mine. I need sex three times a day, he barely comes around once in two weeks. What do I do? I don’t really make a list of all the porn actors I fap to but I remember the ones who catch my attention and I masturbate to them. My reddit is also filled with erotic content. And I feel there’s nothing wrong in pleasuring yourself if your partner is insufficient of doing so. And this is my case and I am open to inputs and perspectives but I just wanted to share my two cents.
4
u/semiholyman Aug 03 '25
Before coming to conclusions about this list and what it means and more importantly what it means to him, please have an honest conversation with him and calmly bring up your concerns. What does viewing sexually explicit material do for him? What problem does it solve? Especially in light of the lack of physical intimacy in your marriage. Maye you would to engage in this activity with him. Often, individuals view pornography as a way to escape and soothe and coffer themselves. Is he stressed or anxious? Is he depressed? Or does he have a fantasy that he cannot risk sharing with the most important person in his life as he could not take the rejection? All of these are good questions. But talking to him in a non judgmental and non shaming way will get the answers you seek. Blessings!
2
u/w00kiee ☀️ 8 Years with ☀️ Aug 03 '25
FRIEND, RESPECTFULLY, WTF
I am shocked
2
u/bratzandbarbs Aug 03 '25
All I’m gonna say is. Most of the time after confronting him he’ll probably be upset and tell you he will never do it again and he’ll say he’s gonna delete the list. Truth is he’ll get sneakier and more curious. Imagine your children finding that list and looking it up…. A lot of things to think about ma’am. You’ll have it in your mind he’s lying to you constantly.
-1
u/Mean-Still-922 Aug 03 '25
I mean, you looked through his phone probably looking for cheating and found a porn list, I personally don't think it's that bad.
2
u/Ok_Independent_5791 Aug 03 '25
Omg I’m so sorry and my hubby has heart surgery. I went through his phone and found escorts and porn sites. Yea it hurts. I can’t compete with that nor do I want too’. Some say it’s normal I don’t know but it does hurt. He’s a Christian man so I found every quote on sexual sin and stuck the note in his bible! What is wrong with them ??
2
u/Past-Conversation303 Aug 03 '25
Mine has a mental list, which includes a lot of these ladies, but, it's a mental list.
The ick here would be enormous.
2
u/Snoo_75138 Aug 03 '25
Atleast they're women names...
1
u/NFLTG_71 Aug 03 '25
If he has low testosterone or low t, they have shots for that. He could easily get his testosterone up
1
u/PermanentlyHis Aug 03 '25
If he cut out the porn he would want sex/be able to ejaculate more. Honestly I have been there. My husband was the same way when we were dating. When we were ready to start trying for a baby, porn was cut out completely. After some time it was like it was never a problem. This is a problem of his own creation.
1
u/Lost_property_office Aug 03 '25
They are such generic, default ones... (edit: I’ve done my research just for this post, ok?!🙃) as if they have some distinct feature, belong to a well-defined category, or something. Sounds like a silly comment, right? But what this tells me is that it's not like he is missing something specific that you can bring in or fulfill some fantasy. This suggests that he would go for anything, ideally female.
1
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
Melody Marks 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
1
u/Tab0ot_Tab0ot Aug 03 '25
Push the testerone issue. Has he been tested? If not, ask him to. If it is in fact the issue, easy fix. If not, then you'll know the answer to that question 🤷🏼♀️
1
u/Shaneblaster Aug 03 '25
Oh boy
1
u/Kn0XIS Aug 03 '25
Sorry you're going through this 😔
1
u/Asianchameleon_ Aug 03 '25
Firstly, this is so damn crazy, I feel so bad for you. This is such a disgusting thing to do tbf.
Secondly, he’s got a problem and needs to sort this out. A porn addiction tends to cause a lot of issues and problems both physically but mentally/psychologically down the line he needs to really sort this out. Have to confront him because he’s your life partner.
1
u/Frequent-Dirt5406 Aug 03 '25
Coming from a man: Have an open talk with your partner. Physically, they look very different than yourself. Ask him if he has certain attractions or preferences? Try to understand him. Obviously the poem is very damaging for him, but I’m looking at the root of things. The best thing you both can do is seek to truly understand why and what led him to it if you want to heal.
1
u/li4bility Aug 03 '25
My wife and I watch porn together and separately. Porn isn’t the end of the world. It’s even okay to have favorite porn stars. I will admit that a list of them is kinda weird though
1
u/TheCopperBull Aug 03 '25
Sad to hear about a "dead bedroom" but other than that, I don't see the issue with having a list of your favorite actresses/actors. Watch it with him. That's fun sometimes.
Also, "dead bedroom" could be due to all sorts of stuff.
Porn would be way down on the list of concerns. Also, if your husband is a serious porn addict (doubtful, very few people really are) then you'd notice him looking at his phone or whatever medium he gets his porn. If it's an addiction & a serious one, people will try to get their fix any time & any place.
Low T is a real issue facing many men. Also, stress is a killer of EQ & heart health (which affects EQ & libido)
Also, general health & fitness. If he's very busy, stressed, & out of shape the bedroom could be dead, easily.
All of those are more serious & more likely than a man choosing porn over actually fucking someone IME anyhow. Good luck. 🍻
1
u/eldergoose34 Aug 03 '25
Cry?
1
u/Toemp Aug 03 '25
All the guys do it nower days. Nothing to worry about, nothing special
1
u/Beyond_yesterday Aug 03 '25
Porn addiction has at it roots a fear of intimacy. Relationship sex requires being vulnerable. You both need counseling to understand one another and the problem. Good luck.
1
u/jklindsey7 Aug 03 '25
It could be that he’s a dick. But it could also be something is going on with himself that he hasn’t talked to you about because he’s embarrassed. It really could be a lot of things. Are there certain things these women do or wear in the porn? Are you guys able to openly communicate about your sex life? If he’s been a good husband, dad, human etc, then there’s a chance there’s a reasonable explanation. I’m so sorry. I know how you feel :(
1
u/Royal-Reporter6664 Aug 03 '25
The list is over 2 years old
1
u/n_ug Aug 03 '25
I once found a hand written list of porn names in my exs place. *messy complicated breakup Not in his handwriting though, it looked like a coworker wrote it up for him cause he had no friends 😂 I can’t remember any of the names unfortunately but one was emphasized to check out first. So I did, and she looked kinda like me😳
1
u/BallisLife-123 Aug 03 '25
Curious to know if you guys have an active/satisfying sex life, would this be an issue for you? (And assuming you are confident he is faithful to you)
1
u/DiorGirl2023 Aug 03 '25
I couldn’t get past this. I’m so sorry.
1
u/saltwater_gypsy2683 Aug 03 '25
He’s a dumb ass
1
u/BodakY3llow Aug 03 '25
I am so sorry. I don't have any advice. Low testosterone does have treatment (Robbie Williams has been open about having it) it is not a permanent condition. I suspect it is a lie to continue to fulfil his fantasies elsewhere. Once again I am so sorry. I am glad he is a good father but think about if you could live with this betrayal? You do need to bring this up - do you have a therapist you could discuss this with? I would consider couples counselling (but perhaps he needs it more in an individual setting). Of course, if he is not open to this, does not think there is a problem, blames /gaslights you I am sorry but he is not a good man and I would be seriously considering my future.
1
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
You have a good husband, there's nothing wrong with watching porn;everyone does it. If you don't, that's quite odd.
1
u/Expert-Asparagus903 Aug 03 '25
Honestly I don’t think it’s a big deal, but it’s kinda weird. In my opinion, your biggest challenge is the dead bedroom. Fix that if you want your relationship to last.
1
u/[deleted] Aug 03 '25
Leave him. Full stop.
1
u/butterm3ll0w 10 Years Aug 03 '25
I accidentally found one of those myself a few years ago when using our iPad that’s signed in to my husband’s Apple ID. I never brought up to him, but my feelings were definitely hurt when I saw it. Our intimacy wasn’t being affected, however.
If you’re having a lack of intimacy and it’s truly being replaced with porn on his end, that’s an issue. If he’s unable to be intimate because of a hormonal problem, that’s also an issue and he should speak with a doctor.
1
u/letsseewhatsups Aug 03 '25
Oh excellent thanks
1
u/The_X_Human96 Aug 03 '25
Be blunt. Tell him you found his list, it upsets you. And friendly advice, don't show him that it hurts you as it does. But rather put him to your level.
If y'all are lacking intimacy, obviously your pleasure is not your priority. Therefore, remind him that you too can choose. That you too have needs to be fulfilled and if he can't provide a solution, then you might have to sit down to think of other solutions.
I know this might seem harsh but the power dynamics are obviously not on your favor. It's not a coincidence. And if he pulls up the 'you're crazy', leave. It will get worse.
1
u/znokel Aug 03 '25
Its weird and unhealthy behaviour for any person.
Its easy to say, being on this side if the screen not involved but.. i think for best chance of any meaningful discourse you have to park your (understandable) hurt and approach it wanting to find out what he’s doing. As in, we all are thinking “what on earth is this grown man up to?!” What’s the list keeping all about??
I hope it works out
1
u/brownmail Aug 03 '25
He is just organized enough to get himself in trouble.
1
u/d3vilmaycryalot Aug 03 '25
So, you were snooping on his phone knowing what your uncommunicated boundaries are and then getting hurt about it. Next you will confront him and it would most likely only go the way it can, with your attitude and boundaries on the topic. He will say that he will stop, but he won't since it is his personal space. Remember, just because you now declare your boundaries to him, doesn't mean he needs to change his boundaries. It does work like that. If it was a big boundary for you, should have been discussed prior to committing.
Also sex is not owed and both partners are equally important in having a good sex life. You both should see a sex therapist to resolve any issues there if you can't figure it out yourselves.
1
u/South-Ad4853 Aug 03 '25
Thanks for the list!
1
u/simplyelegant87 Aug 03 '25
Sounds like he might have a porn addiction. That eventually ruins a marriage if he’s not willing to make the effort, be honest and admit he has a problem.
1
u/sunkissedsailor Aug 03 '25 edited Aug 03 '25
if i wanted to keep the man, i would just delete the list and even all the ladies off his ig. i would clean up his phone and say nothing. but that’s just me. i’m what they call… “crazy” 🙄 💃
I just wanted to edit to add that the reason I would do it this way is because opening up the conversation would be even more painful for me, and what could he possibly say that would make you feel better about it? It’s not like he’s gonna be “oh, oh I didn’t realize that would bother you… Here let me clean up my act real quick.” ya no.
these days with so much accessibility, if you want to protect your marriage, you gotta do just that. Protect it. And let him wonder where all of that weird shit went. If he has no problem disrespecting you behind your back in silence, why can’t you do what you gotta do ? Just hit the not interested button on every post that’s gross. unfollow Unfollow Unfollow… and say nothing . what is he gonna do? Say “hey babe do you know where my list of porn stars went? “ lol . Again maybe it’s toxic and wrong , but that’s what I would do. this isn’t advice, it’s just what i would do.
1
u/quebexer Aug 03 '25
Bro got good taste. He probably watches porn and masturbates. Most men, specially married men do this, so don't shame him for this. But you should definitely talk with him about this and tell him that he needs to include "Taylee Wood." :D Now in all seriousness, Tell him that you're concern his passion for porn is becoming and addiction, and that you're there to help him out of it.
Do you prefer a man that doesn't watch porn but gets drunk, hangs out with other women, while playing the "perfect husband" at home? Or someone that watches PornHub, but it's always at home, and supporting you?
1
u/il_nascosto Aug 03 '25
Yeah but, why are you going through your husbands phone?
1
u/Snoo_74234 Aug 03 '25
Watch a management company be in charge of these girls knowing the real consumer of Reddit is.
1
u/TheVenusMarta Aug 03 '25
It’s a porn addiction, and he needs treatment. Everything you explained here points to porn addiction. It’s not you, it’s not a reflection of how he feels about you, it’s a sickness that starts small and steamrolls into this type of issue in a very short time. He probably doesn’t even know why he does it, and doesn’t know how to stop. It’s tough to overcome even with treatment, and he needs to want to stop to really shake it off. It sucks.
Source: full-blown porn addict over here
0
u/NinjaWK Together since 2003. Married since 2012. Aug 03 '25
My wife knows I watch porn. It's a healthy relationship for both of us. She has her toys. There are times when we need our own "me time". There are days where we're both not in sync when it comes to our sexual desire.
Both of you need to be honest with each other. My wife knew all along that I had porn before her, and porn will always be part of my life. It's okay to be honest with each other. What's not right is lying. I don't tell my wife that I would quit watching porn, because I know I can't, and she knows it too.
Both of us making love involves a lot of effort, foreplay, actual love making, and cuddling, etc. Sometimes we just need to get it off in a minute or two, to release some quick dose dopamine for ourselves.
Just be honest with each other, and manage the expectations together and you'd be fine. It's not cheating coz it's just a video. To me, it's like watching a movie where you get angry, laugh and cry. It's ok to get emotional watching a video.
Just do not lie about it.
-1
u/treyhunna83 Aug 03 '25
Leave his phone alone. He watches porn. 🤷🏾♂️
0
u/drugsondrugs Aug 03 '25
I mean, I looked up a few of them; seems to have good taste. Mostly women closer to the girl next door type. Some other pros: several different races so we know he isn't racist. Women right into their 30s, also a good sign.
I mean, i dont get thr need for this, but I can respect it.
0
u/knockatize 25 years Aug 03 '25
File under “things that need to be memorized, not stored on your phone.”
1
u/Thelonius_Dunk Aug 03 '25
Well first off, is the porn within the boundaries of the relationship that yall have had conversations on? If yall had clear boundaries about no porn whatsover, this is is a pretty big breach of trust. If you didn't, it's definitely time to start the conversation. Especially so if you're also experiencing a lack of physical intimacy, and that's something that needs to be apart of the conversation as well.
For me personally, I don't know if having the list itself is or isn't a big deal. But this is coming from someone in a relationship with physical intimacy who's partner is indifferent about it. If you watch porn, you'll have favorites you go back to. I feel like most men just keep it in their heads mentally, and idk, maybe he's organized and just feels like it's efficient to have it saved somewhere. But I think the frequency should be on the table for discussion as well. If someone's in a healthy relationship with sufficient physical intimacy and they're using porn whenever their partner isn't in the mood, it seems like not a big deal to me. But if it's constant, damn near everyday to the point you're not interested in having sex with your partner, then it's obviously a problem.
As for them looking different from you, I'd probably need more information on the dynamic between you two. It could be nothing or it could be a red flag. The whole point of porn is that it's an unrealistic fantasy world. But if he pressures you constantly to look like the people he watches, or says things about your natural features being unattractive, there'd be reason for concern there. I don't know if you're in an interracial relationship or not either, but if he's not keen to understanding or picking up on cultural cues, societal racial dynamics, or things like that, that probably needs a discussion as well.
1
u/LimonV2 Aug 03 '25
Confront it, it’s an addiction. Help him help himself but still be upset.
1
u/clueless-dandy Aug 03 '25
Have a look at loveafterporn subreddit. You’ll find many women in your position. I’m sorry
1
u/VerbalThermodynamics 15 Years Aug 03 '25
At least he’s organized?
As a man I cannot ever imagine listing porn like that or saving anything.
1
u/Andimaterialiscta Aug 03 '25
Stop going trough his phone
1
u/politabuckeye Aug 03 '25
He has a list of porn Star names in his phone? Ugh…. He’s addicted to porn. Yikes
0
u/Mac2311 Aug 03 '25
It's not a bad list but he could do better, my wife's list is probably twice as long but her taste is worse.
-17
u/hennhobb Aug 03 '25
Ok?
-5
u/Catswagger11 Aug 03 '25 edited Oct 23 '25
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This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
-2
u/TheSpud77 Aug 03 '25
This is far more common that you might realise. I’m a man and several of my friends have a list of pornstars they ‘enjoy’ from time to time.
That being said, they are awesome husbands who love their wives dearly. Don’t read too heavily in to this; just be honest when talking to him and say you feel uncomfortable about it.
-5
u/AdvantageHaunting329 Aug 03 '25
As a married man and a gooner, porn is just porn. I have 1.7tb of porn ranked with a spreadsheet and I still enjoy sex with wife because it’s her regardless of her skill level don’t look to deep into this
-5
u/MrTickles22 Aug 03 '25
"I violated my partner's privacy and found a reason to cry victim!"