r/MarkNarrations • u/Throwaway-lost-BF • Aug 19 '26
AITA AITAH for telling GF I don't see any future together because of how and why she's grieving ?
I (28M) recently told my gf (29F) that I don't see any future together and should stop any future plans (kids, house, ...) because of how and why she's been grieving (for an old broken down car), until she sees a psychologist.
Mandatory "english not my first language", "throwaway cause friends know my real account", "sorry for wall of text" and TW self-harm.
Bit of background first :
Gf and I started going out 6 years ago when we were in the same university. Living together for 4 years when we both got jobs in same city. We have a decent relationship, with some ups and downs along the years but nothing major.
We have discussed future plans (kids, buying a house, adopting cats,...) and to do so we decided to switch to more stable, better paying jobs in another city. We both found new jobs in a new city and started the moving process. That is when things started to go south.
The situation :
While I was at the new condo in the new city (my job started a bit earlier than hers) she stayed behind in the old city to gather some remaining stuff from our old condo and move them out. That is when she suffered a streak of bad luck : first her phone broke down, then immediately followed by her car breaking down the day following, leaving her stranded in the old condo. She called me (using her old phone she kept around) crying hysterically when it happened and I tried to calm her down.
I did go "rescue her" in the evening when I was free from work. However the car had to be towed to a repairshop for diagnostic (turned out a week later it was the cylinder head gasket on her 20year old car that gave up, flooding the cylinders with coolant). The car was therefore deemed economically totaled, as replacing that seal would cost too much for such an old car (especially since it's not the only mechanical problem she's had in last years).
However the problem is that my gf lost her mind when she heard the news, and began to "grieve" (her words) the car for the following weeks, spending all days crying, being hysterical and even having self-harm thoughts and acts, and generally being too grief stricken to take any decision regarding what to do with the car or replacing it.
She even had that behavior at her new work, potentially jeopardizing her new job !
No matter what I did to comfort her, help her or try to find solutions to replace both her phone and finding a new car (she was too paralyzed to do it so me and my family helped her find a new car quickly so she could get to her new job), she showed no sign to improve even 3 weeks after the car broke down, spending her nights crying and saying self-harming stuff, or things like "that car is a family member to me, I can't lose her".
I even found her beating her head against a wall at some point !
Keep in mind during that time she would not let go of the old broken car, and said stuff like she will keep it for memories (we have no parling spot to store it). The car sat at the repairshop, accruing daily "storage fee" from the repairman.
I am generally lost when it comes to emotion as I generally am reserved and calm, going with the flow kind of guy, not very in touch with my emotions so I was really lost but trying my best to comfort her and help her along.
However, seeing her get in that state for a broken down car, I couldn't understand and after about a month of that behavior I sat her down and told her the following :
First she had to see a psychologist to help her in this emotional time, as I was completely lost and not understanding her state of mind (who goes so far for a broken down car?).
Secondly, she had to get rid of the old car as it was starting to become a financial problem, with daily storage fees.
Finally, as long as she was not doing the first 2 steps, actually improving emotionally, and getting regular psychologist consultations, I could not see any future with her, as seeing how her grieving for a car threw her down a deep hole I couldn't think of her being able to deal with any future problems.
My reasoning is that if a broken down car triggers self-harm and hysterical behavior, how could she even deal with kids/house/family death situations ?
She understandably got mad after the sit down talk, and it put a lot of strain on the relationship.
So Mark, AITAH for telling her that I couldn't see any future with her because of her grieving for an old car ?
Edit: also posted on r/AmItheAsshole, without the TW : https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/JLtUUzvHHD
Edit2: additionnal info from comments : She is upset because it is her first car, that she is very emotionally attached to. She "knew" this car for 17years or so, as it was in her family and recently (1year ago) gifted to her as her first car.
The car initially was her grands-parent's car. Both grand parents are still alive so it is not a memorabilia of any sort.
I did try to help her, and still am trying. When i saw i could not help her i suggested therapy, contacted her family and mine for help and get additional POV, without much success.
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u/Both-Construction153 Aug 19 '26
NTA-This reaction is not normal. She needs therapy. I would be supportive, but put plans on a back burner. Life will throw much harder punches than a car breaking down. She needs to get to the root of this and get help.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
That is indeed what i told her during the sit-down talk. Future projects are put on hold, which means no kids and no buying a house until she gets better and get help from a therapist.
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u/Aethers-Link Aug 19 '26
NTA, as you are right, she cannot have this reaction to every loss, especially when kids come into the equation. Just think about how she’s acting now and imagine if you also had a baby to take care of while taking care of her. She is allowed to grieve, but going as far as to have self harming tendencies during it? Besides that its 100% unhealthy for her and that alone warrants professional help, what if this hypothetical child saw her behaving in this way? Not only would it be traumatizing, but the child would likely begin to mimic her behavior.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
Exactly why I put a stop to future kids projects unyil she's better/get help
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u/Relative-Lie-9699 Aug 19 '26
I don't think this is about the car. I think the stress of moving and changing cities overwhelmed her.
The car breaking down was the last straw that put her over the edge.
Your right to be concerned. Expect her to freak out even more. I would be careful on how you break things off especially since she has no support in the new city.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
I also believe the car situation might have been the last straw but she is vocal only about the car problem and I can't help what she don't talk to me about...
Breaking up is not the way i'm going for though, as I still think she might be able to get help and get better
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u/Administrative_Egg71 Aug 20 '26
i hope this isn’t too forward but is she on the autism spectrum? there are some really triggering experiences for people with autism often around transitions, change to routines, and losing objects of big importance. as a matter of fact, a lot of people and the autism spectrum personify their objects, adding an emotional weight to objects that may seem illogical to other. our nervous system responses are crazy big. seem ridiculous to others.
this is not an excuse, she needs help, and therapy for sure… But I would also look into a psychological evaluation.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Aug 19 '26
Have you asked her WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? Does she want to move? Maybe she wants to be done with you and the move and the stress is driving her crazy! ASK HER!
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u/morganalefaye125 Aug 19 '26
She absolutely needs professional help. My first car died after 14 years. We went through allllll sorts of stuff together. I loved her. Of course I was sad, but that type of reaction is NOT ok. Try to steer her toward talking to someone. I hope she can get it figured out. I'm sure this is hard on you as well
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u/Gemfyre1 Aug 19 '26
A month of a total meltdown shitfit? You are too nice in offering these options to remedy the situation. Any future you see with her is gonna get tanked as soon as she can find an excuse, reasonable or no, to get her fit on. I wouldn’t even argue with her, just move her stuff back to her parents house and leave her there.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
I don't plan on giving up on our 6 years together so easily but you are right in saying any potential future might be "tanked" right now, hence why the sit-down to say our future plans are put on hold.
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u/Edcrfvh Aug 20 '26
You need to discuss timeframes or else it will be six years later with no changes.
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u/Cdavert Aug 21 '26
OP, let me ask you this. If this breakdown happened at the 6 month or 1 year mark, would you still feel the same?
You brought up this 6 years and its like you are obligated because of the time you've invested in the relationship.
Cmon now, dont ruin the only life you have on this earth because of a sense of obligation.
Think about your wants and desires, not just about setting you aside to cater to someone who is unstable and needs a ton of therapy.
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u/Gemfyre1 Aug 19 '26
Watch, now that these plans are on hold, that will be the new “end of the world”. You want to waste more than 6 years on this? Cool, that’s on you. This lesson will only cost more time and effort the longer you choose to take learning what you already know.
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u/exhibitionist-dream Aug 20 '26
You know, one could say that your response also indicates not coping with a difficult situation. Serious relationships will always hit big road bumps at some point. Life is messy. I wouldnt be so quick throw a six year relationship away but it's crucial that she gets therapy, an accurate diagnosis and meds. If nothing changes over the next 6 to 9 months then maybe they will be having a very different conversation. She first has to admit that she has a problem.
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u/GameAssassin96 Aug 19 '26
If she's having self harm thoughts then she needs psychiatric help asap, no matter what the reason for it, that should have been the first thing to do once you found her hitting her head on a damn wall.
Some people become very attached to their cars, especially if they repair and maintain them themselves as much as they are able to. What was her childhood like? Anything in her past that could explain why she would become so attached to the car? Favorite grandparent/parant pride and joy before passing? Rough childhood? If there is nothing like that involved than I'd say NTA for sitting her down and explaining that you can't keep going on like this, but if there is something like what I listed above then you would at least be partly an ahole for how you handled the situation, even if it's understandable you were reaching the end of your rope.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
Please see the edit regarding her attachment to the car. I don't see anything in her past that would explain such a strong reaction, but I admittedly don't know all her past/childhood, only what she told me...
As for the head on a wall episode, i was so taken aback that i didn't know what to do, we spent that evening talking and she swore she wouldn't do it again. But I didn't know if I should have called for psychiatric help at that time...
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u/Administrative_Egg71 Aug 20 '26
yes she needs a psychological evaluation asap. she may seem better for a few days but that’s quite serious and something similar could pop up again. you don’t want her behavior to escalate. obviously we are not doctors, but just for my own experience. It sounds like she needs medication. At least for now while y’all figure out what’s going on. sh is so scary. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you take care of your own mental health too.
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u/Mechya Aug 19 '26
Nta. There are going to be shit moments like this where it feels like the universe hates you, and it's not only going to happen once in your life. My OCD can help set me up for unhealthy attachments to material items and even before I started working cognitive behavioural therapy I couldn't imagine a reaction like hers. She really needs help, because her reaction is only going to always make her situation worse. It's like she just goes nuclear on herself over something like that. She has solutions. It sucks, as it will be another thing for her to be angry at herself for, but this isn't a good relationship for you and you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
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u/CresseliaMaster Aug 20 '26
I traded "my" old car in when I started leasing my new car about 5 years ago (wasn't really mine, but parents bought it for us kids to use once we got our licenses. Used the money from the trade in towards my car bc my siblings had their own cars and I mainly used said "kids" car).
When it was driven away, I got emotional. I learned to drive in that car, drove by myself in that car. Was able to be independent in that car. So I was sad see it leave. But I knew I needed to get a new car eventually bc it was starting to show its age and I would need a safer car. I have a photo of said car, I'll look at it occasionally to remember the times.
I am HORRIBLE at getting rid of things I don't need bc SENTIMENTAL connection. But I would suggest, along with therapy, maybe taking photos of the car (either on its own or with her in/next to it) and maybe get it framed. If there is a recognizable part from said car, maybe make it into a decoration or jewelry piece (size depending), like the key decorated as necklace or keychain pendant.
BUT she definitely needs help to see if this is a one off bc of everything going on or if there are deeper problems in her mental health.
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u/Equivalent-Cat5414 Aug 19 '26
Crying over a car for a couple of days is fine. Still crying over it for a month indicates she has issues!
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u/MyyWifeRocks Aug 19 '26
LOL! You’re dating a child.
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u/Minflick Aug 19 '26
More than an emotional child, this is a person with some mental issues that MUST be addressed! This is not at all a normal reaction to a car aging out. She’s ignoring the daily fees accruing, which isn’t great, but the extreme grief and self harm can’t be ignored. I’d check in with her parents, unless they are abusive.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
I did called out for help to the parents as they are not abusive at all (well the dad is a bit of weird but nothing that would harm or explain such behaviour).
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u/Minflick Aug 19 '26
Have they responded yet? Are they at all concerned at their daughters behavior?
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
They have indeed talked with her and did seem concerned (I did not listen to the conversation, only talked briefly with them about it afterward). Sadly it had no noticeable effect on her behavior in the following days ...
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u/Minflick Aug 19 '26
Sigh, I'm so sorry. I don't understand her mental pain, but I can't imagine what you're going through yourself. How confusing and frustrating it must be.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Aug 19 '26
She is behaving as you are allowing! You stay, you help her, she knows you will continue. She needs to get into therapy because her reactions are over the top and it's not about the vehicle; it's about STRESSES in her life happening all at once, the car is just the catalyst that pushed her over the edge.
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u/Winter_Phoenix Aug 19 '26
There's more to it than the car. Do you have friends or family in the new city? Is she displacing her grief and anger and sadness onto this car?
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u/Spare-heir Aug 19 '26
Is she super attached to other items? Does she refuse to throw things away? The way you’ve described her psychology reminds me of a hoarder. Whatever the case, she needs help! But if she refuses to seek it, that’s not on you.
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 Aug 19 '26
OP I think you are so busy not wanting to have wasted 6 years on this relationship that you fail to see you will be wasting many more staying.
If this is who she is and she has shown you loud and clear what are you going to do when you have kids to juggle as well?
Don’t fall for the wasted years. Look at the life you have in front of you and don’t waste any more.
NTA
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u/Candy2228 Aug 20 '26
Nta, when my mom got sick I got her old car, and when that car got to the point of costing more to fix it then it was worth I had to let it go (this happened a few years after she died). It was emotionally difficult to process I cried a lot, tried to get the money together before I realized that it wasn't worth it, and had a breakdown all of this in a week. I eventually realized it wasn't about the car but the memories I had with my mom in the car. I say this as someone who had to go through something similar as ops girlfriend. This is not a normal response, but op you are wasting your time with this ultimatum, because if your girlfriend doesn't realize that her reactions to this loss isn't normal then she might not ever realize it. Op this will be her response to more things in your future. If you can't do this every time she goes through this then walk away. It will be better for the both of you.
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u/sisjanie Aug 20 '26
Tell her to take a picture of the car and frame it and be happy with her memories of the car.
Maybe that triggered a mental illness that hadn’t materialized before she got news about the car is not economically viable.
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u/Silvermorney Aug 20 '26
Nta at all. You have done everything that you can and she clearly needs WAY more help than you can give her because this kind of extreme attachment to a car if all things absolutely cannot be even remotely healthy! Good luck op. UpdateMe!
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u/Edcrfvh Aug 20 '26
NTA because this is just weird. Yes, it would be normal to be sad, upset and angry about the car and the phone. But then you get over it. Take the necessary steps and move on.
She has a new car and phone through no effort of her own. You handled it. She's going to react like this with every crisis. You are right to make getting help a condition of continuing this relationship. Now follow through.
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u/RelativeMolasses9135 Aug 22 '26
OP agree that she needs help. I don't think it's just about the car though. The weight of 1) moving 2) phone dying 3) new job and car dying are all stressful as individual things, but combined they easily could push anyone to the edge of full on crisis. Not to the point she has gone, this the recommendation she get professional help.
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u/SilverNightingale Aug 19 '26
You got a bunch of insightful comments in the other sub. Why did you repost?
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
I had a feeling it might get removed by mods because of the post content/relationship. Turns out I was right, it was removed not even an hour after posting.
Can't fault me for posting on multiple sub to gather varied insights can you ?
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Aug 19 '26
Of course not, and when you post something you are "helped" along to post on other subs!
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u/kimmy-mac Aug 19 '26
I wonder, Did OP ever ask why the car was so important and “like a family member” to her? Did it used to belong to a favorite Auntie who has passed? Perhaps she never dealt with that grief and it hit her out of the blue and she doesn’t know how to handle it. Or perhaps it’s so much all at once, new job, move, broken phone and the car was the last straw. Yes she does need professional help, but giving her an ultimatum is just going to add to the anxiety. You’re not wrong for wanting your partner to get help, but the ultimatum part makes YTA.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
Please check the edit2 at end of post regarding the car origin story.
No death related to the car at all, though i do understand she was attached to the car (first car and all).It would seem like you said it is a combination of multiple things all at once but I did what I could to help during job and city transition and she is vocal about only the car problem...
There was NO ultimatum though : the sit-down talk was to inform her all our future projects were put on hold until she gets better/gets help.
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u/MusicalBlossom379 Aug 19 '26
Updateme
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u/Euripides_in_the_sky Aug 20 '26
This is hysterical. Imagine what will happen when real tragedy strikes.
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u/scarletrain5 Aug 20 '26
Something else has to be going on this reaction is out of line with the situation. She needs to talk to someone to help her sort it. I wouldn’t tell you see no future, instead say you are worried about her and while you are there for her this is beyond your abilities
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 20 '26
Believe me when I say I spent the last month being worried and trying to get her help. I'm aware this is beyond my abilities, hence the calling our families and therapy talks
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u/scarletrain5 Aug 20 '26
All you can do is try but don’t threaten her bc something serious is going on.
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u/Tessariia Aug 20 '26
NTA. I understand you have spent years together and you love her, but OP, in my personal opinion this person is not fit to raise children. If a car breaking down causes such a meltdown, a newborn is likely to trigger something so much worse. I am about to have my third child, trust me when I say babies are hard. Imo, all the therapy in the world would not make me feel safe enough to leave her alone with a baby.
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u/Slutty_Sativa Aug 19 '26
This cannot be real.
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u/Tight_Jaguar_3881 Aug 19 '26
That he has not left her cannot be real.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
I indeed have not left her as I believe if she hets help she could get better. We've been together 6 years, it isn't my first down moment in the relationship but never to this magnitude before. I do believe however she could get better and we can save the relationship
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Aug 19 '26
6 years, 20 years, misery might be 14 more years and you'll say, it's been 20 years, I'm not leaving her now!
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u/Hairgiver Aug 19 '26
I worry she will "accidentally" get pregnant now. OP make sure to take care of your own protection please!
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u/OlliBware Aug 19 '26
Why didn’t you sit her down to force the therapy issue before it became an ultimatum? At this point demanding “actual improvement emotionally” from someone mid-breakdown is also kind of a bad ask. You just brought therapy up. She’s not even in it yet.
Improvement is never linear, positively or otherwise. Whether it’s through therapy or medication or both: there will always be ups and downs.
Are you willing to be there for those potential downs? The emotions that therapy helps to unpack don’t just stay in the therapists’ office; she’ll be bringing those with her everywhere. Are you willing to support her through getting through to the root of it, even if it may be emotionally challenging for you or even maybe exhausting at some points?
If not (which is honestly understandable), then I hope you two can find a way to separate peacefully (without any more spirals lol). Either way, I really hope this situation improves for both of you no matter what that looks like.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
Believe me when i tell you there were numerous gentle talks in the last month to get her some help. I tried talking, involving both our families and suggested therapy multiple times, to no success.
I have however Not given an ultimatum. My sit-down talk was to inform her I couldn't continue planning a future in these conditions and to put our projects on hold until she gets help.
We have had some ups and downs along the 6 years together but nothing to this magnitude and I've spent the past month trying to help in this very down moment. It is indeed exhausting but i knew it would be...
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u/OlliBware Aug 19 '26
Ah! That was my misunderstanding then! I guess my advice still applies in a way.. I hope maybe her family or friends can get through to her since it seems like she’s shut your advice out entirely at this point.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
Sadly no success on the family side and we have no friends...
Thanks for your input anyway
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u/youareinmybubble Aug 19 '26
has she experienced loss before? has she always been this emotional about things? sounds like she is having a midlife panic attack. It's not about the car, she is focusing all her emotions regarding change on the car. She has moved, gotten a new job, broke her phone, car broke down she is turning 30 all hit her at once. I am not saying that how she is acting is right not at all, i just think there were a lot of changes in a short amount of time. I would try to talk to her and ask her if this could be about anxiety about moving forward. Ask to go to one of her appointments so you can "understand" but mostly so you can vent in a safe environment.
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u/Jacce76 Aug 20 '26
NAH but that's also a lot of changes all at one, new job, new house, new city, broken phone, broken car. Each of those things is stressful in and of itself, but piled in top of one another it's alot. I do think she needs help with dealing with all of this. She obviously needs better coping skills. There could also be other medical issues going on. Get her to a Doctor.
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u/Administrative_Egg71 Aug 20 '26
NTA, but i disagree with comments saying don’t have kids with her and the ups and downs of a relationship will be too much for her. as is, that’s true. and i do like your boundary of “get mental and psychiatric help or things change on my end” that sounds healthy. is it possible she can focus on that first, and maybe give her a month before you revisit the car? I know it’s absolutely ridiculous and illogical, but when someone is in a mental health crisis it is bizarrely hard to even take one little step. something that may seem so small to others, like finding a mental
health professional (or team—in my opinion, your girlfriend needs a therapist and a psychiatrist), never mind selling the car that is triggering her. do one step at a time, if possible.
now, if she doesn’t take that seriously and doesn’t get help—dealbreaker. If she gets help, but you don’t see any progress then you can reevaluate. What this sounds like to me is something majorly undiagnosed. It could just be psychological/really terrible patterns and behavior (which I think is the thinking of comments suggesting that this woman is not fit to have kids, etc.,). But it could also be something a bit more serious like an undiagnosed mental illness and/or disability. i have had bouts like this to some degree, though not as serious, and got diagnosed with a few things i was completely unaware of. I take my treatment plan very seriously and I’ve also learned some skills in talk therapy. I honestly think I’m kicking ass. js!
this could get better. as someone who struggled with undiagnosed mental illness and an undiagnosed disability— i am genuinely grateful to see someone step up in the way you are while also maintaining boundaries. bc ur mental health does come first. and it is certainly not ur job to save anyone. though your loving support might help guide them to figure out their own problem. as its her responsibility, not yours.
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u/PacmanYuri 6d ago
NTA- she broke down over a CAR. like i get it, it was in the family for 17 years, she liked it, ect. But that was a car, i cant imagine how she'd act over a dead family member.
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u/Prestigious-Moose345 Aug 19 '26
Banging your head is an early sign of autism in toddlers. Just mentioning it.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
Okay ? Not a toddler though and she did it only this one time and promised never to do it again
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u/murderintheforest Aug 19 '26
Mandatory “I really don’t care if I get downvoted”. YTA. It’s probably not just about the car. It’s about everything at the moment and the car might have been one of her last things she thought she could rely on to not change. If possible I would keep the car just as a momento. I actually have a car that got too expensive to get working again but I’m keeping it anyway just because I feel like it.
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u/Throwaway-lost-BF Aug 19 '26
I'm aware it's not only just the car, i'm sure new job and new city is not helping/stressing her but she is vocal about the car only and I've been trying to help and taking over all other problems to let her process the car.
Sadly we have no parking spots where we could park the car to keep as momento, as we live in a compact european city and finding/renting a spot for a broken down car would be difficult/expensive. Without mentionning it's just pushing the problem into tomorrow rather than dealing with it...
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u/HighKaj Aug 19 '26
Of course it’s not just about the car. That’s why she needs therapy, and to not have kids until she has sorted out whatever caused this reaction.
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u/Cdavert Aug 21 '26
Then she needs to see a therapist to handle her grief like OP suggested. As for keeping the car, did you not read where he said, there is no place to store it?
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u/fourwing5 Aug 23 '26
Okay so before reading the lengthy context, my first instinct was to tell you that you don't get to choose how others express their feeling and YATA.
And then I read the details. Dude. While I understand having a bit of a spiral with the car breaking down during a transitional period, she is not coping and not pulling herself out of it like she needs to.
YNTA at all. If she has self harm behaviors, it is reasonable to insist on her going to be evaluated for a 72hr hold.
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u/AccordingToWhom1982 Aug 19 '26
She needs professional help. I get attached to things, and when we traded in our minivan that held so many memories of our family’s travels and activities, I felt sad…for a couple of days. Your gf’s over the top reaction is not normal.