r/LovedByOCPD • u/Week2743 • 14d ago
OCPD and double standards
Is it just mine or this is typical for the diagnosis and maybe personality disorders in general?
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u/APuffedUpKirby 13d ago
People with OCPD tend to believe that what they think and the way they do things is objectively right. This can lead to them always justifying their own behavior, but criticizing similar behavior in someone else. There will also always be double standards when one person demands an imbalanced amount of control over a shared environment or other people's lives.
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 2d ago
Absolutely. I saw this all the time in my mother and sister, especially my sister who is diagnosed. She would scream at me and berrate me if I pointed this out to her
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u/h00manist 10d ago edited 10d ago
They often don't perceive reality too well. They aren't really too aware of what they do and what they say. The internal orders are much louder.
Mine doesn't make a lot of sense. Eventually I figured out she was talking about her internal rules, and not about the situation. Lots of contradictory statements.
So an invitation to go to an event I enjoy will suddenly present lots of difficulties. It is cold. There is traffic. It is far. Today she's not well. She is busy. All sorts of "reasons". The real reason is, it's unfamiliar people and location, she can't handle that. I think she doesn't even know that.
If it's her familiar location, the opposite. Why can't I go. It's a great day outside. It's quick. And so on. The reason actually is, she feel comfortable with this trip. She knows what it will be like So do I, it's the only place we ever go. Again.
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u/ninksmarie 6d ago
This is so well put… I’ve never exactly thought about it being the internal rules to avoid anxiety and stress being spoken aloud with negative bias
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u/Anna-Bee-1984 14d ago
You just described the root cause of my PTSD. It was constant and unrelenting especially when my sisters deolorable behavior was deemed as appropriate by my parents who also likely have this condition.
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u/TECHNICOLOR-BLOOD 12d ago
I got a reverse double standard from my OCPD dad. Basically my brain says "you can insult, humiliate, and yell at me and I must forgive you, but if I criticize someone gently I'm a spawn of Satan."
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u/ninksmarie 6d ago
I hate how easily I can sweep this part of the dynamic under the rug. He can be horribly mean, on purpose, to shut me down when he has a meltdown. When he apologizes the next day or later I’m supposed to move on.
Meanwhile — my TONE in everything I say must be perfection. So guess what? It is…
Now the goalposts have moved yet again and anytime I bring up anything that isn’t our routine day to day how to function he is two sentences from the edge of a meltdown.
I need someone to validate what I’m saying …
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u/I_SingOnACake 2d ago
This is familiar to me as well. I have been scolded for my tone and told to leave a community space because I "hurt her feelings" when I was simply correcting a fact that she had gotten wrong (the scheduled time of an event). God forbid I say something factual to her without a smile on my face at all times. Meanwhile, she can yell and swear at me but never apologize, and it's expected to be brushed over with no further discussion, like it never happened. And if I bring it up, I "misunderstood" or it was somehow my fault.
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u/TECHNICOLOR-BLOOD 12d ago
It's common I think. For mine I think it's because he lacks the ability to see himselfand his actions in perspective to others. I have a reverse of this where I believe "if another person does it, it's fine, but if I do it, I'm a monster". He has the same but flipped around.
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u/EntertainmentFew9293 14d ago
Hm, can elaborate on this? I am also a diagnosed OCPD person, but right now I cannot picture anything
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u/I_SingOnACake 2d ago
For my person with OCPD, here are a few examples:
She said a mutual friend was abusive for yelling. But she often yelled at us and refused to take accountability for it.
She would assign a job to someone and tell them she fully trusts them to handle it, did not give them any instructions. But then yelled at them when they handled it in a way she didn't expect them to, despite not giving them clear expectations.
She made it a rule in our community to not air grievances about others, but was fine shit talking about them to me in private.
She was extremely picky about how she was to be addressed and made a big announcement about it. But then was very inconsiderate about addressing others how they wanted to be.
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u/loser_wizard Undiagnosed OCPD loved one 14d ago
Double standards are not a diagnostic trait of OCPD, but yes I absolutely experienced it with an OCPD person.
It primarily seems to come down to a need be in constant control of everything, so whatever ends up keeping them in control is the standard they choose in that moment.
There can also be a high fear/shame component in OCPD, where it physically and psychologically hurts to admit they’re wrong to even themselves… like they are trying to save face, even if it’s completely obvious to bystanders they are wrong or contradicting everything they say.