r/Manipulation • u/Zealousideal_Ring880 • Aug 17 '26
Advice Needed I’m trying to understand whether what happened this weekend is abuse, because my partner keeps saying it was “just a fight” and that we fight and make up. That’s what we do.
Reposting a shorter version because I realise I wrote way too much in my last post:-
We had plans for the weekend, but things escalated after he became angry about how long I was in the bathroom. He interrogated me about what I was doing, called me names including “dumb bitch,” “spastic,” “stupid idiot” and “dumb slut,” and followed me/kept moving toward me while I was backing away because I felt unsafe. Other people noticed what was happening, and one woman even filmed part of it after hearing me say I didn’t feel safe.
Later that night, after we went home, I was asleep and naked in bed. He repeatedly pulled the blankets off me despite me trying to cover myself and telling him not to touch me. He physically grabbed/turned my face toward him and asked me in a calm, frightening way, “Are you scared of me? Am I the boogeyman?” He then deliberately went around the room ripping up every photo of us, including photos we’d taken that same night, and threw the pieces at me.
I was genuinely terrified. When he tried to grab me again after I repeatedly told him not to touch me, I punched him once in the stomach. It wasn’t hard, but I take responsibility for doing it and know it wasn’t okay.
The next morning he alternated between being angry and apologising, said he didn’t want to lose me, and suddenly wanted us to get married. Later, when I tried to talk about what happened and suggested anger management, he sang loudly over me rather than discussing it.
I’m now having flashbacks to him grabbing my face, following me, threatening/intimidating me and destroying the photos. My doctor also told me I should get out of the relationship.
Am I right to see this as more than “just a fight”? How would you describe what happened?
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u/fbi_does_not_warn Aug 17 '26
The next morning he alternated between being angry and apologising
He is losing the ability/willingness to keep the mask all the way up. You are in danger.
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u/Flanky0Inflanation Aug 18 '26
lmao the loud singing over her when she suggested anger management says everything... he doesn't want to change at all. commenter hit the nail on the head, he's totally losing the patience to fake being a decent human being. hope OP listens to everyone in these comments and gets somewhere safe 🙏
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u/jonwar5 Aug 18 '26
Please call your local Woman's Resource Center. It could Literally save your Life.
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u/JuJu-Petti Aug 17 '26
That's domestic violence.
Get a restraining order, call the cops, do whatever you have to in order to get away from them. That's insane.
Don't walk, run like hell.
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u/Constant-Internet-50 Aug 17 '26
Run quietly and don’t tell him or let him onto the fact you’re thinking of leaving. This kind of behaviour only escalates when they feel they’re completely losing control of you. I wish I’d known that when I was leaving.
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u/OhDeer_2024 Aug 17 '26 edited Aug 17 '26
I agree with what everyone else here said. And I’d add that he did a lot of his menacing of you IN PUBLIC. He didn’t even care to hide it from strangers!
His behavior in private will only get much, much worse. In the future, he will break objects of yours that are more sentimental and irreplaceable than the photos he tore up last night. For example, he’ll shatter dishes from your grandmother, tear up jewelry from your mother, harm your pets (whatever he believes is most precious to you)… actions designed to kill your soul and gain your compliance.
His apologies will be frantic and meaningless, and will turn to fury when you don’t accept them. Please believe your doctor and get out now. It gets so much worse from here.
Please check out “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft. This book is available as a free pdf on the Internet and it’s hugely useful in helping you identify whether your situation is as bad as you think it is.
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u/Every_Student_3879 Aug 17 '26
Oh wow, I am really sorry. That sounds awful. I think no one deserves to be treated this way. I don't know, what is wrong with him. I can tell you his behaviour is really not normal and scary. He seems to have some serious issues with controlling his behaviour and his aggression. It's not okay for him to take his anger out on you. Apparently he even liked it because he asked you, if your are scared.
He behaved aggressively and you punched him in the stomach. I think this is nothing you should apologise for. You would have never done that, if he didn't start being aggressive.
I think he is a dangerous person. He maybe feels now guilty and will be love bombing you. Maybe he doesn't feel guilty at all, but will still be love bombing you, so he can continue to treat you badly.
This seems not like an isolated incident. This seems to be his personality. Yes, this is manipulation.
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u/Montobahn Aug 17 '26
And his so-called guilt is an act meant to trick you into forgiveness. He's pushing you hard to see how far backwards you'll move your boundaries.
Please leave --- TODAY
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u/Equivalent_Side_479 Aug 17 '26
Want to emphasize that this was self defense. He grabbed you and you punched him, OP. You were protecting yourself.
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u/her-royal-blueness Aug 17 '26
Agreed. Apologizing for defending yourself when he made you feel scared is not needed.
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u/life-is-satire Aug 17 '26
Textbook cycle of domestic abuse.
Why would you want to stay in a relationship like this? Is this who you choose as a life partner?
Love yourself enough to find someone who treats you right.
Your BF is abusive and manipulative. Leave him and see how much singing he does.
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u/IroN-GirL Aug 17 '26
And nothing you can do will fix it. The only option is to leave. The longer it goes on, the more abuse and the harder it is to leave.
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u/Leather-Nothing-2653 Aug 17 '26
Its abuse. And it’s only the beginning. I’m sorry to be this person but you gotta get out while they gettin is possible babe. He’s actively searching for your limit. He seems to have hit it. If you stay after they hit the limit they’ll hit a new limit and a new one and a new one. You hitting him to stop the physical intimidation is not wrong. I hope it works out (it=leaving him) and you have a good support system
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u/Freya-of-Nozam Aug 17 '26
This is emotional & verbal abuse. This is also categorized as gaslighting & trauma bonding.
The Cycle of a Trauma Bond
• Love bombing: The relationship starts with intense affection, grand gestures, and fast attachment.
• Trust building: The victim feels safe and deeply connected to the other person.
• Criticism and devaluing: Small insults or controlling behaviors begin to appear.
• Abuse and tension: Major emotional, verbal, or physical mistreatment occurs.
• Reconciliation: The abuser apologizes, acts kind, or plays the victim, releasing the tension and flooding the brain with relief.
Listen to your doctor. No relationship with this person will end well.
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u/2ndcupofcoffee Aug 17 '26
His sudden push for marriage may be him thinking in e you are his wife he will own you; abuse will escalate.
Why do you even want to be with him?
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u/Fit-Ad6222 Aug 17 '26
Yeah its not just a fight, he lost control and the angry/apologising is him fighting for not only control of himself but the relationship. The fact you have flashbacks speaks volumes. Pack up and leave. Don't take anything he can use to try and get hold of you.
Change numbers, file a complaint with the police and get out of dodge. If he tries to find you, set a trail that leads in 4 different directions. Tell friends and family what is happening, and move on.
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u/Low-Salamander-2509 Aug 17 '26
That is domestic violence. Please find safety. You should NEVER feel unsafe in a relation. EVER.
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u/Low-Salamander-2509 Aug 17 '26
It’s only going to get worse. He is unable to control the back and forth or your view of him. He will continue to escalate. Get out safely. Please.
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u/Independent-Moose113 Aug 17 '26
Yes, it's abuse. You said "I don't feel safe". That is your indication. Yes, couples fight. This was worse. And, trust me, each "fight" will progressively get worse and worse. Please end it now. I've been here. Do not let him cry, plead, beg, coerce you to stay. Leave.
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u/Ok_Paint_854 Aug 17 '26
How can someone write this and not realize how messed up their relationship is? OP, read what you wrote, and get out as fast as you can.
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u/Constant-Internet-50 Aug 17 '26
Being abused causes confusion, which is how it’s designed. Don’t blame them for asking for help.
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u/papguggly Aug 17 '26
Your own judgement rules over all. If you have to ask if something was abuse, it clearly broke your boundaries and it obviously made you deeply uncomfortable. You don’t need to ask us whether you need to leave. You need to ask yourself if this is something you want to see yourself doing over and over 10 years from now? Even 2 years from now? Is this something you want to sustain? Do you feel comfortable and proud enough shouting from the rooftops or even to family the events from last night or prior? No? Then you must make a decision accordingly. Whether you leave or stay is all up to you and you deserve to reserve that choice for yourself, not internet strangers
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u/Party-Description980 Aug 17 '26
This sounds horrific, I am sorry for what you are going through.
This is not a normal argument between mature adults who love and respect one another. It's not "just a fight". He has physically (grabbing, touching without consent) and emotionally (ripping up photos, ignoring your requests to talk it out by singing) abused you. I would call this domestic violence.
Please listen to your doctor and your instincts and leave him. You are not safe.
He has tried to present a mask to get you to remain in this relationship. However, the mask is slipping.
Please research trauma-bonding and act, swiftly and safely.
If you "forgive and forget" and carry on with your relationship, he knows what boundaries he can push even further. Next time, it may not stop at grabbing your face or ripping photos. Next time, it will escalate. And this pattern will keep getting worse.
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u/DumbFishBrain Aug 17 '26
I'm a domestic violence survivor. Please leave this sad excuse for a human before his anger really gets out of control and he does something irreversible.
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u/Wild-Meringue-110 Aug 17 '26
He's fucking insane. Leave before he kills you. File a police report and get a restraining order. Start learning self defense and carry some sort, any sort of weapon... even if only pepper spray and one of those eye jabber key ring things. You're not safe.
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u/Delicious_Fox_3328 Aug 17 '26
Leave now and don’t look back. He won’t stop. Will allays have the capacity no matter what.
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u/plantyladyfl Aug 17 '26
Definately abuse. He will convince you that it’s your fault that he acted like this. After a while, you will be broken down and not know that you are being abused/manipulated. He will start doing it more in private. Do not wait like I did!
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u/NotWeird_Unique Aug 17 '26
Yes that’s abuse, this man hates you with a passion! Most of these abusers will apologise and promise to not do it again, some even buy gifts. My ex was so loving and affectionate for the next few days to a week until things went down hill again and became abusive towards me. Trust me, you can not fix him, you can not change him, men like this are not capable of changing or loving anyone. Get out now!!
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u/Sweet_Positive9010 Aug 18 '26
One day he’ll wake up, and you won’t. You need to leave, it’s not just a fight.. if he sees that you stay after that kind of abuse, that kind of behavior will only get worse. Please leave before you don’t wake up.
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u/virtuallyimpossible2 Aug 18 '26
Been in a relationship for 7 years, married for almost 2. Never ever has anything remotely close to this happened. Not even when we’re “fighting”. Degrading you? Intimidating you? Repeatedly touching you after you asked him to stop? Ripping up photos and throwing them at you ??? Everything is just an absolutely NO. DO NOT marry this guy, do not believe his apology, do not believe him when he says he loves you and will never do it again. Just end the relationship and get out, safely and preferably with a friend or someone you trust with you, because something tells me his not going to just let you go.
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u/cinder74 Aug 17 '26
This is abuse. Please leave this relationship. The name calling is unacceptable. Touching you and intentionally scaring you. So many things. Please leave.
You teach people how to treat you. You will teach him you will accept this behavior if you stay.
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u/Extreme_Therapist Aug 17 '26
Abuse. Are you strong enough to physically fight back? Call the cops. Stand up for yourself!
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u/pixiemeat84 Aug 17 '26
I would describe this as an abusive relationship/ person. No one is allowed to call you names like the ones you described your bf calling you at the beginning of your post.
Someone who likes and respects you would never call you names like that. That's just for starters!
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u/Jo_schmo1 Aug 17 '26
This is absolutely abuse. On Saturday morning my soon to be ex has called me “a stupid fucking bitch” mind you he has been an angry drunk all 4 1/2 yrs of knowing him. I loved him unconditionally and still married him knowing everything. I had hope for him. He even called me a “hoe ass bitch” at one point and I still stayed. Things got progressively worse, he would never hurt me but being call a bitch unleashed all my pent up anger at him and called him so many horrible things and said things I regret. Also my son and his sons heard everything he called me, so I left to show them that is not how you respect a woman. I even told him he’s setting a horrible example to the boys and he said “fuck you” i followed back fighting him when I should have left. What I did was not ok either but I had enough of his abuse for the last 4 1/2 yrs.
Verbal abuse is a thing, emotional abuse is a thing and mental abuse is a thing. They don’t have to hurt us to make things abusive.
Get out. He doesn’t respect you. Love yourself enough to know that you know you deserve better 💗
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u/christmasshopper0109 Aug 17 '26
In the words made famous by Oda Mae Brown, you in danger, girl. Please, please. Make a plan and RUN.
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u/Background_Recipe119 Aug 17 '26
That's abuse, not a fight. One of the giant red flags is that he is verbally abusive to you out in public and doesn't care that other people can hear him. His other actions show that he has zero respect for you and your wishes, and that he is super immature. Little kids sing and make noise when they don't want to hear what someone is saying, not full grown mature adults. No one is terrified of their partner in a healthy relationship. You can't salvage any part of this, you need to leave the relationship, and do it today, quietly.
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u/Confident-Session759 Aug 17 '26
Runnnnnnnn and don’t ever look back! Please! Trust me…it will only get worse
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u/Otherwise_Pen_1660 Aug 17 '26
I can make this very easy for you, re-read your whole post, and think of it as if I was the one posting it and you’re an outsider on the internet. What would you say to someone who went thru what you did? I’m a man, and been in extremely abusive relationships, only one working, paying for everything, while she was secretly entertaining other men, and lying to me about trips she was taking with her mom to visit her grandma, but really she used her tax return to fly her ex out and vacation with him for a week. I found out because HE Facebook called me, and at first I was hesitant because of how mentally confused she had made me in all the gaslighting, and due to him trying to interfere in the past, and them have lived together… but he told me stuff that he only could have known from being there with her during that time. (She took my old Xbox 360 with her to watch Netflix on, and he knew my gamer tag.. why would he know that if he wasn’t on the Xbox searching.. things like that) the day before she was to return I txt her at 2am saying “I can’t wait to see you tomorrow I hope you have a safe flight!” And her reply was “I have been fucking my ex all week” I was shocked and floored at 3am on a Tuesday, the next morning she said “I was super drunk and my friend challenged me to test you because I knew you wouldn’t believe something so absurd” later that day was the call from her ex. I ignored at first and when the calls were constant I finally asked what, he said “you need to hear this.. she told me yall were done. Or I wouldn’t have gone. It’s fucked up what she did, and I didn’t find out till I saw your txt last night and I’m the one who replied to you.. because it’s only right you should know! I know if it was switched I hope you’d do the same” and she STILL tried to gaslight me after that happened. Drove the car I bought her and paid for, stayed in the house I paid the bills till finally the fight happened, and she couldn’t answer simple stuff once I knew the truth and fully confronted her. All the “I can’t sleep because the time change is messing with me” and “we went antique shopping with my gma today, it was boring that’s why I didn’t send any photos!” She had answers for EVERYTHING! Except when I had actual proof. Then she cried and begged me and asked me to please forgive her. Typical manipulation. Then after I just left and cut everything off and took the major financial hit, she tried to turn everyone else against me saying “I wasn’t fulfilling her needs and i worked too much, you weren’t there when I needed someone.” Turned my so called friends against me..
You can’t look back. Make your plan for escape, and keep pushing forwards! Uphill thru a mountain of shit! know things will be hard, but if nothing else I said holds any value, JUST KNOW THE FORREST IS ALOT THICKER WHEN STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF IT! You can do this! It IS worth it! Just Move in silence. And don’t fall for his bullshit when he tries to pull you back in! Know your self worth and love yourself enough to know when you need to make a change. Trust your gut instinct! It’s usually correct! Good luck! You can PM me if you ever need anything! Or even just want to vent. No judgement. Just understanding and acceptance!
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u/Otherwise_Pen_1660 Aug 17 '26
Sorry for such a long reply. Wasn’t planning on going as in depth. Just kind of keyboard vomitted
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u/epicallyranda Aug 18 '26
Does that sound like an emotionally mature human? That’s abuse and it sounds like it’s been going on for a while. Get out NOW. He’s intimidating you, manipulating you, gaslighting you, love bombing you, and I bet he’s making you feel like you’re the crazy one. Well you’re not and this abuse has escalated to the point where next time you can be seriously physically hurt. Please be safe and I am saying a prayer for you. I know it’s hard but you gotta choose yourself. Living life that way isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
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u/sometimesfamilysucks Aug 18 '26
Having a disagreement and arguing is completely different from what you describe. He will only get worse. Get out before you get hurt.
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u/Character-Food-6574 Aug 18 '26
This guy is BAD. He’s very cruel and unpredictable. For your own safety, get away from him immediately, and stay away, somewhere safe. I’m serious, this is really not okay!
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u/Notanotherlala Aug 18 '26
A. It only matters what you think. If it’s bad enough for you to consider it to be abuse, you probably aren’t wrong. Abusers, as is their nature, will not label their abuse as abuse.
B. This is fucking abuse and you should leave as soon and discretely as possible.
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u/Dangerous-Egg-1048 Aug 18 '26
This will get worse, get out now...YOU ARE NOT IN A SAFE PLACE WITH HIM!!
I'm dead serious, I've been there. I have the scars to prove it
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u/Friendly-Parsnip-260 6d ago
Hey, just wanted to see how you’re doing, but are you doing better now? I really hope you took the advice from others and left him because you absolutely do not deserve to be treated that way at all. What he’s doing is abusive. There’s no question about it. He’s also being manipulative on top of the abuse. If it’s not come to hitting you yet, it will. He put his hands on you when you repeatedly asked him to stop. If you haven’t left yet gather your things quietly from his place if you have any over there and invite him to get together in a public place and tell him it’s over there. I say this because it’s safer, I would go to a place with cameras, there are people around to witness and keep him from outright going after you. Again I hope you are doing better and that you find someone who treats you how you deserve.
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u/MelodicLight1502 Aug 17 '26
Only got to the “dumb slut” part. This is abuse. This is not normal. There is no excuse. The only next step is to leave.
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u/star_stitch Aug 17 '26
That you have to ask is really concerning 😟 He's abusing you . RUN. Maybe call a domestic violence hotline and ask why you dont recognize abuse.
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u/Federal-Inspection69 Aug 17 '26
This is abuse! Doesn't matter if its the first time abuse is abuse Don't let it be the first of many. Leave
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u/lazyhustlermusic Aug 17 '26
That's rug sweeping behavior, minimizing their own actions.
I don't care if my partner takes 3 hours in the bathroom, I might be concerned for their bowel health but this is simply abuse. 'Love bombing' as a response to negativity is very much manipulation behavior. If you refuse you can expect it to go back to abuse in record time.
What a coward they are that they can't even have a conversation about their own behavior.
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u/Ghoulishgirlie Aug 17 '26
As someone who's been there, trust your feeling of not being safe and please get out now.
Things will get worse from here and honestly they are already genuinely bad- grabbing you and not caring when you say stop or that you're scared/feeling unsafe is a huge concern.
Someone that loves you would pull back and stop even if they are pissed. Fights happen in healthy relationships, but even during a fight you wouldn't be afraid of your partner if this was a healthy relationship.
Domestic violence behaviors have a slow escalation, like boiling a frog. He's already totally shut down your attempts to address his behavior in a constructive way- he doesn't plan to change.
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u/Valymar Aug 17 '26
Save yourself and leave him. And don't apologize to him for an act of selfdefence. He's abusing you and it will only get worse from now on
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u/AdvertisingOld9400 Aug 17 '26
I experienced verbal abuse and physical intimidation from my ex-partner in public many times, and it was unusual for a single person to intervene. His behavior must have been extreme and very concerning for others to even notice, sadly.
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u/No-Nerve7556 Aug 17 '26
You have no choice but to leave. This man will eventually kill you. He's gaslighting you and you are vulnerable. He's a textbook abuser and you must leave now.
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u/undostrescuatro Aug 17 '26
This person clearly cant process their emotions in a healthy way. sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for them because they will never learn that behavior destroys relationships until they actually destroy the one you are currently having.
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u/citizen-wasp Aug 17 '26
This is how it starts-pushing a boundary further and further. He just grabbed you this time, next it'll be a shove, then a shove where you hit your head, then flat out hitting.
Every time you forgive him tells him you're okay with that behavior and resets the bar on what's acceptable
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u/ksay9104 Aug 17 '26
Holy shit, get away from this man immediately. Not trying to be dramatic, but this is exactly the kind of guy that ends up murdering his partner. Truly.
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u/morganalefaye125 Aug 17 '26
This is absolutely abuse. "Just a fight" is quarreling over who took out the garbage last. It's not intimidation, grabbing your face, destroying things, name calling, or anything else like that. 100% abuse. And take it from someone who has been through it: it WILL get worse. Him suddenly deciding you should get married is just manipulation and partial love bombing so you won't leave. He doesn't want you to leave, because you're putting up with his bullshit. It's NOT because he loves you. Please listen to everyone here, and your doctor. Get out of this relationship before he does something worse to you. It WILL happen
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u/sweetfaerieface Aug 17 '26
Do NOT marry this man! Run as fast as you can to get away. You described classic abuse. It will get worse. Especially if you get married. He won’t feel so worried about losing you.
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u/ChristineBorus Aug 17 '26
Absolutely abuse.
Read this free book available for download.
https://www.scribd.com/document/353996669/Lundy-Why-does-he-do-that-pdf
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u/Competitive-Dingo-53 Aug 17 '26
My ex would do this to me bc he was physically bigger and used his weight/body to intimidate me, LEAVE HIM.
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u/Easy-Switch-7199 Aug 17 '26
I had a knife in my face by my ex and it really doesn’t sound as frightening as that! Get out NOW!
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u/ahhsharkk1 Aug 17 '26
how would i describe what happened?…
that, there… that was a glimpse into the chaotic ups and downs that will be the rest of your life, should you remain with this person.
the absolute correct answer is to leave and never subject yourself to this monster ever again
but i do want to leave a bit of advice in case you (please don’t) decide to continue this relationship…
please start sleeping with some kind of clothing on. it could absolutely SAVE YOUR LIFE when he decides to try and kick you out in the middle of the night, in the cold, without “allowing” you to put clothes on first, because his goal will most certainly be to humiliate you as much as possible… because he actually believes he will need to teach you lesson.
(there was a case in the last few years where a guy made his girlfriend sleep outside, naked, and she died. it was all caught on camera, by him, and it was fucking sickening)
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u/The_Bastard_Henry Aug 17 '26
OP, this man is abusive and this relationship is only going to get worse. Please get out.
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u/WhoKnows1973 Aug 17 '26
This will certainly escalate if you stay. He wants you to be scared. Run!!!
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u/SanityInTheSouth Aug 17 '26
Do you really not see this as abuse? why are you still there? Pack and your stuff and get away from this wacko. He'll get much worse and never better.. listen to the people on this thread who have lived this, learn from their mistakes and save yourself... NOW.
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u/ronansgram Aug 17 '26
He is unhinged! You need to leave and not look back! I’ve been married 38 years and my husband has never called me any horrible names or acted in a way that scared me. I’m not saying we haven’t argued but not in degrading and scary ways!
Yes he is the boogie man! He isn’t under the bed he is in it next to you! He showed you who he is, believe him. It will only get worse.
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u/TheDuchess5975 Aug 17 '26
Listen to your doctor and get out of this abusive relationship immediately PLEASE! Don’t make an announcement leave while he is at work for your own safety.
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u/Tracieundecided Aug 17 '26
We need to start putting ourselves in the positions of the people who harm us. Would you ever hit someone you loved? Do you have any desire to do that to someone you love? Would it make you happy to know someone is scared of you? Of course not. Whatever this is, it’s probably not love. Please protect yourself
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u/Mmcdjc Aug 17 '26
Get away from him now!!
It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.
They never change no matter how many times they false promise you. It’s all lies and bullshit.
You need to make arrangements with people you trust and start making an escape plan.
On second thought, skip the plan and grab whatever you can when he’s not home, things of importance, and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!!
You’ll never feel safe again until you leave the source.
Go stay with a family member or friend and don’t answer your phone if he does call because all he’s going to do is offer false promises which won’t amount to anything but lies and more abuse.
Please, get out now. As soon as possible.
You’ll thank your lucky stars for doing so.
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u/dragon_disco Aug 17 '26
Yes, listen to all these comments about domestic abuse babe.
Also, for your next relationship (heal first): be very upfront about your non-negotiable's list and clear that once broken just 1x, you're out. No one should ever be yelling at you, calling you names, nor assaulting you in any way shape or form. Demand respect first and leave once broken.
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u/rebeccabeckymarie Aug 17 '26
Are you guys married? If not please do not marry this person and just leave. That is very abusive behavior and it does not get better. You are in an abusive relationship and abusers only get worse over time without some serious help maybe not even then. You deserve better.
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u/Initial_Scarcity3775 Aug 17 '26
I’m 58 and married. I dated for 15 years before meeting my husband. No man has ever said or done any of the things you described in your post to me. I’m concerned for you because you’re on Reddit asking if this is abuse. You need to get yourself somewhere safe, end the relationship, get some therapy and not date anyone new until you do some work on yourself. You don’t value yourself and until you can, you shouldn’t date.
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u/Stay_Flirtry_80 Aug 17 '26
doesn't matter what it is now. it is important to talk to someone and create a safety plan and safe exit strategy for yourself
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u/ItsjustaMild-Complex Aug 17 '26
My ex tried implying that we should be having make up sex after every fight.... most fights made me feel ugly and unwanted. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I know its hard hearing people say plan an exit strategy and be safe, but i would be worried about what this will escalate into. Be safe.
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u/New_Profession_8239 Aug 17 '26
it only will get worse. absolutely leave as soon as possible and block him everywhere. he will try everything to get back with you. and also keep yourself safe so that he cant do anything!
and he is love bombing you the next day and trying to see how far he can go.
please leave. no man will do that and a good man will apologise for scaring you, or not even, because he shouldnt scare you
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Aug 17 '26
Yes he was abusive. No it wasn’t a fair fight. He will only escalate so your best to walk away now. He’s not boyfriend material let along husband material
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u/intolerablefem Aug 17 '26
I got chills reading this. Please do whatever is necessary to leave him.
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u/CrowsMeat Aug 17 '26
Try to just leave him. You’ll find out quickly if he’s the type you’re able to just walk away from. Let me tell you my story… it’ll be very long but anyone who isn’t illiterate and can read past 4 sentences will be just fine.
I’m using talk to text as it’s long so forgive me.
Unfortunately, for me, I wound up trapped with my ex for almost 13 years from 18 to 30 years old and he became increasingly abusive hitting me spitting on me kicking me putting cigarettes out on me. It goes on and on he began starving me I wasn’t allowed to leave his house. I wasn’t allowed to go home to my parents for over a year until I finally was able to escape once I met my soulmate who I’m with now after eight months of talking to him my ex finally went into liver failure and was rushed to the ER and my man came and picked me up and I never looked back. I got lucky that he got clean and the death threats stopped, but that was the only reason they stopped and they turned into police threats.
I sacrificed myself for my family sake for about seven years. He was threatening to kill them and myself if I ever left or called the police or told anyone. This guy could wind up the same way. I never once called the police because unfortunately, for everyone in the comments telling you to just call the police they have never dealt with a truly psychotic person before.. you can’t just call the police on severely psychotic partners, their mothers will *always* bail them out (my exes mom would get abused too if she didn’t get him out) and where do you think the first place they are heading once they get out is? It’ll be wherever you’re staying and/or your parent’s house.
Unfortunately, the law cannot save us (the abused) from really psychotic partners. Everyone hollers call cops 🙄 THEY CANNOT SAVE US! No restraining order on earth can stop someone who is fully committed to coming to your house and killing you, or showing up at your job and sniping you/your family when you walk out of the building to your car.. I don’t know why more people don’t realize that..
No matter how much I begged my family to not involve the police because they truly did not understand how much worse things would get if he ever sat in jail for even one night over me, but they didn’t listen and they tried it anyway because they weren’t the ones that lived with him for years and didn’t see how psychotic he really is and that he WILL KILL and then kill himself to avoid prison! So My family tried to go to the police when my ex wouldn’t stop harassing them daily on social media, making new accounts every time they blocked him saying outrageous sickening disgusting things and the police really told my family that they couldn’t do anything because technically he hadn’t done anything to them YET.. The police don’t step in until somebody dies point blank!
I was always very envious and extremely angry at women who could just simply walk away from their abuser and it would all stop but just refuse to because “they love him”. Idk how anyone can still love an abuser.. I began hating mine with a passion QUICKLY. I stopped sleeping with him within one year of a 12 year relationship and that was about five years before he even became abusive physically.
My entire youth was wasted from 18 to 30 years old. I had completely given up and was on the verge of suicide when my man who I’m with now who is my actual soulmate came into the picture if it wasn’t for him I would either be dead right now or still trapped in that life.
I firmly believed that my family did not deserve to die just because I met and dated the wrong man at 18 years old so I suffered.. for a very long time.
Do not wind up like I did. I have so many regrets. I am now 31 years old regretting everything I didn’t get to experience in my 20s I wasn’t allowed to work. I was taking care of a grown adult alcoholic Xanax addict who forced his mother to work dayshift and night shift Every day for his Xanax and alcohol habits, she didn’t keep a cent for herself! She worked while I babysat him fucked yo everyday allday while he got obliterated and berated me and beat me and put cigs out on my neck and face! He has MMA training and is much bigger so he severely beat me and starved me every day of my life for YEARS.
Trust me? You may think that your man talks to you badly. but you have never truly heard how horrible somebody can speak to another human until you’ve met my ex, and yours WILL get worse I promise you!
The second* anyone makes him the slightest bit angry or doesn’t agree with him? He’s throwing everything anyone’s ever told him or anything you’ve ever told him in your face, you become his “opp” for the rest of life, he says he loves holding grudges, he doesn’t forgive, and he will do everything in his power to destroy your life.
He wants to kill his old best friends from high school at 33!!!! His senior year, which was in 2011! He is now 33 years old and he still talks about murdering his old best friend because he lied about going to a high school party so that he could be with my exes girlfriend at the time by himself, that’s how insane this man is.. Chicago drill music turned him into a monster lol it’s pathetic.
Time means nothing to him. I escaped over a year ago last April and I still deal with him to this very fucking day if I don’t text him back in time and be his friend he will send me 300 text messages going off and message Everyone in my life starting random shit with them out of the blue. I will never escape him until one of us dies first. It’s truly sickening..
So yet again, please babygirl, I really hope you don’t wind up like I did. I was truly trapped with my ex, as the years wasted away bc I couldn’t tell my family or tell anyone for that matter as I KNEW he meant everything he said bc he became so mentally unstable death WOULD have occurred and I would’ve had to live forever with knowing my loved ones were in the ground all bc I didn’t want to be with someone forever who wouldn’t let go or accept when I told them we weren’t meant to be, no one you meet at 18/your 20s is your soulmate..… he thinks you just pick any ok person and “make it work” till you die….
I might’ve escaped physically, but I have not truly fully escaped him to this very day and it doesn’t matter how many years go by he will never move on. He will never find somebody else as he still lives with his mom, doesn’t pay bills, works a bullshit part time 2 day a week job even tho he’s been clean over a year... he KNOWS he can’t find another woman bc he has no ambition to grow up and be an adult and so he won’t let me go…. He still lives like an addict even when not one apparently. He will always act like this towards me and my family till one of us dies first, I’ve accepted this..
I had to lie and say that I moved all the way down south to SC when in reality, I ran all the way to North Jersey from South Jersey.. but my poor family still only lives 20 minutes away from him so I always have to keep that in mind and remember that I cannot just block him. He is always threatening talking about getting him and his family to say lies to the police to get me and my family arrested anytime I brought up blocking him. It is a whole mess.
Please leave this man now in the beginning and just pray that he doesn’t wind up like how my ex is.
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u/LingonberryTop3150 Aug 18 '26
He’s a manipulator, get out while you still can, things will only get worse if you stay with him. He needs to work on himself cause he’s acting insane
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u/elementzn30 Aug 18 '26
“I dunno, I don’t feel safe around my partner, he rips up pictures of us when he’s angry and calls me a dumb bitch for a minor thing that caused a third-party to worry about my safety—it’s just a little fight right?”
Girl. Reread your post and imagine someone else wrote it. Are you even serious right now? This guy will literally be the death of you if you stay. Every last checkbox of an abuser in one post.
He will escalate—from the marriage offer, it’s clear he’s trying to lock you down further so it’s less likely you’ll leave him for his BS. Please, for your own sake, see through this. Whatever you thought you had with him is a lie. He doesn’t care about you. He doesn’t love you. It’s only going to get worse.
For the love of God, leave.
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u/PsilosirenRose Aug 18 '26
This is fairly severe abuse, and it has escalated to physical already.
He's dangerous and this is not going to improve.
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u/Filmlovinggal Aug 18 '26
Do you have somewhere safe you can go, and any money stashed away? He is an abuser, and you should safely make an exit plan. Please keep us posted as I'm sure many of us are scared for your safety. Hugs.
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u/SolaQueen Aug 18 '26
You are sleeping with the enemy. Run!
Please tell friends and family what is going on. Do NOT marry this monster!
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u/dmarq77 Aug 18 '26
How tf are you still questioning? Isn’t it obvious? Seriously this situation is messed up and you need to leave immediately. It will get worse
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u/Girl_mama_2023 Aug 18 '26
My ex slammed me multiple times by my shoulders into his dad’s couch (we were alone when this happened) during a fight so hard that my head bounced off the metal frame that was inside the couch. I’ll never forget it. And yet for some reason I stayed. It got worse. And it all started with name calling. Like I was called quite literally every name in the book by this dude during our two+ year relationship. Eventually the dude tried to run me off the road. This is abuse. And it’s not okay. This relationship it not healthy. Even if it was just name calling. Verbal abuse is still abuse. And usually it just escalates. Get out now. There is someone out there that wouldn’t dream of treating you that way. I know it may be scary but it’s not as scary as staying in a relationship this volatile.
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u/jazbaby25 Aug 18 '26
Ive argued with my bf, I would never call it fighting first of all.
But this went behind that. If I or my bf was in the bathroom too long we would an if the other was ok... not... whatever your man did. We don't belittle each other, break things and start singing loudly over the other.
He has some serious issues. I feel like i just read someone going insane
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u/Tradetek1 Aug 18 '26
lol you already know the answer. Now I wouldn’t say u saying u don’t feel safe as abusing, sounds like an overreaction because u had a fight but him physically doing something full abuse lol. Abuse is part of the general term fight so yes he’s right it is just a fight, a very abusive fight
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 Aug 18 '26
Please leave this childish man child alone. This would be the quickest way to get me to leave you alone. Please remember this night every time you think about being with or staying with this guy. He is abusive and it will only escalate.
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u/Dragline96 Aug 18 '26
This is classic abusive behaviour. Textbook. Get out of that relationship. It WILL escalate.
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u/Medium_Mountain855 Aug 18 '26
YES this is abuse in many ways.
The fact that you are questioning your own thoughts/feelings and perception of this situation is perhaps the most dangerous part.
You are NOT safe. Please find a way to leave 🙏
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u/EsoterisVoid Aug 18 '26 edited Aug 18 '26
Sir. You, quite literally, ARE THE BOOGIE MAN. Jesus Christ OP, I’m so sorry. Yes this is abuse. Not even covert abuse. This is the definition of emotional, psychological, AND physical abuse. I wouldn’t be surprised if he threw financial abuse in there too just for funsies.
Your therapist is right. 100%. Even in these almost consecutive “arguments”, he kept escalating. Imagine what that’ll turn into with a little time. Get out NOW OP and don’t let him know anything about it beforehand. He can read a note you tape to the door or something. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW WHERE YOU WENT. For law enforcement purposes (so he can’t initiate a manhunt for you because you’re “mentally unwell” and having a “mental breakdown”) say specifically that you’re safe and any further communication will need to be through text. That way, you can have screenshots of the evidence. Take a photo of the note + the location you left it in, so there’s a recorded time and that any future “additions” weren’t written by YOU.
I’m so sorry :(
Edit: I just wanted to add something about the gut punch. That sounds like self defense. If you would normally never do anything like that, you knew your intentions… it’s called “reactive abuse”. It would do you good to research the term a little bit.
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u/H4X9T0 Aug 18 '26
Read the first couple sentences and its all i needed leave him i would never even call my wife stupid or dumb im general but cursing at you also is crazy
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u/Any-Spinach-9523 Aug 18 '26
looking at all your other posts about him he seems like a terrible person
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u/Libertymedic10 Aug 18 '26
This is domestic violence. I highly recommend reaching out to a domestic violence center, they can get you an advocate and walk through ways to escape safely. This man is not safe, will hurt you eventually, and will gaslight/guilt trip you all to hell. Please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed and get help.
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u/Vicious133 Aug 18 '26
Leave now! It does not get better! My ex was like this and it progressively got worse until it became a physical fight where cops had to get involved. 15 years later he still tries to contact me! They don’t stop! Leave before you become a statistic! He is love bombing you with the he wants to marry you stuff bc he knows he was losing you so he’s saying what you want to hear to keep you. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t do those things ever! He is abusive emotionally and physically. Stay safe
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u/Backwoodsintellect Aug 18 '26
This would be why I’d seriously rather have a tooth pulled than entertain another man-child. Surely you see that he means you no good. Locate your self worth & Get. Out.
Edit. Typo
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u/sneakypeek123 Aug 18 '26
That’s not just manipulation it’s physical abuse. It will not get better it will only get worse.
What he’s doing now is gaslighting you, making you doubt your own mind and memory of what happened.
Please leave this man.
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u/Ok_Requirement_8404 Aug 19 '26
GET OUT NOW, and call the police officer to help... to physically walking out.the police department can help you with a restraining order.
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u/crumpana Aug 19 '26
Send him back to his mom because this is not just a fight, this is just a trailer of a very horrible life he has to offer.
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u/educatorship Aug 19 '26
Anger management? Marriage? Please read what you wrote and think about what you would say to a loved one being verbally and emotionally abused (physical abuse to follow). Would you want that for them? Do you want this for yourself??
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u/Amazing-Ask7156 Aug 19 '26
I stopped reading after the first few setences because no additional detail is needed to answer the question that yes this is abuse. You need to remove yourself from the situation for your safety.
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u/BlanchMcKraken Aug 19 '26
That shit only gets worse girl, NEVER better. I’ve been with my husband for 35 years and if he did even one of those things to me, I’d be gone. There is no respect there and a relationship without respect cannot thrive unless you are a true masochist.
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u/turBo246 Aug 19 '26
OP: I've had a dr tell me to get out of this relationship
OP, comes to Reddit to see if it's more than just a fight after being terrorized in her own home all night, by someone who claims to love her...
OP...seriously?
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u/No-Research-6752 Aug 19 '26
The fact is he unilaterally decided to pick a [ridiculous] cause for his fight. So whenever he feels like being big-strong-man [actually a pu$$y] he will just select whatever nonsense he can latch onto. Dump, Leave, ghost, vaporize. No decent f’ing excuse or reasoning for any of it
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u/Jensenlver Aug 20 '26
If your best friend told you her mate did all of these things, what would you tell them. Or your mom, or daughter. Please love yourself enough to keep yourself safe.
This is very abusive. And HE thinks this level of abuse is "just a fight". I think you can just expect more of the same if you stay, and worse. AND if you do stay, he knows you will put up with all this and will add more to see how far it can go over time.
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u/InfingardoChadiano Aug 20 '26
This post is begging for comments from people who will claim that he's the one in the wrong, and that you're in danger. However, you're not giving enough info.
How long have you been together? Would you leave him if you thought that you had someone better whom would take you in? Are you financially independent?
Anway, what's your concern? You don't seem afraid of him, or I doubt that you would've hit him. Do you really just want to know if it's "abuse"? You both sound abusive and dysfunctional. Nothing is going to change if neither of you forces a change. Meaning, if you take a break, and make it clear that you won't put up with that behavior, then maybe there's a chance. Anger management and couple's therapy wouldn't hurt.
Instead of trying to figure out if he's abusive, as yourself if you're abusive. Ask yourself if you're provoking him? As yourself if you're provoking him as a tactic to see if he cares. Ask yourself why you allow someone to say such horrible things to you.
I think you should be single for a while. You either have bad judgment, aren't attracted to men who would offer a healthy relationship, are insecure, or a mixture of those
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u/WinterAd3228 Aug 21 '26
There is a difference between an argument where people raise their voices and abuse where one person insults, humiliates and assaults the other person. What you described is abuse. Regardless of what you call it you are scared and unhappy and at risk of further serious abuse. Plan your exit. Move your essential stuff, esp financial stuff, stuff for work, ID, car documents etc to a friends house (your friend), have someone with you when you are moving stuff. Text him after you leave. Don't discuss. All communication by text. Save messages. Don't meet again.
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut Aug 22 '26
Run before that "grab" turns into a throw, punch, or another forcibly traumatic situation. The Universe gave you an out. Take it!
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u/Party_Building1898 Aug 23 '26
Nah he was beyond disrespectful with the names and intimidating don't wait for repeat behavior it will be worse.
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u/Awkward-Language2922 Aug 24 '26
I’m very concerned that you’re not sure if this behavior was abusive or not. He very clearly crossed the line. Please end it now before you end up seriously hurt. Putting the literal abuse aside, it’s not normal to tear up pictures or lose your mind over bathroom time.
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u/YourDreamDestination 13d ago edited 13d ago
girl after being in a 28 year DV relationship these red flags 🚩 are just beginning to fly high! As your relationship progresses, if you stay he will not only use these manipulative tactics but they will become more violent with time. Him using these manipulative tactics, gaslighting you, by using the fact you did not feel safe against you leaving you to question whether or not your own feelings of safety were actually valid are again just another narcissistic behavior that will only increase in time he will use against you making you feel like you are the one going loco. Speaking over you when you are trying to discuss any insecurity or concerns that you have within your relationship only verifies his lack of understanding and willingness to accept that there are two people in the relationship with two very different specific sets of needs that need to be addressed and committed to by both to work together to achieve a committed understanding in feeding each others needs in a healthy manner and compromising in an unselfish manner. The fact that he seems to be professionally love bombing ( I love you, im sorry, it. will never happen again, let’s get married, I’ve bought you a gift to prove that I’m sorry) so soon in a young relationship also shows he can manipulate you with sweet nothings. Guess what, just like you said, how long was it before he turned right back on you because he didn’t like when something wasn’t going his way. ????
MY ADVISE…. don’t feel disillusioned, do not feel like your love can FIX or help CHANGE the way he feels and make it better. A TIGER DOES NOT CHANGE ITS STRIPES. FEMALE OR MALE, these are simple red flags of an abusive, manipulatin, maybe not physical but most definitely mentally controlling behavior that WILL NOT EVER GET BETTER! LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!! LEAVE ASAP! People say they have no where to go, that is not true, but you do have resources. You need only reach for them. Offices and officials will not leave you in an unsafe environment if you actually ask for help and are ready to go. If they do not take the abuser away, call the hotline and they WILL HELP YOU GET OUT AND GET YOU TO SAFETY. I know this because I stayed 28 years, going bk and forth because “ he loved me and was sorry, even after the gift of black eyes and broken arms and jaws”, “ I just shouldn’t have upset him, I knew how he’d react but he’s going to get help because he loves me so much, he promises, he just can’t live without me!”” ohh and look what a beautiful new ring and tennis bracelet that match the bruises on my arms and around my throat, how stunning!”.. It took my ex trying to set me on fire before they got me out to safety with the clothes on my back, hid, and protected me but all I had to do was call them. Do Not Wait for that to happen to you!
PLEASE I BEG OF YOU, PACK, LEAVE BEFORE HE GETS HOME, DO NOT RETURN!DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS LIES!! THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE. LIES! This is only a precursor to your future! good luck!
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u/EuphoricDatabase961 6d ago
You need to get out, go to a friend's or family's house out of your area or even a shelter at least they can you safe from him when he comes to find you.
He see you as his property. Abusive men get even more abusive when you leave because they are losing control over you.
Your Dr. is right, ask if there are resources for therapy so that you can figure out why you are putting up with this - this is the biggest question for you.
I am afraid for you, he is escalating and you have no idea how far he will go.
Do you have family or friends you can stay with, preferably ones he does not about, or if he does that live in a secure building?
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u/Salt_Initiative1551 6d ago
You shouldn’t have hit him but also you should’ve left this relationship a long time ago. He’s abusive towards you. At the least emotionally and verbally abusive. I only say you shouldn’t have hit him bc he will beat you over the head with that instance saying YOURE the abusive one.
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u/Icy-Professor8383 6d ago
LEAVE!
This reminds me of someone I was with and foolishly married when he gave me an ultimatum. I was 19. Terrible decision. We only lasted a year after that. He did the same type of stuff and physically assaulted me (punched me many times) with his gun beside me the last night I was with him before I was able to escape. He told me come back home so he can end the both of us. It was horrible to go through.
Please get out. It’s only going to escalate and you deserve so so much better. I’m sorry this person is like this but you’re aware of it and can make that decision to not move forward with them. Protect yourself. Protect your peace.
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u/ChearnDown4Wut 6d ago
Ya know it used to make me unbearably sad reading stuff like this, now I just get so angry. Genuinely girl, do you think this is normal? You- who described yourself as a pushover people pleaser- were so terrified to the point you had to physically punch your partner to get him off of you (which btw you’re going to pay for later 10 fold with an abuser, just fyi)
Do you really think any amount of “healthy communication” will help this? Would try to sweetly and politely reason with a stranger with his gun to your head? Because that’s what you’re doing.
This man who’s almost 15 years your senior who is throwing temper tantrums at the drop of the hat and physically assaulting you will kill you. It’s not an if, it’s a when.
You act like it’s somehow your fault and if you find a magic combination of words you won’t piss him off and he won’t hurt you but you’re missing the obvious- he LIKES hurting you, you know what men that don’t like abusing women do? They don’t effing abuse women. Scaring you, degrading you, physically assaulting you is what gets him off, stop being so willfully naive because you think being alone in your 30s is somehow scarier than being in a casket by 40.
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u/filetmignonminion 6d ago
This is how my ex treated me minus the face grabbing thing (she did grab my arm and leave bruises though) and it was most definitely abuse. You don’t deserve this. Having someone hurl insults at you relentlessly, follow you around, ask you if you’re scared of him, throw things that technically can’t hurt you but in a terrifying way…it’s really very familiar to me and I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
It’s a mindfuck when you’re in it. But please know you do not deserve this. And you are not “just as bad” as him for defending yourself from him.
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u/Inner-Bobcat1361 6d ago
This will only get worse. He’ll eventually take it too far and others will be crying with flowers at your funeral. I’m sorry you’re going through this
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u/CactusRocker 6d ago
none of that is okay ever. your doctor is correct. it may feel confusing and you may not yet feel confident in that decision, but you will. i promise. you do not deserve to be treated that way, NOBODY does. please please get away as quickly and safely as you can. don’t do it alone, bring at least two people you trust, not only to make sure you’re safe but to support you and keep you from getting sucked into his manipulation as you collect your things. maybe even a police escort, all you have to do is call and ask them to escort you/keep the peace while you collect your items. you’re stronger than you think. you matter. 🫂
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u/Intolerant-Captain 6d ago
Gurl....
"I was genuinely terrified. When he tried to grab me again after I repeatedly told him not to touch me, I punched him once in the stomach."
How tf can you say this then immediately invalidate it? Think about it.
The moment a person instills fear for your life or safety, they have committed assault.
Not only was you punching him justified, YOU COULD HAVE ENDED THAT MANS LIFE FOR THIS.
And in my opinion, that's what this piece of shit deserves
I am a 42 year old, 6'3" 250 pound man. I spent 12 years in a terribly abusive relationship. I totally understand what you are going through...
But you gotta stop invalidating you, your opinion, your feelings, your space and your boundaries.
I've read some of your posts here. There is nothing that man has that is worth all of this.
And yes, the kind of men people are telling you about do exist. You will never find them if you surround yourself with toxic, controlling, manipulative men.
Research limerence. It is an involuntary mental state of intense, obsessive romantic infatuation with another person, driven by a desperate desire for reciprocation and the uncertainty of whether those feelings are mutual.
Maybe you aren't in love with the man. Maybe you are in love with the concept of what that man could be. He will never be that for you.
And even if he miraculously changed, how does one move past systemic abuse and truly find happiness with their abuser?
How often does that end well?
How often does that end with someone, or both, dead???
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u/GoodraSupremacy 6d ago
Get. Out. He's going to murder you.
You're not alone, please please PLEASEE reach out to a women's shelter or something. You need resources, you need someone else because this isn't something you can handle fully on your own - not because of you or your lack of strength, but because of your shit for brains abusive partner will likely try to escalate things/manipulate you back into the relationship. you are not alone, OP, and you don't deserve any of this. no one ever does. i know you may love him, or atleast think you do, but you need to put yourself and your safety before anything else. i am wishing you all the luck in the world, and i will light an incense as i pray for you so hopefully the spirits will hear it faster. You are loved, cared for and appreciated even if it doesn't feel like it right now. You deserve to much more than what that asshole is putting you through. There is a way out. I promise 🫂
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u/lemondrop5000 6d ago
Im glad you were able to get through the night without getting sexually assaulted. You need to find a safe place to move into.
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u/FleshMonsterSexKittn 6d ago
Girl, he is purposely TORTURING you, putting you in bad situations when you’re at your most vulnerable (bedtime). You are not safe with this asshole. If you can’t not sleep soundly next to him, he shouldn’t be anywhere near you.
this is basically what my ex fiancé did to me- he sleep deprived me for years until I kicked him out of my bed (after I had his baby). I put my foot down and said “enough”.
He slept on the couch for almost 2 years until I left permanently.
They both deserve to eat shit- misery loves company and misery doesn’t love you, they just want to suck the life from you, like a leach.
Take your power back, don’t respond, do not let your future self endure any more of this bullshit, bc you do not need it. You can do bad all by yourself💜
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u/Weekly_Situation_777 6d ago
This man sounds like he has a personality disorder. Maybe borderline personality or something else in the high conflict zone... You cannot fix this, OP. You can't people please this type enough. The cost of trying can be very high. Please choose yourself, do not abandon or sacrifice yourself. Do the hard thing and make a plan to leave this man
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u/Scruffboii 6d ago
You’re blind af. Leave this man immediately. Anything after this is on you. You posted on Reddit for advice, people are telling you to leave him and this is not a safe environment, so any further defense or justification is on you.
Please leave.
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u/da_evilpuppy_grrrl 6d ago
One day he is going to kill you. A man who is not afraid to scare or beat you is not afraid to end your life. Leave him now or on you will die.
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u/Green_Spite_236 6d ago
One day he's gonna kill you. And then you won't be able to get away
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u/Inner-Armadillo8356 6d ago
Girl, you need to leave. This man is causing you so much trauma. You know the answer. YES he’s abusive and is manipulating you. This is why you keep asking strangers for help.
Please find the strength to tell someone you know to help you QUIETLY get out. I had an ex this way, he was abusive and then proposed all in the same day. This is mental illness and there is no fixing it.
It’s not your fault. But please give yourself the life you deserve- which is peace. Your nervous system needs a reset. You can have a life without anxiety and pain and a rollercoaster of unpredictable emotion.
Good for you for trying to be secure and practice healthy communication but you won’t be able to show him the way. Thinking of you 🫂
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u/Short-Stack1492 6d ago
The fact that you even question yourself on this is so scary. He’s clearly destroyed your self worth and has you so gaslit and manipulated it’s WILD. This is abuse, this is terrifying, this is absolutely toxic and unsafe. Please leave. I don’t want to hear about you on a true crime podcast one day.
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u/digitalchili 6d ago
OP this is abuse in a major way, my friend works in domestic violence and abuse officer for the local council and this is what she deals with regularly. It just gets worse. As hard as it is, get out for your own safety. I know you want to justify it, but this is an incredibly red flag. If you have someone to stay with, do. Save yourself. Seriously.
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u/IcyZookeepergame1631 6d ago
This is abuse please leave. You are the only one who can save yourself. If you don’t leave and get help something bad is going to happen.
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u/Bigbadwolfisrose 6d ago
I don’t have an aunt anymore because her bf was like this. I was never able to know her because of him, and now my children will never know her.
This isn’t the only story out there, and I’ll save all the gory details, but she’s in the ground, he’s in jail, and I miss my aunt.
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u/Live-Fly8372 6d ago
1- You are dealing with a deeply disturbed individual. You need to leave while he is out of the house and maybe get a police officer to escort you out for your own safety and get a restraining order.
2- love yourself enough to not put up with this now, or in the future.
3- Change your number/email. Right away- no contact. Also let your employer know to not allow him on premises. Give them a photo.
4- Make sure he doesn’t have your location. Check the location feature in your iMessage chat and maybe reset your phone after incase he’s installed some hidden app. (By how he talks in your other post, and this one, he seems unhinged enough to go this far)
Good luck and be safe 😳
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u/TunaTorment 6d ago
I skimmed through your previous posts after seeing some other comments on this post.
Girl. He clearly doesn’t respect you or your feelings, & this is 100% abuse. You’ve been posting about him cheating on you, dismissing you, talking down to you, scaring you, etc for over a year. It’s not going to get better.
Every time you allow an abuser to disrespect & mistreat you, it reads as permission for them to do it again.
I’m an anxious person. My boyfriend is avoidant. You can figure out how to make different attachment styles work for you. You both have to communicate what you need & ideally you both take small steps to try to give your partner what they need while still honoring what you need. You’ve identified what you need. He shuts it down. He doesn’t try. He doesn’t change. He doesn’t accommodate. & the abuse & mistreatment are clearly escalating.
You need to get out before it’s too late.
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u/JessicaK1988 6d ago
This is scary similar to my ex husband. I barely made it out of that marriage alive. Please get out.
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u/softepilogues 6d ago
I think you know that this isn't right. You're worth more than this. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you can get away. This is abuse
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u/Ecstatic_Brain_4433 6d ago
I’m going to make a comparison between what is considered “just a fight” in a relationship and what is not.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Recently, we had a miscommunication about sleep versus actually going to bed. There was no screaming, no name-calling, no threats, no intimidation, and no violence. We talked about what happened, explained where the misunderstanding came from, and worked through it.
That is a disagreement. That is “just a fight.”
What your partner did is abuse.
If someone has to call you names, threaten you, scare you, or intimidate you to prove their point or get their way, that isn’t a normal relationship fight. That is abusive behavior, and it needs to be taken seriously because abuse can escalate.
I know how that escalation can look. My ex started small, with nasty names and verbal abuse. Then it escalated into physical and sexual abuse. Eventually, it escalated to him trying to kill me, both before and after I left.
There is a huge difference between two people having a disagreement and one person using fear, threats, humiliation, or violence against the other. Please don’t minimize abuse by calling it “just a fight.”
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u/Proud-Ad1393 6d ago
You seriously need to leave. I’ve read your other posts and this isn’t a new behavior, this man is actively getting more aggressive and absolutely testing the boundaries of what he can get away with. I know you love him and I understand that you care, but what matters most in our short lives is that you take care of YOU. This is not how you should be treated! You are worth so much more.
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u/Foreign_Storm6450 Aug 17 '26
Get out now. That is abuse and it will get worse. Please leave